7: blow this house, house down

"Like fuck, I want to hear about that," I said and Nate laughed as he spun around in my chair.

Instead of calling, Nate invited himself over and we have been talking about him and Kegan and all I have to say is that he has more game than me.

And he has been shit-talking Kegan for the past 15 minutes. I'm all here for Kegan Slander, so I have been listening intently.

"Like I love him but like he's making me want to just-." Nate stops, reaches over, and starts aggressively strangling my pillow. 

"This doesn't sound healthy."

Nate rolled his eyes.

"It is, because. I just, no matter how much he gets on my nerves, I just can't help but love him. I know we have been dating for like a week but I just love him and his handsome face. God, he's so handsome and his hair—ah, it's adorable—and his braces—he's just so handsome. Those chocolate brown eyes and he has little freckles—god, he's so FINE," Nate said. Yeah, it sounds healthy, I guess. 

"Sorry."

"You should be; I have heard this rant like four times," I said and Nate just laughed. It wasn't a joke but okay.

"I just. Like when we were in the locker room, I was suddenly nothing to him. He refuses to put labels on whatever we are and that just makes me irritated. Like I understand, well, I don't, but I do at the same time, and when certain friends of his are around, he'll avoid me like the plague. No bunny, no Nate, nothing. He won't even talk to me," Nate said and he stood up and laid down on my bed.

"I understand. Have you talked to him about it?" I asked.

"Yes and he just kisses me or calls me bunny and I of course fall for him like an idiot," Nate says.

"Oh, that can be irritating."

"For real," Nate said, turning around and lying down on his back.

"He is very condescending and you are easily manipulated, which makes this station harder," I said and Nate just grumbled.

"Exactly. That's why I can't talk to him about anything serious because he's like, Oh, Nate, this. Oh, Nate's mad at me so. Like it's your fault; I'm mad at you. If he calls me, I'm going to tell him to fuck off and end the call," Nate said.

"I believe in you," I said and Nate nodded.

"How about you? I take it you and Elijah are starting to become a thing." Nate asked me with this flirty look on his face.

"No."

"Really? When he came back from outside the diner, he looked. Actually, he looked pretty indifferent, but he looked happy or something, I don't know. He had the same look Kegan has; when I don't know, he won't tell me what the look means," Nate said. 

"Well, he tried to kiss me and I got all awkward so I pulled back and freaked out. I feel bad because I wanted to kiss him but I just couldn't because I was all messed up," I said.

"Did you explain to him?"

"No," I said sheepishly and Nate sighed.

"Okay, wait back to that look-." I was interrupted by the FaceTime incoming call thing. I watched as a point 5 of Kegan's big ass head pop up on Nate's phone screen.

His comment earlier about telling him to fuck off and end the call was short-lived.

"What fuckwad?" Nate asked, answering the call.

"Hi bunny, wait, where are you?" a shirtless Kegan and now the ceiling said.

"Hi loser," I said, peaking my head into the phone.

"Hi," Kegan said.

"What do you want?" Nate asked.

"Can't I just call you Bunny?" Kegan said, smiling at the phone like an idiot and with this hazy, horny look on his face. Nasty. Downright nasty.

"That's the look."

"What look?"

"I'm not talking to you, baldy," Nate said, looking at me. "That's the look I was talking about earlier. I don't know what it means."

God, I'm getting all icky with love right now.

"Mom's making pizza rolls; you want some?" Elijah? I know my sexy fake boyfriend's voice from anywhere.

"Yes, please," Kegan said, looking up behind the camera.

"Bunny, Alex, say hi to Elijah," Kegan said, flipping the camera.

Respectfully. RESPECTFULLY I need him right now in an unhealthy way.

He was also shirtless and in jean shorts, similar to the pair he had on yesterday, that went right above his knee.

He has a six-pack and he has a very nicely defined body. He was big and sexy, and I needed him.

Look at those shoulders, oh my god.

Elijah got into the bed and Kegan flipped the camera back over.

Kegan put his head on Elijah's shoulder and leaned up so Elijah could put his hand on his shoulder.

"Alex? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, uh yeah," I said, rubbing my eyes.

Elijah looked concerned.

"Nate, if he starts freaking out, go get his brother, please." when he cares about you.

"I'm okay, Elijah; thank you," I said with a small smile.

Nate muted the FaceTime.

"What's wrong?" he asked me.

"I want him in an unhealthy way and I want to mother his love children," I said. Despite that not being possible, I'm going to pretend like I didn't just say or think that.

"Honey, are you okay? What's with the look? Hey, wait, I want to know what Alex said," Kegan said and Nate unmuted the call.

"I don't think I'm going to tell you," Nate said with a concerned look on his face.

"Hey, wait, tell me; I want to know," Kegan whined.

"No," Nate said sternly

Kegan sighed and rested his head deeper on Elijah's shoulder.

"Look at your stupid 6'2 big baby ass boyfriend," Elijah said, grabbing the camera and showing Kegan and his limbs awkwardly tangled together

Nate smiled at the phone.

Kegan snatched the phone back and went back to the awkward angle between him and Elijah.

I scooched closer to Nate so I could get a better look at my man's sexy face and shoulders. 

Nate looked at me and then back at the camera.

"What?" I mouthed.

"You're sick for that comment; I'm never forgetting that," Nate said out loud and I watched as my face got red.

"Baby, tell me," Kegan whined again.

"It was weird; trust me, you do not want to know," I said.

"Now I'm interested in who's making you blush like that," Elijah said. And I watched as both his and Kegan's eyes shot up.

"Thank you, momma," Elijah said, going out of the camera view.

"Okay, baby, I'll call you later; tell me when you get home. Kisses." and his face disappeared.

Nate looked at me. 

"I think that you should have explained that to him. Explain instead of just walking away or running in your case," Nate said, sitting up in my bed and looking at me.

"I know, but I just-." I stopped myself. 

I sighed.

I wish I was good at feelings, I really wish I was. 

"How are you so good at feelings?"

"Feelings?"

"Yes, feelings. How are you good at expressing yourself?" I asked Nate.

"I think you are pretty good at expressing yourself, just not out loud."

"Doesn't that defeat the purpose of expressing myself then? If I can't express myself out loud, then that defeats the purpose of expression," I explained.

Nate gave me an indifferent look.

"I don't think it does. Expression does not have to be out loud; it can be like body language. Or looks or just listening. That is an expression. You are good at that. You are good at expressing your feelings and who you are based on body language, and you are a great listener. I think you are good at expressing yourself," Nate said.

Body language?

"Is body language like the-."

"Body language is your demeanor, like glances and looks when you are relaxed around certain people. Like, well I don't know what happened with you and Elijah outside, but his body language coming back; even when he was rejected, he came back and his demeanor was up and he looked indifferent but not sad, so I don't know," Nate said.

Should I tell him?

My stomach had butterflies in it.

I looked at Nate.

His eyes were soft and they were nurturing.

"Hey, hey, what's that look for?"

I shook my head and chuckled. "Sorry, um. Yeah, I agree with you."

Nate raised his eyebrow.

"There's more?"

"There's more?" I repeated.

"What were you thinking about? Why were you giving me that weird look?"

"You mentioned that the look Elijah gave me was a look that Kegan gave you on Facetime," I said.

"How is that relevant to anything I have said for the past, like 10 minutes?"

"I don't know; I was thinking about it because you said demeanor," I said.

"Okay, what about it?"

I felt a smile go on my face.

"What?" Nate asked.

"That bitch looked at you with this horny, hazy look," I said. Nate paused.

"Really?" He looked embarrassed.

"Yes," I said.

He looked a little shaken up.

He looked like I had just dropped a bomb on him.

His mood changed and I watched him quickly open his phone and click on Kegan's contact.

 He stopped.

A smile went across his face as he shut his phone off.

"I'll keep this one to myself and see how he likes it."

Two wrongs do not make it right but okay.

Nate got under my covers and flipped over to look at me.

"New topic," Nate said.

"And that is?"

"Are you okay?" Nate asked.

"Uh yeah?" I asked with my eyebrow raised.

"Like outside of the whole Elijah thing. At the end of the day, man or no man, I genuinely consider you one of my best friends and I do care about you, so are you okay? You were gone for a couple of days." oh. That.

I gulped.

"Uh," my breathing came out all shaky.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, smiling at him.

People like Nate make my world stand still.

He's nice to be around.

He's nice to talk to.

He makes me forget about my problems.

Forget about my loneliness.

Forget about my dad.

Just for a moment.

He makes my world stand still.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I wasn't sure.

I really wasn't.

I just want to go back to talking about him. 

His feelings, expressions, and emotions.

He and Kegan.

Nothing about me; I don't want to talk about me.

"Uh yeah."

"You aren't. You can tell me; I won't judge you. I am your friend," Nate said, looking me in the eyes.

I want to tell you, I really want to.

"I can't."

"You can't?" Nate asked.

"I-." I felt myself shrink.

I should tell him.

But then he might tell Kegan, and Kegan might tell Elijah, and then they would pity me.

Elijah already thinks I'm weird.

Im awful.

I'm. "You can tell me when you are ready or not tell me at all, but please remember that I am here and you don't have to be alone."

I felt my throat go dry and my eyes start to prick.

Im weak.

I can't tell you, my friend.

I don't want you to look at me differently.

I feel gross and my stomach hurts.

I feel sad.

I looked over at Nate.

He smiled at me.

I gulped.

"You wanna see something?" Nate asked and I nodded.

"You guys are nasty."

"IT WAS LITERALLY ALL HIM!" Nate screamed and I started laughing.

It was a hickey from kegan, I would normally be grossed out but I was thankful. I was really thankful.

I was thankful because I didn't want to think about my dad anymore.

He made me feel awful and gross.

He made me a shut-in.

He made me sad.

But having friends like Nate.

Friends that know when and how to make you laugh.

Friends like Nate and his issues with his stupid boyfriend.

Friends like Kegan, whom you hate a lot but who, at the end of the day, still care.

Friends like Elijah.

Friends that you wanted to be more than friends.

Friends that you wanted to be lovers.

Friends that your stupid brain can't help but fall in love with, even though you have barely known them.

Friends that are so handsome, so good looking and so sexy that you can't control yourself.

Friends like Elijah that make you lose all of your senses and make you nervous and gross to the point where you can't even think straight.

Lovers like Elijah that you want in your pants

No more thinking about this. I'm okay. Okay I'm done

It's okay if he doesn't like me.

It's okay. I smiled at Nate.

I'm okay.

"What?" I asked.

"No wonder Elijahs all over you," Nate said.

What does that even mean?

"You look pretty when you are just being you," Nate said, smiling.

I smiled back at him and said, "You are a sweet talker, just like him."

"I'm just saying the truth and so is he. I'm here to talk whenever," Nate said.

"I know."

We stayed in silence.

"Be yourself and trust me; Elijah will come to you. Maybe not father your love children, or whatever you were saying, but he will come to you when you are just being you."

God, now I was thinking about it again. Now I was thinking about him again.

Maybe next time, I will kiss him.

Maybe next time, I'll be happy.