Chapter 57: That Sounds Complicated

It might be wrong of me to directly ask my mother about something painful. No one wants to be in the room when their brother is having a fight with their mother. Likewise, no one wants to be in the room with both parents fighting, either. In this case, I have the advantage of being all the way in Tokyo, far away and far removed from anything going on at home. While I see this as a relief thing for myself, I can't help but feel guilty, as though moving away I've also intentionally separated myself from anything and everything to do with home.

So maybe it's not the right decision to ask my mother about her fight with Shin, but so far I've been acting on the assumption that it was all Shin's doing, that he was the one with the problem, that he might have been bullied about something to do with his adoption. Or that it was his emotions getting the better of him that started and ended the fight.

But what else am I missing? I realize I don't want to blame Shin or my mother. I don't want to take sides in my own family and base what I do on that assumption.

If anything, being away from my family has given me the privilege of looking at it from an outside perspective. Since I'm not there, I don't need to worry about taking sides or defending any one person. Shame floods me as I remember all the things I said to Shin at the restaurant.

He was still being a brat, but I should have tried to listen more.

Being a good adult sure is hard.

Next time I'll try to wait and listen. Who knows? My mother might not tell me anything, but who are we kidding? In our shared worry over Shin we're both in a sharing mood. I'm hoping that whatever she decides to tell me will help us find Shin again.

"You don't need to tell me everything," I say to my mother. "I don't need to know every little thing. It's just that I wasn't there, and Shin wouldn't talk about it. I was wondering if you would be okay talking about it instead."

Then I leave the words with her. The next move is hers.

Ema waits with me, the two of us downing our tea to soothe our nerves. She gets up at one point to get more tea, kindly making a new batch of mugicha. It's when she sets down the next round that Kaasan speaks.

Her voice is faint, like she's still unsure about talking about things. And that's okay.

"He said one of the boys at school was talking about it," my mother murmurs. "One of them heard something from their parents. About us."

"Us" being our family? I wonder.

"I didn't think anyone else knew about it."

No one had ever spoken openly about our adoptions back at home. Not outside the family, at least. My friends didn't know, though they might have had their suspicions. The fact that Shin and I don't look alike, that we don't really resemble our parents as much as the other people in our classes. In Japan we have the benefit of mostly looking alike, but there are still so many things you can notice about a person. Once you look closer, you'll find that we're all very different.

"It was an awful rumour he heard," my mother continues. "Something about how for a long time your otousan and I didn't have children. Back in those days everyone got married, had kids, and went on with their lives. Your otousan and I got married, but when we didn't have kids it was hard for people not to talk about it."

Through the phone I hear the pain in her voice. I can't imagine what that would be like. For myself, I'm going to be twenty soon. It's no longer the legal age of adulthood, but it's still a major milestone. When my parents were my age there was a different kind of normal. If I'd been their age during that time, would I be expected to be a certain kind of normal, too?

"After a long while, your otousan and I decided to adopt. We wanted children even if they didn't come from us. That was how we had you and Shin."

I know that part of the story. My parents have never hidden it from us.

"Your birth parents we don't know much about, but Shin's..."

"Hai?"

My mother hesitates, then says, "We've always told you and Shin that we weren't allowed to know much about them for privacy issues. That's true."

"Okay."

"But that doesn't mean Shin's birth parents know about us, either."

"I mean, why would they know?" If you go through an orphanage, isn't the assumption that the birth parents no longer have the rights to their child?

Kaasan's voice cracks again. She holds back a sob with a loud sniff.

"It was a coincidence, really. A silly little thing that we didn't think would ever happen."

"What? Don't tell me Shin's birth parents live in town."

That would certainly make for a good drama series.

"Iie, iie. That's not what I meant at all! One of Shin's friend's relatives happened to be in town visiting. It was them who saw Shin when he went over to do that gaming thing."

"Oh."

I lean back against my bed. "So that person saw Shin and thought he was their kid?"

"Not their kid," Kaasan corrects. "Their younger brother."

I swallow. "Their younger brother?"

I don't understand. I set my glass down on the box for fear that I'll drop it. I don't realize that I've grabbed Ema's hand and squeezed hard. She doesn't push me away. She comes to sit beside me, staring straight ahead at the wall.

"Shin has an older brother?"

"We don't know that for sure, but that's what they thought. Tanaka-kun's parents thought the same once it was brought up. Shin said that Tanaka-kun made a 'big deal' about it. I'm not sure what that family's circumstances were, but it must have been bad. Tanaka-kun started talking about it with their other friends, and I think that's how word got out that Shin was adopted. He said that everyone at school was talking about it."

I seethe. "Why would they talk about our family like that? It's not that interesting of a story."

Even as I say it I hear the lie. Of course it would be fascinating if your classmates happened to be related, and if the situation was born from a scandal...

"I'd noticed Shin was getting quieter lately, but I thought it was a teenage boy thing. The other moms said their sons stop talking to them at this age, too."

"How did Shin feel about it?"

I can't imagine what he was going through if all his classmates were gossiping about him. In our town everyone knows everyone, but we tend to keep our heads down to not cause trouble. What's the point of sticking out in the wrong way, right?

I'm not sure if this would be considered a bad way to stick out, but if my classmates suddenly started gossiping about my family like we were a reality TV series, I don't think I'd be able to keep my emotions in check, either.

"I only heard about it briefly from one of the other moms," my mother admits. "I had no idea it was happening. My own son! I tried to talk to him about it yesterday, just to see if he was okay or not. I ended up saying the wrong thing. I must've sounded like I was blaming him for keeping quiet about it."

"Kaasan, I know that's not what you meant. I'm sure Shin will understand that, too."

"Still..." She sniffs. "I messed up, and Shin told me that everyone was talking about him online. They said he was a mistake and that's why his parents didn't want him. He said that everyone was talking about our family like some charity case, like we were only his foster parents before he went back to his—his real parents."

I close my mouth. "But we're his real family."

"I thought that, too, Mai. But Shin said he didn't feel that way." My mother is full on crying right now, and I'm unable to do anything about it.

I press my phone close to my ear. "It's okay, Kaasan."

She ignores me and goes on. "He said that we were a fake family trying to be a real one, and I said that whatever he heard isn't true, that we didn't know anything about his birth parents other than the fact that they couldn't raise him. I-I asked how they could be his real family when they hadn't even raised him."

That must be pretty awkward to digest if you've already met your possible older brother.

"What did Shin say then?"

"He got mad, of course." Kaasan scoffs. "We kept arguing about who his real family was, and in the end he stormed out. He said that no one was his real family after all. Not us. Not the Tanakas."

"And after that?" I press.

"I-I told him that he could go back to the Tanakas if he wanted to, but that we were his parents. Not them."

"I see. That sounds complicated."

Really, Mai? That's all you've got to say?

But what else is there to say? If Shin seriously thought that Tanaka-kun's relatives were his family, did he feel like Kaasan was rejecting them? Did he feel like she was instead rejecting him?

I have no idea what goes on in a teenage boy's head at all.

"So that's what happened. I think I understand things a little better now."

That explains why Shin was so adamant on not calling us his family. If he thinks he's met his birth family then he must be at a loss of who he should run to. As a fellow adoptee, I was curious about my own birth family at one time or another, but if I ever met them accidentally I think I'd be in shock. But I don't think I'd question whether or not my parents now ever loved me.

"Does Shin think he can only have one family or something?" I mutter under my breath.

"I don't know," Kaasan says. "I just know that I want to talk to him again when I see him. I want to apologize for yelling at him. I want to properly explain that we really don't know anything about his birth family, that the Tanakas might not even be his birth family. There are lots of people who look very similar but who aren't related to each other at all."

She has a point, but after all this I don't want to settle on one conclusion just yet. I need to be more open to the possibility that the Tanakas might indeed be Shin's birth family, because if that's what Shin is thinking then I shouldn't disregard it. Whatever the truth is, Shin's truth matters most.

"I think I understand things better now," I say again. "Thank you for telling me, Kaasan. I'll be more careful with Shin next time I see him."

"Okay, Mai. Please be careful. Tell Shin that we are his family no matter what."

"I will, Kaasan. Make sure you and Tousan rest, too. You've got to be ready for when Shin comes home."

"He might not want to talk to us for a while. I don't blame him. If Shin doesn't want to come home yet... Mai, would you let him stay with you for a while?"

I snort. "I was going to let him stay before he ran away again, but I guess I can make an exception."

"Mai..."

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'll let him stay over until he's ready to go back home."

Ema smiles at me. She knows what it feels like to need a safe haven away from all the chaos. It tickles me funny that I might have to be like Natsume in this situation.

"Thank you, Mai. Please thank Ema-san and her brother for us as well."

Ema hears this and shakes her head. She isn't helping me so she can be thanked.

I smile. "I will. Talk to you later, Kaasan. I'll let you know once we find Shin."

We end the call shortly after that. I need a minute or two to process everything before I go out to look for my brother again.

"Wow," I say to no one. "I can see why Shin was so mad now."

Ema solemnly nods, having picked up most of the conversation. "We never really know what other people are going through, even if they're close to us."

"I guess I should call the police now." I pick up my phone again. "Is there a separate number to report missing persons?"

Ema chuckles. "If there is, we'll find it. We'll find Shin-kun again, Mai-chan."

Relieved by having my friend here with me, I begin the search for the police's contact information. Partway through, Ema receives a text from Natsume. This turns into a call. She gets up and steps into the hallway outside to talk to him.

I pretend to give her some space, but I'm too curious to know what's going on. What would he need to tell her that I couldn't hear?

I step into the genkan and open the door a crack. Ema immediately sees me as she's leaning back against the opposite wall.

Busted!

Embarrassed, I open the door and tilt my head questioningly.

Ema asks Natsume for a moment, then turns to me and says, "It's okay now, Mai-chan. Natsume-san found your brother."

I vow to never tell Shin that my legs give out when I hear this.