chapter 21: heart of a denial

It has been a week since Mabel and Aiden started dating, Aiden always leaves home to have a date with Mabel every night since then. My parents seemed to be aware of how often he was out of the house and also speculated that he is recently dating.

A week is never enough time for you to move on, additionally, he's living under the same roof as mine. Whenever it's only us at the dinner table, Aiden will tell me about Mabel, how well his dating goes, how much he adores her, and how much he loves her. It hurts me so much to listen to his stories with his face lit up brighter every time the word 'Mabel' left his mouth.

"...and she ordered cheesecake. I was hungry at that time but I hid it. Guess what? She managed to know that I was hungry and proceeded to spoon-feed me the cake. God, that's a moment to remember." He said in excitement.

"That means she's the one then if she knows you're hungry even without words" I know when you're hungry even if you didn't tell me Aiden...

"I can't believe after two years, she's finally mine... Thank you, Han."

"For what? I literally did nothing, like, seriously nothing other than accusing you of being a liar." I laughed. If only I didn't, you would probably still be mine.

"Somehow you're the reason why I managed to confess to her. I guess it's because I don't want you to see me as a liar... For some reason, being accused of being a liar felt so devastating, so please don't do that again, Han."

There he went again, but this flirt didn't feed my fantasies, instead, he tore them even more. I really need to cry right now.

"You wash the dishes tonight! I'm going to bed!" I made a joke before going upstairs to my room. As I closed the door, my tears didn't wait any second longer. How long am I supposed to keep this feeling? In love with someone who doesn't love you back is agonizing god. Please, make it stop.

*

"Aiden!" Mabel yelled in the hallway as she rushed towards Aiden, who was next to me. Aiden then brushed her hair with his hands, exchanging smiles between them. Who am I to deny, they both look good together.

"Han, here's my letter for you." I turned to my back and it was a group of boys with letters on their hands.

"Oh, sure!" The moment the texture of the envelope touched the surface of my index and thumb, all the memories started to rush back. The memories of Aiden wouldn't confess to Mabel if I didn't confront him about my letters. With the memories coming back, and Aiden being all lovey with Mabel, I can't stay there anymore and walk to my class, leaving Aiden alone.

Ever since Aiden started dating Mabel, I no longer have motivation for school. When people say that History is depressing, I started to understand why. History class has never been this boring before. The only thing that I'm excited about while at school is when it's over, although I'll have to go back tomorrow.

"You seem very... dull lately Han..." Saff said. I guess my face really shows it.

"It's about Aiden isn't it?" I quickly turned my head to Saff, fuck.

"Then I guess I'm correct." Maybe it's because of how open Saff has been towards me that I feel it's safe to do the same towards him.

"I wish I wasn't so overboard about him throwing my letters away. I said the thing that triggered him so much that he felt the need to confess was when I accused him of being a liar. If only I didn't, he would probably still be mine." I expressed. Saff doesn't look so surprised when I show him this part of me, but he has the concern and feels bad expressions.

"This is all my fault, if I didn't get so close to you, people wouldn't start stupid rumors. I didn't even try to deny it when Aiden asked me, I thought he was just joking"

"No... It's not your fault at all. It's my fault for falling in love with him, my fault that I chose to romanticize our little interaction with the idea of him liking me back simultaneously. Although at the very start, the only reason we started to get so close was because he asked me to help him get Mabel, he already made it clear that he already has someone in mind..." That's right, I was just so stupid and let my fantasies guide me. It hurts me when I remember how those sweet interactions between us are probably nothing to him other than just good friend behaviors.

"Anyways, I saw Sarah has recently come back to school already, has she told you yet her answer?" I asked, trying to move the topic.

"Well... She and I have started dating since this Monday." I formed an open mouth smile in surprise, and couldn't believe what I just heard.

"Wait, really?! She agrees to date you?" Saff replied with a satisfied smile while nodding.

"Why did it take her so long to agree though? She ghosted you for a week." I asked

"Like what you said, she wouldn't be absent unless serious circumstances happened. She was absent for a week because she had to go to Canada for her grandma's funeral. Her whole family was so surprised by the news that after the call they quickly drove to the airport and bought the tickets without even a suitcase. She didn't even shower. Unfortunately, because of her messy, still half awakeness, she accidentally left her phone."

"Did you say that you are also saddened about her grandma passing?"

"I did tell her but she said it's okay because she wasn't really sad and affected by it. She's not that close with that one grandma of hers. For the whole time during the funeral, she just dozed off." He laughed. I ended up laughing at how unserious she sounded. Also because it was relatable.

"Finally you're smiling... Don't be so down, you're making me feel weird. The tension feels so awkward when you're down" Saff said. I turned my head to him and gave a warm genuine smile. It's somehow amazing how I used to hate Saff so badly and now, he's one of the closest friends I have.

"Thank you, Saff... Let's go back to class, I still haven't finished my proposal writing homework."

"Chill, there's no English class today."

"Saff, new timetable." Saff quickly ran to the class without me after finding out that there was a new timetable starting this week, no wonder he left many books this week.

To be honest, when I'm feeling down, I actually prefer staying inside the class during break time. However, when Aiden and Mabel started dating, I just couldn't stay inside there.

"But I like it purple better, like when you heard my name, Mabel, don't you see purple?" Mabel said, who was sitting on Aiden's table meanwhile Aiden sat on his chair, probably only five centimeters away.

"Not sure, but I do see love." He gave Mabel his warm smile. The way he ends the sentence with a soft polite knuckle. The way he brushed Mabel's right arm to stop her from cringing over Aiden's flirt. The way I just wished he would do the same to me, but not while seeing me only as a friend, I want something more than that.

However, reality will always hit you harder to the ground, somehow harder than a bulldozer does. If only I knew and realized sooner that my sweet interactions with him would end just like that, I would adore them more. I was brought back from dozing off by the request for help from my other classmates. I decided to turn my focus back to my writing instead of hurting myself with the view of two love birds who are only four tables away from me, yet their conversation is still very clear to listen to.

*

It's kind of useless for me if I wish school would end quickly so that I can go home instead of dealing with this agonizing pain. At home, Aiden is still all about Mabel, although indirectly. It once clicked when I remembered that there was a rumor about Aiden always bringing his girlfriend home, but until now he still hasn't. I was so lit up at that moment because it brought me to the idea that he didn't actually date Mabel. I wanted to ask him why he still hasn't brought Mabel here but then I remembered the reason why he suddenly had the urge to confess, it was because of my false accusation. I'm scared that Aiden will think that I accused him as a liar if I asked him to bring Mabel home when I actually should have been grateful for it. If Aiden brings Mabel home, he might as well introduce her to my parents, and seeing my parents encouraging and supporting their relationship would strengthen their relationship and that would kill me...

"Aiden? Going out again?" My mom asked

"Yes, mom... Can I?" He asked.

"Finish your biology homework first, then you're allowed." My dad said.

"Don't worry, I have finished it already when I come back from school earlier." Mabel really got him excited, he had never done his homework early, and sometimes he didn't even do it. If she manages to make him like this then I guess there's nothing to be hoped for anymore.

"If that's the case then you're allowed, have fun."

"Have fun Aiden!" I waved at him with a smile, trying not to be obvious that inside, I actually wanted to cry.

The moment the door was closed and Aiden was out of sight, I quickly ran upstairs to his room. I still have the hope that he's lying and this whole dating Mabel thing is just for him to hide his reasons on why he threw my letters away. I went straight to his study table and there it was, the biology homework. The mix of nervousness and excitement increases as I flip the pages of the book. Suddenly I arrived on a freshly written page, I looked at the top of the page and it was the date of today. Slowly, my eyes moved downward to the bottom of the page. He didn't lie, he really had finished his homework.

The nervousness and excitement were washed away by the huge tsunami of disappointments. It engulfed the whole positive me, leaving me drowning without help. I slowly closed the book to a hard-covered page with his name sticker on the top right of the book, below it was a printed "biology homework". My legs felt weak, my heart felt so painful, so painful that I thought I was having a panic attack. However, I still need to go down to finish my dinner that was left halfway.

"Why did you run so fast Han?" My mom asked at the dining table.

"Just checking whether Aiden lied or not about already finishing his homework."

"You're doubting his abilities in study? "That's not good son, don't do that." My dad advised he was right though. Why am I so negative towards Aiden?

"Your father is right, but I do see why though Han. I have never seen Aiden like this before, has he got himself a girlfriend?" My mom leaned her body closer to who was sitting right across from me. My father also got invested in the idea of Aiden getting a girlfriend and proceeding to act the same as my mom. I went quiet for a few seconds, thinking whether to tell them or not. I don't want to tell my parents about Aiden dating, not because I respect his privacy, but more because I don't want them to approve of their relationship.

"Not sure mom dad but to be honest, I also think he has one." I joked. Suffering in silence is somehow the best choice for me right now. I can't just tell my parents that I like Aiden! Although they already know about my sexuality and support me, it feels like a loser to tell people you have a crush on someone who has already been taken by someone else.

"Are mom and dad fine though if Aiden does dating?" I asked in curiosity.

"We're fine, but only if he introduces her to his family first. We will only approve if his parents approve. But if he is our child, I will do fine though." My dad explained.

"Aiden is too handsome, he's just so attractive. If no girls like him then that would have been so surprising."

Mom is right, Aiden is just too attractive for girls to ignore. Many beautiful girls like him, and all left for him to do is choose which one to date. Who am I to be his choice, I should have known better to not let my delusional self carry me.