If You Cry You Die

He smirks, the tip of two fingers touching my blade to push it away from him while still staring at me. I lower back my arm along my side -It's a pleasure to find you in so much glory-

My knuckles whitening on the sword -How is it that every word you say is a subtle provocation?-

-Are you trying to say that you get turned on by my voice?-

-Ah? Tz...- I click my tongue and lower to talk by his ear -Do you have a death wish?-

His eyes watching me from the side with sparkles, as he enjoys the conversation -Mmmh...- purrs in his throat he -I cannot deny that just the thought of your hands around my...- I rise the arm with the sword and press it over his clothes -... Throat, really amuse me. But... This blade of your seems to have different plans- he smirks into my eyes, pointing at the fabric of his clothes coming undone

-Common men can only dream about touching me, all you'll only ever recive violence from me- I say straightening back up

-Talking as of you were some kind of holy creature, blessings us all with your presence- He fixes himself up -I love how you can lose everything but not your Ego-

-Lose?-

-Look at you...- he opens his arms and looks at me from head to toe -Your Nobility, Your Grace, Your Rank... You're just a soldier like anyone else here-

-I thought voices reached the capital but let me enlighten you on WHO I really am- and as i talk the earth begin to tremble under his feet -How is this?- I lean foward, face to face with him who simply rise an eyebrow, unamused, turning on the heat I begin to melt the earth, right a step before actual Lava

He stares more into my eyes smirking pleased -It's Perfect-

...

Getting back into my tend I find a couple of candles still burning with fire, Qin Luo seated at the centre of the room waiting for me. I sigh loudly

-Lai'Er...- he tries to begin while I head to my bed

-It's late General, you should sleep- while walking I let the corners of my cloak to float in the air and all the flames die, he looks around displeased and reach to grab my arm -I really cannot escape this conversation, can I?- I rise my hand letting fire form on my palm, throwing shadows on my face -Speak-

He gulps down looking first at very close flame then at my eyes above it -I'm just worried, you don't look so good...-

-Nobody does these days-

-You know what I mean-

Looking to the side I enflame the candles and join my arms behind the back -I have a whole Nation's future on my shoulders without even knowing what to do... A war to fight, with supernatural beigns moving its strings who are ten times more powerful than me... Powers with which i could hurt many innocent ones... New Enemies whom origins are still unkown to me... Spies that constantly keep guarding me, making my trust crumble... Soldier that one day kneel before me calling me a Goddess and the other want me dead... And now, to top all of this... A guy who's tongue could drive crazy a monk appeared! So excuse me if I don't look my best-

He narrows his eyes reviewing my words again and again, so to miss a single point -New Enemies?-

-Yes, a powerful being... Probably a Ghost King or a Master of Wicked Arts- I suck air in, falling seated in front of him

-Can you... Handle any of those on your own?-

-You don't want to know the answer... Nor do I want to know how many of these creatures are actually my Enemies-

-There could be more?!-

-Yes-

-But what about those deities you saved...? And that other man...? Aren't they all powerful?-

-It was one of these deities who warned me, I cannot fight those Beigns... And that man disappeared-

-What about the spies? Or the Silver Tongued man?-

-That's... Nevermind, I don't want to talk about all of this now. It's not like I can solve anything just by talking- I say coming back up but he follows me and grabs on my wrist, I move my eyes to meet his, unsteady and shiny -Stop with that mindset Qin Luo... I can read all your thoughts-

His eyes lower, pondering whether to say something or not for a few seconds -You can read everyone... But nobody can read you...-

-I'm sure very cleaver creatures are out there, foreseeing every move of mines-

-I'm not talking about that...- I bite on my lip, using all my self control to shove back into my throat some words, trying to avoid hurting him -... I mean knowing you, knowing how you feel or supporting you as you deserve-

But, sadly, I'm quite short on self control today. Freeing my hand I stop him from talking -Listen... This conversation is not going to benefit any of us. You will keep on feeling useless and heartbroken and I will feel guilty and, if I have to say it, annoyed... I don't want to hurt you, but please refrain from exploring this topic again in the future.

I'm here for Justice, I'm here to fight, to save lives and also to prove my worth for future generations if possible... I'm not a frail girl, I'm enough for myself and will not search for any "missing piece" into someone else who can complete me. I understand myself just fine, that's why I'm so thorned about all that's currently happening... I'm loosing hope? Yes, but I cannot let myself to fall on my knees and cry while hoping for someone to help me stand back up and kiss me better, that's unproductive... You can have others helping you of course, but you should always have the ability to help yourself in the first place.

And that...- I point out of the tend -... Is not an Harem or anything, but a War between Heaven, Earth and Hell. Emotions are in the way when you need to think of an impossible way to save everyone. Emotions make thinking straight difficult, they could led to a wrong action... To greed or even to self destruction. On the battlefield, anyone could die or betray you... If you spend too much time beign sad you will be stabbed in the back.

No glory is needed, I could even ascend to Heaven and wouldn't care now! If I were to, I would use that power to build a new World... A free one, where the human's greed and various weaknesses do not cause any more injustice... Why am I so lost lately? Because I don't see any meaning in ending one war out of many just to save a world that does not have a meaning in existing!!! I WISH I COULD REWRITE HUMANS, LIKE THIS THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIVE-

Qin Luo keep staring at me the whole time with wide eyes, not breathing almost -You are... So glorious- murmurs him, taking me by surprise

-What?-

-The aura around you became so glorious for a moment... You really looked like a real deity, I could almost see it all turn Golden- he smiles, making me knot my eyebrows confused

-You're... Not mad or sad?-

-No... I think I'm... Beginning to understand, for real now-

-Uhm...-

-Let's sleep now, it's been quite a day- I nod and head to my own bed

-Quite a day...- I whisper to myself, recalling the words I just said... Feeling just a tiny bit better for finally admitting what has been troubling me for a while...