chapter 8: I like you...

One thing that I hate about myself is that I never fall in love with someone who is in love with me too. To think that a lot of boys crush on me but not the one I like is just so weird to me. Maybe, this is what I deserved for being disgusted with the idea of dating before. However, as I grew older, I started to get jealous whenever I saw lovely couples in public or on social media.

Crying and being heartbroken like this when Aiden said he has a crush on someone, feels weird to me. Saying these things in my head, all these words only mean one thing. A thing that I don't want to admit. A thing that is so bitter like a pill to swallow.

"I guess I have a crush on Aiden... there's no other valid reason for you to be heartbroken the moment he said he has a crush on someone and not you... I told you already... don't fall in love with someone... you will only end up getting hurt... fuck..." I wiped my tears and cried silently. I spent about an hour escaping classes crying. My school is a little different. If you're a top student, you're allowed to escape a few classes as long as you keep scoring well in the exams. I don't usually escape classes because I am always scared of being step behind other students. However, I couldn't handle it this time, feeling like going home early, I decided to call my parents and request them to take me home early. Thankfully, my parents agreed to send me home and I was permitted to do so by the school.

"Is there anything honey? Your eyes... Did you cry, Han?" I guess my red eyes are really that obvious.

"Yes... but I would rather not tell you the reason why..."

"It's okay, I understand honey. Just do whatever you want for the rest of the day, I'm fine with it"

"I just want to lay on my bed..."

"Go ahead honey, don't worry about dad, I will tell him later. Go rest"

My parents are very supportive. When I first came out to them, they told me that they already knew about it. Simply because, the day when there was a teacher's parents meeting at school, a lot of boys introduced themselves to my parents saying that they were my boyfriend. My parents at first were surprised at the fact that I had boyfriends, not to mention that more than ten boys were saying that they were my boyfriend that day. When they finally got home, my parents told me that they were disappointed in me. Not because I'm dating boys, but because they thought I was a playboy. However, I explained everything to my parents and they trusted me. They also laughed about it a lot as they found it very hilarious. At that time, I also decided to be honest with them about my sexuality. That moment is the moment that I will forever cherish. I can never be thankful enough to god for blessing me an open-hearted-minded and kind parent.

I spent the day just trying to convince myself that it's my fault that I fell in love with Aiden, and it's not his fault that he likes someone else who is not me. However, my toxic brain keeps on cursing his name and wishing him nothing but hell. So immature of me.

Suddenly my phone lit up. Although my mood is blue and I really hate him for not liking me back, I still wish that it is Aiden who is texting me. I grabbed my phone that is at the very end corner of my bed and turned it on to see who. It was Aiden

"Hey? Did you go home? I thought you said you went to the library. I was waiting for you to come back but later I was informed that you went home... Are you sick? Please tell me if you did okay?"

I'm so torn between happiness, excitement and sorrowful pain. I just stared at the screen while thinking about how he could still make me think that he likes me even after telling me he has a crush on a girl. I felt butterflies on my stomach when he sent that message. However, it's as if the butterflies' wings are broken and torn, they all tried to fly but failed and fell to the ground when I realized that he doesn't like me. I don't have the energy to text him back so I decided to just ignore the text and continue laying facing the ceiling while zoning out. Few minutes later, my vision started to blur and my eyes felt heavy. I let out a big yawn and fell asleep after a pretty long crying session.

I went absent the next day cause I can't afford seeing Aiden with all these pains. It's not that I hate him, It's just that I need time to let this feeling go away. Although it will take more than a day, I hope it will happen quickly.

The next day I decided to go back to school. Although I still have not stopped liking him, escaping school again is scary to me. I'm lazy, yes, but thinking that my other classmates might surpass my ranking on the exam because I skipped a few classes is scary. Again, I take my studies very seriously.

On my way to the class, a lot of boys asked me where I was yesterday and if I was okay. I just replied with a smile and said nothing. Before opening the classroom door, I took a deep breath because again, my daily routine, giving letters to Aiden. Just in the morning alone I have to endure pain. Wanted to end things quickly, so I gave him the letters without saying anything and went quickly to my seat. After sitting, I immediately pretend to be sleeping by putting my head on the table and pillows with my hands. I can hear that Aiden is coming closer to me. He suddenly stops and sits on the Fadly table that is next to me.

"Are you okay Han? You're already sleeping?" He asked. I choose to ignore and continue to pretend.

"You didn't even reply to my texts... Did I do something wrong to you? I feel like you're hating me... don't hate me Han because I like..." he stops.

Like what? Like me? Please... please say that you like me Aiden... I don't hate you... I like you, Aiden.

"I like to be around you, you're an amazing person..."

What? What was that supposed to mean? Does by like to be around me mean that you like me Aiden? You're making me confused... I feel like I should stop pretending to sleep and ask him what that was supposed to mean, but the thought of him might probably say that he likes me as a friend only, it just scares me. I can't take another pain, enough of negativity, I need some positivity.

After saying that, he touched my cheek with his index finger slowly and gently.

"God... cute..." after doing that, he left the table and went to the toilet.