Chapter Eight.

For two weeks now , Siwe has been begging for a sleepover with her best friend Nao. I already know Nao's parents. I've known them for a year plus actually so I trust them. Nao is a lovely child as well, so I didn't mind a proposal for a sleepover. Since Siwe is five now I thought why not. It took me two weeks to accept but at least I didn't say no. Siwe had a to sleep over to get to, and I was invited to Buhle's house. Today was going to be the first time visiting his house. At least with Siwe gone, I didn't have to worry about leaving her home alone with the Nanny for too long. Rebecca helped Siwe pack up a day ago. All I had to do was drop her off at Nao's place.

"Nao couldn't even sleep last night." Nao's mother narrated making us both laugh.

"Siwe did sleep, but she literally talked about leaving all day today." I contributed. Siwe and Nao we're already playing as we talked.

After the small talk with Nao's parents, I finally got to my car and set my GPS up. I was going to Buhle's house.

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"Put this on." Buhle told me handing me a brown two-piece, swimsuit.

Buhle and I were in his room. The room had large glass doors at the front which opened to a balcony with a pool at its center. This house was so beautiful. From the neat interior design at the entrance to the delicacy of extra glass instead of walls. Buhle's house was amazing.

"What if I was on my period?" I asked after getting the two piece.

"I know you're not because I know your cycle and besides, I know you wear tampons as well so." he answered me.

"Okay....... What are my days?" I asked in curiosity.

"............ late month.......... early month...... never in the middle."

"Okay...... okay." I clapped a little at his confidence and excellence.

"My bathroom is straight ahead." Buhle instructed me after which I went to dress up and get ready for the water.

After we both had the appropriate attire for the water Buhle walked me outside. The two piece I had on was a brown triangle top, that had strings to tie my top into place and strings on the left and right side of the bottoms piece as well. Buhle wore the usual swim shorts. I couldn't get enough of the sight of his bare chest.

He had broad shoulders with a built back and chest. I couldn't believe all that was mine.

"I want to know about the younger you........ like way back......." Buhle told me.

At this moment, we were at the center of the pool. Buhle standing and me wrapped around his waist with my arms around his neck. He had jazz playing from the speakers. I wasn't a fan of jazz but it was soothing.

"Uhm......... I hated my childhood....... All of it...... and I hate talking about it." I told Buhle honestly.

"Do you mind telling me why you hated it?"

"A little bit...... but uhm....... Where can I start...... I have three siblings..... two of which are way older than me. The closest sister I had was Sindiswa...... she passed two years ago..."

"Sorry about that."

"It's okay.... Uhm....... We were close...... I had so much love for her but she didn't quite feel the same way and I only got to know of this a couple of weeks ago when I read her journal........ that's all I can say about that........ I don't want to relight the bad memories and ruin our day."

"What about your other siblings?"

"They were just too far ahead you know...... we've never had a connection........ my brother and I try now but my oldest sister and I can't even talk.......... And then...... I grew up with my grandmother..... like she lived with my parents and my siblings and I........ she said a lot to me you know......... she was so spiteful........ her words hurt and affected me more than she'll ever know."

"What would she say?"

".............. things like I was an embarrassment....... And that I disgraced the whole family..... she would say it all in Isizulu which I find more dense compared to English honestly."

"Why would she say all that?"

"......................... I don't know........ I do....... But...... I just.......I can't.."

"....I understand ......... What about your parents?"

"I love my dad....... So much....... He is always there for me...... and he always was even then....... My mum was more of a beauty ornament for my dad....... She was never a mother she just enjoyed his money and if I could notice that as a child then it was pretty bad and obvious......... she's still the same even now actually ....... I think that's why my grandmother lived with us....... She was the acting mother."

"Okay.......... How was your school life?"

".............. I was bullied...... heavily."

"You're lying..... for what?" Buhle asked me in disbelief.

"......... hanging around the gay kid....... Being socially awkward and smart......... I was a victim of rumors......... I don't even remember the other things that made me a target..... I just know that I hated school with every part of me."

"What were the rumors about?"

I shrugged my shoulders and looked up trying not to cry. Buhle hugged me tight and kissed my chest.

"I'm sorry....... I just can't right now." I told Buhle after tears run down my face.

"It's okay, I'm sorry I pressed you with those questions................. We can talk about anything else." Buhle told me.

I wiped my tears off my face and took a breath. This was a partial vulnerability that I never showed anyone.

I'm definitely in love with this man. I've never felt like this..... not even for Joshua.

"Do you want to tell me about Nelisiwe instead...... she seems to make you so happy." Buhle said making me smile because Siwe did make me happy,

"Siwe is my peace......... she's pure joy..... all I want to do is give, give , give when it comes to her."

"I hope to be your peace and joy like her one day."

"Oh you are.......... You and Siwe are my favorite people in the whole world.......... You're my happiness."

When I get emotional, I become more open. I feel the need to express myself........ now at least....... When I was young, I mishandled my emotions. Emotions led me to isolation...... I expressed myself in no way........ I let the anger and hurt build up in my body. I took fault for everything. I blamed myself and I pinned myself deserving. I didn't know my worth, I had no self esteem or love for myself either. I hated myself and I found no need for people's love.

When I called Buhle my happiness, he laid his head on my breasts.

He had his head leaned against my chest and now I wish he hadn't. I went from feeling so in love to being scared and sad. What if he leaves me too. I hated that my heart couldn't just let me have a happy moment.

"What about you....... What's your childhood story?" I asked Buhle trying to block the negative thoughts that blossomed in my silence.

".......... Er........ I'm an only child, as you know......... my childhood was pretty boring because I was home alone most times........ both my parents are workaholics...... but I received enough love regardless of that........ I was an A+ student........ I just wanted to be like my dad...... I am now and that's pretty much it."

" You never had cousins living with you or friends that you can tell me stories about?"

"I had cousins ....... Many of them...... but they only came on holidays and I barely had friends."

"You barely had friends?....... Why?"

"I may have been a little boastful and rude........ no one liked me....... Even when I changed so....... I had like two friends my whole school years. I made most of the friends I have now like three or four years ago"

"Hm."

"Yep."

"What's your body count?" I asked boldly.

"Two."

I squinted my eyes in doubt but I took his word.

"How many guys have you dated?" Buhle questioned.

"Two."

"Why did you break up with them?"

"They broke up with me......... you're important to someone till you're not....... Why did you break up with your last girlfriend?"

"She cheated......... okay that was a lie..... I cheated."

"Hm................."

"................."

"....................."

"Are you hungry?..... I think I'm hungry." Buhle rushed to say, clearly avoiding more questions. I just laughed and agreed.

After our swimming pool moment, I helped Buhle with lunch. It was so hilarious to watch a grown man no nothing about his own kitchen. I'm not that great a cook either and that was the fun part. We figured it out nonetheless and enjoyed our late lunch. After eating, we both cleaned up and headed back to Buhle's room. It was time to shower.

"Are you coming?" Buhle mouthed when he walked out of the bathroom after running the water.

"Just a minute." I responded. I was checking on my baby girl, she seemed so happy over the phone so I knew she was okay.

"Okay........ good night my baby...... I love you." I spoke into the phone and ended the call.

After I put my phone away, I walked into the bathroom.

Our shower involved less of its main purpose. Buhle had me around his waist, against the wall, kissing me passionately.

I was moaning throughout the kiss and I know I could hear Buhle a little doing the same too. I wish he was louder. I want to hear him. I broke the kiss and signaled Buhle to put me down. When I was finally on my feet, I knelt down slowly looking up at Buhle the whole time. I put Buhle in my mouth with no thought. I just wanted to hear him and this time I wasn't going to quit until I did. I took in my mouth most of him and kept a uniform rhythm.

"Fuuuuuuuckk."

I heard it all...... the panting and grunting...... the heavy breathing and the cursing........I almost lost my rhythm because of Buhle's moaning.

I could hear this all day. Hearing him made me thirst for him. I wanted him to make love to me.

When I was all done, I got up never leaving our skin to skin contact.

"I want you inside me." I told Buhle as he caught a breath. I looked him right into his eyes.

"You're sure?" Buhle asked still catching a breath.

"I'm sure." I answered and Buhle immediately took my lips to his.

"Get dry." Buhle ordered after the intense kiss. We both got out of the shower and dried ourselves. I didn't want my first time to be in a shower so I was glad we were out.

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The time had finally come. The heat from our shower moment had elapsed but I wanted this. I trust Buhle with my body. I hope I don't regret this.

"At any point that this gets too painful to handle you can tell me and I'll stop." Buhle told me as he wore the condom over his manhood.

"Okay." I responded and closed my eyes for a second and then opened them.

Buhle started with kissing me first. I was nervous but he settled my nerves and I actually got excited for him again. I was so taken away by all the foreplay, When Buhle started to slide inside me slowly, I felt a pressure build up between my legs. The pressure turned into pain and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

"Common baby, you can take it." Buhle encouraged as he pushed in slowly. I had my eyes shut and my face squinted. I was ready to tap out.

"I need you to relax for me baby." Buhle told me and as he now moved in and out slowly.

When was the pain going to turn into pleasure? I thought to myself.

Buhle continued with the same pace and making sure I was okay. When I felt that hint of pleasure I let out a moan. Sex wasn't so bad. Point of correction ...............Damn this feels so amazing. No wonder people get addicted. I could feel Buhle going in and out and I swear it was heaven. Buhle carried me through the whole time until I was finished. When we were all done I was exhausted and fell asleep on my man's chest. And just like that I wasn't the twenty year old virgin.

I had the sweetest dreams that night.

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It was all rosy until I woke up at three in the morning, sleeping over a wet sheet. That was when reality unraveled itself to me.

I rushed off the bed..... my blood was boiling, I could feel myself having a panic attack. What the fuck was I thinking.

I went into Buhle's bathroom. I fell to the floor after I locked the door, trying to catch a breath without making a noise through all the crying.

For five minutes I cried on the bathroom floor.

I had to leave. I just had to. I couldn't be at Buhle's when he woke up. I gathered myself together..... barely..... but I got up anyway..... I got my clothes and dressed up. After I was all done, I looked at Buhle who was still sleeping in the bed and started crying all over again. I took my purse and my phone and quietly walked out of the room.

I was now in my car, still crying except louder this time. This was a different type of pain. I had never felt this type of pain in a long time.

After twenty minutes, I realized that I had to explain myself to Buhle. I took my phone and wrote a long paragraph explaining everything....... I wrote about my condition and pretty much filled up all the blanks I left out in our conversation yesterday. The explanation was all I had to offer Buhle. I didn't tell him about how I felt about the situation or how I felt about him. I didn't want to influence his decision or make him feel sorry for me. It was over the minute I let my mind shut down on his bed anyway...... no type of remorse or love could fix what just happened. How did I forget every precaution I have ever taken since I was 12 years old in one day.

After my text to Buhle I texted Ayanda. I don't think I'll be able to go for work anytime soon. I just wanted to drive away and keep driving. I texted Rebecca too..... she was going to pick Siwe up for me today and take care of her for some time too. I texted Nao's mother as well to let her know about the pick up changes.

That's everyone.

I was too embarrassed to face anything just yet. I started my car and just drove. I turned my phone off and planned to keep it that way.

What the fuck just happened?.....

Why the fuck did it happen?.....

As I drove I hoped it would be a dream but it wasn't..... I knew it was real.... Too real.

No one will ever understand the pain of carrying such a condition. No one will ever know just how heavy hearting it is to have people find out about a condition like mine without it coming from my own mouth. It takes a lot to trust someone enough to speak of your vulnerability.

I thought of death so many times....... At this point would it even be considered selfish?.......