Chapter 54: Is it Really Okay?

Raindrops trickle down my face. I wipe them away. The gentle pitter-patter of the rain gives me pause. Natsume steps under the umbrella, though he keeps a polite distance between us. I have no idea where he got the thing, but it was smart of him to grab it before running outside. 

Avoiding his gaze, I let out a self-depreciating laugh. 

"I sure messed up, didn't I?"

What an understatement.

Natsume's eyes soften, but that could just be the reflection of the grey sky.

"I shouldn't have yelled at him like that," I admit, hanging my head. "I shouldn't have punched him, either. Though it felt good at the time." I cradle my fist, which throbs now. I must have hit him harder than I thought. 

"What am I going to tell our parents? You think there's a police box near here?" I look around. "They'll be able to handle it better than me, won't they?" 

I start to turn away when Natsume shouts, "Oi, wait a minute."

I flinch. What am I waiting for? I should ignore him and go. 

"I'm sorry to have dragged you into our family drama," I say. "Like I said before, I know you didn't have to get yourselves involved. I'm truly grateful that you and Ema keep helping me, but it's okay now. I can manage the rest on my own."

But Natsume isn't finished. 

"You didn't drag us into anything," he says firmly. He runs his fingers through his hair, shaking the rainwater off. "Why do people always assume they're burdening others? If we didn't want to help you then we wouldn't have offered in the first place. Isn't it okay for us to help because it's the right thing to do?"

When he says it like that I'm almost convinced.

"But you don't even know me." The words come out muffled, muted by the rain and my own lack of confidence. "Ema-chan and I are friends, but you have no reason to help me aside from the fact that you're her older brother. And Shin was rude to you, too. I'm truly sorry for his behaviour. He isn't normally like that."

It's clear to me now that I should have handled this whole thing better. I should have gone to the police from the start without trying to solve everything on my own. Isn't that what people normally do in this kind of situation?

I couldn't even do that.

"Shin's behaviour side, there was no reason to help you, huh?" Natsume sighs. "Was there no reason why you went after Shin, either?"

"What are you—"

Natsume steps forward so I'm sheltered by the umbrella again. My instinct is to back away, but he keeps step with me. He's not going to let me run away, too. 

"He said there was no reason for you to do that, but there is, isn't there? And it's not simply out of obligation, either."

The words settle in my mind. I turn them over, trying to understand what it is he means.

"I know it's not the same for us, but we're doing it because it's the right thing to do. That, and Ema cares about you, and I care about Ema. Isn't that good enough a reason to want to help?"

I don't know anymore. Is it?

Natsume angles the umbrella so the panels completely cover me—at the expense of the rain dripping down his own back.

"I get that you don't want to cause us any trouble, but it's not a burden to help out a friend. That's why Ema wanted to help you and why you wanted to help Shin. Does the reason even really matter right now?" he asks, eyes flashing. "Isn't it more important that people want to help you look for your brother? Isn't it important that you also have people who care about you?

"When hit with his questions the fight drains from me. I don't know if he's right, but I want to believe him. This culture we've built up of trying to do everything ourselves... Japan tends lean toward social collectiveness, but we can be individualists, too. Sometimes to the point of stubbornness.

It could be because I'm tired that I'm even thinking about this, that I'm considering Natsume to be the voice of reason in my unsteady state. That's how I'll justify my next action to myself later.

I lower my head and sob. "Is it really okay to rely on you?" I murmur.

As embarrassing as it is to ask something like that, I can't stop myself. I hope Natsume doesn't hear it over the rain.

"If I say it's okay, will you?" Natsume bends down a bit so he's at eye level. How strange must we look standing in the rain like this?

I curse myself for being this embarrassing out in public. I wipe my eyes and nose and brush the wet hair from my face.

He's right. If people say it's okay even when it's not, they'll only have themselves to blame for getting involved. That's probably not what Natsume means, but it's how I'm choosing to interpret his words right now. I don't think he'd fault me for that if he knew what I was thinking, either.

With a forced smile, I nod. "I'm sorry. I'll be relying on you a while longer. Please help me find Shin."

I bow my head, my bangs falling back in my face, rain dripping from the tips. My face burns from admitting that I need help aloud. It's never easy to admit to yourself that you can't do something, but it's even harder to come out and say it to someone else. I didn't want to show my weak side in front of a stranger like Natsume, who I barely even know. But here I am doing so anyway. What's come over me? Why do I want to believe in him so much?

I must be really really tired...

One day I'll make it up to him. To both him and Ema. I'll show them that I'm not always this incompetent. I can handle a lot of other things on my own, things that I've done before. Looking after my brother clearly isn't one of them, but that's okay. It doesn't matter what I can't do right now. The most important thing is to find Shin. 

"Thank you for reminding me of that," I say to Natsume as we wait at the crosswalk. 

He shifts so the umbrella covers me rather than him. He's been doing that a lot today. It's very kind of him, though I'm a little worried he'll catch a cold like this.

"It's not a problem," he says. "It can be hard to rely on others, even your own family. I understand why you'd be reluctant to ask a stranger for help. But I don't think we're complete strangers anymore, Tsukiyo-san."

Ahead of us, the lights turn yellow. In the distance I see Ema standing at the door of the noodle restaurant. She clasps her hands together in a mixture of worry and relief. 

I smile to myself. "After everything that's happened today, I guess not." I tuck my hair behind my ear and breathe deeply. The rain has slowed a little, and the thunder has finished its grand show. 

"You can call me Mai, by the way," I say. "It feels weird that I call you Natsume-san while you call me Tsukiyo." Me calling him by his given name makes it feel like I feel closer to him than he to me. That's not the case at all!

Natsume chuckles. "If you're okay with it... Mai-san."

Hearing him say my name makes me shiver. I tell myself that I'm just cold from the rain. It's no big deal. This is exactly how the rest of Ema's brothers call me. There's no difference. 

The lights change to green, our signal to go. Funny how many times it's Natsume who's been encouraging me today. It must be an older brother thing. I should take a page from his book and become more mature and adult-like. I might get better at talking to Shin as well.

Natsume positions the umbrella between us and starts forward. 

"Let's go."