Chapter 53: Downpour

Lightning flashes outside the window. When the sky dims the two of us shake like leaves. 

Well, I am, anyway. 

I don't know Natsume that well, that's true. But he's a big guy. And I can see that under his own wet shirt that he's no stick figure. He could take me down if he really wanted to.

Shin, having only just met him, doesn't realize that. Or rather, he doesn't see it despite all the evidence staring him right in the face. 

My younger brother glares defiantly up at Natsume, disregarding the fact that he is clearly an adult who could definitely get himself out of trouble with the law to beat up a high schooler. 

Ukyo-san could do it if he really wanted to, I bet.

Gulping, I quickly try to smooth things over. 

"Shin, apologize," I hiss through gritted teeth. "You shouldn't have said that."

"And so what if I did?" Shin gripes back. 

"Shin, you're being rude to my friend. You shouldn't go around talking about people like that!"

Heat rising in my cheeks, I slam my hand down on the table—not that it makes much of an impact to Shin. 

"Your sister is right." Natsume flashes a pinched smile. He looks ready to thrown down. I think I preferred it when he frowned! 

Kowai yo!

Shin doesn't take the hint and digs his grave deeper. 

"So what? She acts like she's right all the time, but she's not." Shin narrows his eyes at me again. A creeping sense of foreboding grips me. At least Ema's no longer his focus.

"I wish I was wrong about you now," I retort. "You've been nothing but rude to everyone since you got here and it's not cool. I don't remember you being such a brat."

"Hmph. Well maybe I've changed since you last saw me. Ever think about that, huh?" Shin barks. "Oh, wait, that means you'd have to come home, so that's not happening."

"What are you trying to say? I came home for New Years and—wait," I catch myself, "This isn't about me! This is about you running away from home and then being mean to everyone who's trying to help you!" I lean over the table, glaring.

"I never asked for your help!" Shin fires back. 

"What else were you going to do, huh? Where else were you going to go? Did you even have a plan for what you were going to do once you got to Tokyo?"

"It's—it's none of your business," Shin snaps. "You don't know anything!" In the heat of the argument I miss the hurt in his voice.

"I don't know anything because you won't tell me," I argue. "I wasn't going to ask because I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it. Kaasan told me—"

"Yeah, because she tells you everything, doesn't she? You two are so close that you share secrets. You're just like her and it pisses me off!"

"What's the problem with that? I like being close to our parents. I like talking to them. I wanted to talk to you more, but you're always texting that you're busy or can't talk."

"Well, you could choose your timing better, for one," Shin grumbles.

I put a hand to my face, trying to soothe over the rage building inside me. I don't want to snap at him, but he's not making this any easier. What am I supposed to say to calm him down? How am I supposed to be a good older sister right now?

"If you didn't want anything from me then why did you come along? Why not take another train to another city?"

My questions hit Shin. He stumbles and fumbles with his reply. His face reddens and he sputters, "I-I wasn't coming to meet you at all! I just happened to get on this train. Anywhere that's not home. So quit whining like you have to take are of me all of a sudden. I'm not a kid."

"You are to me," I say, wishing I'd chosen better phrasing. "You're my brother and I'm going to worry about you whether or not our parents ask me to. That and this are two different things!" 

Is that the guilt of not being there for him speaking out? Probably. Does Shin get it? Nope.

Natsume, long forgotten in the argument, has resigned to stepping back out of the argument. He doesn't retreat entirely, as if still determined not to let Shin's comment about Ema slide. 

In truth, I'm ignoring Natsume too. I feel bad for him, but this conversation isn't about him right now.

"Yeah, right. Kuso, you're so annoying!" Shin raves. "You act like you're soooo important like you have to look after me, but you don't. I don't need looking after. I got here myself, didn't I? So I'm going to deal with things by myself. If I wanted your help I'd ask for it. So just leave me alone!"

He stands and shoves past a startled Natsume. Instinctively, I latch onto his shirt to stop him from going. 

"Shin, stop!"

"Let go!" Shin slaps my hand away. Stunned, I rub where he hit. Pure anger burns in his eyes and it scares me. I don't think he's ever been like this before. 

"Not until you tell me what's wrong!" I protest. I follow him toward the door. I won't let him out of my sight. Yes, I screwed up by escalating things, but I can't take it back. All I can do is try not to make things worse. 

"Why can't you tell me what's wrong, Shin? We used to talk about everything. I know we're older and that you're a boy, but that doesn't mean we can't talk at all."

"You wanna talk now? Gimme a break!"

"Shin!"

"Just stop!" He pushes me away. I stumble back a couple of steps into Natsume, who catches me like he's used to it and rights me up again. 

"Thanks," I mutter to him. He nods in response. Across the room Ema has leapt up from her seat, but after the commotion she's frozen in the aisle. Her eyes dart from me to my brother and back again. Even the couple in the corner has gone quiet. 

"What do you want, Shin?" I say, my voice straining. "I don't understand why you're being like this, and I can't understand if you don't tell me. If you want to talk in private then we can do that instead."

I give him options, but as I say it I realize it's not going to help. 

"Or if you don't want to talk right now, fine. We can talk later. Can you please just calm down?"

"Oh. My. God. Quit babying me!" Shin explodes. His back presses against the door. I'm afraid he'll bolt. I start edging toward him, careful not to move too suddenly. 

"You keep acting like you're right all the time and trying to coddle me like I'm some kid. Kaasan already does that, and she's not even my real mother!"

"Shut your mouth, Shin. You've got no right to say that about her." Hurt seeps into my words like I'm the one he's insulted. 

Shin gives a depreciating laugh. "Well, she's not, and I don't get why we're trying to pretend otherwise. Like some big happy family. Well, we're not, are we? We're fake. All of it's fake!"

He kicks one of the nearby chairs, which tumbles over onto its side. In the back one of the managers is trying to brave the chaos. I'll save him the trouble. This has gone far enough.

I close the distance between us in one stride and give Shin a hard-earned punch to the nose. 

"Ite!" 

I shake my hand. My knuckles blush a bright pink. Shin has it worse. He doubles over, clutching his face. 

"The hell?!" His eyes widen. 

What, did he think I wouldn't do it?

"M-Mai!" Ema whimpers.

I shake my hand again, ignoring the pain shooting up my arm. Shin deserved it, and I'm honestly glad that he did. It's starting to feel like that's the only way we're going to get anywhere. They say boys often solve their problems with fists. Girls can do it too if we're pushed far enough.

"Even if you say that now there's no way that's the end of it," I whisper, my rage only tempered by a thread. My fists twitch at my sides, ready to spring into action again. "You've never had a problem before. What happened?"

On the floor Shin feels around his nose. It's not broken and there's no blood, but the skin is red and tender. He tries scrunching it and winces. When he picks himself up I can tell he's still pissed at me. He sways a little and tries to catch his balance against the door. Instinctively, I reach over to grab him if he falls. 

Shin pulls away. 

"This is what I mean. Quit acting like you care. I don't need you to look after me. I can do that myself."

"Like you 'looked after' yourself getting here?" I can't help but quip. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm no more responsible than him. 

Shin laughs. "Oh, that's rich. I'm not your kid, Mai. I'm not even your brother, so stop bothering me and just leave me alone!"

Outside, lightning strikes again and thunder follows. Pathetic fallacy at its finest.

We stand there, Shin and me, and I find I can't respond. I don't know the boy standing there spouting hurtful words over painful emotions. I can't understand what's going through his head or why. I'm out of my depth.

All I know is that this has happened and now we're stuck with the consequences of our actions. 

A look of what almost seems to be regret flickers in Shin's gaze, but it's gone before he blinks. With a loud sniff he staggers back into the door, pushes it open, and runs off into the storm. 

He doesn't even grab his bag from where it fell when I hit him. 

—————

It takes a moment before I come back to myself. 

"Mai-chan!" Ema catches me as I stumble toward the door. 

"Kuso!" I curse. I grab Shin's bag and make for the door, tearing away from Ema. I step out into the rain and frantically look left and right. Tall buildings rise up on either side, with lights flickering dimly through the downpour. Overhead the sky darkens to an inky grey, and the heat is suffocating.

I've let him go, and it's all my fault.

"Shin!" I shout. I take two steps, three. "Shin!" I take off in a direction—I don't even know which. 

"Shin! Get back here! You can't run off like that! You can't leave after saying something like that!"

Raindrops pelt my eyes. I can't even see where I'm going. The gutters gurgle by my feet, washing away anything and everything under the sky. 

What have I done? The regrets barrel towards me as fast as the rain. 

I shouldn't have goaded him like that. I should've been more gentle. I shouldn't have sounded so condescending. I wasn't trying to baby him. I was just trying to help. If that's not the kind of help that he wanted, then what was I supposed to do?

I don't have an answer. I can't even make up a sorry excuse for myself, either. It's clear that in this situation I'm utterly useless.

Totally useless.

My lips twitch into a hysterical grin. I don't even realize I'm crying. At least the rain is good for one thing. 

I reach the end of the street near the crosswalk. The light shines green to go. I cross. On the other side I look around for my brother. All I see are passersby carrying black umbrellas over their heads. They obstruct my view. It's too easy to lose track of a teenage boy in a crowd. 

I accidentally knock into someone passing by. They quickly dart away. In my haste I slip on an upturned piece of pavement and tumble backward. Landing flat on my bottom, pain shoots up my spine. I rub my back, feeling the grime and grit kicked up from the rain.

I should get up. But even if I do I won't be able to find Shin. Not like this. I ache and I'm dirty and wet and I'm tired. So, so tired. 

I manage to pull myself to my feet. My leg stings, and hurts even more when I touch it. My fingers feel a long scrape. What I fell against was one of the metal walkway dividers, and there must've been a sharp piece jutting out. A thin line of blood surfaces, streaking down from the wound as rain pelts me. 

Seething, I pull my romper down to try and cover it, but it's not long enough, and I don't have an umbrella. People look at me funny as they pass, or they simply duck their heads and don't look at all. I'd rather no one saw me in the first place. 

I try to convince myself that it's just the gloom talking. I have to keep looking for Shin or else he'll get himself into trouble. Our mother isn't going to like this. Then I remember I haven't contacted her for a while.

Kuso.

I hold out my phone and scroll through the notifications bar. My mother has since sent more texts and one missed call. The screen blur with water and I don't have the energy to try and wipe it clean. 

My arm drops to my side and I stare up at the greying sky. 

What else can I do now?

Nothing. You've failed.

But I did my best, and now I need to rest before I try again later.

You're seriously going to try again? He said he doesn't want to talk to you. You'd just be bothering him more. There's nothing you can do. Just give up.

And what? Give up on my idiot brother? What kind of sister would that make me? I get that we've grown apart, and that the bonds tying us together don't come from blood relations, but that doesn't mean I'm doing this out of obligation. 

I want to tell Shin that he's wrong. Our parents didn't adopt us out of obligation; they did it because they wanted to, and if he can't see that and accept it as the truth then he's only hurting himself. That's why I need to find him.

Okay, but take a break first. Sleep or something. Forget it for a while.

The idea sounds so convincing that I might have even gotten away with it.

 If not for the Asahinas, that is. 

Those Asahinas... They've been there for me a lot in the past month, and I hate that I keep burdening them. We're not family and we barely know each other, but they keep helping me nonetheless. 

Why? Because I helped Ema that one time? Because I'm a friend of Ema's? Is that really enough to justify getting involved in another family's drama? 

Maybe they pity me. I wouldn't blame them. It's not a good feeling nonetheless. 

Natsume finds me first, barely breaking a sweat, and when he sees me standing there, a half-drowned girl in the rain, bleeding from her left leg and in the middle of crying, the only thing he can do is wipe the raindrops from his bangs and tilt an umbrella over my head.