Hostile environment

At first it was smooth sailing. I got a job at a gas station as their cook. My boys were in preschool. My son and I were on the road off healing together. I refuse to go back on because of the words my baby boy said to me upon my return. As I've said in an earlier chapter I returned with JD. Those heart breaking vibe chilling words that still haunt me today. Even though he's grown and on his own. If I even think of relapsing I remember the day I returned from my bender. The way he looked at me. The words he said. "Just leave, go back to your friends, go drink and do drugs, you love it there more than you love me. So just go, leave. I don't care" my baby my world my everything. (To reference we are at the chapter of birthday sadness.) He said that to me and it broke me. Anyway back to what I was saying. I moved with my mom and was pregnant. I was still with JD but he stayed with his dad. Then I found out the truth. I was his long term temporary. I was so in love with the thought of him and the belief of love. I never took the time to brace myself for any reality. He would come around a lot. Stay for days then leave. My sister started in the dating scene and I was fixated in fixing my relationship with my son. Had I paid more attention around me maybe I could've avoided what happen. I still don't know how or why these thing happened. Anyway after nearly 5 months of pregnancy. My mom invited me and JD into the room to smoke some ganja with her. He took a few got hits off the bong. It was done really good stuff. I mean by the time it set in. He was slow laughing and slowly falling off the bed face first kinda good. Then my sister entered the room and hid behind my mom. Which was how I quickly lost my high. I didn't get along with my sister but I will protect her with everything in me always. We are sisters we fight it's normal. Some things were said. Jd was still very oblivious to what was going down and was still laughing to his hearts content. She asked him what it was that he had been holding over her head. Why he was constantly using it to blackmail her. What happen the night of the dance? Apparently he brought her home completely drunk but she doesn't remember what happen. Though I suspect something a little more sinister I won't openly say it. As I do not want to know since I was already with him and carrying his child. So I quietly sat there listening. Except whatever they said to each other. I heard none of it. Not sure if it's because I really didn't hear or my mind was protecting me. Either way all I remember was him getting smacked right across his face. Stunned I didn't know what to do or say. I watched him get up and he left. My sister watched me for a moment. I was shocked but honestly have no clue as to why I felt kinda at ease from watching him get smacked. I did however go outside and by the time I got out there. He had already sped off. By the next day he was with a new girl. We will call her dee. I found out that she was always with him. She was away at college. All kinds of emotions were playing out. Then he was still coming over for a while. During the last trimester things got a bit shakey. I knew what we're doing was wrong and she deserved better. So I stopped allowing it. Life got complicated. Me and my boys ended up spending most of our time torture in the room. Since my step dad was a douche of enormous amounts. Charging me for everything and blaming me. I ended up only leaving my room to help clean, cook, help take care my siblings. The amount of dislike was clear. Even the atmosphere and vibes of the house were clear as day. We steered clear of him because of it. I was 9 months and 3 weeks pregnant now. Up until I got into a huge fight with my sister. My step father ended up holding me in place while she was hitting, punching, kicking my stomach. I wasn't able to protect my baby because he refused to let me go until she was done hitting me. That night I called jd and he took me to eat. He brought me food and drinks and we sat there at a look out while I ate. Now normally I don't sleep right after I eat but this time I felt like I was asleep deprived. When I woke back up there was blood everywhere. So I went home got cleaned up and went to the hospital. (I had to take my babies back because I can't watch them and be hospitalized) They told me it should be fine. Then I went into labor. I had her that day. The epidural I had didn't take effect until after she was born. I couldn't walk for days. Also she was a girl. In the beginning of my pregnancy they told me it was another boy. Surprise surprise it's a girl. My good friend we will call her noe. She has just given birth to her daughter as well. We were right next to each other. So my ob was coming and going because he was delivering two babies at once. I got to see her baby and she got to hold mine. It was amazingly beautiful moment shared by me and her. When I was released the threats started. I ended back with hubby/bd. Jd would call threatening that if I told anyone she was his he would kill us all. Or tell me if his family finds out I have his baby they'll take her away and I'll never see her again. That if I'm not careful he will burn down the family house with us locked in it. He's gone as far as to tell me he would cut my brake lines so I crash and die. So I did what went reasonably scared women without a brain would do. I went back with bd. My boys father. Yes I know shake my head. It made me feel safer. Things calmed down a bit while it lasted. Then he started lying and cheating more openly. His aggressive outbursts were coming back. He even went as far as to introduce me to the women he was currently cheating on me with. Telling me they were friends and he worked for them to help them out. Except he was using my sister to attract these women. So I knew who they were without any of them telling me. We began fighting like cats and dogs. It got really bad. So we ended up only being friends with benefits. Not a lot of benefits though. If you know what I mean. Not that he was bad. I just don't like pencils and well my heart was no longer in it.