Chapter Four

'AYANDA'S HOUSE'

(COCKTAIL PARTY)

The house was well decorated. Ayanda's house was so big and beautiful. A big hand to her and whoever organized and set up the cocktail party. The rooms had several tables at perfect spots with different cocktails and labelled descriptions. The lights were dimmed, the rooms were lit by LED lights that changed color after thirty minutes. Other than the well set up rooms, the guests dressed to the occasion. Everything fell into place. I had on a white long sleeved strap top, jeans and white open toe heels. Being that Ayanda left me to talk to "clients" or whatever, I walked around with my empty glass ready to leave.

"Hi." I heard a random voice say. I was the only one at that table so I knew the hi would only be directed to me. A conversation was the last thing I needed right now. When I looked up it was a man...... he looked twenty five. He wasn't attractive..... not at all. Sorry to say.

"Hi." I replied to be polite.

This man was boring but I stayed to listen. I had nothing better to do anyway. The party was full of unnecessary approaches. I hated being approached. For someone that wanted more friends, my personality was surely contrary.

"I want to go home!" I told Ayanda, shouting because of the loud music that was playing.

"Have you even tasted the cocktails!" She asked me.

"............... no........ but I'm all alone....... I feel so awkward!" I confessed.

"Okay..... okay.... I'll be with you in a minute!" Ayanda replied leaving me again.

I wondered off by myself again. I just wanted to get drunk honestly. I walked for a while until I found a little bit of privacy. The cocktail jars were still so full so I treated myself. It was cup after cup after cup. I felt the whole room start spinning. I was drunk for sure.

"Hi." I heard a voice greet me so I turned around. Not again.

"Oh my God!......... you're so pretty." I complimented the fine man that was right in front of me.

"Uhm..... thank you, I guess." He replied, lowering his eyebrows. He seemed confused.

"By pretty I mean like....... You're handsome but you have more of like...... do you look like your mum?" I asked in my attempt to clear his confusion.

"Yeah I do." He replied and smiled a little this time.

"Exactly!......... you're so gorgeous, I know you know that already...... I bet you get told that all the time by so many women. God if I had your Face I'd spend my days just looking at myself in the mirror." I told him and chuckled for no real reason. I was so happy.

"Yeah I get compliments from women every now and then ......but I rarely get any from beautiful women like you." He replied.

"Ohhhhh..... beautiful women like me?..... I'm a woman.......everyone here is a woman....... I forget....... I'm twenty and I feel nothing like that....... I don't feel like a girl but like.... Maybe a lady. Woman is something I'd say my mother is. Like I'm a woman but not like that." I told him a little too loudly, barely making any sense.

"I'm Buhle." The man introduced himself after a chuckle.

"Really?........ that name means beautiful." I told him and smiled.

"Yeah it does.... You speak Xhosa?" Buhle asked me.

"Oh no no..... I don't I just happen to know..... I think I had a friend when I was younger ..... I don't know.... Anyway!......I'm Qhamani.....Qhamani Ntuli." I repeated adding my last name, shaking a little to the music.

"You want sit down and talk?" Buhle asked with a smile never leaving his face.

We sat and started talking. I started sobering up in the process which made my conversation with Buhle so awkward for me. Buhle talked a lot though so the conversation wasn't all that bad.

My social anxiety was eating me up and my shyness was creeping in. The fact that I remembered everything I told him while I was drunk made this situation worse.

"You're sober." Buhle pointed out and we both laughed.

"I am........ I'm so embarrassed........ I'm so sorry." I admitted trying not to cover my face in shame.

"You don't have to be sorry...... you made me laugh more than I have lately...... it was a good show." Buhle told me.

Before I could respond we heard a glass clicking. It was Ayanda, she wanted everybody's attention. Buhle and I got up and walked to the crowd.

"I'm not in the mood for a speech." Buhle spoke into the air after a sigh.

"............"

"Okay........ so I'll start by thanking you all for coming........ the turn up was amazing..... and everybody has really contributed to the growth of these cocktails just by being here....uhm...... the rest will be said by the owner of the cocktail menu himself...... Buhle Lukhule!" Ayanda spoke into the microphone, after which the guests gave her a round of applause. Buhle went up to make his speech. That just made him hotter honestly. I had no idea that he was owner of this whole party. As he made his speech I admired him in the great lighting. I didn't show it though, I kept my face straight the whole time. I liked Buhle's body...... his outfit..... his smile and whole face. I had that tingling feeling stirring up in my body.

After the speech, the party was over and most people were on there way. I wanted to go too but I had to see Ayanda first. I looked everywhere for her but I couldn't find her.

"Looking for me?" Buhle popped up and assumed humorously.

"We'll no," I laughed, " I'm looking for Ayanda..... I can't find her so I'll probably just go." I told him.

"Okay.......... Uhm, before you leave....... I want to talk to you after this..... a text or call maybe." Buhle told me.

As much as Buhle was gorgeous, I was in no mood for chats after this party. I wasn't in the right place. So I handed him my phone. The power of a call or text was on my hands.

"Oh it's like that?" Buhle questioned and took my phone putting in his number.

"It's nothing deep."

I said that knowing all too well that it was deep. I wasn't going to text him..... not tonight not ever. I had the control. I wouldn't have preferred him texting me and getting no reply.

"Thank you." I told Buhle after he handed me my phone back.

After ten minutes of chatting, I finally told Buhle that I had to leave and I did. When I left all I could think about was the bath I was going to have. I was exhausted and I felt so dirty.

'TWO WEEKS LATER'

(WAREHOUSE)

"Hey you." I greeted Sindiswa but got no answer. I didn't expect one because she was on a mild sedation. She talked too much last time.

"You had a lot to say last time."

Sindiswa was staring at the ground intensely. She looked possessed. I haven't looked at my sister with a lot of focus in a long time and now that I have I realized that I'm prettier than her for sure. I get why she was mad her whole life. No one likes it when their enemies thrive.

"Anyway....... I read some parts of the journal alone..... the unnecessary parts of course...... I skipped everything that didn't involve me and marked every page that did." I told my sister and took her journal out of my purse.

Sindiswa was almost always in the same outfit. I think she liked it or something. It was the T-shirt and leggings she had on the day I had her snatched. She paired T-shirt and the leggings with flip flops I got her a year ago.

"You really like this outfit huh?....... I'll have Luthando burn it..... it's disgusting...... anyway..... dear diary." I read. " Today I told Tumelo, Laura, Bheki and zinhle about Qhamani's condition. I know I shouldn't have but I felt good after doing it.Their reactions made me feel so amazing..... the compliments they gave her on a daily basis made my ears hurt.... She's pretty.... She's so smart..... SO!..... she wets the fucking bed!..... honestly I'd never trade my life for hers cause I can't imagine experiencing such a thing." I finished reading the part I highlighted and put the journal in my purse.

"So even you knew that my condition wasn't easy........ you couldn't even imagine being in my shoes yet you told so many people about it..... and all for what?....... I always wondered why, you know....... People would always start acting different around me......... and you know your friends always treated me like they're own younger sister ........ in a normal scenario that was supposed to make you feel good as my sister....... Other than the distraction you caused with my friends and your friends........ I know you sabotaged my relationship with Joel....... He was stupid enough to tell me about it........ no not stupid..... he was kind enough to be honest with me unlike everybody else that treated me like my condition was airborne or something...... I almost had love and you wrecked that." I told Sindiswa.

"You'll.....never find .....love.." Sindiswa struggled to tell me. "You'll die...... alone...... you're a demon...... no one will.... Ever.... Ever love... you." My sister went on.

"Fuck you..... and I will find love." I told Sindiswa barely believing it.

"I'll find love and you'll be the first one to know all about it." I continued, trying to hold back my tears of frustration.

Sindiswa continued with her negativity. She said it all plainly. It was clear, we loved to hurt each other. This perfect relationship was the most toxic.

I left Sindiswa after she was done with all she had to say. When I left her presence and walked out, I could hear everything she told me ring through my head. It's easy to ignore a comment when you don't believe it but it's hard to get passed it when you do believe it. I agree with Sindiswa..... I don't think I'll ever find a real love that is whole and honest..... a love that includes all my flaws and insecurities.

As I drove home I had a frown on my face, tears and mucus, with my face pink and my veins popping out my forehead. The whole emotion break down package. After I parked my car in my garage I wiped my face off. After an hour smoking session with my rhumba playlist, I took out my purse and walked into the house.

I was received by Siwe who immediately reminded me that it was movie night. I was sad and crushed but I had to be there for my baby girl. I have played pretend my whole life so it was very easy to be happy around Siwe.

Siwe and I were watching an animation today unlike our usual oldies comedies. I don't know how and why Siwe loved the thrill of old movies. As we watched the animation Siwe had a whole lot of commentary at her hands, when the room fell quiet after thirty minutes, I knew she was asleep. I covered her with the blanket we shared and made sure she was sleeping in a comfortable position. Since I knew that Siwe would probably ask me about the ending tomorrow, I had to watch the whole movie. The movie got hard to watch at some point because the main characters fell in love. These were fiction, paper drawn characters and they had a better love life than I did. When the movie was done, I cleared up all the snacks I got out for the movie and took them to the kitchen. When i made sure that both my living room and kitchen were clean, I took Siwe up to her room and tucked her in. After tuck in, I went to my room and took a shower. After my shower, I opened my closet and picked out a fresh set of pajamas and took out a diaper from my diaper box. Nights were depressing but not too match. I was all ready for bed but I couldn't sleep. I kept twisting and turning. I ended up scrolling on my phone, organizing my apps and changing my wallpaper, each picture seeming better than the last. I opened my contact list and noticed Buhle's name, he even saved his contact with a heart. Maybe I should text him. It had been a whole two weeks. Two weeks wasn't that far long was it? I went back and forth with my decision to reach out until I decided to text him. For two minutes I watched my text, my text consisted my name, an apology and a greeting. I waited on a reply like a teenager. It was late, I thought to myself, trying to make myself feel better for not having a reply yet. I put my phone on the empty side of my bed and tried to get some shut eye. When I closed my eyes I heard my phone ring, I rushed to pick it up because I thought it was Buhle but it was Rebecca. I answered her call. Nelisiwe had a fever.

"Baby you're making mummy worried." I told Siwe, who was in my arms, as I patched her down with a wet rag.

I could feel extreme heat coming off Siwe's body, she was crying too which made everything worse. Rebecca was panicking and so was I, I swear I was going to cry. Having a sick child really tests you as a parent.

I called my Doctor, she walked me through things I could try to get Siwe better at home. After giving Siwe a warm bath and giving her some cold water, her body cooled down. I dressed her into her lightest pajamas and carried her to my room. She was sleeping with me tonight. When I put Siwe down to sleep, I realized just how puffed up I looked in a diaper, I can't believe I let Rebecca see me like this. The bottoms I had on were really light, I could literally see right through my bottoms. I hated myself for letting her see me like this. All these thoughts relighted past memories that pierced my heart.

My phone started ringing taking my mind away from my thoughts. I wasn't in the mood to talk but I picked it up to see who was calling me. It was Buhle. I still wasn't in the mood to talk but I had to answer.

"Hi." I spoke into the phone and found myself smiling a bit when he responded. This was embarrassing but his voice sounded so crispy and dragged. As we talked I feared that they'd be awkward silences but Buhle was very vocal. He run me through his whole day and I just laughed at every wit he added to our conversation. Buhle never even confronted me about how long I took to text him. Thank God.

I surprisingly run Buhle through my day too..... except the part involving my sister and daughter. After ten more minutes of talking I finally told Buhle that I had to sleep.

"Goodnight." I told Buhle, I had to sleep. After Buhle responded I cut the call. He asked for my number because he was feeling me right? I was sure of that for like five minutes after the call but then reality hit me. I laid down and cuddled with my baby girl. Life has its favorites and I know I'm not one of them. I went through so many medications for my condition just to get worse. If I can't get passed the shame and embarrassment that the world has fitted into my situation, how would I expect someone else to.