83. It was my fault...

According to Thomas, he and his disgusting friends just wanted to see if the drug worked. Apparently, the initial plan was to lead me outside and leave me there, but seeing how obedient and submissive I became, they decided to tweak their plan, they couldn't resist because I was a "hot babe" and looked like a "fun fuck" and it was my fault for leaving my drink at a strange table. The man didn't even try to sound remorseful, he was not even sorry, and hearing all this slowly pushed me to my limits because a part of me really felt like it was my fault but that didn't stop the anger from brewing. I wanted to reap his mouth off his face, I wanted him to experience what he and his goons did to me, it took everything I had not to bang his stupid head against the wall. I mean the things he was saying, it was like he was begging to be killed.

The longer I stayed, the more my heart beat uncontrollably, the air became thick, and I began to suffocate, I couldn't breathe and I couldn't even say a single thing because the self-blame part of me became louder, I kept thinking "He is right, is my fault if only I had not been there...". I remember bolting out of the room while he was in the middle of obnoxiously blaming me for getting violated by him and his buddies, I felt sick, I felt dirty, and the images of that night kept replaying as I ran out of that room. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch something, I wanted to bury myself, those men gave themselves permission to push, punch me, and kiss me. They permitted themselves to run their hands all over my body, MY BODY, and it was my fault it happened.

I thought knowing what made them do it would make me feel better or make it easier to heal, but it didn't. It just made everything worse, I was a victim of some people's stupidity and it was my fault. I felt like I had just been hit by tons of bricks. 

"Ms.. Are you okay? your phone has been ringing...you don't look fine...do you need anything.", I was not even aware that I had wandered into a strange room, and it was only when the nurse shook me that I began to make sense of my surroundings. I was not at the entrance and that was not the parking lot. I smiled at the pretty lady in white who held a worried face, she pointed at my phone which was in my hand still going off like crazy.

I looked at the screen and saw Sandra's name, it was hard to talk to her these days, her schedule was tight and we could go weeks without talking, normally, I would be excited to pick up, but I couldn't, I knew what she would ask and I was not ready, so I just let the call go to voicemail. Shortly, a text followed, sure enough urging me to talk to a professional and assuring me that it was not my fault, I can't recall the number of times I heard that, anyone who knew kept saying that, hell I even believed that at some point, but talking to Thomas made it clear as day, it was my fault. I felt my heart picking up again and luckily I saw the exit sign so I just followed it until I was at the main entrance, and my car was right in front of my eyes.

The moment my eyes fell on my car, I just let my legs carry me to it. I sat on the driver's side and stared at the huge "handicap" sign in front of me, damn! it hit me, not only did I not get the closure I needed but I parked in the wrong spot, I inconvenienced someone who needed the spot. I remember thinking, "I deserved what I got, I am bad, how can I park at a handicap spot when I am okay". I began scrutinizing every small bad thing I ever did, it felt like this was my punishment. 

I began hitting my steering wheel and yelling, I felt guilt, shame, anger, and frustration, all directed toward me and I took it all out on my car, the violence was accompanied by screams. After a few minutes of yelling and letting out my anger, I finally felt calm enough to go home to drown my good-for-nothing self in that bottle of vodka I left on the kitchen counter.

I started my engine, preparing to leave but I was stopped by a tall man I saw through the rearview mirror, blocking my way. At first, I thought great, it was the hospital security and I was going to get fined or my car was about to get clamped for parking in the wrong spot. It was only when I noticed that the person was not moving nor was he saying anything, he just stood there, waiting for me to come out of the car and I instantly felt creeped out, and frightened. It wasn't long before my brain went to that night and I began shaking terribly as I scoured through my handbag for my pepper spray. This time I was not going to go down without a fight. Before getting off, I took a closer look at the man through all my mirrors to gauge his physical strength and that's when I saw him waving.

"Walter?" I mumbled unsure as I got out of the car to see who was begging for a beating and indeed it was him. Just in a different outfit, a black sweater, and a puffer jacket, unzipped.

"You told me to wait. Remember?", He said softly,

And I subconsciously looked at my time because it had been over an hour and I asked him to wait for 15 minutes, I honestly didn't think he would, "I am sorry. I didn't think- I mean I am sor-", in the speed of light, he flashed over to snuggle me in his arms,

"You fool", he whispered as he sighed heavily, 

I was instantly taken over by the familiar scent that suddenly filled my nostrils and the familiar warm embrace somehow managed to calm me down. It took me back to a me that never went through what I did, it reminded me of how good I used to be, of how safe the world used to seem. I felt tears flood my eyes, for the first time, I was crying because I was sad and hurting. I was crying because I lost something, that night took away a huge part of me and I wanted it back, maybe that was the real reason I needed to talk to these men. I just needed an apology and assurance that it was not my fault.

As I sniffled and pressed my nose against his chest, he squeezed me even tighter, "It's not your fault... You hear me, it's not your fault.", again, those famous words, then whose fault was it? Because they wouldn't have done that if I had protected my drink.

With a shaky voice, I cried, "I never should've gone to that club. It is my fault and we all know it.", there it was! I finally said it out loud, someone had to say it so they could stop lying to me when the truth was, I did that to myself.