Chapter Ten.

After I was sure that Siwe was fast asleep, I went into my bathroom to take a shower. I missed my bathroom and the general comfort of my home. After my shower, I wore my diaper and a fresh set of pajamas. When I got back on my bed, Siwe woke up. It was total silence for a good minute.

"Mummy." Siwe started.

"Yes my baby."

"Where did you go?"

"Bathroom."

"........... but I checked everyday..... you weren't here."

I honestly thought Siwe asked about my whereabouts as of five minutes ago. I wish that's what she meant Honestly. How was I going to explain my situation to a five year old.

"Oh....... Uhm........ I was at a hotel."

"Why?"

".......... I was in pain...... I was going through something and I didn't want to drag anyone else through that. Not that that's what you should do when you're in pain...... I just needed a minute."

"A minute?....... You were gone for many days."

" I know....... Needing a minute means wanting some alone time and space my baby."

"..........."

" I'm so sorry I had to leave you for so long."

" I tried calling you."

" I know, but my phone was off."

"........... I thought what happened to Nicole's mom happened to you."

" Who is Nicole?..... a friend from school?"

"Yeah............. Her mother died last week."

".................... well......... I didn't...... I'm here."

"................"

" I know you were sad and scared, but mommy is here and I will never go anywhere without you ever again, okay."

"Okay."

It broke my heart to hear just how much pain I brought on my baby girl. Her thinking I passed away wasn't fair to her little mind, but I didn't mean to hurt her.

It was easy to have Siwe forgive me. She was five years old and she didn't understand the weight of my disappearance.

I fell asleep with my baby girl. I planned to deal with everyone else the next day.

9:14Am

(COFFEE SHOP)

After dropping Siwe off at school, I texted Buhle to meet me at a coffee shop not so far from his work place. He agreed to come at eight sharp but came a whole hour late. Since my wrong was greater than his, I couldn't even complain.

"I'll have a flat white.....Thank you." Buhle told the waiter who noted down his order. I was already done with my coffee by then so I just observed my surroundings as Buhle talked to the waiter.

From the minute Buhle walked into the coffee shop. He looked very angry. His whole body language was unwelcoming. He was hostile, and he looked exhausted.

" I have to get back to work in the next 30 minutes." Buhle told me making me aware of his intended duration of stay.

"Can you not be like this.................. Upset." I dared to say.

"You want me to smile at you?"

"No............ Of course not...... I don't expect you to, but...... I can't talk to you when you look like you hate me and aren't at all willing to hear me out."

Buhle breathed out and relaxed his hostile approach a little.

"What happened the morning I left is something I can never forget............ as a child I'd never go to sleep overs to avoid such an embarrassing encounter and most those kids weren't even my friends.......... My condition is my biggest insecurity........... And it's an insecurity that I was never ready to tell you about........ And because of that, I felt betrayed by the universe when you found out in the way that you did....... I didn't know what to do other than run."

In no time, Buhle was back in his previous attitude. I didn't know what more to say to him.

" I feel like it's too early for this you know........... maybe I need three weeks too because I'm so fucking angry." Buhle told me with emphasis on the three weeks.

I tried to keep my tears held back, but the failed. I blinked multiple times to keep my tears from dropping but, everything that got out of Buhle's mouth hurt me. For 30 minutes Buhle exhausted everything he kept in his chest, all of which were hurtful to me. I was crying, wiping each tear that dropped as quickly as I could, but Buhle cared less. I kept my eyes on my hands that were on the table. I folded and unfolded my fists,I put my right hand in a fist covered by my left hand and then switching, my left hand in a fist with my right hand covering it. I alternated that movement the whole time Buhle spoke.

"Siwe used to ask me about where you were...... She'd cry for hours because all the calls she attempted to take with you didn't go through...... It was so upsetting to digest the fact of just how selfish you are."

Selfish? Now he got my attention.

"My mental health is selfish?......... Buhle..... I wanted to kill myself!"

"Oh so because you didn't, I should applaud you?"

"................ What the fuck." I reacted in disbelief. I wasn't going to tolerate this bullshit. "I've struggled with self hate...... Inadequacy,............lack of self-esteem...... All those caused by my condition.......Fuck ....... Buhle, I'm depressed. I've been fighting to live every single day and not just in the three weeks that I left, but as far back as when I was eleven years old..... and if you don't get that or care to get it. I don't think we should be together."

"It's not that I don't care Qhamani.... It's...."

"No ...... no, no, no...... just stop ........ just stop."

I had a full breakdown. After I wiped all my tears off I had red eyes, swollen eyelids and a red hot face.

"I've never felt as low as I did when I messed up at your house......... I didn't purposely leave for three weeks...... I knew if I stayed, I wouldn't be able to Mother my daughter the way she deserved and I wouldn't have been able to face you...... ever."

"............."

After a deep sigh.

"I think it's past 30 minutes, I should go... I don't want to disturb your work schedule .......... And I think this is the end of this relationship too........ I just can't comprehend any of this."

Buhle said nothing. His eyes were fixed on his coffee. I left wiping my face off. Everyone in the shop escorted me out with their eyes. Why wouldn't they? Buhle and I were louder then we should have been.

After the coffee shop, I went to work, being that Buhle's apology meeting didn't go too great I didn't intend on making things right with Ayanda. However, Ayanda approached me with concern during our lunch break, before I explained what happened with Buhle, I apologized to her first. Unlike Buhle, Ayanda was understanding.

After work, I picked Siwe up from school. She was so happy to see me and that warmed my heart making this bad day less worse.

"Are you better now?" my father asked me.

My family sat me down by my fireplace. Gogo had her judgmental face on and so did my sister. I was legs crossed on my couch, finding comfort in my hoodie which I pulled to cover my fingers.

"I am." I responded.

"I think you need help..... therapy." my mother suggested.

"Therapy is a waste and it's not necessary." My Gogo contributed.

"I'm fine mom..... I don't need therapy." I responded.

"I'm not convinced.... From what Kalu told us... I think you need help too." my father told me.

"Mummy." Siwe walked into the room after she called. "You have to read to me." She added. I pulled Siwe close to me and helped her up to sit beside me.

"Mum...... Dad....... I am 20 years old........ I'll be 21 in five days. I'm a grown woman. You can all go." I said in Zulu.

"We can go?...... is that the most respectful way to send off your family?" Gogo confronted.

Gogo and Wezi had their own rumble going on, and I wasn't interested.

"let's go read you that book," I told Siwe and lifted her in my arms, " I'm fine okay and tired, so I'm going to bed." Announced and left.

Before I was fully upstairs, I heard my grandmother arguing with my father. When I got into my room, it was all over. All the voices were shut out.

I read to my baby girl until she fell asleep. I couldn't sleep so I walked to my balcony, sat there and smoked for hours. Unlike most times, the high didn't get me happy and relieved. The high made me sob in my sorrow.

The next morning, I felt the way I felt the first week I left for space. For the first half of the day I pretended to be okay for Siwe and so that my family would leave, after they left, Siwe for school and my family for Johannesburg, I cried under my shower for hours. When I got out of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror, I cried some more. That's how bad I looked. My whole face was swollen.

When I got a terrible headache and bags formed under my eyes, I stopped with the sorrow. I had work to do. For two months, I was going to work from home, my dad pulled some strings to have me working home. Working home was very involving but at least I didn't have to face people midst all this.

"Come in." I said when I heard a knock at my office door I don't know what Rebecca wants now. I know my father asked her to keep an eye on me and it was so obvious. I couldn't keep stopping with work for her, it was annoying now.

" Hi." Buhle greeted when he walked into my office.

My heart started beating so fast the minute Buhle walked in. I didn't want to be happy to see him, but I was. Despite my unexplainable happiness, I kept on a bitch face that read, get the fuck out of my face..

"Can we talk?" Buhle asked and looked up at me.

Buhle's eyes.... Actually, his whole face was swollen. I started wondering who cried more me or him.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Can I take a seat first?" Buhle asked, still standing at the door.

"You can say whatever you want to say from right there."

Nodding.

"............ my dad called me 30 minutes ago.......... I just lost my Mother." Buhle told me and broke down immediately.

With my whole body stunned, I rushed off my chair and walked up to Buhle. When I reached him, I hugged him tight and let him find comfort in my embrace. I had no words. All the anger I had for him left me, every bit of it turned into pity. I could feel his whole body shaking from his shoulders as he cried. I couldn't help but join him in his grief. I have heard little of his mother, but Buhle proved to be a mommy's baby for sure. For five minutes the hug went on.

"........... I want to get some sleep....." Buhle told me after wiping his tears off.

I led Buhle to my room and helped him get comfortable. After I tucked him in, I watched him for a while. I remembered what my mother told me about grief when I was younger. How everyone handles it differently. How she told me never to judge how anyone reacted to a misfortune. She emphasized that presence was very helpful too. Even if you said nothing. Physical presence meant a lot to someone whose world was falling apart. That's the only wise thing she's ever taught me.

8:04pm

Buhle only woke up at eight. I had already had my dinner by then. When he woke up, I was just from tucking Siwe in. It was hell tucking my baby in, she really wanted to sleep in my room, but Buhle was still in my bed.

"Hey." I greeted Buhle who is sitting up at the edge of the bed when I walked in.

"............ Hi.........." he replied, barely audible.

"Do you want to eat something?....... I made some baked potatoes and I fixed up some pork ribs." I told Buhle after I walked over to him.

He nodded his head. No. " I just......... I want to take a shower."

"Okay okay....... Right now?"

"Mhm." He agreed.

I prepared everything I thought Buhle needed for his shower not knowing that I'd be in the shower with him.

I shower every night before I go to bed. It takes me 5 to 10 minutes usually but now that Buhle was in need of my assistance. The shower took about 30 minutes. Buhle didn't move a muscle, I soaped and rinsed his body off, mine too. After our shower, I helped him dry off and gave him one of my spare robes to wear over his towel. It was chilly. Buhle had a gloomy face the whole time. I felt so bad for my baby. when we got out of the bathroom, there was a knock at the door, I attended to it, it was Rebecca, apparently Ayanda brought Buhle a bag and left. I took the travel bag from Rebecca thanking her. I guess Buhle was staying here for a while.

"Ayanda brought you clothes." I announced to Buhle and put the bag right at his feet.

Buhle didn't react, so I opened the bag and grabbed him some briefs. Buhle took them and stood up to wear them. I walked to my closet and picked out my pajamas, since Buhle was in my room, I wore my diaper from the bathroom and walked back to my room afterwards.

Buhle was laid up in the middle of my bed. I didn't want Buhle to stare at me in my diaper puffed bottoms, so I turned the lights off. The room had mild lighting because of the bright beam, reflecting from my balcony.

I joined Buhle on my bed, he pulled me closer to him and held me in a press against his body. I was very uncomfortable, not his hold, but because of what I was wearing.

"I'm sorry about yesterday." Buhle started, I just listened. "I was so angry at you and wanted to stay that way for some time......... I just wanted to punish you like you did to me..... I was scared for our relationship but acted like a dick when you came back."

"............"

" ............I noticed your tattoo in the shower.............. thank you for staying......... despite everything you've gone through.......I can't imagine fighting depression everyday and ......... I can't imagine mourning the two women I love the most at the same time."

"................."

" I'm sorry for the pain I caused you."

" I'm sorry for the pain I caused you....... And sorry for the pain you're facing right now too." I apologized.

Sniffs. " I love you."

That was the first time Buhle told me that in person.

" I love you." I replied, as I played with Buhle's hair.

"Is it okay that I'm here?"

"It is."

Buhle held me closer and fell asleep. I wasn't sleepy so I played with his hair, caressed his cheeks and beard, His forehead, and eyebrows......... practically his whole face. I can't believe I planned to be angry at this man and avoid him when I loved his presence and touch.

Because of grief Buhle and I barely talked for three days, during the day he'd be gone, helping his family with burial preparations and when he got back to my house, he just wanted to cuddle and sleep. I didn't mind the silence though. I've never felt this close to him. He trusted me with his pain and I should have done the same.

27th, August.

"Happy birthday!" Buhle and Siwe yelled the second I open my eyes from sleep. With Buhle's help Siwe fired confetti into the air. They were both so excited.

"Wake up!" Siwe yelled.

"Yeah babe get up Like now....... We have brunch to get to." Buhle told me.

"She's always so slow...... It won't be brunch with her speed ... It will be dinner." Siwe joked, and Buhle laughed. The joke was a good 0.5 out of 50 but Buhle is always supporting total nonsense.

After an hour and 45 minutes, I was ready for the brunch, it was 1 PM so it was practically a lunch date. After lunch we went to a fun park. I thought it would be fun only to Siwe but God, Buhle brought out my inner child. I enjoyed every game we tried.

"But I wanted it." Siwe cried after a beat her at a shooting game. I was in the middle of my celebratory moment as my five year old cried her eyes out.

"You'll get the next one sweetheart." Buhle try to comfort Siwe as I snuggled my well-deserved teddy bear. "Babe just give it to her." he told me because Siwe was being a sore loser.

"I was going to give it to you anyway mama." I told Siwe and handed her the teddy bear.

After a few more games, we had our dinner and then it was time to go home. I was so exhausted. Rebecca helped Siwe with her bath, and I helped myself with one too. After 10 minutes, I got out of the shower to a bed full of gifts. Balloons, flowers, purses, a watch, necklace, rings, bracelets and anklets, money a MacBook, a phone..... my favorite fragrance... Did I mention money? Because there was loads of it the best gift, nonetheless, was standing on the other side of my bed, smiling with a bottle of wine.

"Awwwwwwww......... baby!" I was overjoyed I didn't even know what to say, and how to act.

I was so happy. No one treated me this gracefully on my birthday apart from my father. For this birthday my dad blessed my bank account and so did my mother and siblings. Money is nice but nothing can ever surpass a material gift. With money I spend it and forget all about it but with a necklace or purse I will use it everyday and I'll be reminded of the joy of the day I was gifted with it.

For the rest of my birthday, Buhle watched me react to every gift. After two glasses of wine, Buhle and I danced around in my room. I've honestly never been this happy.

"I love you." I told Buhle making him smile.

"I love you more." Buhle replied and cupped my jaw with both his hands, kissing me.