Chapter 32
“Won't you worry if… I fell in love with him?”
The same second Hakaru looks at him, Eiharu averts his gaze, avoiding Hakaru’s eyes. He regrets letting his thoughts out, thinking about how Hakaru’s view of him probably changed already. After all, they are talking about Kanryou right now. Kanryou isn’t just an acquaintance, isn’t just a random guy they happened to know. Kanryou is Hakaru’s older brother. To say such a thing about one’s sibling is probably rude, if not disgusting.
“If you like him and he likes you back, so be it. What about it?”
Eiharu doesn’t respond immediately. Hakaru’s words flow slowly into his brain, and his head is trying to process what he just heard.
“...what?”
“Though I can’t say for sure if he’s into guys or not.”
"Huh... what did you say?"
"I'm not sure if he's into guys or not.
“No, no. What did you say just now?”
“That's what I said. I dunno if my brother is into guys.”
“Before that.”
Hakaru tilts his head. “If you two like each other, then so be it. What about it?”
Eiharu stares at him, dumbfound. “How could you say that?”
“Hah? What do you want me to say anyway?”
“He’s your brother??”
“Yeah, and? It’s not like I have the right to meddle with his love affair, right?”
“But I’m a guy.”
“I can see that, duh. So what?”
“So… like… we shouldn’t?”
“Ei, you think too much about what people think of you even though you don’t interact with them that much.”
“I have reasons.”
“Yeah, I know. What I mean is, if that’s what you and my brother want, what’s stopping you two from dating each other?”
“Uh… you?”
“Why me??” Hakaru frowns. “I don’t really care about who he dates as long as he’s happy and our parents agreed. And if he dates you, a plus point since I know you better than him.”
“Is it even a plus point?”
Hakaru waves his hand. “So? You like my brother that way?”
Eiharu clears his throat. “You don’t think it’s weird?”
“About what?”
“About… uh… that I like… well…”
“About your sexual preference? I had a hunch.” Hakaru shrugs. “But it doesn’t matter much to me. You’re free to like anyone you like.”
“What if I have a crush on you? Since you’re a guy too.”
Hakaru bursts out laughing. “That’s funny. Just because you like guys doesn’t mean you like every guy you know. What kind of joke is that?”
Eiharu stares at Hakaru laughing his heart out. Back then, there were rumours about him being attracted to guys, and some of his male classmates openly showed their malice towards him thinking that he was attracted to any of them. Eiharu has a preference too. He dislikes people in general, so why did they think he felt anything about them? If there was something to describe his feelings, it would be disgust; the same as how they were disgusted by him.
“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to make fun of you.” Hakaru chuckles. “It’s just… If I have that kind of thought about you, I’m being rude, don’t you think?”
“Is that so?”
“No matter what we like, we all have preferences. For example, I like eating shrimp, but I dislike its skin. I won’t eat unskinned shrimp unless someone takes off its skin for me. But I still like shrimp.”
“Weird analogy, but I get what you mean.”
“Right?” Hakaru grins. “So, I’m not worried about you crushing on me. If it’s true, though, I’m sorry I have to break your heart. I have Senri, and I’m not into guys. But I like being your friend. Or brother, if you and my brother ended up dating.”
Unsure of what to say, Eiharu keeps silent. The thought of dating Kanryou only existed in his old dream. After they somewhat reconnect their old story, Eiharu feels much more realistic about his relationship with the man. He is not someone desirable. Kanryou deserves someone who does more, someone who stands on the same ground, unlike Eiharu. It’s already good enough that they become friends again despite his condition.
The cold drink in Eiharu’s grip already lost its cool. Without him noticing, they already spent long enough outside just chatting idly. It’s something Eiharu never done with someone else. The slippery slope of his mental breakdown has happened too fast in recent days, and he has a hard time keeping up with the roller coaster it caused. He feels tired and ashamed. The anxiety following each secret he lets out, the ‘what ifs’ and ‘how abouts’ crossing his mind every night that enough to keep him awake and jittery, to say the least. But… he feels better, unlike before. Unlike those days when he accidentally said what was in his mind out of anger, this is much better.
Still, he’s worried. It won’t just go away just because Hakaru and Kanryou give him the comfort that he desperately needs.
“So…” Eiharu breaks the silence, “what kind of person your brother is?”
“As his little brother, I must say he nags a lot, especially about our health. I think he also pampers his family a lot. He made more than enough as a health worker, you know? I don’t know how much exactly he made a month or if his salary is more than expected. But he never seems to be in a tight spot. If I asked him to buy things, if our Mom hinted of wanting something, he always bought them.”
“Is that so?”
“When we hang out, he’s always the one paying. Did he do the same when you two met up?”
Eiharu tries to remember. “Well… I insisted on paying what I ordered.”
“And he accepted it? Not even trying to persuade you?”
“Not… really?” Eiharu notices the look on Hakaru’s face. “What?”
“I know my brother is especially caring, but he cares about you a lot, huh?”
“Hah?”
Hakaru waves his hand. “What else do you want to know about him?”
“Uh… his friends?”
“I don’t know much about that. He rarely goes out meeting friends.”
“Really?”
“He said their schedules don’t always match, so it’s hard to hang out. So, whenever he got invited, he always tried to make time for them.”
“Sounds like a hassle.”
“Because you dislike meeting people. If I were his friend, I’d always ask him to meet whenever he can.”
“I’m sure he got bored seeing you all the time.”
“Hey.”
“Still… I know he doesn’t just stay at home, but at times, I wonder what he does in his free time.”
“Why don’t you go with him, then?”
“Do you even hear me? It’s his free time, why would he spend it with someone else?”
“Huh? Who says you have to be alone in your free time?”
Both looking at each other, frowning, clearly not sharing the same wavelength.
“Oh,” Eiharu is the first who notice, and he clears his throat while looking away, “I mean… yeah.”
“Yeah, what? What do you mean by ‘yeah’? Wait, no. I think I also understand why you think that way.” Hakaru nods his head in understanding. “Don’t you get bored, though?”
“No?”
“Don’t you wanna go somewhere?”
“I do, but I go alone.”
“To where?”
“To… places I have been. Places I frequently visited.”
“Hmmm… what about new places?”
“Sometimes, but rarely happens.”
“If I ask you to come with me to new places, will you go?”
Eiharu deadpans. “Didn’t you?”
“Eh, I mean after this.”
“Can I say no, though?”
“No.” Hakaru laughs. “I’m being courteous.”
“Which part?” Eiharu rolls his eyes. “Does he always… agree? To go with you.”
“If he has no other appointment, yeah.”
“Heeh.”
“Though, at times, he has to return to the hospital for emergencies. When it happened, I had fun on my own.”
“Is that so.”
Hakaru studies Eiharu’s expression. “I think the hardest part being with him is that. His work is the most important thing.”
“...why are you telling me this?”
“Just saying.” Hakaru shrugs. “But… your mother does the same, doesn’t she? When things go rough in the hospital, she has to come no matter what.”
“...yeah.” Eiharu inhales. “It happens a lot. I’m used to it.”
“Are you lonely, Ei?”
“Me? No at all.”
“Really? Not a bit?”
Eiharu thinks briefly. The older he becomes, the less that the silence of their home bothers him. When his father was still around, the stillness and silence were something he always looked forward to. When his father left, Eiharu realized how big and empty his house was. However, with how chatty Haruna always is, Eiharu often thinks he has less solitude than normal. But when Haruna spent her time in the hospital for a few days straight without returning home, he thought about whether she preferred to be at home more or not.
“I wonder,” Eiharu replies, “I like staying in my room by myself. When she’s around, at times I feel the obligation to come out to chat with her.”
“You don’t like it?”
“I don’t particularly look forward to it, but… it’s not like I hate listening to her stories.” Eiharu inhales deeply. “Women tend to speak a lot, don’t they? If it’s just stories about her work, I don’t mind giving her an ear. I just… dislike how it easily changed course into a lecture.”
“Ah, right. Mothers are like that, don’t they?” Hakaru chuckles. “One second, they talk about the hot gossip they heard somewhere. Another second, they suddenly brought back past mistakes.”
“Your mother is like that too?”
“Of course! All mothers are like that. And mine keep complaining how her two sons never listen to her ramble. She said having at least a daughter should do the trick.”
“...and what do you think about it?”
“If she wants to have another baby, then she should. However, I don’t think she’s serious, especially since she’s past her prime to get pregnant. My brother also thinks the same way.”
Eiharu blinks. “Just that? Don’t you feel… I don’t know, like… didn’t she mean she regrets having two sons and no daughters?”
“Hmmm… I don’t think she was serious. She doesn’t sound like cursing us, maybe that’s why I don’t take it to heart.” Hakaru looks at him. “Did Aunty… ever curse you?”
Eiharu doesn’t give an immediate answer, trying to recall the awful lot of stuff Haruna ever said unconsciously. Things were bleak; she said so many things that both stayed in Eiharu’s mind or left forgotten.
“Maybe… not.” Eiharu shakes his head. “I don’t remember. Maybe she did, just using different wording.”
Hakaru is lying if he says he’s not concerned. “People often say mean things when they are emotional.”
“Mm, I know what you’re trying to say.” Eiharu’s lips curve slightly, awkwardly trying to smile to show that he is fine. “She’s still… speaking without thinking, but it surely less than before.”
“You set the bar too low, Ei.”
“Can’t really expect anything, you know?”
Hakaru says nothing, unsure of how to cheer Eiharu up. Despite now showing his gloom, Hakaru knows it’s still a sensitive topic to touch. It’s still hard for Hakaru to thread forward.
“Well… still a progress, I guess?”
Eiharu shrugs his shoulders. “Compared to how she was in the past, yeah.”
“You don’t hate her, do you?”
“No,” Eiharu shakes his head, “but I still wish she understood that she makes mistakes too. I don’t even want her to apologize, I just want her to acknowledge her mistakes.”
“I see. I’m sure that someday… she will.”
Eiharu glances at him. “For once, you sound unconvinced with your own words.”
“I’m not too sure how to respond, actually. Your family situation is the opposite of mine. I don’t know how not to sound rude or accidentally hurt you.”
“I’m not that fragile. After what I’ve been through, I can differentiate whether someone is being rude or not.”
“So… was I?”
Eiharu shakes his head again. “Not at all. I understand.”
“You know, I think that’s your strong point, Ei. You don’t judge people, and you always try to look from a different perspective and understand why some people behave that way. But… I also think it hurts you a lot. You try to understand people, but not many do the same thing.”
“Well… you overestimate me.”
“On the contrary, you are prone to underestimate yourself, Ei. It saddens me at times.” Hakaru’s smile looks a bit sad, indeed, and Eiharu doesn’t know how to respond. Hakaru twists the lid of his water bottle and chugs it down empty. “Shall we go back? Your face is a bit red. I think we stay out for too long.”
“...yeah. Let’s return.”