Chapter 115: The Pangings Of An Insecure Heart

Dean's Bedroom, The Kennison Estate, Latimer Ave, Baltiney, New York...

 From the moment Dean Hudson awoke to find that he'd once more been in bed alone, he felt a sudden emptiness that he had been trying his hardest to ignore when it came to his arrangement with Ken Ryker. He had made it no secret that he'd fallen in love with the older man and that he desired nothing more than to be with him for as long as possible and Ken had made it abundantly clear that he wasn't the type to want to settle down, not willingly at least. His upcoming marriage to the rather spirited younger woman he'd gotten pregnant in a rather curious situation, had been only occurring due to his fear of being placed in the sanatarium due to his parents not believing him mentally competent ever since the tragic deaths of his wife and sons and the car accident that nearly ended his life. 

 Dean had been with other men, not very good men throughout his young life and fumbling journey to finding out his sexual identity but he had never been with a man like Ken Ryker, let alone dreamed of being with someone like him in the past. He'd been as dashing and wealthy as the men in Dean's television shows and many old romance novels with something more, the apparent black cloud that followed him around made him less of a person hellbent on putting up pretenses and more of a man who lived life in the moment, not to impress those that see him as more than he was but because he simply felt like it. 

Dean had been among those caught up in the grand spectacle that had been Ken Ryker but unlike those who had seen only Ryker Kennison and his former deeds as heroism when it came down to it, Dean had loved Ken, the man who took it upon himself to not only show him how life could be if he'd bothered to take a chance or two in his own right but a man who had truly showed and interest outside of sex and went out of his way to care for him when no one else bothered to. 

Being born the way he was and treated as poorly in his childhood as he had been, Dean had never seen himself being able to love anyone, and never once did it cross his mind that someone would care enough to love him in return. While he'd been running from the sheer force of his ever-present feelings for Ken, they had not been far behind the redhead on the beach seemed to bring them more to the forefront when he'd indulged due to jealousy for the first time in his young life. 

As Dean lay in bed naked and contemplating, he had indeed wondered where his life would have taken him had he not been with Ken, the wealthy older man had welcomed him into his home, given him a purpose more or less outside of being an object used for only sex, and he'd even managed to get the lad back into school and into a rather impressive position as his assistant when the time came for him to go back to work at the company he'd founded. 

Dean didn't seem to care about Ken's vulgarity nor his wild mood swings and chronic drug and alcohol consumption, he had known he'd been prone to violent outbursts and aggressive tendencies now and again but it never seemed to bother him, of course, he never really elected to show the lad that side of him but Dean had been more than aware that Ken wasn't all sunshine and roses. His sexual exploits had bordered on fiendish and addiction but it wasn't anything a hot-blooded teenage young lad like Dean couldn't handle he'd been prone to an addiction of sorts to sex as well as drugs since his time in captivity and living with Spyder before he'd met Ken. 

Thinking back to how Ryker Kennison had been in the videos with his lovely wife Sera and his two handsome young sons, Dean had found that he'd become increasingly jealous when it came to Ken, although he didn't know if he'd been jealous of Sera and the devotional love and care he showed her or the boys who had been his whole world before their tragic demise.

It was a surreal experience, like looking into another place in time as Dean began to realize that he and Ken never would have met had Sera and the boys not been killed in the plane crash, nor if Valencia Ramos had not betrayed his trust by purposely tricking him into getting her pregnant. He would have still been on that street corner or in Spyder's stable waiting for the next man to suck and screw who had little to no regard for him, his body, or his rather tragic life. 

It still pained Dean despite his attempts to hide the fact that he'd wanted more out of his arrangement with Ken Ryker that the older man's heart had been as cold as ice when it came to love. Sera had gotten it all, and his boys the remainder before their passing. The broken shell of a man left behind had not been interested in love and family, only sex and self-gratification. In a way Dean couldn't altogether blame Ken for the way he was, he'd lost everything that truly mattered to him when it was all said and done and he didn't owe anyone else anything more than he'd been willing to give. 

Sera's death had such a tremendous effect on him that he nearly destroyed himself in a bid to escape the pain of having lost her and his children, his lack of memory about how much he loved her had been a boon in the long run as there was no way Ryker Kennison would have ever wanted to see another day with her, not in his arms. It was clear even to Dean's young inexperienced mind that Ken Ryker had been born a rebellious survivor and his will to live life on his own terms is what kept the poor man going in the face of all the unstated torment and heartbreak. 

Still, when it came down to it, no one had ever loved Dean the way Ryker Kennison loved his wife and sons and Dean had never loved anyone the way he had Ken Ryker.