Plaguing Desire

That's all there is to it. Mother and I finally had the talk about what really happened to Father that same afternoon. Not much information is new. The fact of how he passed during one of his travels is what she shared. It is said that the ship they've been in suffered tremendously during a particularly strong storm while he and his crew are at sea. The violent gusts of winds may be extremely difficult to take on but it's manageable. It's the raging waves that delivered them to their demise. That being said, no bodies were recovered as they were all devoured by the depths of the ocean. I now get why Mother withholds this information from me. At a young age, this may haunt me to no end but not now. It does hurt. However, there's nothing else I can do but accept it and move on. I admire him even more that he passed with a free spirit.

          "Thank you, Mother." I figure that sharing Father's last moments takes a toll on her.

          "I just hope, Vatic, that you'll love him all the same. I hope you understand why he couldn't meet you, meet his beloved child." Mother is fighting her tears not to flood out of her eyes.

          "I get it now." I hug her, hoping that all her sorrows will wash away with my love for her and for Father.

          "There's one more thing you need to know." Her tone shifts to something more serious and calculated. I sit back down to listen intently to whatever it is she wishes to tell. "Everything in me wants to hold me back from telling you this but I know you'll learn about it sooner or later. It's better to hear it from me than… however else." She massages the back of her neck to ease the tension that obviously is building up.

          "What is it, Mother?" I ask. The same tension plagues me, starting from my palms and spreading to the rest of my body.

          "The reason why we left town isn't really about the townspeople's actions toward us." Her voice breaks, and another wave of tears is about to come.

          "What do you mean?" My eyes narrow. If their hatred isn't the reason why they burned us out and forced us to leave, then what?

          "A plague." A muscle from her jaw ticks as if regretting telling me the information. "That night, a horrifying sickness spreads throughout town and they blamed us for it hence, their unspeakable actions toward us forcing us to live here. In a way, they let us distance ourselves from the source of the plague which is themselves."

          The air thins, making it hard to breathe. I feel a little lightheaded. My peripheral blurs as my focus is now dead set on Mother, trying to make anything out of this information she's revealing. Plague? Horrifying sickness? How did that happen? If there was a plague, I wonder if it still lingers in town. Surely there are survivors. It's been years since we left. There should still be settlers in there. I had friends there –more like acquaintances. I may have forgotten their names but I still remember some of their faces vividly. The paper boy who always gives me candy when he sees me in the streets, the milkman who handed me his hat one rainy day and told me I could keep it, and that beautiful red-headed woman who always renders me the most genuine smile. Mother holds my hand to ease my trembling.

          "I now understand why you don't want me to go out there all these years." Blankly staring at the distance, my vision starts to become more blurry as tears threaten to pour. "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused."

          "That's quite alright, my child." She says, tightening her hold on me tenderly. "I can understand your sentiments."

          Despite all this information, the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet still itch to go out there. My subconscious tells me I should not due to the dangers that lurk throughout town or the entire island but my desires seem to not be unwavering. I have to see what the island has become with my own two eyes. If what Mother says is true that she's letting me go out there, why the tone of this conversation is tugging differently? Is she hoping that my fears cloud my judgment and ultimately change my mind and just decide to stay here like she always wants? Mother may see through me but I can also see through her. Maturity comes with its perks after all.

          "I have to go see it for myself." I blurt out, sounding a little more like a suggestion and not a statement.

          "What? Didn't you hear what I just told you?" Her tone sharpens ever so slightly. My suspicions about her true objective are slowly but surely coming to light. "You mustn't. What if the plague gets to you? What then?"

          "You're not sick and you're out for Harvest every other month, Mother." I point out, sharpening my tone to match hers.

          "That's different!" Her voice raises, standing up to further prove where she stands on the matter. "Alongside foraging for food and materials, I'm also conducting a research on how to counter the plague. Once I've found that breakthrough, we can freely go back out there."

          "But, how about the townspeople? How are they coping while you're doing this research of yours? Are we just fine sitting safe here while they suffer and wait until their curtains draw?" I stand up as well. I'm a head taller than her so she's now looking up at me to not break the piercing eye contact we're holding.

          She looks away, sighing deeply. "No one's out there anymore, Vatic." She says almost like a whisper but I hear it all so clearly, my throat ties tightly into a knot. "It's been years since I saw someone out there. If they didn't succumb to the plague, they probably took themselves to the seas and settled elsewhere. There's no one left in Hiraya. Not a single soul."

          My limbs give out. I fall straight back to my chair, cupping my hands to my face as I feel the weight of the revelation eats me up and chew me into a million pieces. I tremble where I sit as if all of my insides are about to explode. A cold breeze brushes to the back of my neck and down to the roots of my spine. Is it why I've not heard anyone for years now? I know the way to this place is extremely dangerous but it isn't impossible. I, as a young kid, got here. Yes, there's Mother by my side but still. Is it really true that we're the only ones left here on the entire island? That can't be. How can I experience Father's tales if there are no other people to interact with? If there's no one to befriend?

          "I won't settle unless I see it for myself, Mother." I rise once more and firmly hold my gaze on her, forming my hands into fists to avert my weakening limbs someplace else.

          "Go then!" She gives up. "If that's what you really want, then go. I won't win with you." Her anger emanates throughout her body.

          "Mother, I–" This isn't how I want to leave her. After all, I'm not going away for good. I'll still come back.

          "Now, please!" She yells, cutting me off.

          "Fine! I'll go." I retort. It's not healthy to talk to someone who's enraged as stated in one of the books I read. Distance is best in times like this. How much distance is what I have to figure out. I storm out heading to my room and fetch anything I can bring with me. Not forgetting about the map of the island and the town. Although I'm leaving in an undesirable circumstance, at least Mother is still offering me my freedom. What else can I do but take it? I've been looking forward to this moment for so long.

          As I walk towards the front door, I still see Mother in the living room drinking her tea and not giving me even a single glance. Then, so be it. If she's mad at me, my feelings are clearly and undeniably mutual. I swing the door shut as I get out. I admit that I don't mean to shut it as hard as I did but it already happened so there's nothing I can do about it. I just winced my embarrassment away. I take the path to the cave's entrance. This time, I don't need any light from the torches as it's still the height of the afternoon. I hear the door gently open and shut from behind me after taking a few paces onward.

          "I will cook your favorite food tonight!" Mother hollers. I stop in my tracks but I don't look back. If I do, I'm sure my feet will make me go back to her. I can feel her love from here. Her undying love for her only child. Despite that heartbreaking exchange we just had, I still love her with all my being but my heart also tells me to do what I desire. I raise my right hand, waving. In that way, I won't leave her hanging. I acknowledge her. I will always acknowledge her until I draw my last breath.

          I've been walking along this dimly lit pathway for quite some time now. Is there any end to this? I just entertain myself by reciting some facts about nature and by allowing myself to be amazed by the intricate rock formations all around me. I think all forms of stalactites and stalagmites are in here. I should go here more often to engross myself in this majestic scenery. This is incredible. After a while of trekking and a little bit of climbing, I can finally see the arching lights of the cave's entrance. Getting to the flat lands, I'm welcomed by a small clearing surrounded by towering rock formations. At first glance, I thought I was still inside the cave but that isn't the case. The cave is on top of a rocky mountain. If I want to go to town, I have to literally climb down from here. How does Mother do it? Such a mystery.

          I start to grab what I think is a stable foot and handholds. "One wrong move and you'll fall. Focus, Vatic!" I remind myself. All I can see are rocks, boulders, some more rocks, and a little bit more boulders. It's as if there's no end to them. "Whoa!" I exclaim as a pile of rocks falls from above me. It's a good thing my hold is firm enough or else I'm already long dead. Some of these rocks are surely capable of impaling me if I fall straight on top of them. Since we're just next to the ocean, it doesn't help that the wind is circling around me more aggressively than I hope. If only I can command the forest like Mother, I've already descended these sharp slopes.

          Eventually, my feet touch the grasslands. However, the town is still thousands of bounds from here according to the map I brought with me. I need to get past this vast forest which has trees almost as tall as the skies but they hold no candle to the King of Trees back at home. They may seem to look more gallant, but the King of Trees aura is ever more splendid. Even as a child, I haven't been here or near this forest. Who knows what wild beasts I'll come across? If my faulty luck allows, I may encounter a hungry family of grizzlies. May the Saints guide me throughout this journey.

          "Come on now, Vatic. You wanted this." I encourage myself. "See this thing through!" I clasp my palms to my cheeks sending a slight pang of pain to my face. I have to shake my worries away, move forward, and let this eerie forest claim me.