89. I understand...

"Do you love me?", I asked

He did not respond to my question immediately, in fact, he kept quiet for far longer than he should have and all I could do - was to wait for him anxiously, it felt suffocating, and his silence was heart-wrenching. He had no problem saying it before, although he only ever said it once - it was enough. It was enough for me to create the whole map of our relationship in my head, to design everything, down to the littlest detail. But this time, he couldn't say it, 'did he change his mind? Have his feelings changed?', that was all I could think as I quietly watched the man struggle to answer my question...and I was too anxious to even ask anything else, I was scared of what he would say next.

After what seemed like a lifetime, He sighed heavily, "Thandie....I--I care about you deeply...I-"

My heart sank and I blurted out, "Do you not love me Walter?", with a sharper tone, feeling hurt, my pride taking its biggest blow. 'Did he not love me anymore? Why can't he say it?', I thought If he could say it, then I could forgive him, everything would be forgotten and nothing else would matter, I was getting desperate, I didn't want him to say he didn't love me. 

"I do love you Thandie...", he said vanquishing all my worries in a matter of seconds, ignoring the 'but' that was coming, my heart just dropped in relief, and I felt a bit of excitement. That was the best I have felt in a long time since my talk with one of my perpetrators. Just as I was about to voice out my excitement, Walter dropped the remainder of his statement...

"...but not as much as you love me. I fear is not the same as you...", and just like that, the man sucked out whatever happiness I had in me, I now felt worse than before. What did that even mean? Do I love him too much? What is it?, I was going crazy...not in a nice way. I felt like I was losing my nickels.

I stood up in a daze and walked to the kitchen sink to get myself a glass of water. I felt like I've been lying to myself this whole time. What was this man saying to me? 

His eyes fell on me while I direct the glass to my lips, "Don't get me wrong, I am just saying my love is not enough because it seems you are willing to risk everything, including your own life to be with me and I am not, I can't... I don't harbor that 'us against the world' kind of love, I can't risk your life like that... I love you, but is not as important as keeping you alive and happy. I would like to see you safe and well. I'm a curse Thandie, loving me will bring nothing but pain and suffering, and I love you enough to protect you from that...."

I could see his lips moving and I could hear the sound coming out of his mouth, but I could only pick up keywords, 'love', 'curse', 'enough', and 'safe'. I was starting to feel numb...and the loudest noise I kept hearing was, 'Don't harbor the 'us against the world' love'. For the first time that evening, Walter sounded determined and sure of himself which made the whole ordeal even harder to grasp. I couldn't get it, where was the man who followed me to Silverton? The man who flew back to my place just because I said I missed him? The man who followed me to Cape Town to make sure I was okay? The man who would make excuses just to spend more time with me? Where was he? Because I couldn't recognize the man in front of me, the man who was not even shaken by my tears, the man who was not bothered by the fact that I was suffocating?

"I understand.", was all I could manage to say to stop him from talking. I didn't want to hear any of it anymore, I was not strong enough to handle it, If only I had not pushed and followed him the way I did. In fact, if only I had not expected more out of our relationship and if only I didn't love him, I would have protected myself from what felt like the biggest heartbreak of my life.