Chapter 31
Eiharu won’t go as far as the first memory he had as a toddler. Though he believes it won’t make any difference.
“My Dad… he never wanted a kid.”
The first time Eiharu heard that was from her father himself. Between those days when the man treated Eiharu like he didn’t exist or simply treated him like a nuisance, he said it to little Eiharu once, and Eiharu remembers it so well.
“Unlike now, the concept of child-free is almost unknown. I think he was one of the people who understood his inability to be a parent but was given no choice but to be one. I think there were moments when he tried to be a father but failed miserably. He didn’t know how to. He didn’t want to. And the more he tried, the more he hated me and my Mom.
“He didn’t raise his hand at my Mom, I think that’s the only plus point he had. However, divorce was inevitable. It didn’t matter whether he abused her physically or not, they had to separate.”
“Did he hit you, Ei?”
Eiharu glances at Hakaru before averting his gaze again. “The battle of custody… I’m not sure if it happened. All I remember is… he threatened my Mom. He dared her to file a divorce, and she did. He was shocked. In the trial, the adults asked me things about their relationship and how they treat me, who I want to stay with, and so on.”
Hakaru frowns but says nothing. Eiharu purposely ignores his question. Was it because his story just started and they would get to that part, or Eiharu simply doesn’t want to talk about it because it really happened, Hakaru couldn’t tell which.
“Since I clearly didn’t want to stay with him, so they let my Mom raise me by herself. She didn’t even ask for child support from him even if he had to pay. I don’t know the rest. I don’t care much.” Eiharu inhales deeply. His lips were shaky. “I dislike being around him, so I spent my time here. I think I sat here longer than in my own room.”
“Were you… alone?”
“Mm.”
“Didn’t you play with other kids?”
Eiharu shakes his head. “I don’t feel like it. Since I was a kid, I dislike crowds. I can’t deal with new people or introduce myself. I didn’t want to play with other kids. Group projects stress me out, and I can’t keep conversing with others longer than a few sentences. I really thought I was crazy.”
“But you’re not crazy. You’re just an introvert.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know any introvert who avoids human contact as much as I do.” Eiharu shrugs. “Well, I have no friends to begin with, so my point is kinda invalid.”
Hakaru wants to retort. He knows a few introverts who behave like Eiharu; avoiding human contact and feeling content with themselves. They don’t dislike casual chit-chat, just being selective with who they share their thoughts. Eiharu is the same. He just has no one to share his interest with. But he feels like Eiharu is going to deny it if he says that, so Hakaru refrains from speaking. It’s not the time yet. Right now, what Eiharu needs is an ear to listen. They can have another conversation later.
“And…” Eiharu makes a long pause, thinking of what else to say, “Ah, right. Before that, about not wanting to have me.” Eiharu sighs. “I don’t remember, but I think I asked him something. He looked at me emotionlessly and said… he didn’t want me, or any kids. He didn’t even want to have a family. But he had to marry a woman and build a home on his own. He just wanted to be alone.
“Back then, I thought he hated me because I made his life difficult. If I hadn’t been born, maybe he and my Mom would have had it easier. At the very least, they could live for themselves without having to raise me.
“As I got older, I think I understand his feeling of wanting to be alone. I also… dislike having others near me. I don’t get lonely when I stay in my room for days. I don’t feel the need to talk to anyone, not even my Mom. with how chatty and naggy she is, I can understand how suffocating my Dad would feel.” Eiharu chuckles. “I grew up resenting him thanks to how my Mom always described him to me. Yet, now I share his sentiment of wanting to hide in a hole and never come out.”
“So… you don’t hate him anymore?”
“I don’t know. I’m scared of him, actually.” Eiharu lowers his gaze. “I can only remember his coldness. If I were to see him now… I think I’ll feel uncomfortable, so it’s best that I don’t.”
Eihary fidgets on his spot. He clenches and unclenches his fist, rubbing the fingers as if trying to warm them up. He is nervous.
“So, like, I ended up staying here a lot. Alone. Waiting for my Mom to return. Ah, I returned before she was. I had to prepare dinner for them.”
“You cooked since you were a child?”
“Hmm… Yeah. She taught me. My Dad didn’t want to touch the kitchen. And when he did, he only cooked for himself. He could care less about us.”
“So you prepared the whole meals? From breakfast to dinner?”
“Just dinner. My Mom made breakfast.”
“...and lunch?”
Eiharu ponders. “Whatever was left from breakfast.”
Now Hakaru understands Eiharu’s tendency of postponing his meal. It’s not just laziness but also a habit his body developed from skipping it. Eiharu always says skipping a meal saves money. Haruna probably didn’t have enough, but Eiharu also being conscious that he had to be fed. He forced himself to be content with whatever he had.
“Don’t you…” Hakaru clears his throat, “So you can cook since you were little. After the divorce, shouldn’t you… have more chances to cook for yourself and your mother? Since your father wasn’t around the house anymore.”
Eiharu looks at him. “I actually dislike my own cooking.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t know why, I can never seem to make something decent for myself.”
“I don’t understand.”
“There’s always something off. It’s not as simple as needing more salt or using less sugar. It doesn’t fit my tongue. I dislike how it tastes even though everyone says it’s tasty and fine or whatever. At the same time, when I cook for someone else, I taste it just fine. But I still won’t feel happy eating it.”
Hakaru is deep in thought, trying to absorb the information. “Sounds like a psychological problem to me.”
“I think so too.”
“So, does it mean you don’t eat what you made for your mother?”
“Sometimes I do. Most of the time, I don’t.”
“Does she know that?”
Eiharu shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe she thinks I’m just being picky.”
“Is that also the reason why your cravings are usually super specific?”
“I think so?”
“Ugh, I’m not sure what to say.”
Eiharu shrugs again. “It’s fine. My weird condition doesn’t bother me.”
“It bothers me, though…”
“I still eat when I’m hungry.”
“No. You protest a lot when you’re hungry and took too long looking for something to eat and ended up starving yourself beyond belief.”
“...I still eat in the end.”
“Only because you can’t move until you fill your stomach.” Hakaru squints suspiciously. “Does my brother know about this?”
“Uh… I don’t think so.”
“Figured. I’ll tell him.”
“What for??”
“So he’ll pay attention when you two hang out.”
“Uh… why do you think we’ll hang out?”
“You won’t?”
“Well, if he asks me… maybe?”
Hakaru stares at him, studying his expression. So far, Eiharu usually acts indifferent towards people. He either puts on a fake smile or acts oblivious and doesn’t even pay attention. Yet, whenever they talk about Kanryou, he looks avoidant. Discomfort aside, Hakaru feels suspicious as to why his reaction is completely different. It surely wasn’t because they were old schoolmates, it doesn’t feel that way.
“Ei, what do you think about my brother?”
“What?”
“Just answer.”
“Uh… what do I think… about what part?”
“Whatever will do.”
“You need to be more specific.”
“Then… his look?”
“He’s good-looking.”
“What else?”
“And… properly maintained? He doesn’t smell like a hospital.”
“Hah?”
“I mean, healthcare workers usually smell like medicine. He doesn’t smell like that.”
“Oh, right. Yes, I understand.” Hakaru nods in agreement. “What about his personality?”
“He’s… a good guy.”
“How good is he to you?”
“Uh… good enough?”
“What did he do to make you think that way?”
The memory of Kanryou calming him down when he had a panic attack pops up. Eiharu had to look away, pretending like he needed to walk around the tree to check something, so Hakaru wouldn’t notice if his face happened to turn red.
“The normal things a doctor does to his patient.”
“Not all doctors are good, you know that. I want to know what he did to you. Be specific.”
“...do I have to answer?”
“What reason you have not to?”
None; Eiharu has no reason to hide things. After all, Kanryou hasn’t done anything questionable. His gestures and kindness were all normal. If Eiharu hides it, it makes him suspicious.
“Like… he helped me deal with my heatstroke once. He treated me like a patient.”
“Oh… I think he told me about that.”
“Really? What did he say?”
“That you had a heatstroke? And he let you stay in his office to rest.”
“Oh…”
“Why do you look disappointed?”
“I’m not. You’re seeing things.” EIharu clears his throat. “Yeah, he’s kind of like that. Like a doctor should. And he treats me like a patient.”
“Just that?”
“What else?”
“Hmm… I feel like he’s a bit different towards you.”
“No way. He doesn’t treat me specially.”
Hakaru purses his lips. Eiharu has no idea about Kanryou’s guilt. Telling Eiharu now sounds like a bad idea, and he’s unsure if Kanryou will be okay with it.
“Well… Okay, if you say that. But you think he’s a good guy, right?”
“Mm.”
“Do you like his company?”
“We haven’t hung out that long for me to decide.”
“But you two had known each other.”
“It was years ago, and we were brats. Can you say you’re the same as you were in your teenage era?”
“Hehe. But he’s still as kind as back then, isn’t he?”
Eiharu wants to retort but stops. “He won’t suddenly become a villain, will he?”
“Of course not. What kind of shit you’ve been watching?”
“Nothing.” Eiharu waves his hand. “To answer your question, I… am not against meeting him more. But I’m not sure if we have the chance. He’s busy, isn’t he?”
“Not to the point of having no time for you.”
“I mean, even when he’s not working, he’s probably doing something else.”
“Like I said, not to the point of having no time for you.” Hakaru shakes his head. “You probably don’t believe me, but he doesn’t have many friends. When he has days off, he usually just stays in his apartment. He doesn’t even go home that much to see our parents.”
“...hard to believe.”
“See?” Hakaru shrugs. “When he met his friends, he often left early.”
“...why?”
“I don’t know? He just said tired or the likes.”
“Maybe because he’s really tired.”
Hakaru deadpans. “Why are you making excuses for him?”
“Uh… just go along with the flow.”
“Okay, next question. Do you want to befriend him?”
“I’m… uncomfortable with that kind of question. What would you do if I said I don’t want to?”
“I’ll tell him to stop seeing you.”
Eiharu blinks. He wants to say something but is unsure of what to say. Normally, he would thank Hakaru if Hakaru offered the same thing about other people without batting an eyelash. Now that Hakaru says it, he feels like he doesn’t want to end things with Kanryou even if their relationship is nothing but friends for now.
“It’s… you don’t have to do that.” Eiharu looks uncomfortable. “I mean, he’s your brother. And he’s not a bad guy anyway. If you tell him to stop, then… uh…”
“I’m joking, Ei. you don’t have to be that nervous.”
“....”
“Besides, I’m also going with the flow.”
“...are you getting back at me?”
“Nah, I really want you two to be friends. But if you don’t want to, then I will make him stop. I won’t force you just because he’s my brother and you two used to be friends.”
“Don’t you worry? He’s your brother.”
“Worry about what?”
Eiharu bites his lips. He doesn’t want to say it openly; he never was. But it’s not like Hakaru doesn’t know.
“Worry if… I fell in love with him.”