Therapy

While at the girls home I had therapy daily. We covered every thing from my past. I went through so many depressive states that it was not funny. From my mother and the bad she did. Which is way too horrific to even right about. Just know that that type of trauma causes borderline personality disorder. Which is life long. It is definitely not just a cute fad. It has a lot of highs and lots of lows. It's hard to manage and there's no medicine for it. So it's basically going through a million different emotions back to back for absolutely no reason at all. Reminds me of when my aunt was pregnant in a sense. She was happily eating the food she was craving. Then randomly she just started crying. Not small tearing but onslaught end of the world crying. Conflicted I asked what was wrong. I thought I cooked the food wrong or something. She just shrugged her shoulders and cried harder because she had no idea why she was crying to begin with. After about ten minutes of this crying. She started to laugh so much I thought she lost her mind. Anyway bpd is similar to that. Except we go through the entire spectrum of emotions. Anyway I had to finish my therapy before I finished the program. In order to leave the program successfully. Then the guy that I would've spent my life with died. I loved my then boyfriend eventually turned husband with all of me. However my ex will always own my heart. He was the fairy tale night in shining armor guy. The they don't make them like that anymore guy. His name was Josh. We broke up over the dumbest thing. Anyway. He would go to school and work. I was pretty much living with him. This was before we were taken away. He saved me from a lot of the trauma they was happening at my place. Our first kiss was the one that'll never stop haunting me. We had moved into the apartment complex right across from him. I made a few friends. Then one day our friend Jordan decided to introduce us. We went over for a few card games. Jordan had to leave because his mom called. Josh offered for me to stay behind. I was going to follow Jordan but Josh. He gently pinned me to the wall. My legs felt weak. My head began to spin. My heart was racing. My legs bucked. He caught me and was holding me up. He stared me in my eyes for what felt like forever. Then kissed me very passionately deep. Next thing I knew we were in his bed. We weren't doing much but making out. I fell asleep in his arms. He was just laying there running his finger over one of my scars. That was one of my most talked about moments. The next would be how much I loved it when he snuck inside to surprise me. It wouldn't matter what I was doing. He would pop out of nowhere and tickle me while holding me up from behind. Then he would pop me on the counter and play with my hair. Then he would help me find the chores. Then he would cook for me and we would cuddle and watch TV together while enjoying dinner. He was an amazing cook. I remember once. I was washing dishes. He got home early from work. He snuck in and started to tickle me. I had the sink water hose in my hands. I ended up soaking him, the floor and counters. His father wanted to kill us both. Please know he was only 3 years older than me. He worked to help his dad. We would also talk about how he refused to have s*x with me. He wanted to wait until we were married. Which only made me love him more. I could lay in bed completely naked. He would just tuck me in to his blanket, get himself another blanket and go to bed holding me. Then he died. I couldn't stop crying. Like non stop for almost a month. I could be having a good time and bam tears. I could be asleep and still be crying. No matter what I did. I just couldn't get my eyes to stop leaking. Then when I was able to leave. We had to address and prepare me for everything with my family. First we focused on my mother. Who told us I was imagining everything. Except I have scars to prove it. Most are pretty faded now but they are there. Like when we moved into town. We moved into a motel. She was a exotic dancer. I would babysit my siblings. There was a neighbor who would come and check on us every once in a while . One day for no reason. I was sent down to his door. Mom had me take down some brownies. Told me to newish and keep him company. So I did. Not even twenty minutes in. He was standing over me. I tried to pull away but he refused. He wedged his legs between mine. I screamed for help but no one came. He touched at first. Then he was going to try and put it in when someone knocked. I used the opportunity to run out the door. There was no one out there and I did not care. I took off running back to our apartment. I told my mother what happen. She said stop lying he's a very nice man. It's rude to make up stories like that. Then there was the time she brought home tricks and she swears they drugged her. So she had no idea they went into my room to have their way. Not to mention how I would have to go get her in the early morning because she was too drunk. By that time I had a good friend who moved in upstairs. They were Korean and really sweet. She was a year older than me. She would come down to watch my siblings so I could get my mom. At this time me and mom wasn't really getting along. I was not rude or disrespectful. I was just really hurt that she didn't believe me. Now I'm older and I'm pretty sure she knew even vent it happen but I can't prove it. It's whatever. It happen let's move on. We addressed how my hard feelings about her was really creating problems in my daily life. How she needs therapy herself and parenting classes. Then my therapist started grilling her about my extended family. To ensure it was stable enough for me to go there. Then offered my mother the chance to take me home on weekends while I was there. Now that she was no longer in drugs or drinking. She had my siblings living with her. At first I agreed because I missed my siblings. Plus my Bd was living with her. The program offered to let her keep me until I left. She refused. She said if she wanted me I wouldn't be moving with family. We were having problems. I'm pretty sure my Bd was messing with my mom. Along with a lot of my friends and family. I knew about some of them. I just no longer care. I didn't openly say it to him. Instead I asked him to stop doing drugs and drinking. He promised he would buy instead he began lying to me. Getting into huge fights with me and blaming me. So we decided to take it slow.