This is too much

It's been nearly five months since I gave birth. I was still breast feeding. My period still hasn't arrived. So I went in to see the doctor. Who told me I was pregnant. Confused because I was on birth control. I rearranged the place accordingly. So my baby could be out and about without me having to worry. My bd was starting to come home later and later. He was getting more and more aggressive and abusive. I believe started using drugs but I was too scared to ask. It came to a point where I felt safer when he was gone. I finally told him I was pregnant again. He told me to get an abortion. I'm against having abortions. I'm not saying they are wrong for everyone. I'm saying it's wrong for me. We started fighting even more. So much so that neighbors were calling the police to do wellness checks. Then my doctor called and told me I'm we needed to be treated again. Which forced me to accept that things will never get better between us. I confronted him about him being on drugs, always drinking, cheating and a few other things. He lost control and out of fear I stood my ground. Not for myself but my babies. He had crossed lines of safety way too many times. Especially this fight. The guy I fell in love with and the guy he is are complete strangers sharing one face. I knew and was preparing myself. I needed to be ready to break it off with him. Then one day he went too far. He was drunk and crossed that line and put my unborn at risk. So I made him leave. He sped off and I went to the hospital. My water broke and I was now classified as high risk. No matter what they did my baby refused to let up. I swear it was like he was intentionally crawling out. Maybe there's a ladder in there for the ones that refuse to wait. I mean they put me in this sling that elevated my bottom and he was still coming. Doctor had to work fast. Since we couldn't stop the labor. However because he was so tiny. I was not able to push him out. He was born at 3 Ibs 2 ounces. He was medvac to the children's hospital. After I was done giving birth and was in my room. The police came and started asking questions about how my water broke. Why I had bruises on my body. I told them I fell and the way I landed broke my water. Which was kinda true. I left a big amount out but that's ok. He was no longer a risk to us. So I just kept silent about it. Me and my oldest flew to be with him for free. As medical helped pay my way to and from. At first I stayed with family in the area. Which proved to be problematic. As everything even jokes were turned into me trying to start problems. Like me saying ppl here drive so crazy. Maybe you could teach me those reflexes. All of a sudden I was being scolded because I was ungrateful for the ride and called my cousin a dangerous driver. Then the complaints of my coming and going. So I ended up calling my friend Trace. I'm sure you remember from the earlier chapter. She allowed me and baby to stay for a few nights. Then I jumped to another friend's place. I did that a few times. As I had a baby and couldn't stay at the hospital in nicu. Then the hospital told me about the Ronald McDonald house. So we stayed there for the max amount of time. Which was perfect because it met all our needs. Food, clothes, shelter, hygiene, diapers, all of it was met there. After he was finally released. I decided to leave him with my mom. She was great with babies that needed medical care like him. I was terrified I would kill him just trying to touch him. He was still very tiny and very weak. He had tubes and cords everywhere. So she took him and got him all chunky and healthy. He came back after a while and we were trying to work it out but I was already moving on. My feelings for him hasn't died but I was having a hard time trusting him. One day a mutual who would come over to hang with him after work. He shows up but my bd wasn't there yet. Bad things happened. I was blamed for it. Which in retrospect was my fault. Realistically... I thought he was coming home and was running a little late because be had to stop to go bathroom or stay a little after to clean his work area. I figured he wouldn't be far away. Anyway some my bd wasn't home I never should've let him in. He said it would be quick. I never questioned it. I opened it door. I quickly regretted it. Then bd blamed me. Thankfully my son was asleep. My bd and me got into a huge fight. We broke it off. As by the time be got home it was at least midnight. I found out he was at a strip club with private rooms. Then it dawned on me. All those intimate moments. Where he was flipping through magazines or pausing and replaying xxx scenes. While doing me and all that. How I was no longer a turn on because while being pregnant I was (fat) which made it worse. All those time I asked but he was too drunk or tired. The fact that I keep having us both treated for sti. All of it was begining to make sense. That night we had a fight that no one can come back from. He basically said I was asking for it. I deserved it. That hurt like he'll. It still does bother me but it is what it is. This time he left and I told him he cannot come back. As he sped off to leave. I felt broken. I had my mom come get my son. I went on a alcoholic bender. My son came home but was quickly sent back. Mainly because I was broken and couldn't have him here with me. The fear of hurting him. Eventually the neighbor turned me in about the drinking and social services stepped in. They didn't take my son but made me take some classes and attend therapy. Which I agreed to. My son was placed with my mom for a while. Then social services told me if I don't release my property for low income they would have me arrested for fraud. Since my kids were not living with us. Even if it was only temporary. Then on the day of the family meeting. I had just gotten out of surgery and they did a final meeting. So I went knowing I was risking everything. They closer my case and my son came back. Then I moved in with my mom at get husbands family house. They turned the attic into a huge room for me and my two boys. Though my middle son rarely can't into my room. He would always spend a lot of time with me end his brother.