chapter 10: why is he likes this?

The examination is really coming and like I said, I took my studies very seriously, second after my reputation. My sleeping schedule is slowly starting to get messed up. I stayed so late practicing every single past year's physics paper. Even after all that, I'm still not ready for the exam. For the past few years, I have always topped the class. Every examination doesn't matter if it's the first assessment exam, mid-year exam, or final year exam, my determination to top the class ranking never faded away.

Some will say that I am lucky because I am clever and able to top the class ranking. But honestly, I want it to stop. You see, when you always do well on your exam, people will expect you to do well every time. The pressure that is placed on you is unbearable sometimes. It kills me so much the fact that people will act like nothing if I did well as it is normal but make it a fuss if I failed to do well. I really wanted to stop topping the class ranking, however, I take my reputation so seriously. I can't let anyone talk shit about me just because of how tired I am. I want people to continue to look up to me, idolize me, and find themselves as no match to standing right next to me or breathing the same air as me. I know I'm such a disgusting narcissist.

"The examination is going to start next week so I'm just going to assume that every single one of you has already started your revision. If you have not, please do so" the teacher advised.

"I'm scared of physics... I'm really not ready "I complained to fadly, whose table is next to mine.

"You said that every time the exam is coming but you always ace all three papers. Quit overthinking okay? You'll always end up topping the class rank so what's there to worry about?" Fadly said

"It's not an easy thing to do..."

"Well, it's easy for you because you're so smart and gifted. I wish I was you. You know, beautiful, smart, rich, popular and people admire you. If only I'm smart like you to get straight A" Fadly said

I just replied with an awkward laugh and slapped him slightly in a friendly way although I actually wanted to punch him in the face and drag his head by hairs to the toilet bowl. Not just him, but everyone who said that I am gifted. I hate it when someone says that I am gifted and that it was easy for me to ace the exam or top the class. I want people to see me as a smart student, but I hate when they say "It's easy because you're smart". I work so hard, stay awake till very late at night, spend money for private tuition classes, and get myself overworked, just to get good and excellent results on my exams, and when someone said that "it's easy for me because I'm smart" or compliment me with the word "gifted". It feels as if all of my hard work is being discredited.

Being praised with "Wow you're so smart! I'm so jealous of you!" and "Of course you got 'A' it's easy for you because you're smart unlike me" is different. I hate it when people think I don't study hard for the exam and have it easy because I'm smart. I'm not smart! I'm just a pathetic loser who works very hard so that people view me as a brilliant student!

Suddenly someone tapped me on my back. I turned my back to see who and it was Saff

"Can we talk Han? Outside"

"Oh... Okay"

We walked to the outside of the class and as we were walking, I slightly turned my eyes to Aiden. To my surprise, he was staring at me until the moment I left the class. I can see his head slowly moving as I walk to the door. My delusional thoughts filled me but I chose to brush it away because I like to remind myself that he has a crush on a girl, and I am a boy. Let's go back to the reality Han.

"So what is it you want to talk about?" Saff then slowly turned his body to me and a big smile appeared on his face.

"She texted me last night Han!" He said excitedly. My eyes widen in surprise and honestly, I'm also excited for him

"Wait, you're serious right now?! What did she text you?!" I'm so invested with these two

"She's said that she's Sarah and said that she wants us to become closer! She also threatened me to save her number! She said that if I didn't then she'd go to my house and tell my parents that I am a cutie! Can you imagine?! She called me a cutie!" Saff is so excited that he grabs both of my hands by the wrist and jumps in excitement. Hearing his story got me smiling really bad and I ended up joining him jumping in excitement. It was fun. It really is. It's always fun to help a friend and see him happy. It feels like I have succeeded as a friend.

We continued to jump for a pretty long minute. I started to get tired but it seemed like he was still in his fantasy and I didn't want to ruin it so I kept going until he decided to stop. However, suddenly someone opens the classroom door harshly and it causes a loud bang. I turned my head to the sound while still jumping as Saff seemed like he didn't even realize what was happening around him.

"Can you guys stop? We can hear the sound of you guys jumping. It's so annoying" It was Aiden. What the hell is wrong with him? I stopped jumping and Saff started to slowly stop also when he realized that I had already stopped jumping. He looked at Aiden and suddenly put his arms around my shoulder and lay his head on my shoulder like we were close friends.

"Yo Aiden! Sorry if we annoyed you but I couldn't help it! I was just too excited!"

"So excited that you have to lay your head on Han's shoulder? You're making him uncomfortable" He said

"Really? Do you find this uncomfortable Han?" Saff asked me with his face close to me. I don't find it weird or uncomfortable at all, maybe because I think I'm closer to Saff than before.

"No. Not at all."

"See Aiden! We're so close that he doesn't find these uncomfortable! I can even kiss him and he wouldn't even be bothered about it!" Saff said. I don't know why, maybe because I'm a stupid loser, I laughed at that. Don't ask me why, I really don't know why! It is just as if suddenly I think everything is funny!

"Anyways, I'm going to meet Miss Clara," Saff said. He patted my head before starting to walk to Miss Clara's table. Maybe it's because we have grown closer each time we have a conversation that I don't find awkward or weird with what he did.

He waved me goodbye and I did the same to him. When he stops facing me, that is when I realize that Aiden is looking at me with a displeased face. I tried to act as if I didn't realize it and decided to start a conversation.

"Do you know why Saff wanted to meet Miss Clara?" I don't care why, but at the moment, this is the only question that I can think of.

"I don't know. Why do you care?" Sir, trust me I don't care. Why do you have to be so rude though?

"No... Just curious"

Aiden then came closer to me, however, slowly

"You have already talked to him before..." I thought that he would stop but as he got closer to me, I started to freak out and to move backwards. Of course, the reason why I get nervous is because I have a crush on him...

"You even jump, holding hands, he touched your shoulder, he patted you on the head, and after all that you still want to keep talking about him? Is talking to him not enough that you want to keep talking about him with other people? With me?" As my back hit the hallway wall, I started to freak out even more. I turned my head to the wall and when I turned back to Aiden, he was already standing right in front of me. So close that I can feel his breath on my face.

Aiden is taller than me. My height overall is only at his neck level. He levels his head a little bit downward until our forehead touches each other, so close to me, so close that I can feel his hot breath. Our eyes are looking at each other. It was silent for a few good seconds, all I could hear was the sound of my chaotic classmates.

This is beautiful to me. Feed my fantasy more Aiden, make me think of you before I go to sleep, please... But I'm scared. I'm scared that my friends will see us and start rumors. Sure, rumors about me dating Aiden don't sound so bad, I'm okay with it, but I'm scared about how Aiden will think and react toward it. He will probably be disgusted and threaten everyone to stop talking about it. He will also probably announce to everyone at school that he did not like me or see me as more than a friend. I mean, doesn't it sound like a 'friend with benefits' to him?

"Why... Don't you want to talk about me? Aren't you curious about me too... Han?" He said as he leaned his head closer to me. I stared at his face, I could feel my body getting hot and my face was probably red. This is too much for my fantasies.

"Wait, hold on!" I shouted and pushed him away from me. I covered my face with my hands and quickly rushed to the toilet without saying anything.

I locked the main toilet door, not wanting any students to enter. I quickly ran to the mirror and my prediction was right. I'm as red as a tomato right now. I rinsed my face several times to stop the hot burning feeling on my face. After about a minute my face eventually returned to its normal tone and I let out a sigh of relief. I starved myself in the mirror while thinking about Aiden. Thinking about how foolish I am falling for him.

"Aiden... Just how could you do this to my weak heart... Constantly feeding my fantasy with your sweet yet meaningless actions... It hurts so bad Aiden... It hurts..." I talked to myself, trying to hold back my tears.

"Han? Are you okay?" I turned to my side to see who was talking and it was Harvey, one of Aiden's close friends. He was there in the toilet before me but I didn't realize it.

"Harvey!" I looked at him with wide-open eyes in surprise, scared that he heard what I just said to myself. Even though it was very pretty thin and soundless, I'm scared that he caught what I said.

"Why are you so surprised?" He laughs

"Uh? Oh, no reasons..." I open the sink tap and pretend to wash my hands.

"You're okay Han? Your eyes are pretty watery... Here I have tissues in my pocket" He takes out the tissues and wipes my tears that I didn't realize were actually dripping down to my cheeks. I was so disturbed by the idea of him actually hearing what I said to myself that I didn't really think much about the fact that he was wiping my tears while cupping my face. I mean Harvey has always been like this, not just to me, but to everyone he did this. It's just naturally him being nice so of course I don't mind. He always helps the teachers carry books to the class, helps the janitor sometimes to clean the toilet, and helps the juniors with their homework. He's just naturally kind.

Suddenly I heard a knock from the main door of the toilet. Harvey and I just stare at the door while it is repeatedly being knocked. It was until the door was opened by force and broken, it was Aiden. He ran towards me and Harvey. It was pretty surprising to us that we stopped in the middle of him wiping my tears and still cupping my face. Aiden looks at me for a second until he realizes Harvey's hand replacement. He quickly grabbed Harvey's hand and pushed it away from my face.

"Why are you cupping his face? Just what the hell is up with both of you guys suddenly being around Han?" Aiden said. Harvey looks at Aiden with a confused face.

"I don't know what you're talking about but I was just wiping his face from tears," Harvey said

Aiden then quickly turned to me and cupped my face.

"Were you crying? Why? Are you fine? Tell me, Han!" The worried expression on his face. I don't know if it's just because I like him or it was just him genuinely being worried about me.

I didn't want to long things and wanted to return to the class quickly so I just gave him a warm smile, I think, and told him that I was just fine.

"It was just dust that got into my eyes. That's why I rushed to the toilet because it hurt so bad. Sorry if I make you overthink. I'm fine, I promise you."

"Thankfully..." He said as he embraced me into his body.

Time was once again stopped. Suddenly the toilet was no longer disgusting, for a moment it was a flower garden. I can smell the scents of blooming flowers, birds chirping, and the light from the sun. It was wonderful but I realized that it was all just a fantasy and I needed to get out. I pushed him slightly and told him that I was going to the class.