16. I GREW A LIL MORE TODAY, I THINK?

It's around midnight right now. I was reading a chapter of one of the web novels I read. Suddenly, I started thinking about how my day went by and then picked up my keyboard.

The thing is I had my first heart-to-heart talk with my dad. It was a nice feeling. So, I thought, I have to kill myself to start anew with my loved ones.

So, right now, I'm killing myself. I'll be dead in around two hours and probably will revive tomorrow morning.

Things are never easy. They suck most of the time. Society is not a place for a newbie. Even veterans die here from time to time.

My Life was a mess. I realized it. I started searching for a genuine relationship. It didn't matter who was what to me. All I cared about was if I could form something genuine with them. Of Course, family is off-limits here.

I started searching for friends. Found two friends online. They taught me how many of the flaws I possess. I realized them one by one and destroyed them. I thank you.

I think, NOW. They have gotten bored with me. I mean, I expected the online friendship to not last long and for the excitement to die out soon. So does the friendship too.

Yaa! I am writing it here, as I think you guys read this work!

I think YOU might have stopped now. But, who cares!

What I wanted to say is that LET IT ALL OUT BEFORE ENDING THINGS.

I did say at first that, It would be YOU who might get bored first and leave. It sure is nice to HAVE NO EXPECTATION...

I wanted to START something GENUINE. It was nice to experience something new. Now even if it ENDING, Let it be in a GENUINE way as well.

It's fine either way. As I do live by my motto:

AS LONG AS I'M FINE WITH IT, I'M FINE WITH IT.

Yes. This one is made by yours truly. No copy was added.

I made this motto, to live my life, 'not having expectations for others.'

To say it more nobly would be...

"To not take things for granted."

The world is a cruel place. And, I'm just a mob here for now. My job according to fate is to make others shine, to make them realize their MC power and shit. According to fate.

I don't like that. It does not work with me.

I'm trying to say something here. But, don't know what is it that I want to type here.

So, I have stopped thinking for now, and am typing purely based on instinct.

To, my O friends, Sry about the above notes. Don't know what I wrote.

"My main goal is to find humans, meet them, and when leaving, ask for feedback. Mostly criticism. Then, realised something I may have been ignorant about. Then correct them. And, Move on to another target.""""

Just like that.

So, I apologise if I have offended someone.

I am doing this in irl too. I ask real people (strangers), meet them, ask for feedback, and reflect on it.

And, believe me, It's working for me.

Today's Target was my dad.

I have never talked to him heart-to-heart in twenty years...

Today, I initiated it. And, let him end it.

It felt nice.

I have realised something else from someone around 4 times my age experience than me...as well...

It felt nice.

Dunno, if I'm writing it down on impulse or anything, But, yeah!

I'm typing my real feelings.

It feels nice.

(Obviously, the second-hand embarrassment I'll feel when I proofread it would be on another level as well...But, who cares!)

I'm Growing, I think?

My next goal is to get a job. For the time being, the time limit is around one year.

....

I have not set my Life aim, yet.

Probably won't have a lifelong goal as well.

I plan on focusing on the next step. Not on the destination. When I finish getting a job, I'll have another goal to reach within a time limit. And it'll go on.

"I plan on living in the present, thinking for the nearest future while learning from the past."

But, It's hard. I lack too many things, and it's not my low self-esteem talking. It's my gut feeling, I think. I dunno.

I need Friends. I need Connections. I need Strength. I need Teachers. I need loyal workers. I need Knowledge. I need life experience. I need guidance. I need Critics. I need a PA as well.

Why do I need all this? I don't know. It's just, that I have a feeling that I need to put enough effort to have all this in my life, TO GET EVERYTHING I WANT.

Yes! I want everything.

The thing is, if you crave money, you lose relationships. If you focus on family, you lose money. Money here is a target amount. If you crave skills, you lose health. If you desire medical assistance, you lose natural things in nature.

Yes! I know it sounds like BS!

And yeah! It's BS.

But, what can we do?

IT'S BULL SHIT, BUT MINE!!

I know it's idealistic to think about it.

But yeah!!

I WANT EVERYTHING.

I want to be happy. I want my family to be happy. I want to take care of them when they get old. I want to live my life alone In the woods. I want to be rich. I want to stay fit. I want to be in good shape.

I WANT TO BE A JACK OF ALL TRADES.

I know, it's not realistic as well...

But, do I care? NO!!

Who set the limit on our omnipotent mind?

I don't know. I don't care to know either.

I only plan to become...

JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF SOME!!

It'll take time, But yeah!

I'll do them, one at a time.

For that,

I have to reach the starting line first.

To become capable to be able to participate in this race, I need to work on my fundamentals first. So, I need to know my flaws first, the ones which I may have neglected, being the ignorant being I am.

So, that's the gist of it.

I'm not happy now. Neither I'm sad.

Nor do I care about others, Nor do I feel bad.

But yeah, I would like to stay on good terms though...

Maybe that's asking too much!

WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS.

So, Let's not give it much thought.

See yaa...