Chapter 14

( Maria ☼ ) - ( song for this chapter Everything I ever wanted - billie Eilish )

I couldn't stop my heart from hurting every time I heard Autumn crying. My heart shattered...I felt like an awful human… after everything I got through I couldn't help but act rude…. I felt like I had to protect myself… but was I ?… the danger is over now… I didn't have to protect myself anymore… but after what my family did to me nothing could go back to normal… 

Alex and I kept dating and got along well. He gave me everything I asked for just with a simple "Babe". These simple words with a kiss made me get anything I wished for. Once before Alex was heading home he asked me to go on a date to the beach, I didn't want to go… I tried to explain to him my fear of the ocean but he never listened.... I was pretty anxious and scared, my heart sank to my stomach when I thought of the date tomorrow... I still remember when me and my younger sister Sky were at the beach with our parents… I was only 9 at the time…my sister was 8. Our family didn't have enough money so my childhood was poor and hard. Every time I remember the beach day I feel my heart shattering…. Just if it just happened all over again… Sky was my spoiled little sister, all the money we had were spent on her karate practice and chess lessons. She was always ungrateful and would always force my parents to spend their last savings on her needs without even thinking about me... I loved dancing, especially Ballet. It's like a dream to dance on a stage and feel free like a butterfly….. I just wanted to feel the freedom of my feet on the stage, I wanted to feel every single emotion a ballerina could feel on a stage full of people who were amazed by her beauty and her talent ….. but this was only a dream. My parents could never afford anything for me… it was never me it was always someone else…. If not my sister, my friend… anyone could reach their dreams but not me… I started crying. The emotions of my dreams getting crushed hits me…. My heart felt broken as my breath gets heavier. I just wanted that day to never exist…. I closed my eyes and then … I tried to sleep, but the whole day was repeated in my head. I saw myself and my family at the beach, and my sister asked my parents If we could have some sibling time… My parents allowed us because nothing was a no to the drama princess… she was an angel… but a demon in my eyes… After my parents agreed for us to walk together, we went far away from our parents… something in my heart felt wrong…. Something felt unsafe and scary… we talked for a few minutes, and everything seemed normal…. Until we went too far…. I told Sky that I wanted to go back to our parents. She didn't care and as her older sister, I had to follow her. Both of us went closer to the ocean, I was afraid of the unknown…. Of the dark deep sea… and of feeling helpless and afraid….something even more terrifying is that we know more about what is in the sky than what is under the ocean…. The sea is a dark and deep place, there are things we still haven't discovered about it…. All those thoughts kept me distracted… I didn't notice how close I was to the sea… suddenly I felt a light jolt as I fell to the ocean… it hurted more that it was my sister that pushed me…. A sharp pain stabbed my heart…. And the anxiety killed me… I couldn't swim and Sky knew it well…. But she wanted to fully get rid of me… the last thing I saw was her face with a smirk… I started drowning in the deep sea…my chest became heavier and heavier and then… I blacked out… the moment I woke up I started coughing… an unknown man saved me… 

I coughed and coughed for a few minutes. The strange man asked me where are my parents… something inside of me knew that I would get yelled at… but I knew where my parents were. The man carried me to my parents because I was too weak to walk, I was still coughing and trying to catch my breath…. The man started talking to my parents about how they had to take better care of me and that I could die…. Both my parents nodded and thanked the man for saving my life. When we was on our way home I tried to explain what my sister did…. But it was all my fault… it's always me… I'm always the annoying one …. The troublemaker … I'm the evil one… When we went home I got locked up in my room for lying…. I didn't lie…. But it was always my fault…. I cried and cried that night….. Why me? Why not someone else?….of course, it was always me…

That day I promised myself to never cry again… I would never cry again…. Even if it means that I would hurt people around me… I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare….. no tears… no pain… no betrayed… Maybe, after all, that happened I have a very small memory about my childhood… but after all this suffering I met Lucas…. I wish I was fully healed before I met him… he protected my heart but I got used to getting hurt or betrayed…. Maybe I was scared to get hurt again…. It was my fault… like always ..Nothing's new… Me and Lucas broke up and nothing could change that… even that I wished… for a last hug… a last goodbye…. But I can't change it… I destroyed him… my heart started beating out of my chest…. I started crying… I know Autumn heard me but was scared to comfort me after what I did…. I heard Autumn crying after some moments… the guilt ate me alive… my heart ached. Why was I so awful?… And what have I done to poor Autumn… He started trusting me…. He did…But I broke him just like I did with Lucas… I heard Autumn cry every night I locked him in his room,and all was because of me …. But I had to… in order to get money and buy him what he needed…. Many voices were in my head that night. The voices were loud and scary… they told me how awful a person I was…. And how everything was my fault… I cried and cried and cried that night…. Too many memories, too many emotions, and too many tears… this night reminded me of when I was a child and in Autumn's place. Yes, I had been to Autumn's place before… I was locked in my room… just because I was a " liar " … I wasn't lying but my sister was …. And just because she is younger meant that she was the victim…

 After hours of hearing Autumn cry he finally slept… I felt so guilty… my heart was shattered but I couldn't change anything… I laid in the bed and stared at the ceiling…. After a couple of minutes, I fell asleep… 

The next day I woke up and felt the anxiety feeling my body…. I got up and the sun was shining on my face from the window next to my bed. It felt like a sign that everything should be okay, I got ready for the day. I knew this day was going to be long and hard for me. I did a couple of stretches and saw that Autumn cooked me breakfast . He made pancakes for me because he wanted to cheer me up, sweet I thought. When I entered the kitchen I heard Autumn mumbling " Good morning Mom…" he said as he sighed and sat at the table, his eyes were red and filled with tears. I sighed as I put the plate of pancakes in front of him. He gave me a half smile. I sat down on the other side of the table. I sighed. " Are you okay?" I asked, Autumn nodded "Yes" as he started eating. After that, both of us sat at the table in silence. I wanted to talk to him so badly…. I wanted to apologise so badly… I wanted to hug him closer to my embrace and keep him safe…. But I was the danger… 

When we were done eating I got back to my room and put some makeup on, it's not that I didn't feel pretty it's was just that I had these bad thoughts about myself…. I was ugly in my opinion. On the other hand, Sally never had makeup on and she looked pretty…. I was really jealous of her. How can someone be pretty without makeup?… and how is she so loved and respected by all the teachers and students…. And especially her friends… not just any friend… but she was respected by Lucas… I'm still jealous…I still wanted Lucas …just if I was more pretty … just if I was more kind, just if I wasn't myself…. Just if I was better…. Maybe then I could have him.

Here's the text rewritten word by word:

After a while, Autumn's voice cut my thoughts, he said in a scared voice: "Mom… We-we need to go to daycare… We-we are late." His voice was shaky and scared. I could tell that he was holding back his tears, but how long could this child handle the pain? After all I had done, he was still fighting back his tears. I smiled at him as we walked together to the car. This day didn't feel great; this day was the day for the project Sally and I had to work on. I feared Sally hadn't done the project. I dropped Autumn at daycare and waved goodbye as he gave me a weak smile. I then drove to my school.

When I arrived, I saw Lucas. I knew this was the day he would be out of the mental hospital. I saw him hugging Sally, and it made me really jealous. Then I saw Alex; he had the same grin as always. I felt like an object when I was with Alex. I missed feeling like a person. I missed the way Lucas treated me. As I stared at Lucas and Sally, Alex's voice cut me off guard: "Well, my princess, are you ready for the beach after school?" He was one inch away from me; I could feel his breath on my head. "Not really," I said with an unsure voice and stepped back. He held my jaw as he said angrily, "I'm not paying you to disobey me! I'm paying you to do what I say! So you're going to listen to me... got it? So my princess, are you ready for a day on the beach?!" I was unsure how to answer, but I decided to tell him about my trauma, hoping he would understand. "Look, when I was younger, my little sister pushed me into the ocean at the beach. And I didn't know how to swim, so-" Before I could continue, Alex interrupted me with a giggle and said, "You're so silly." Did he just make fun of my feelings? Tears welled up in my eyes, but I didn't want to seem weak in front of Alex. I started snapping my fingers, something I did when I felt sad or anxious.

I nodded. We walked into the class. History was the only class where Lucas, Sally, Alex, and I were together. I had a feeling something was going to happen in this class. Lucas and I couldn't stand each other anymore, and I knew how much he hated me now, even though I didn't hate him. The teacher started asking who did the project. Sally raised her hand and stood up with Lucas. I was shocked to see Lucas by her side, and she didn't even call me to introduce the project to the class. Then it hit me: my name wasn't even on the project; it was Lucas and Sally's!

I felt betrayed and ashamed because I had to explain to the teacher why I didn't do the project with Sally. Sally was a peaceful girl and wouldn't do something like that, so I knew this was Lucas's way of getting revenge on me. After their presentation, it was my turn to present, but I hadn't done my project, so I couldn't present. I grew more and more afraid when the teacher asked, "Well, Maria, what happened? Why didn't you do your project with Sally?" I stayed silent, looking at the floor. The teacher kept staring at me the whole lesson. I knew she knew what I had done to Sally, and now I was the one feeling stressed.

Nothing special happened that school day, only that I didn't see Lucas or Alex during break time.

After school, it was time for the beach date with Alex, a time I didn't want to come. I snapped my fingers the whole way in the car; only Lucas knew that meant I was anxious. We finally arrived at the beach, and the whole incident replayed in my mind. It was the pink hour at the beach. I sat quietly on the beach as Alex sat next to me and said, "Are you ready to swim? I brought you a bikini that will suit your sweet body." After he said that, I felt anxious because I knew whatever bikini it was, it would be too inappropriate. "Thanks, babe, but I don't know how to swim. Sorry," I said, snapping my fingers harder than before until they hurt.

He laughed at me and said, "Don't worry, honey, I won't let you drown." He said with a smirk as he leaned closer to my neck. I moved away but didn't notice that I was too close to the sea. I fell into the shallow water. I stood up immediately, heart racing, as I looked at Alex, who giggled at me. He didn't seem guilty at all, instead looking happy that I fell. "Chill, I didn't make you drown like your sibling did." I ran off crying until I got home. I cried nonstop that day.

Naya♤