22. Another Chapter of My Life?
[23/2/24]
Today, Somebody I don't know the name of, asked me, "Are You Okay?"
Met in an online platform of course.
And, I was unable to reply to that simple question.
After a little more thought, I replied, "Same as you. What about you?"
That's it. The convo ended. Waiting for a reply Ofc.
Now, it's not leaving my mind for some reason.
Of course, I'm fine. But, why was it that I wasn't able to write 'I'm Fine.'
My screen time still exceeds twelve hours. I thought I was over it. Every day, I want to make a new start.
Every day, I want to change. But, Inertia is not someone one can oppose easily. It's easy to seek change, But hard to do.
I was trying to sleep right now, as it's afternoon right now. But, my mind was giving me reasons to touch my phone. It was providing me with excuses as to why I need to pick up my phone. Like, I have to do This and That, and That as well...
And, I need my phone for that. Even now, I picked up my phone as an excuse for writing this chapter.
...
I need a reason to not do it. I need a reason to not pick up my phone. I need a reason to not do what I'm doing right now. I need a reason to not search for reasons. I need a reason to live. I need a reason to grow. I need to find the answer to that!
It's not easy to be a human who can get everything he desires. I want everything. I need both finance and family. I desire to be happy along with the ones I love. But, Everybody has their own problems they are dealing with right now. Every single person around me is struggling with their own problems.
...
This is not working. I thought writing it down might help me unload some of the problems I have. But, my problem is not really knowing what my problem is. I don't have a desire I need to be fulfilled right now. But, it's not like I don't daydream like others.
I have many things I don't like in myself, But it's not like I can change them or am even trying to change them, like those at the top.
It's hard not being able to do what you wish to do.
I NEED DISCIPLINE IN MY LIFE.
I NEED A GUIDE.
I NEED A MENTOR.
SOMEONE WHO CAN TEACH ME HOW TO SURVIVE.
I NEED A GOD IN MY LIFE.
TO TAME MY MIND.
I NEED SOMEONE TO TEACH ME.
HOW SHOULD I THRIVE?
I NEED DISCIPLINE IN MY LIFE.
I NEED TO CORRECT WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE.
----------------------------
That's all. I said almost everything I wanted to say in less than five hundred words.
I'm also a fan of long chapters, But it's definitely not easy to write them. The contents just don't last long enough...
So,
Let's create a poem.
--------------------------------------
To the sunshine, To the clouds...
To the cold wind, To my tiny little scouts...
To the greenery, I am barely able to watch out...
To the waves of the river, To the background sounds....!
.
.
I wish to reach out to you,
I wish to be in your arms.
I want you to make me happy,
I want to live under your command.
.
.
To the strongest, To the mouse....
To the disasters, To the drought...
To my keyboard, To my shy shouts....
To the constant nagging, To my self-doubts.....!
.
.
I wish to climb up to you,
I wish to be one of your kinds.
I want you to make me happy,
I want all of you to be mine.
.
.
To my self-esteem, To my unhealthy amounts....
To my uncontrolled desires, To my silent sounds...
To my gullible nature, To my unnoticed wounds....
To my future growth, To my infinite rounds.....!
.
.
I wish you to be happy, forever.
I wish you to be aware.
I wish you'll leave me alone,
And never come back. Don't even dare!
.
To Me, To You.
To Us, To those who don't have a clue.
To The Present, To our Time.
Be Cruel, Be Kind.
.
.
I need a reason, to not find things to use.
To stop my addictions, to read my own views.
I need a reason, to stop doing things I don't like.
I need a reason, to live my ideal life!
.
.
.
End*