Sudden.
Genesis
I tried texting Caesar everyday after he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling.
A total waste of time for sure.
Phone chat.
December 28th
6:40pm
Caesar
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Caesar
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Yo, I know your ass is reading my texts.
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6:50pm
Nigga I'm mad at you, not vice versa.
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8:50pm
You're childish
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December 29th
05:00am
Hey fool.
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08:57am
Hi
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I'm not coming over there. Text me back now.
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1:50pm
Bitch!
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I hate you.
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7:18pm
If you're gonna ignore me, you might as well stop reading my texts fool.
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…………
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January 1st 2009
00:02am
Happy new year fool.
Happy new year.
Well look who finally came around. How are you?!
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Bitch.
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Whatever, I'm done caring.
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10:45am
Suck my dick.
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January 2nd
Hi
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January 3rd
7:40am
Hi
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10:34am
Hey
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5:16pm
Hi
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8:29pm
Hi
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9:46pm
Hey, can we please talk.
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10:30pm
I'm on house arrest. I talked back and maybe cussed my mum out .she was so mad.
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11:00pm
Hey stupid.
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January 7th
Hi
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January 10th
7:34am
I feel sad .
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6:00pm
I thought that would get your attention.
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Fuck you bro.
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January 13th
6:12am
Bitch ass.
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January 14th
2:54pm
See you at school tomorrow. Imma beat you up for ignoring me all winter break .
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7:30pm
I like you.
I want you to be my girlfriend .
Message deleted
7:35pm
Boy resend that message now, you know I hate when you do that.
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Agh!
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I don't know just how heavy whatever his hiding from me is.
Winter break was over and it was a new year
Senior year! I wasn't as excited as everyone was, I was just relieved to finally get school over with.
It was the year of events, graduation, prom, trips etc
I wasn't for no group ventures, I wasn't planning to go nowhere.
I was only going for graduation and that's all about it.
Caesar
I wasn't going to go to school today, but my dad was home and his ass is strict as hell.
I know she pretending not to have seen my text. I know she did, she probably laughed at me, like some joke.
As I walked down to my locker, I hoped not to meet her. I actually wished I could just disappear.
All this was all hella embarrassing.
"Hey. " Genesis greeted me as she popped up from the crowded hallway.
At first I was quiet. Studying the situation.
Her arms were folded, a sign that she was mad at me.
She had this serious face on too.
"Hi. " I replied hoping she'd leave me alone for once.
"Mr Stash called in sick. His our first period. Most people in class have dodged class for a bit. The class is practically empty. " she told me.
I stood quiet again.
"You and I need to talk, now. " she said meaning it.
We sat together in the quarter filled class. I wanted to tell her.
I should tell her, I thought to myself.
If she saw my text, I might as well play nice hoping she'll fall for me too.
That won't happen if I keep ignoring her.
Genesis
Caesar was sitting in a chair, facing me and I facing him. He didn't say anything yet and I was trying to read his face.
He looked like he was Coming up with a story to tell me so that I could finally shut up about it.
I don't know why his never vulnerable around me, my cry baby ass always tells him my shit.
His seen me cry more than my mum has.
"Uhm. "He said then cleared his throat to speak. "Firstly I'm sorry about winter break. " he apologized.
"What happened that day Caesar? " I asked impatiently.
After a breathe he finally spoke out. "I was upset about my mum. " he told me.
"What about her? " I asked. That was the first time he ever mentioned her in four whole years and I've known him for four years.
"She's in jail. She's in jail and has been in jail for something I suspect my father did, not her. " he answered.
"What? " I asked.
"Money laundering. " he answered with no hesitation.
I was so happy that he told me this. I could smile but this wasn't the moment.
Then I froze for a second, he could be lying to me.
"Are you saying the truth Caesar? I'm not in for the lies. " I told him.
"I'm not lying. And I'm sorry I ignored your texts. " he added.
"What was in the deleted text you sent me. Be honest. " I pressed.
He just laughed and told me not to worry about it.
I was worried fool, that's why I asked. I hate suspense.
Anyway. Like the mature person I am, I let it go.
Genesis.
Today afternoon was freshman welcome day. An excuse of a day. School was going to end three hours sooner.
Those who gave a shit would have things prepared, cheer leaders, scouts etc.
It was a space to find girlfriends for most guys.
I was a nothing at this school, meaning I had to chaperone three freshmen.
"This will be your class. " I said to the three freshmen I was chaperoning.
I didn't even get there names cause that's how uninterested I was. I just read what was on the card I was given by my class teacher. I showed them everything I thought necessary too, I wasn't gon spend hours showing them every part of the school.
"Hey is that like burns? " the only girl among the trio asked as we stood in front of the library.
"I was just about to ask too. " one of the boys said quickly as though he'd be awarded a trophy for asking as well.
"Its Vitiligo. " I answered,knowing all too well they didn't know shit about it.
Before the girl could say anything I led the group into the library. This meant no talking.... For them.
"Do people pick on you? " the other boy asked when we got out of the library.
One look at him and I could tell that he'll be as much of a loser as I am. He looked dusty and a little stupid too.
"Why the assumption? " I asked.
"Do you have a boyfriend? " the girl asked.
This kid. I thought to myself. She was clearly one of them popular kids in middle school. Well I didn't give a shit. This wasn't her middle school.
"I'm a Chaperone, not an unnecessary question booth. " I answered rudely.
As we walked I heard something I wish I didn't. The trio was whispering about how they'd never date. I wasn't supposed to get offended cause I wouldn't want to date the dusty looking one. I wasn't homosexual either and the other boy was clearly as stupid as the dusty one.
And I wouldn't date me either.
"Yah I'm done. " I said looking at them as they rushed to catch up from their lagging.
"But we haven't even... " I cut the bitch before she could annoy me more.
"I'm done, you're not but I am." I said that and took my name tag off. "Bye. " I added to say and left them standing lost.
I was angry. Angry that I cared.... Angry that I'd die alone probably... Angry that I hated myself.
I need the therapy not my mum.
I need the acceptance and I need to know how to progress with this shit.
New York wasn't like DC, especially not in this small town.
I wasn't happy really but I could be worse.
Caesar
I was signing a bunch of freshmen for their extra curricular activities. I always hated freshman welcome day. It was busy for nothing and so involving.
I was always tired before It even begin.
Sophomore year and junior year I was a chaperone. Senior year, I'm at the bar for extra curricular activities.
When I was on my self imposed break, I noticed Genesis leaving school. She looked mad as hell and had her bag and jacket.
In the middle of this stare at Genesis I noticed her body structure.
She was straight everywhere just some years ago.
She wasn't thick, but she wasn't skinny either.
She was wearing a baby pink denim skirt which was high up her thighs.
She was also wearing a short sleeved top hugging her body, complimenting her tiny waist.
She never really dressed up like this, I thought to myself.
She said the stares added up when she did.
I wonder if anything is wrong with her.
Genesis
Before I knew it I had stuck print outs of Winnie Harlow on my walls.
My mum had a printer in one of the spare bedrooms. It was a no touch object but I touched it anyway.
Seeing pictures of Winnie on the wall as I laid on my rag gave me some peace.
Seeing her smiling so much in almost every picture made me happy..... Ish.
I loved her courage and her whole self. She was so free.
I hated myself yet we have the same condition. She seemed to love herself so much.
I wondered if people look at her differently.
I wondered if she's found love.
I wish I had the courage to stand in front of a camera, smiling, happy.
I never took pictures. Not even with my family, not even selfies.
I barely looked in the mirror, I always just trusted whatever.
"Baby you're home? " I heard my mum say before she knocked on my door.
"Yah. " I said barely, feeling my throat getting congested and my eyes tearing up.
"Hey what's all this. Whose pictures are on the wall? " my mum said the minute she noticed the print outs on the wall.
I sat up and said nothing. Till my mum looked at me.
"Its Winnie Harlow. " I answered and immediately broke down to tears.
My mum rushed over to me in no time. She just hugged me real tight and didn't say anything.
I felt her tears on my back. I guess her therapy wasn't working so good.
From the time I got diagnosed, my mum has always cried with me each time something bad happened.
I hated this moment. It brought back old memories.
2005
"I don't even know why you would talk about me like that. " Kelly said to me as I stood in the middle of an ambush of angry girls.
Kelly had broken up with me. I said a few things to myself in the locker room and someone heard me.
I was fucked for sure.
The girls were shouting, cussing at me, obviously saying everything they knew would hurt me.
Kelly raised her fist for silence before she added on to the humiliation. "Girl you're ugly... You're not worth any social media page. "
I still just stood there, holding my tears back.
All the girls were cheering every comment Kelly through at me.
I posted my first ever picture on Instagram, which I wasn't even proud of.
"Leave these things to us sweetheart. " Kelly continued.
I agreed with her in my head. I knew I wasn't cut for pictures.
Before Kelly spoke again, I had tears running down my face and my fist in her face too.
I beat that bitch up good and everyone else that tried to fight me.
That was the day I snapped. Not only the beating down of Kelly Georges but also the burning of possessions.
In thirty minutes I had gathered all the boys sports jerseys in a pile.
I had Kelly and her friends lockers unpacked and on my big pile.
I got anything that this motherfuckers seemed close to. I did this during classes, I had a pass and a hint of crazy too.
I found gas for the school generator sets and I had match sticks from home for some reason.
I set the pile on fire, I set the whole school on fire practically.
Standing, watching the fire like a creep as the fire was spreading from room to room.
Kids were finally using the drill preparation skills.
I wanted to die that day.... Burn.
I wanted Benji to burn too, Kelly, Peters, Marcel, Justin, Martin, Leila, Sam, Fred.... God the whole of my class really.
Sadly I was saved by the principal.
I was supposed to go for therapy but my mum's job offer saved me.
I had a felony too.
Not so bad.
That was one hell of an exit.