Chapter 28
One of Hakaru’s habits is humming random tunes when he feels overwhelmed or needs to sort out his mind.
Eiharu is so quiet, with his gaze locked on their hands, unresponsive to Hakaru’s voice despite his hands trembling in Hakaru’s hold. Seeing him looking that shaken, Hakaru involuntarily starts to hum. It’s an old song his mother used to lull him when he was little. He doesn’t know what kind of song it is but loves the melody. The soothing tone always immediately sends the little him to sleep. From all the tunes he often hummed, that song popped up in his head in particular, so he just followed what his guts told him and started humming.
Hakaru isn't sure how long they have been in that tandem silence. But judging from how Eiharu gradually relaxed, he guessed it was not that long. He still steals a glance or two at Eiharu as he hums, observing him. Eiharu’s expression remains solemn despite his frown no longer as visible. He is in a daze. Hakaru doesn’t stop his hum, nonetheless.
Only when Eiharu squeezes his hand that he stop.
“I’m okay now,” Eiharu whispers. “Thanks. Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Hakaru shakes his head. “Rather, I’m glad I’m around when it happens. Though, looking at it from a different perspective, it happens exactly because of me. Sorry, Ei.”
Eiharu shakes his head. “I understand… it’s necessary.”
-Is it, though?-
However, Hakaru doesn’t voice it out. He’s aware that he pushes too far for the first time. He needs to be more patient around Eiharu.
“Here, drink first.” Hakaru hands Eiharu a glass of water. “Brother said drinking enough water helps to calm us down.”
“Thanks…” Eiharu slowly sips the glass. He wasn’t aware his throat felt that dry, he ended up emptying the whole glass. “Thanks.”
“You said it twice.” Hakaru chuckles. “Well, you better finish your food now. It has turned cold.”
“I guess so.”
Albeit reluctantly, Eiharu finished his lunch. They only talk about meaningless stuff while Eiharu eats, probably Hakaru’s way of being considerate of his feelings. It reminds him how Kanryou acts the same way despite using a different approach. In a way, the brothers are quite similar. Eiharu feels both relieved and guilty.
“Hakaru.”
“Mm?”
“You know, you… don’t have to do that for me.”
“Do what?”
“Like… being considerate.”
“What are you saying?”
“I mean… exactly like that.” Eiharu plays with his own fingers anxiously. He can feel how his fingertips once again turn cold. “I’m okay. It doesn’t always happen. I’m thankful enough that you don’t think I’m weird, so you don’t have to be that considerate.”
“I understand what you’re trying to say, but I also don’t understand why you think that way.”
“Because… well…”
“Is a friend a foreign concept for you?”
“...maybe.”
“That bad, huh?” Hakaru drops himself on the bed with his limbs spread out. He doesn’t care if he ends up pushing Eiharu from his spot. “I dunno how you think about it, but I’m being considerate exactly because I think of you as a friend, not the other way around. I mean, why should I be, when the other person isn’t my friend?”
“To be polite?”
“Do you want me to do that to you?”
“Ugh, no. I’ll get weirded out.”
“Exactly.” Hakaru laughs. “Well, I do this willingly, so you don’t have to be so hung up. You’re going to witness it more in the future.”
Eiharu looks uncomfortable, but Hakaru doesn’t see it. “I don’t think…”
“It doesn’t matter if you want it because I want to. Look, I’m aware I’m being forceful, but you can’t always expect others to follow your wishes. Besides, you can’t keep pushing others, Ei. if you do that, someday, no one will come to your aid when you really need it. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this.”
“That’s better, isn’t it? I won’t trouble you by doing so.”
“No, that’s where you’re wrong.” Hakaru shakes his head in displeasure. He sits up and looks at Eiharu’s eyes earnestly. “You think you save us trouble by pushing us away. But the truth is, you’re hurting them for not letting them help you.”
“...how so?”
“Because no sane person in this world is happy to see the people they care about struggling.”
“....”
“No one, and I repeat, no one, wants to see their loved ones unhappy, in trouble, whatever else, you name it. It’s natural.”
“I…”
“You really lack common sense, huh?”
“....”
“Oh, don’t give me that look. I’m not blaming you, just voicing out my thoughts.” Hakaru waves his hand nonchalantly. “I guess we’re going to have this conversation a lot, huh? At least until you understand that there are people who genuinely wish for you to be happy. For example, me,” Hakaru proudly pats his own chest, “also my brother and your mother.”
Eiharu involuntarily squints, “You don’t know my mother.”
“I don’t know her that close yet, you’re right. But I can tell that she loves you. Well… maybe her love is a bit rough, but you know the idea.”
“You’re not trying to justify her mistakes, I hope.”
“No, no. Of course not. I’m not saying you have to endure her harshness, either. My point is, you’re not…” Hakaru makes random gestures in the air while looking at Eiharu ambiguously, “...you know what.”
Eiharu purses his lips, but Hakaru is right; he actually understands what Hakaru is trying to say. He just can’t stop himself from retorting. There are times when he thinks Haruna doesn’t love him, but he understands that isn’t the case. The more we love someone, the more we’re affected by how we communicate. Haruna tends to hurt him with her harsh words, and Eiharu does the same by being silent. If they don’t care about each other, there is no way they feel hurt. Despite the situation, Haruna never says she regrets having Eiharu as a son, even though Eiharu is aware that she wishes he could be someone better. That alone is sufficient to show she loves him, right?
Right?
“Putting my mother aside,” Eiharu clears his throat, “I just don’t want to add extra troubles for you brothers to deal with. I’m sure you already have enough problems with your own lives, so there is no need to spare me extra brain cells.”
Hakaru frowns. “I dislike how you word it.”
“No, I’m just--”
“No, no. I already said it; you’re giving us extra trouble when you are being silent because we have no fucking idea what you’ve been through.”
“....”
“Yeah, you hear me curse, Ei. I’m trying not to speak harshly, but you better listen. Being silent gives us extra trouble, probably doubled off the actual thing if you tell us.”
“I--”
“It’s hard, I know. You feel bad, I understand. You don’t want to make us worry. Well, thank you very much for your consideration, but let me ask you this: If any of us are in trouble, you could help if only we told you the truth. Yet we decided to keep it to ourselves, and something bad happened thanks to our silence. What will you think?”
Eiharu fell silent. Yes, as much as he draws a visible line between himself and the others, he still has the decency to feel worry. Eiharu is sensitive; beneath his crude words and expression, he is a worrywart. He is easily touched; thus, he tries not to engage in anything too much. Knowing how powerless he is, it guilts him when someone is in trouble, and he can do nothing to help.
“I…” Eiharu is unsure of what to say. He dislikes being caught in this kind of reverse psychology since he knows he will lose the debate. “...I don’t want to answer.”
“You don’t have to, but I know what you think.” Hakaru shrugs. “It’s the same, okay? You’re being selfish if you keep it to yourself, and I want you to get used to it.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Yeah, it’s easy for me to say it. That’s why I am the one saying it. I’m sure if it’s my brother you’re currently talking to, he will follow your rules. I don’t. It doesn’t work that way with me.” Hakaru huffs. He started to feel annoyed by talking circles. “I want you to try, Ei. It doesn’t matter if it takes you some time, but try.”
“...you’re like an annoying mom.”
“Oh, I will be one if needed. Prepare to hear more of my scolding.” Hakaru clicks his tongue. “Haah, there are too many things that need fixing.”
“I’m not a robot.”
“For a human who lacks decency and common sense, you’re worse, okay?”
Normally, Eiharu would retaliate by being talked that way. He feels the ting of annoyance and discomfort, yet, for unknown reasons, he doesn’t feel like getting angry. He’s just upset because he can’t act defensively. Hakaru seems to know all his weak points.
“I dislike being pressed.”
“Good to hear, but tell me any one who enjoys being cornered and under pressure.”
Eiharu squints. “So you realize you’re cornering me?”
“Duh, obviously?” Hakaru rolls his eyes. “Back to the topic. I can’t read your mind, and I can’t always catch the hints. I will help you whenever you need it, and I dislike feeling guilty for not doing it sooner. So, if you throw hints and I fail to understand, say it directly. There will be moments when I am oblivious to your gestures, okay? Because I can’t read your mind.”
“But…”
“If it’s hard to speak of the problem, say something is bothering you. I’ll be sure to interrogate you until you tell me everything.”
The thing is, for Eiharu, even telling others that something is bothering him is hard. So far, only Hakaru is fast enough to tell that he feels troubled. Even so, it takes him some time to actually tell Hakaru the problem. And he knows, Hakaru didn’t always catch the hint. It happened. And when it happened, Eiharu gave up and kept things to himself. He stopped trying to fish out Hakaru’s attention.
“It’s… hard.” Eiharu inhales. He is getting desperate. “That’s the thing. It’s hard to… reach out.”
“Even to me?”
“Well… you’re the easiest so far, but still…”
“Okay, then practice with me.”
“I don’t get to finish my words.”
“You took too long. Practice with me. Try talking to me.”
Eiharu says nothing. His face contorted so much that even Hakaru had no heart to keep cornering. In the end, Hakaru sighs and shakes his head. He feels bad for being so impatient. He is happy because Eiharu considers him easy to talk to, so he unconsciously comes too hard. It wasn’t his intention to make Eiharu uncomfortable or cornered.
“Okay, sorry. It was too much, my fault.” Hakaru physically shifts away to create an extra distance to show his sincerity. “I’m just happy to hear that you find me easy to talk to.”
Eiharu looks slightly confused. “Uh, why?”
“Because… it means you already let me step into your boundaries.” Hakaru smiles. “It’s a big step, you know?”
Eiharu can’t help but recall. “How long did it take you again?”
“Getting close to you? It should be around three years since you started working with us.” Hakaru laughs. “Wow, I got an achievement.”
“Sorry for being too hard to deal with.”
“Nah, I don’t think that way. You’re just… reserved? It’s not like you dislike people, right?”
“No, I dislike them.”
“But there are some you like, including my brother.”
“Well… I dislike people in general, but it’s not like I can live without them in my life.”
“Yeah, fair point. Jerks are everywhere, so it’s natural to be cautious around them. Oh, were you also cautious of me?”
“Well… back then, yeah.”
“The reason?”
“I heard you and Rui-san are dating, so… I just thought I shouldn’t act foolish around you.”
“You didn’t even let me get close.”
“The fastest way to do so is not being in touch with you.”
Hakaru purses his lips. “I thought you hated me since I heard you hate noisy people.”
“Technically speaking, no one likes too much noise.”
“So you think I’m noisy?”
“You know I’m always alone. What do you think?” Eiharu shrugs. “But it doesn’t stop you anyway.”
“I don’t wanna give up.” Hakaru grins. “So?”
“So… what?”
“Now that I tell you what’s in my mind, will you accept my nosiness? Heads up, it’s too late for you to back out.”
“....”
“That’s what I thought as well. You have no choice.”
Eiharu sighs. “I’ll try, at least…”
“That’s good enough. My brother and I already agreed to be your ears. Don’t worry, as we promised to keep your secret safe.”
“Secret, huh…” Eiharu inhales. “I’m not sure if it’s even worth to be kept secret.”
“Still, it’s not something you want others to hear, right?”
“Yeah… it’s like… a disgrace.”
“You’re the victim, Ei. You’re not the one who should think that way, but him.”
Eiharu looks at Hakaru helplessly. “Still, what can I do? Even my mother was embarrassed.”
“At what?”
“At… what happened.”
Hakaru’s gaze softens. “Are you sure about that?”
“What?”
“Are you sure… it wasn’t just your mind being cruel?”