Sun and Moon II

"Jun", "Love above everything else" and "Salvation" one under each other's in a line, then "Lai'Er" beside his son's name on a second line.

-My son... And you. I made these before departing for War when it started a couple of years ago... You name instead, I added it recently to remember our meeting. It is already been a year...- he looks at the sky and all of the colours reflects in his irises - I was living a meaningless life, shameful and degrading... I needed to change indeed. But not for someone's name or honour, I needed to change so not to hurt others anymore and to pay for my sins. Honour, afterall, is useless if your whole life is made of cold rules... You know that well, Lai'Er.

Forcing yourself to follow them and feeling ashamed for not being able to keep up... That's when I engraved "Meaningless existence" on me, when I realized how disgusting I was but didn't know hot to fix myself so to meet my father expectations... When I simply felt broken and wanted my son to have a better parent than me-

I reach out and hand and cups his face, catching a tear.

-I don't know if I have became worthy of my son, but I found my reason to live with him... He gave me strength and pushed me to become a better human, just so he could one day look up to me and he could feel proud, feel loved... All things that I didn't have. And you...-

His voice trembles and he looks down to the ground. -I cannot honestly put it into words, not anymore. My love for you has become too great and deep that I can hardly contain it... You and my son are like deities, above me and out of my grasp. I'm unworthy of your benevolence and I don't even mind it, yet you both keep making me feel the desire to live. What I feel for you is no more romance, but a bond deeper than blood... Form you and for xiao-Jun I would give my life-

He places his hand on mine, -I'm not even worthy of this, yet I egoistically want more. I want you to love me and to accompany me in my miserable existence... To watch over me with your heavenly benevolence and allow me to forget all the pain that exist in this world. I hate to admit it, but I honestly wish we could run away and leave this all behind...- he looks me in the eyes, a bit of a smile and tears wanting to run down... The expression of s person who's giving up against their will -But this is wrong. So I decided that while you save the world, I'll allow myself this small wish of mine of staying by your side even if I am just a pawn in your hands...- his voice is soft, like a pray in the deep of the night.

...

I find myself at a loss of words, I never know what to say when it comes to him... He already confessed to me once, but this time is different.

I can understand his words much better, they cut deeper into my flesh... I know the pain he talks about, I'm familiar with his emotions now. I too have suffered the consequences of not being the perfect child my parents desired, I too both rebelled and succumbed to it. He decided to waste his life away because of that, while I decided to live in a lie...

But what I understand even better is the desire to run away now, the through of not being enough... He feels inferior toward me, while I feel inferior toward the commoners. I want to bow down to the world and apologize... I am supposed to save them all, but I don't know how, I don't know if I am capable of it, I don't even know if what I am doing is right or wrong anymore... I often find myself in the arms of that light haired man, just to forget about: "all the pain that exists in the world" too, but that is simply a momentarily relief, as much as Qin Luo wanting to stay beside me while being reminded of his pain.

I want to tell him, I want him to stop feeling pain and let him know that I too feel his emotions. But I can't, I mustn't give him false hopes... Afterall, we cannot run away anyway. We cannot be with or help eachother. I still need to end this war and he cannot follow me till the end. He has to return to his son and live with him... I need to ascend to Heaven and save the world instead, or die while trying to.

Only THAT man can actually help me, we don't have any emotions binding us down. We might need to use or even sacrifice eachother, attachment would only stop us from doing what's right... I am no more a human, I am a weapon and I shall act as one. I was once sure about what was right and wrong but now, with all these throughs and sentiments... I find myself quivering... Even when it comes to killing the enemy. That's why emotions are a burden.

...

-You don't need to reply, of course... I'm just venting out some messed thoughts that have been going around my mind these days- he finally says, taking me back from my trance.

When he is about to let go of me and stand up, I instead hold him back and drag him down on top of me -Lai'Er?- I hug him tight, my head pressed against his chest as he tries not to weight on me by placing a bent arm beside my head -I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I... I want to do and say things that I shouldn't. I carry on my back thousands of lives and I cannot allow myself to make a single mistake...- the door to my world opens slightly and I allow him to peek inside, but never step in.

He looks at me with wide eyes, the mouth slightly parted -ChnagLai...?- I could hear his heart beats from miles away, his face completely shoked, as realization hits him -You mean...? You actually... I... I'm confused, please talk to me!- his voice sounds the same of all the soldiers who try to wake up a dying comrade.

I should close that door, this world isn't meant for him. Only loneliness and rightfullness reside here... But maybe, yes, afterall that man was right. I'm an Egoist.

-Qin Luo, don't make me say things that will hurt you...- tears build at the side of his eyes -Say them anyway, even pain is a blessing if it comes from you- his free arm comes underneath me and hugs me back, his head resting on my shoulder.

-Qin'Ge, you're not part of my world, I must push you away. I can't bear to see you suffer... You might one day slow me down. If they use you to threaten me, I would still chose to save everyone and let you die... But I'm afraid of that- I gulp down with heavy breaths, afraid to admit it and let the idea take form -The pain of loosing you would be unbearable yet that's how it should be, I need to be the one to suffer for everyone else's safety... I cannot cross this line with you, I need to be able to sacrifice anything I cherish for this world-

His broken voice reaches me -So you feel pain too? Yet you're forced to shoulder it all alone...- I nod and somehow he smiles tenderly at me- I'm glad, I'm glad you told me all of this... Lai'Er. Now I know I'm not simply a crazy man that weights on you, I finally know that you actually decided to refuse my heart for a greater good... Not simply because you feel absolutely nothing toward me, It might not be my same type of love but still... This is what being a Deity means to me, and so my love for you can only deepen-

-Qin Luo... You're actually my weakness- and at that he lets his own selfishness take over, bending down to kiss me hungrily.

Although I have already experienced such type of kisses, it's much more different than that man... The other man feels like he wants to devour me alive, he's like a crazy wild beast. While Qin Luo is sharing all his love for me, allowing his pain to pour out of his cracked heart while still grabbing onto me in fear I might disappear. It's intoxicating, I'm drunk of him. It's nothing like the books I've been forced to read, where each touch came with a wave of timing youthfulness... Nor is it like those put together couples, where every single gesture has been decided beforehand and bears no sentiment. It's not even the emotions of married couples who love eachother, tenderly and foundly.

It's a hurricane... It's painful, I can feel my heart shrinking. Our souls seems to be connected, sharing words with eachother by each bite... Somehow I know exactly what he's thinking and feeling right now. The kiss is not perfect or pleasurable, it's sloppy and crazed... He sucks on my upper lip, then bite on the lower one just to cover my whole mouth with his one a second after. The eyes closed and the tears peeking through his lashes, his own bare back hurting as I hold onto him with my claws... Yet he doesn't care as long as he can have a piece of me.

It doesn't have to be perfect... It has to be meaningful.