ch.19: the past is haunting me, let go and set me free

I started to wake up and I was in a white room I quickly sat up and saw Andy, Danny, Juliet, inna, cc, Jake, violet, and hale. And I said, " where am I?" Violet said, " the nurses station. When Andy gave you a bear hug you kind of flipped out and the fainted." I sighed, " okay well when can we head back?" Then they just looked at each other, and Danny said " well the park is closed, and we were just about to head back. But you tried to flee like the plague." I sighed and said, " can we just head back to the cabins please." I got up and walked out.

I didn't want those damn memories back. I finally forgot about them then when I ran II felt pieces and shock waves coming back. But after a while we finally got back and I just went out to the beach in the back with my notebook, phone and earbuds.

I went through my playlist, and I found break the cycle by motionless in white. And I hit play. I turned the volume on full and let the lyrics flood through my head, and I grabbed my pencil and let creative ideas flow.

I let my world fade, but the past will remain I have missing pieces of my heart and yet I still feel the same. When I speak, I feel the strings, pulling me to the blank. I have thought many times yet I try to hide the pain. I see myself getting no where yet people scream my name. Am I living a dream or nightmare. Maybe I am just a fake.

I was then ripped out of my thoughts when I felt someone tap on my shoulder and I saw juliet and I said, "hey?" She sat down next to me and asked, " you okay?" I sigh and said, " I have been asked that my whole life. And I always say I am okay, or I am fine." She moved closer and said, " do you ever mean it?" I looked to the water and said, " no. Not even once." There was this awkward silence then she asked, " Haley what was the past?" I felt a tear fall and I said, " my nightmare that continues forever."

She gave me a slight hug and said, " well do you want to talk about it?" I sighed and said, " maybe one day." She then said, " okay. Well I am gonna head back in and Haley when you want to talk we will be there for you." She got up and headed back in. I got up and I put my notebook on the porch and grabbed my phone and took a walk on the beach. I hit play and savior came on I looked down to the sand, and let my thoughts go blank.

I started to whisper, " I never wanted this. I want a new life. I needed a new exit. A way to get out of hell, out of my nightmare. But I feel trapped and broken. And yet I still pick up the pieces of a shattered heart. Crumbling walls, hiding the pain, scars, and the truth. I need to escape my past. But it will remain the same way. I remembered the lyric from creatures. ' you can always rinse the surface but the stain will remain.' And what do I know is that the song creatures started to play.

I felt a few tears shed, and I started to walk back and I smelled something burning which made me curious but once I got closer I saw someone having a small campfire. I waved hi as I passed them. And well I got back to my cabin and I got the futon which was comfortable but I didn't feel like getting into pajamas. So I just headed to bed and I still had my two stuffed animals. My one my mom gave me and my one that I have had since I was a baby. But I cuddled up to them and fell asleep.

Back home

So we got back and it was almost Halloween and I was going to walk around for a while but I went during the day. But I was thinking since I am finally eighteen I could get a tattoo. But my dad said, and I quote, ' if you go get a tattoo I am coming with to get another.' I still remember that to this day. And I thought he was crazy but I texted Lauren and asked her if she knew anyone or any place nearby. And she said, no but either check with Andy or ash. So I texted ash, and asked him, he said, I don't know so I texted Andy and asked him.

He said, there was one on the outskirts of town and I told him thanks. But I looked it up and it said, that it's an hour away. But I wanted a tattoo in memory of mom and I had this planned out. I wanted to get a heart that had a line then it went the heart then the line went dead. But I wanted it get it in black ink, on my left wrist. And well I called and asked, he said tomorrow there is an opening so I agreed and then he said okay, I gave him my name and number and then ended the call.

But I planned that and well it was almost Halloween and well I have decided that I was going to do a solo career and I have been getting a lot of videos posted of me from a few shows and they have over 4 thousand views. So I am still star struck but hey that's what I get. But I am happy and very thankful. But I have been keeping in touch with everyone, bvb and aa. But I did get a text from scarlet the other day.

But I have been having thoughts run through my head ever since the day that we were at cedar point. But a lot of weird things have been happening lately, and well I have met a guy he is super cute and very caring, but we will be forever in the friendzone and I am completely happy with that. But Andy texted me and told me that tour is moved back to November tenth. So I didn't even start practicing and I am not even packed yet. But meh I have a little time. Besides what could go wrong.