Chapter Nine.

'BUHLE'S POINT OF VIEW'

When I woke up, Qhamani wasn't next to me. At the very moment I didn't think much of it..... I thought she'd be in the kitchen or my bathroom. I took a good thirty seconds stretching on my bed. When my mind was fully awake, I smelt something strange and that smell seemed to be on me. I lifted the bed covers and froze because of what I was seeing. I picked my phone up from my bed side cabinet and found a message notification from Qhamani. The text message was long..... before I could even read it, I knew or rather I had an idea of what was going on. The last time I was in Qhamani's room, I peeped a box of adult diapers but I couldn't ask about it, I just let my mind alternate between assumptions . I guess I had my answers now.

I buried my face in my hands and sighed.

What the fuck.

"So what will you do?" Ayanda asked me.

I invited Ayanda to my house. I didn't know who better to talk about all this with. I assumed Ayanda knew about Qhamani's condition, sadly she didn't. I felt like a crossed a boundary by telling Ayanda but since she knew now I needed someone to advise me on what to do.

"I don't know..... that's why I called you...... I tried calling Qhamani so that we talk but her phone is off..... I went over to her house too but Siwe's nanny told me that she wasn't home....... I don't know where she is." I replied.

"I didn't mean right now....... I meant in the long run..... will you break up with her?"

"........... I don't know.......... I mean..... it's not like she has a virus that she can give to me and she knows how to handle herself I'm guessing.......... I really don't think this is a root for break up........... I'm in love with this girl Ayanda."

"Then why are am I here?........ you seem to know what you want to do now and in the long run."

"I know what I want to do but it's......... I'm confused......I know I shouldn't care what people think but....... I just don't know if I can handle the mockery or questioning by my friends and family if they found out about any of this..... and clearly she feels the same way because me finding out made her run off in some sort of shame and embarrassment. That's the dilemma. I love Qhamani..... I am crazy in love with her and I wouldn't want to lose our relationship but this illness is socially condemned.... It's awkward...... like I wouldn't say anything bad out loud to her or anyone else for that matter, but the judgmental thoughts do cross my mind." I said before a deep sigh.

In the text that Qhamani left me earlier this morning , she stated that she was sorry and explained the details of her condition and how long she's had it. She confessed that that was what she failed to fill me in on when we talked in my pool. When I read the text I didn't know how to feel about it then and I still don't know how to feel about now.

She left a text about work for Ayanda, from the sounds of it, she was probably planning to stay away long.

"I'm not even mad that she messed my bed up you know.........my heart actually feels so heavy...... like I'm so sad...... I feel like I feel her pain right now and knowing that I can't help her in anyway kills me...... like I wish I could erase all the disrespectful judgement and inconsideration of all the people that hurt her in the past...... I also wish I could just clear my own mind and not think about this whole situation as odd or partially embarrassing because it's not........ it's a medical illness that she didn't choose to have." I told Ayanda honestly.

My whole chest felt like it was nursing the wound of a knife piercing. I just wanted to see Qhamani and embrace her with comfort and take all the shame she felt over this whole situation. I wanted her to know that I loved her regardless.

"I think I understand why she never told me about it......... because no matter what and how she told me our friendship would be different..... looking at her I'd probably think of how she spends her nights or if other people at work know...... I love Qhamani but it's just being human.......... We are so attentive to imperfections and we judge them mentally without even knowing it." Ayanda shared.

".......... Yeah..........Do you think we should call her parents?" I asked Ayanda.

"Why would we do that?"

"Qhamani has lived with them her whole life....... They know her behavioral traits around this better than we do."

"I get that........ but let's give her two days at least........ I'll cover for her at work like she asked and you and I can make sure that Siwe is fine.......... After two days we can call her father.... His number is in her records." Ayanda spoke and we agreed.

That night, I went to Qhamani's house, I knew she wouldn't be there but I hoped she'd be.

"Hi." I greeted Rebecca.

"Hey." She responded.

"Is she back?"

"No." Rebecca answered. "She sent me a text." She added and invited me inside.

When I got into the house, Rebecca showed me the text message from Qhamani on her phone. The text instructed Rebecca not to call the police or look for her. Qhamani didn't mention where she was but according to the message she was safe.

"Okay." Was my only response.

"Do you know why she's gone?" Rebecca asked me. I didn't want to cross another boundary so I lied that Qhamani and I had a misunderstanding.

"Anyway......... if you need anything, you should call me." I told Rebecca and handed her my business card. "I mean anything and everything ........ if you need to be paid or you need food or any sort of assistance with Siwe...... I'm here and if Qhamani comes back please let me know." Rebecca and I came to an agreement and I left.

When I got home I did a bit of work on my laptop and fell asleep in my office.

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It had now been three weeks since Qhamani left. As Ayanda and I agreed..... we called Qhamani's father and informed him about what had transpired. Including the part where his twenty year old, youngest, daughter slept in my bed. There was no way I could avoid it. He didn't take the information too well but we had a bigger problem at our hands.

Being that Qhamani's father was worried about his daughter's safety, he flew to Cape Town along side his wife, mother in law and daughter. For more than two weeks Qhamani's family has been staying at her house patiently waiting for her return and also for the purpose of caring for Siwe. It was so sad to see them practically reliving the fear they had when their other daughter went missing. Every time I talked to Qhamani's mother that's all she ever talked about. Her fear.

Siwe was two years old the last time she saw this part of her family and the two weeks that she did have with them didn't make her a 100% comfortable around them, as such Ayanda and I kept close. I handled Siwe's drop offs and pick ups from school or rather I had a driver hired for it. I was a busy man but I made time when I could. Siwe is outgoing and social...... kind and lovable, but since her mother went MIA, she talked less and had a frown on her face 75% of the time. Just like Qhamani, Siwe didn't like her great grand mother and her aunt...... she didn't seem to mind her grandmother and she absolutely loved her grandfather.

Qhamani's grandmother wasn't a fan of me and I wasn't a fan of her either...... I barely talked to her parents and her sister gave me an ill feeling that I didn't quite understand.

Rebecca still worked her job as a nanny with my supervision.

"When's my mum going to come back home?" Siwe asked me after I parked my car in front of Qhamani's house.

Siwe asked me about her mother every chance she could. I had just picked her up from school.

"I don't know sweetie.......... But soon."

When I looked through my rare view mirror, I could see Siwe's eyes full of tears. I didn't know how long I could go without involving the police now. Qhamani was being irresponsible and I don't even care if she's battling her pain. She has her whole family worried about her. Siwe could only take enough of this separation.

"I don't want to be home if mummy won't be there." Siwe told me now crying.

"I understand that.........but sweetheart she's not here right now.......Do you want to send your mother another voice message?........ maybe she'll call and tell you when she'll be back...... do you think you can send the voice message?" I asked Siwe and she nodded her head yes.

Since Qhamani's has been gone I've been texting her and letting Siwe send her voice messages each time we missed her. We both got no replies but it was therapeutic.

"Mummy..................please come home." Siwe cried into my phone. "Mummy.......come home."

I don't know how Qhamani was living care free when her daughter was suffering. I wasn't even sad about her situation anymore, I was angry. I was angry because of how she chose to handle all this.

(END OF BUHLES POINT OF VIEW)

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For three weeks, I have been nursing the worst episodes of depression. For three weeks, I have been staying at a three star hotel with my best friend. Kalu came all the way from Johannesburg and has stayed with me from the day I drove away from Buhle's house till now. I've had several bursts of anger...... uncontrollable crying........ Isolation reactions and some mild happiness. In three weeks, I lost and gained weight, lost it, gained it and lost it. I cut my shoulder length hair to only half an inch and dyed it copper. I actually love it way more like this.

In three weeks, I got a tattoo on my abdomen that expressed suicide survival....... Yes....... In these three weeks I tried to kill myself. My tattoo is a butterfly with a semi colon as it's main body with a paragraph under it saying 'and here you are living despite it all'.

"So you're ready?" Kalu asked me.

Today we were turning my phone on.

"Not really but yeah."

When Kalu turned my phone on, it went crazy with message pop ups and various other notifications.

"Wow." Kalu commented after my phone went silent.

"What?"

"You have 400 missed calls from Buhle....you're lover........ 259 from Siwe..... aww the baby.... Wait, she has a phone? Isn't she five?...... 20 from Ayanda.....11 from Rebecca..... whose Rebecca?......10 from your father...... 5 from your mother and Wezi as well....... And 2 from Belelani."

"Messages?"

"Oh my God.......... You have 3,567 messages from Buhle........ he must really love you huh?....... His last message to you was actually today....... A voice message, do you want to start with that?"

"Privately yes."

"Girl I have wiped your shit for three weeks.... Give me a break on that privacy nonsense." Kalu blurted and played the voice message.

"Mummy...................please come home .................... Mummy.......come home." Kalu and I both heard from my phone...... Siwe's words were followed by crying which made me tear up.

"Real talk........ if that message doesn't make you ready to go home.......... I don't know what will and honestly I'm not staying here another day with you." Kalu told me.

I wasn't ready to go home. I just wasn't.

Kalu continued reviewing the messages and discovered that my parents, grandmother and sister were home. That became another reason I didn't want to go home, but with all the messages that Kalu read from Buhle I was reconsidering. I didn't expect him to be this invested in my child's well being and I had no idea that he loved me this much. Another reason that pushed me to go back home was the fact that Ayanda couldn't cover for me at work anymore. If I didn't report to work I'd get fired.

With all the facts brought out above, I started packing my clothes. I was going back home tonight.

"Those are Buhle and Ayanda's cars." I pointed out as Kalu drove us closer to my house.

"Good...... everyone is home." Kalu replied excitedly like it were a joke filled moment.

After several deep breaths. Kalu and I walked out of the car and walked to the front door. Since I had my keys, I opened the front door and we walked in. Kalu closed the door behind us and patted me on the shoulder for comfort. As we walked in further, I could hear voices from my dining room, they were all probably having their dinner.

I hesitated a little but pulled my pants up and walked into the dinning room. Siwe spotted me first and screamed for me making everyone turn to face me. Siwe quickly got off her seat and run towards me, I bent on one knee and hugged my baby girl once she got to me. I hugged her tightly as she cried...... her tears of joy turned to tears of pain. During our hug, I made sure not to face anybody, I faced the floor.

"It's okay baby..... I'm here." I comforted Siwe continuously until she quieted down.

When Siwe stopped crying I stood up straight. She hugged my leg so I didn't move any further and I honestly wasn't planning to.

Buhle got off his chair and walked up to me, everyone else just watched. When he got close enough he looked into my eyes and mine into his. His eyes were glassy, I could tell that he was hurt.

Buhle hugged me and I held him tight. I could feel his heart racing against my ear. After the hug, Buhle walked away making tears rush down my face but I wiped them off quickly. It was evident that he was glad I was back but him walking away was an obvious act of anger.

Ayanda got off her chair next.

"The meal was amazing........ thank you." Ayanda looked to tell my mother who smiled with her hand on her chest. After the appreciation, Ayanda took her purse from a table on the side of the wall after which she walked passed me with no words.

"How about you go upstairs with your daughter and I'll explain to everyone what happened." Kalu suggested. His tone was thankfully only audible to me.

I picked Siwe up and headed upstairs making my Gogo and mother spiral in never ending words of disappointment and spite. I don't know what Kalu remained telling my family but I was grateful for him. I was in my room, rocking my little angel who held me tight.

I broke my promise to Siwe. I left her when I told her that I'd never leave.

Buhle and Ayanda are so angry with me too. I had a lot of apologizing to do. As I held my little princess, I kept replaying everything.......... My father looked so disappointed in me........ so did Ayanda and Buhle. My Gogo looked disgusted and I can't even blame her this time.

I was inconsiderate.