Chapter 29
“Are you sure your brain wasn’t the one plating that thought into your head?”
If Hakaru had said that a decade ago, Eiharu would have retorted. There is no way such a thing happened; it was his fault for being weak and susceptible. If he’s a better person, he won’t become the victim of Toshiya’s boredom. If he’s a better son, he won’t embarrass Haruna like this. If he’s a better person, he probably won’t end up being an outcast.
But, after ten years of dealing with the negative thoughts swimming in the pool of his brain, with the easy internet access for him to look just at anything, literally anything, Eiharu has learned that his condition is not as uncommon as he initially thought. He is depressed, but he is not crazy.
“...so you’re saying… my head is simply tricking me about… thinking about those things?”
“Uh, I won’t say it that way.” Hakaru quicks to rephrase his words. “I mean… what you experienced was awful, but maybe the reason why you disregard yourself is no one but yourself.”
Eiharu frowns. He finds it plausible but also hard to believe.
“You don’t believe me, do you?” Hakaru notices the shift in Eiharu’s expression. “Well, I can’t blame you.”
“Maybe you can… say it more believably?”
“And how is that??” Hakaru huffs but turns his brain to think anyway. “How about, hmm… since you were in the pinch, and you thought nothing worked out, and kind of forcing your brain that way?”
“What?”
Hakaru makes random gestures in the air, trying to elaborate. “Like this? You know?”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”
“It’s like, when shit happens and to stop yourself from getting hurt further, you just accepted the bad stuff?”
Eiharu frowns. In a way, he understands what Hakaru is trying to say, but at the same time, he needs further elaboration, so he silently waits for Hakaru to sort out his words first. On the other hand, Hakaru makes more random gestures in the air while making faces. It’s kind of funny to see him desperately trying, so Eiharu says nothing.
“You really don’t understand??”
Eiharu shrugs his shoulders. “No.”
“Ugh…” Hakaru sighs in defeat. Okay, sorry. I don’t know how to explain it properly. I’m not a doctor like my brother, so I probably misuse certain words or use the wrong analogy, but anyway,” he inhales deeply. After facing too many similar things, maybe your brain is somehow programmed to demean yourself further. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are that bad, but your brain has no choice but to believe it.
“And it happens because I believe so.”
“Yes! Yes, that’s what I meant to say!”
“Well… it crossed my mind.”
“And?”
“And… I don’t know. I kind of feel conceited to think that way.”
Hakaru shakes his head. “No, you’re not, Ei. However, because you don’t have confidence, anything sounds narcissistic to you.”
Eiharu blinks. It’s exactly as Hakaru said; he doesn’t dare raise his self-worth because he thinks he is being narcissistic by doing so. His self-esteem is that low, and Eiharu hasn’t noticed how low he has placed himself all this time.
“It’s… too much.” Eiharu lowers his gaze. “It’s easier to believe that I am… this awful.”
“No, it’s not easier. You give up too easily.”
“I have no choice.”
“You have, Ei. You don’t have the courage to choose, not the option itself.”
Eiharu says nothing. He hates how right Hakaru is, how Hakaru gives him nothing to retort.
“We… my brother and I, I mean, want to help you have that courage to choose so you won’t stay like this forever. You act like it doesn’t bother you, but that’s not true. Maybe you’re trying to consider your mother’s feelings, and it’s commendable. However… if you keep doing this, you’ll break.”
“....it happened.”
“And it will happen again—worse than the first time. You don’t want it, do you?”
“....”
Ah, Eiharu can’t stop the discomfort from showing itself. He says nothing, letting his expression tell Hakaru what he doesn’t dare to say. Hakaru clearly wants to say more, but he refrains from doing so, seeing how uncomfortable Eiharu is. As the first time, it’s already more than enough. Eiharu spoke more words than he normally does, willingly doing so; Hakaru can feel it.
“You’re not alone anymore, okay?”
Eiharu nods and says nothing. Deep down, he feels happy to hear the words he desperately wishes to hear. His younger self would probably cry if anyone said those words back then. However, time waits for no one. Perhaps it wasn’t his turn to hear it. Perhaps the words are meant for his older, mature self.
Perhaps.
=====
The next day, Kanryou comes to visit him after work. Hakaru is still working from Eiharu’s house, still acting as a caretaker even though Eiharu doesn’t need to be taken care of anymore. Eiharu doubts his real intention is to use his computer to play some games, but He says nothing aside from squinting his eyes suspiciously whenever Hakaru barges in.
“Hmm… it seems you have fully recovered. That’s good.” Kanryou pulls down the stethoscope and smiles happily. “I’m glad.”
“It’s all thanks to me! You better be grateful!” Hakaru proudly poses--too prideful for no reason, in Eiharu’s eyes.
“Really? Even if all you did was barge into my room and force me to eat?”
“Without my persistent care, you wouldn’t recover this early.”
“Not really. Without your presence, I’ll get better in two days or less.”
“Bullshit.” Hakaru snorts.
“Okay, okay. Enough.” Kanryou shakes his head and sighs before turning back to Eiharu. “Now that I’m sure you have recovered, I can leave with ease.”
Eiharu raises an eyebrow. “You’re going somewhere?”
“Mm, a business trip for a couple of weeks. My flight is for tomorrow at noon.”
“Oh… have a safe trip.”
“Why don’t we send brother off, Ei?”
“Well…” Eiharu awkwardly shifts his gaze to Kanryou. “Do you want us to?”
“No, it’s okay. You just recovered, and I'll worry since the Summer is reaching its peak.” Kanryou looks at Hakaru. “You’re not allowed to take him anywhere in the middle of the day.”
“Tsk, fine.” Hakaru pouts, arms crossed. “Well, we can have an indoor party instead.”
“What party?? Get out of my house!”
“I still have work to do! No!”
“Then go to the office??”
“Your computer works better than my notebook.”
“I’ll tell Miss Rui what you just said.”
“Don’t you dare!!”
Kanryou chuckles seeing the bicker. Despite Hakaru diligently informing him every day about Eiharu’s condition, Kanryou doesn’t stop feeling worried unless he sees it himself. However, the piling work at hand gives him no time for a mindless visit. Since he stayed at the hospital until late at night, he thinks it’s inappropriate to show up so late, so he refrain from seeing Eiharu. Now that he has the time to do so, but he also has to say goodbye for a moment.
-Well, it’s just a momentary leave. I surely don’t need to feel such sentiment-
Kanryou smiles a bit. He reaches out to lightly touch Eiharu’s bang covering the eyes, and swiftly waves them away so he can have a look at Eiharu’s eyes a bit.
“Mmhm, yes. You’re not pale anymore.”
“Brother, you don’t believe me, do you?”
“Sorry, I just have to make sure.” Kanryou inhales. “Well… I better leave now. Are you staying, Hakaru?”
“Yeah, I promised Aunty to stay until dinner. Why don’t you have dinner with us? Unless you have another appointment.”
“I must prepare a few things for my trip, so I must pass the offer. Don’t stay too late, Hakaru.”
“Yes, yes.” Hakaru dramatically sighs and shakes his head. “Even though I’m working here and not playing around.”
“You talk big for someone who sabotages other’s belongings.” Eiharu frowns at him. “You should listen to your brother and go home. Don’t wait until dinner, go home right now.”
“Hmph! I already promised Aunty I would stay. Nothing you say can stop me.”
Eiharu was about to say more but decided it wasn’t worth the trouble. So, he just rolls his eyes on Hakaru and keeps silent. His gaze lands on Kanryou, notices the man is staring at him.
“...what is it?”
Kanryou blinks. “Ah, nothing. I just thought… you’re much better.”
“You said that twice already.”
“Oh, I don’t mean about your physical condition. Since you looked quite gloomy the last time I saw you, I thought you would still feel down even though your condition had improved. Turns out, your complexion also much improved.” Kanryou smiles in satisfaction. “Whatever the reason for your stress that day, I’m glad you’re all better.”
“Well…” Eiharu involuntarily glances at Hakaru, and the latter is already looking so smug and proud, knowing he is the main reason Eiharu’s mood significantly lifts. “...I want to say something, but the culprit looks overproud right now, so I change my mind.”
Kanryou turns around to see Hakaru literally breathing out loudly through his nose, waiting for compliments. “Oh, so that’s why.” Kanryou laughs openly. “Hakaru is annoying, isn’t he?”
“Super annoying. You should take him home.”
“Haaah! Is that how you talk to your benefactor, young man?!” Hakaru places his hands on his waists, fuming. “It’s all thanks to me, okay?? Me!”
Eiharu rolls his eyes. “The more reason I don’t want to say anything.”
“You’re not cute acting all tsundere like that, so stop it.”
“Who’s acting tsundere??”
Kanryou blinks. “What’s tsundere?”
“Look at him,” Hakaru points at Eiharu’s face, “he is a tsundere.”
“I’m not.”
“That’s what a tsundere normally says.”
“If we’re talking about that, I’m more of a kuudere than a tsundere.”
“Ugh, well… you’re right, but right now you’re being a tsundere!”
“Like I said…” Kanryou sighs deeply, “What are you guys talking about? I don’t understand a single thing.”
.
.
The next day, Hakaru texted Eiharu early in the morning, saying he would send Kanryou off to the airport before visiting. As Kanryou mentioned, his flight is at noon, but Hakaru loves hanging out at the airport’s cafes, so he planned to extort his brother first to treat him before leaving. Hakaru invited Eiharu to tag along, but Eiharu refused. He isn’t in the mood to leave his room yet.
Unlike the last few days, the sun doesn’t feel as burning hot. Though, by Eiharu’s standard, it’s still too much for him to stay outdoors for too long. With him just recovered from a heatstroke, and no urgency to leave the comfort of his room, he chooses to enjoy his last day off of work by lazing around on his bed, scrolling through social media or just watching random videos he found online.
But, he got bored soon enough.
When Eiharu looks at the time, it’s barely past 11 in the morning. He isn’t hungry or sleepy. Nothing is interesting going on the internet, and he doesn’t particularly enjoy watching long movies. Usually, playing games is a good time-wasting activity. However, he doesn’t feel like sitting in front of his computer for now.
With nothing else to do, he walks downstairs and randomly walks around the house. It’s not spotless, but not particularly need cleaning. Even if it does, he won’t do it in the spur of the moment. In the end, he sits on the balcony, hugging his knees, and dozing off again, staring at particularly nothing as his eyes look straight ahead. At this hour, no one really passed the road. The summer holiday hasn’t started, so the kids from the neighborhood are still at school.
Eiharu enjoys silence, but the same silence often gives his brain a chance to act mean. Letting his thoughts wander, from thinking about mundane things to surreal things, jumps into the past events that make his blood boil, recalling the days when he was the most…pitiful, to say the least.
Eiharu wonders why he couldn’t forget the bad memories as he did with the good ones. He wonders why he appears so ungrateful and vengeful when he never meant to be like that. He wonders why he’s afraid of so many things; of being alive and existing. He wonders why he was born this way, and not someone else who has a better impact on the people around him. Why he isn’t any better, at least enough to be with people he looked up to without feeling ashamed.
He inhales deeply. While he was having a fever, he kept having nightmares which prevented him from having a peaceful sleep. Now that his head is clear enough to think, his brain becomes too active putting him in eternal misery. With his irregular work hours and multiple deadlines to meet, he has no time to think about useless stuff like this. That’s why, as much as it tires him out, at least he doesn’t have to listen to his own head mocking his already miserable life.
-How long do I need to live like this?-
Haruna hasn’t voiced out that question lately, but it’s already carved into his mind deep enough. Without her reminding him, he already questions himself a lot. And with the talk with Hakaru in recent days, he can’t help but feel restless. The turmoil he frequently experienced in his younger days, he still remembers the sensation; the anxiety, the frustration, the silent panic, and many more. Just by sitting there unmoving, he can feel his heart rate increasing significantly, and how his fingers and toes turning cold. Yet, as his expression remains the same, no one notices that he is in a state of panic.
I remember I sat like this a lot, not talking to anyone, pretending that I was in my own little world with no care about my surroundings even though I was fully aware of what was happening around me
Eiharu can hear the sound of wind breezing, the cicadas in the distance, and the sickening silence he loves so much squeezing him, taking his breath away. Pressing him down. Burning yet cold. Vast yet stuffy. It’s like he is alone and no one else bothers to notice his presence.
“Ei?”
Eiharu snaps, blinks, and raises his head.
Huh?
“Why are you here? Are you okay?”
Eiharu isn’t ready to see Hakaru’s worried expression. He didn’t notice since when Hakaru entered the front gate even though his eyes were literally there.