84. Sandra's plan

 A few days had gone by since my encounter with Walter, but he disappeared again after that night at the hospital, to be fair, he did spend an awful amount of time and effort trying to convince me that it was not my fault, and I will forever appreciate him for that, but just as appeared, he disappeared again. Normally I would've chased after him, but with everything that had been happening to me, I never thought to search for him, to be honest, I was spiraling, I had stopped talking to most of my friends. I was now permanently working from home, I had developed new fears: crowded places, and men gazing at me, I couldn't stop looking over my shoulder. I hated the way their looks made me feel, more like, it scared me, I wondered what they were thinking, were they perhaps thinking I looked like a good fuck. So for my peace of mind, I stopped going out, thank goodness for home deliveries, I never had to leave my apartment. As an additional safety measure, I buried myself in my work to stop my mind from wandering off or thinking too hard because a second didn't go by without thinking of how I could've avoided the whole ordeal. 

If I wasn't working, I was drinking myself to sleep, not a single night went by where I didn't dream of that video, of that night. I was disgusted by my own reflection so I had covered all the mirrors in my place, I felt like I was living in a cold place, and the worst part is I felt like I deserved it. It was my punishment. Regret, fear, shame, and agony, were the only feelings I had left, I had sunk into an unhappy dark place filled with nothing but constant torment.

Despite cutting off contact with my friends, they never stopped trying, every day, I would get a text or voicemail messages begging me to stay strong and reminding me of my worth, but in the space I was in, all those messages felt like a burden. Most of those messages were from Sandra also checking how I was doing and asking about therapy, I had not really disclosed the fact that I wasn't booked with any specialist, in fact, there are a lot of things I did not disclose, like my new fears and the house arrest I had put myself under.

It was another dead Friday afternoon, and I just landed and signed the biggest client of my life. It was supposed to be a happy moment, the ultimate milestone of my career, well, I know it was because we had a short day and my colleagues went out to celebrate with the client, a client I landed and I couldn't even go. I was still in my pj's and my hair was messy, in fact, I hadn't been grooming myself like I usually did, If you saw me on the streets, you'd mistake me for a druggie or homeless person. Just as I was about to open a bottle of vodka, which recently became my favorite, I got jump-scared by my doorbell. My phone ringing was not unusual, but my doorbell almost gave me a mini heart attack because no one knew my address, except for Sandra and Angela. But I freaked out because I knew it couldn't be either of them, Sandra was away on duty and Angela was overseas for her NGO, besides, I wasn't expecting any deliveries. So I let my bell ring a couple of times, hoping it would stop, but it didn't and I was beginning to get even more agitated, who the hell was at my door? 

I ran to check the door video and I was astounded by what I saw. Walter was at my front door, and even more shockingly, I never gave him the address. 

I slightly opened the door enough to peek my head through, "What are you doing here?", 

I saw him jolt a little and for a split second, I saw a bit of panic in his eyes, but he quickly regained his composure and raised his hand to show me two coffees, "I brought Coffee..."

I sighed heavily, and pointed to the floor using my head, "Umh, leave it at the do-", before I could finish Walter was already waltzing into my house.

I was a mess, and it was his first time seeing me in such a state, I could see the horror in his face and his OCD was kicking in, he began picking up some of the trash from the floor, and I just watched him nonchalantly, not sure if I should explain or just let it be.

"Thandie....what the hell??", he said seeing the bunch of alcohol bottles lined up by my sink and the closed one on the counter, 

"Oh, that... I will.."

He moved closer, and touched my face, "Okay, forget that....when was the last time you went out?", he pointed at the trash bags by the door. 

I stopped trying to explain, I knew the place looked like a mess and I looked like a zombie, that's exactly why I didn't want anyone coming to my place, not at least now, while I was figuring out things, I marched to my vodka bottle, and with a cold tone, I muttered, "What are you doing here Walter?"

He simply said, "Sandra..." leaving me confused,

"Sandra?", I asked expecting him to elaborate further,

He moved closer to the kitchen counter, "Yeah, she sent me a DM on Facebook asking me to check on you because she hasn't heard from you in a while...", he looked around the place, "And I now think her wariness is beyond justified because...wow!"

Although I wasn't completely happy to see him, a part of me was excited, knowing that he worried about me, but at that point, hearing that he came because of Sandra, the idea that Walter might really not be into me as I was into him did cross my mind.

I was disappointed, to be honest, I didn't know my face would become any darker but it did, and I was sad, "Oh I see, you are only here because Sandra asked you-", 

Walter instantly jumped, "No, of course not. I wanted to come too.", I rolled my eyes at his generic answer, but he got serious.

He looked down at his hands and guilt instantly washed over him, "I have just been ashamed and embarrassed. I feel responsible for what happened to you. Angela told me that you started going to clubs looking for me..."