Chapter 50: Difficult Pasts, Current Strengths

It takes a few seconds for me to register what Natsume has just said. 

"Wait, Ema-chan found Shin?" My eyes dart past Natsume, as though expecting to see the both of them. 

How'd she find him first in this crowd?

Natsume follows my gaze, then shakes his head, seemingly having read my thoughts. "They're waiting back in the parking lot. She managed to talk him into waiting until you come to meet them. She said it was a good thing he recognized her from your social media posts, otherwise he wouldn't have stopped." 

I didn't think much about it before, but it's really is a good thing I told my family all about Ema. While the city is a relatively safe place, you can never be too careful. But Shin knows that Ema's the friend who saved me from the capsule hotel, so he knows that she's not a suspicious person. 

Thanking my past self for the unknown foresight, I straighten and take in a breath. My nerves calm and the air feels a little less suffocating. A cool breeze passes through the station. Brief as it is, it's a refreshing change in the weather.

"Did Shin say anything?" I ask worriedly. I don't know what state he's in right now, but I just hope he isn't rude to Ema. If Shin's acting anything like a certain pink haired punk, there's a chance I'll never get invited back to Ema's. 

To my relief, Natsume answers in the negative. He's technically been briefed about the situation, so I'm surprised and glad that he doesn't have a preconceived dislike of my brother. At least, that's what it feels like. 

We head off the platform, and Natsume doesn't say anything. He doesn't ask me what I mean or any more about Shin's situation. True, people tend to mind their own business these days, but I know plenty of people who would rather be in the know. Or who'd be plain nosy.

It almost brings a smile to my face, but I remind myself that Natsume is probably doing all this for Ema. She's his sister, and I'm her friend. It must have felt like the right thing to do. If I were in his position, I think I'd want to do what I could to help as well. 

We weave through the crowds that have busied with the lunch rush. If we were in a romance manga I imagine he'd say something about holding hands so we don't lose track of each other. It's a stupid thing to be thinking about right now, but my mind is already warped with stress over how I'm going to handle Shin. Surely a little harmless fantasizing is okay for the moment. 

My daydreams shatter as we leave the station. It's quieter out here, and the air stills again. No cool breezes. Only stifling heat. A few blocks away I notice some grey clouds rolling in. Those weren't there earlier, and suddenly I wonder if it will rain. 

From atop the steps of the station I can see out to the parking lot across the road. There are rows of cars in all kinds of colours. It takes me a minute to spot Natsume's car. I spot Ema's ponytail peaking out from the side. I can't see Shin, but from the way Ema is facing I can only guess that he's here after all.

I clench my fists, and my nails bite into my palms. In my initial panic I said I'd go out and find Shin, but now that he's been found... now what?

Part of me still wants to go and knock some sense into him for making us all worry. I'd list out all of Shin's crimes in the past twenty-four hours: making Kaasan cry, making me involve Ema and Natsume into our family's drama, for running away without telling anyone where he's going.

Irritation bubbles inside me as I imagine raining hellfire down on my brother. First, I'd give him a smack, then a punch, then a headlock. If he's still alive after that I'd drag him all the way back to the station and get him on the next train home. I've got enough to worry about between work and school without needing to look after my brother.

My face must betray my emotions, as Natsume clears his throat beside me. Remembering myself, my hands fly to my face in an attempt to hide my thoughts.

"Sorry. Let's get going." I start down the stairs. When I realize Natsume's not coming with me, I pause and stare back at him, confused.

Natsume's frown is back. There shouldn't be any difference between his frowns, but this time he looks kind of concerned.

"Are you alright, Mai-san?" he suddenly asks. 

"Why wouldn't I be?" I say quickly. "Thank you for helping me find Shin."

Natsume frowns, but it's different from his usual resting face. "You almost look like you want to cry. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but is there anything else bothering you?"

What kind of expression am I making right now? I can't feel any tears forming, but my cheeks flush with heat. 

"I-I don't feel like crying," I stammer. "I'm just... I was just worried about Shin."

I know it's easy to be mad at my brother, and I would have gone right ahead with it.

But Natsume's words give me pause. He's not asking about Shin right now. Am I okay? Well, no. Not really. Why? For the previous reasons, and now I'm beginning to question whether or not beating up my brother is a good idea. Maybe it's the fact that Natsume's been really kind this whole time. His calmness puts me at ease and lets me think about what I'm going to do.

It's probably not a good idea to unload my worries onto Natsume, who's already done a lot for me this past month despite not knowing me. But he did ask me.

If only Kaasan were here, I think to myself. She'd know how to better handle this situation, whether to scold or soothe Shin's worries, whether to confess the thought that's now taken root in me, the questions about what the right thing to do would be.

But my mother isn't here right now, and I'm not her. I'm only Shin's sister and I never know what the right thing to do or say is.

I rub my face with my hands, feeling beads of sweat roll down from my bangs. I'm about to tell Natsume that it's nothing, that I'll be okay after I talk to Shin, but those violet eyes of his stare right through me, and my mouth moves on its own.

"Shin has never run away from home before," I blurt out. Natsume processes this, then nods.

I lower my head, fists still balled at my sides. "He's never had a problem with his family before, but I guess that's only what I think. I don't know what he really feels. In fact, I haven't known what he really feels for a long time."

"Are you two close?" Natsume asks gently.

"We were," I admit. We aren't so close anymore now. "I told Ema this already, but I think it's okay to tell you, too." 

Natsume readies himself. He doesn't look uncomfortable. Rather, it's like he's bracing himself for a real heart to heart. It's an expression I don't expect from him, and it catches me off guard. I can't help but crack a grin. There are so many new expressions from this man today.

"Shin and I were adopted our parents," I explain. Natsume doesn't look fazed. I'm not sure if it's because he already figured it out or if he's got that good of a poker face. 

"I was adopted first," I continue, "and Shin came later. We don't have the same birth parents, and we were both adopted when we were really young, so neither of us remember much about things before. We only know that we're allowed to look for real once we become adults."

It was an agreement by our parents—plus some legal policies—that Shin and I wouldn't search for our birth parents until we became legal adults. It made things easier on all of us: Shin and I got a childhood free of drama, and our parents could forget that their children shared no blood relations to them. 

I'm going to be twenty soon, so if I want to I can look for my birth parents then, but right now all I want to do is finish school and find a job. There are more pressing things in my life right now to deal with than a past I don't even know. 

But maybe it's different for Shin. Maybe it was always different.

We were different.

"I've never minded it," I say, thinking of my parents now. They're the only parents I know, so I didn't think too hard about it. "I thought Shin felt the same. I mean, it was never a family secret, but it's not like we told everyone, either. But..." 

I trail off, my gaze drawn toward the parking lot again. Ema has shifted to the other side of the car. Now I can see a familiar head bobbing in front of her. 

It's Shin.

"But I guess it could've been bothering him this whole time... and... if it has..." I stare down at my hands. My eyes glisten with sweat. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. 

"...if it's been bothering him this whole time and I didn't realize it..."

I'm the only other person Shin knows who's like him. I'd be the only one who'd have a sliver of understanding what he feels. 

So why didn't I? 

Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I call him more? Why did I leave for far away Tokyo? 

"I see," Natsume murmurs. He turns away so he doesn't see me crying. 

"You're not surprised?" I can't help but asking. "That we're adopted."

Natsume crosses his arms. "I've never met Shin-kun before, so I couldn't say. As for you, Mai-san, I haven't known you for a long time, either. But even then, I can't say I'm unfamiliar with how complicated it can be."

Oh.

Words Ema once said to me when we first met come rushing back. 

My family is a little different. I have two fathers and two mothers. I have my Papa and Miwa-san, and the parents I never knew. When I first found out I was adopted I was so scared that I wasn't wanted. I sort of ran away from home. I felt like I didn't deserve the love and care that my family was giving me now. 

But everyone was so kind to me even after they found out. Papa told me the whole story, so things started to make more sense. Juli also told me about the feelings of the mother and father I never knew. Natsume-san found me when I didn't come home and gave me a place to stay. Then Louis-san gave me a makeover and told me that I wasn't alone. 

He knows what it's like, too, and I know he'd be okay with me telling you. Not just because we're in similar situations, but because he'd know that you wouldn't think differently about him, or me. We've both had to figure things out a bit differently from others, but we're finding our way, ne, Mai-san?

I have my own feelings about how Ema's father never told her about her adoption until she found out for herself, but my opinion on that doesn't matter. Ema's made her peace with the past, and so have I. I can't say it was easy, and knowing that makes it a little easier for my frustration towards Shin to fade.

When I try to gauge Natsume's reaction I realize that his expression has changed. Instead of the sympathy I've come to expect from non-adoptees, Natsume is smiling. His lips curve slightly at the tips, and his eyes radiate warmth. 

"Thank you for telling me," he says. "I know I could never understand what it's like, but if it's any consolation, you've been really strong all this time, Tsukiyo-san."

"N-Not really. I don't know if it's anything to be 'strong' about..." I sputter in my surprise. The weight of his words becomes more apparent as I remember that he was there for Ema when she needed it the most.

It kind of feels good to be told that I'm doing okay after all. 

"Do you think Shin-kun has also tried to be strong in his own way?" Natsume suggests. He doesn't say it outright, but I know what he's asking.

"I wonder about that..." 

I glance toward the parking lot again. Ema and Shin are still there, except now Ema has noticed us. And so does Shin. From this distance I can make out Shin's face. He's glaring at me like I'm the last person on earth he wants to see.

On instinct I scowl right back. Next to me, Natsume chuckles.

Embarrassed to be caught out, I clear my throat. 

"Thank you for saying that, Natsume-san. Let's go to Shin."

Natsume nods, and the two of us cross the road together.