8: I just killed a man, she's my alibi

"I can make him happy; I don't fucking understand."

Kegan rolled his eyes at me. "Are you still fucking yapping about that?"

He was in his boxers, on my couch, on his phone, and fully invited himself over to spend the night.

"It's been at least a day now? I didn't know you liked him like that," Kegan joked, not looking up from his phone.

My mom had insisted on making us a second round of food so that my dad could eat with all of us so we were currently waiting for her.

"Stop pacing; you are stressing me out," Kegan said.

I stopped and sat down next to him.

"Maybe he didn't want to kiss you because you're ugly."

"And that's genuinely why Nate hates you," I snapped back at him.

Kegan laughed.

"He loves me."

"No, he doesn't; he fucking hates you because you act like this."

"Elijah! Watch your mouth and your tone!" my dad yelled. "You are scaring your mom."

"Sorry, mom," I said back.

"Like the moment felt right, but then-." It wasn't for him. 

I watched my dad walk in.

"What are you guys yelling about?"

I looked at Kegan.

"Me and my issues," kegan said, putting his feet up and trying to kick my dad.

I wouldn't trade this fucker for the world.

"Jason! Come down and eat!" my mom called out.

I stood up and went to follow after my dad.

I turned back to Kegan.

"We can talk about it later," I mumbled and he stood up. 

I got a smack on my ass.

"Kegan," I said his name as I slowly turned around and his bald ass looked back at me.

"Are you guys ready to eat?"

"Yes ma'am." Kegan's fat ass was already ready to eat and my mom just spared him from the worst ass beating of his life.

We sat down and Kegan started to eat while looking at his phone.

My dad was, like every night, feeling my mom up under the table.

I want what they have, but only the good stuff.

Wait.

I think that's my problem.

The world's not perfect.

My parents aren't perfect but they are still happy.

Kegan and Nate aren't perfect, but they are relatively happy.

Sure, Alex and I aren't even a thing yet, but I'm happy when I'm around him.

But he's not with me.

Ouch, it stings a little bit, but nothing's perfect. I'm not perfect.

No matter how many AP classes I drown myself in or how many sports I do, I will never be perfect.

My relationships aren't perfect.

Kegan and I have been best friends for such a long time but that doesn't mean I think everything he does is right.

He drives me up the wall most days but I feel myself coming back to him more and more because it's the things that make him imperfect that draw me to him.

His stupid personality. He's insecure, he's rude, he's a playboy, he's rash, and he says stuff without thinking, but at the end of the day, he's still my best friend and I love him.

He gives good advice, sometimes. He's. Well, he's him. And our relationship is imperfect.

Jason never talks to me, but he's still my brother, no matter how imperfect our relationship is.

My mom—I love her to the moon and back; she's perfect. Actually, the only thing that makes her imperfect is my dad.

My dad and I clash because he's always bitching, he's always angry, he's loud, he spends too much time keeping his emotions in so they come out loud and explosive, and he's not perfect.

He's just like me. 

"You okay?" I looked to my side at Kegan.

"Yeah, just thinking," I said. 

I can't have a relationship with Alex if all I'm trying to have is a perfect relationship. There have to be imperfections for a relationship to happen. Even our video game love isn't perfect; well, it isn't real either, but whatever.

"Oh yeah," Kegan said. Wait time to tune back in because what?

"Tell us about her," my dad said.

Kegan smiled. "His name is Nate or Nathaniel, but I call him Bunny because in elementary school he used to hop around like a chubby bunny, and I think it's cute. We started talking a week ago or maybe two now; he would kick my ass for not remembering, but yeah. I enjoy his company and he is nice to be around."

I looked over at my parents and Jason.

Jason said, "Is he the Vietnamese guy always hanging around, uh, whatever the fuck that long-haired guy's name is?"

I felt my heart calm in a way.

He didn't ask why Kegan was saying him, his, or he. He was just asking who he was.

"Yeah," Kegan beamed.

"As long as you treat him well, Elijah told me about your dating history," my mom joked.

"Hey, I'm a good guy." He turned to me. "Eli, tell your mom I'm a good guy."

"Eli?" 

My mom started to laugh as Kegan started to shake me aggressively.

I looked over at my dad.

He looked indifferent. His face looked the same.

He just. My heart hurts. I wanted to scream at him.

Say something. SAY SOMETHING.

The attention was now on me.

"Are you also hiding some secret lover?" my mom teased.

"No, momma, but when I do, you will be the first one to know." I laughed and my mom smiled.

"I hope so."

My dad got up.

"Thank you," he mumbled to my mom.

My mom took our plates away and washed the dishes.

Kegan and I headed back to my room.

"I know nothing is perfect but I want us to be perfect. I want us to be perfect. Is that too much to ask for?" I felt myself seething.

"Damn, how long have you been thinking about it?" Kegan laughed.

"Throughout all of dinner. We can be perfect."

"You can't," Kegan said.

He just wanted to piss me off.

"Why the fuck not?"

"You've been thinking about this for the past 30 minutes, and now it's making you mad. His rejecting you is making you mad-."

"Him getting in the car with a stranger guy. Him-."

"It's all him, him, him, but never you, Elijah. Two halves make a whole; you can't put all the blame on him when you yourself aren't willing to put in the work. You guys can't be perfect because of you, Elijah," Kegan said as he got in my bed.

I continued to pace.

"He rejected you, so what dude?" After that whole talk, now he's got the nerve to say that?

I snapped my head around him and said, "So what? SO WHAT? What the fuck do you mean? So what?-"

"So what? He didn't flat-out say he didn't like you; he just wasn't ready to kiss. You might be moving too fast for him; if you aren't willing to wait, then don't waste his time," Kegan said, leaning over and looking through the 5 bonnets and durags I had.

"But you-."

"This is about you. It doesn't matter about me or Nate. This is about you and Alex," Kegan said.

"Sit," Kegan said and I sat down on my bed.

"Take a deep breath and now explain," Kegan said.

"I have been explaining-."

"Explain again!" Kegan snapped.

Okay. I could do that. Nice and calm.

"Well, I felt like we were going somewhere, but I don't know. I drove him home and then his brother started mentioning their dad. I know I shouldn't have pushed on, but I didn't want to leave him alone. A part of me was telling me not to leave. And I was curious so I pushed on. I know I shouldn't have. I fucking know it, but I wanted to get closer to him. No, I see that wasn't the right way," I said.

"Yeah."

"Yeah," I said back.

"Continue," Kegan said.

"I tried to joke and make it light, but. Oh god, I don't know. I was trying to give good advice; I really was but I felt myself seething. As he talked about his dad, I could only see anger. I felt like he was flirting with me, but I think it was because he felt awkward. He felt uncomfortable like he didn't want me there. And then we kind of went to sleep. Well, he fell asleep first and I'm very much easily moved by him, as we can see and he was just so cute, I couldn't move-."

"Dude, you're a freak."

"Dude, I didn't do anything," I said, snatching my bonnet off his head.

"Hey."

"You don't have hair; put the durag on idiot," I said, hitting him with it.

"Sorry continue."

"Okay, uh, then he woke up. He was bawling and I tried to calm him down but then his brother and mom came. His brother actually started strangling me. I felt anger like it ran through me and I was genuinely really fucking angry. I don't think I have ever been that fucking mad in my life and it's all over him. I didn't want to do something that could hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't hurt him. I left," I said. I felt pissed off just thinking about it.

I was getting all hot and angry.

"And now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. Because he's all weird now, and I don't even know why. I'm losing my mind around him. And he's just walking around, doing perfectly fine. He doesn't know what he is doing to me right now. I'm mad; I get all weird every fucking time he comes by or when he's with other people and I really don't want to hurt him," I said.

"You're jealous." Kegan and I locked eyes. 

"I'm not."

"You so are. Or wait, Nate calls it possessive or jealous; I don't remember but it's on my red flag list and something I'm working on, but you're jealous," Kegan said. 

No way; I can't be. We aren't dating; that doesn't make any sense.

"You are possessive like he's yours. And you're jealous, like-."

"Okay, okay. I'm jealous, whatever," I said, flopping in bed next to him.

"I wish everything was like the stupid VR world. If that thing didn't give me a migraine every time I used it, I would stay in there all day," I said, getting back to turn off my light.

I got back in bed.

"Well, it's not real. It doesn't correlate over. That wouldn't make any sense," Kegan said.

I looked over at him. 

"Did you even hear a word I just said?" I asked.

Kegan rolled his eyes. 

"You are a weirdo, dude," I said.

"Whatever," he said, opening his phone.

I know it's such a stretch, but the game, every time I play it, feels so real.

Every last bit of it.

And Kegan correlates over, so why doesn't Alex?

Weird.

I sighed. Whatever. I'll think about it in the morning.

I woke up at 6:01. I did everything like normal—well, almost normal. Kegan was being a weird ass and insisted that we do everything together.

My mom even put oil in his hair so he felt included.

"Kegan is always welcome in my home," my mom said. 

He was stealing my clothes, my bed, and basically everything.

And he put me in some stupid ass outfit that he claims was "fashion."

My mom was beaming. She loves kids and she even loved Kegan's unlovable ass.

Do you know who was also being unlovable? My fucking dad.

We were eating breakfast, me, Dad, Mom, Jason, and Kegan.

Jason was in a talking mood; by talking, I meant he was sliding the phone across the table so I could laugh at it.

Still, progress for Jason. 

He has shown me 9 reels in the past 4 minutes. A few of them were jokes about being bisexual.

Does he know?

Eh, probably not.

I love my brother to death but he is very much socially stunned and doesn't get cues, so maybe they are just going over his head.

Back to my dad, because he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or something, he snatched Jason's phone and started screaming at me.

And now I'm here, getting screamed at by my dad at the breakfast table.

"Wait, why am I getting yelled at? It's Jason's phone." I asked with my hands raised.

"You are the oldest; you should know better. You need to help your brother, not egg him on. Fuck you are so-."

He reached towards me and grabbed my shirt.

"Get off me," I pushed him. I looked over at my mom.

I stood up. "You're scaring mom."

Moments like this tell me that no matter what happens, people say they change but in reality, they don't.

"I'm sorry, honey," he mumbled, kissing her head.

"Elijah, let me talk to you outside, please." I could feel the venom in his tone. Little bitch. 

I followed after him.

My mom quickly stood up.

"Baby-."

"I'm okay, mom; I'll kick his ass for you," I said.

"But honey bear, i-."

"Nothing is going to happen; Dad has changed, Mom. He's just stressed," I told her. She still looked worried but she let me go.

I hope he's changed.

I closed the door behind me.

"If you have a problem with me, don't scream at me in front of Mom. You know it scares her because of you and your issues," I said. It was backhanded, it was rude, and I have no regrets. 

He turned around. He looked mad as fuck.

"You are so fucking irritating, you know that. You are supposed to be my golden child, my good kid, and my pride and joy. And now you are being stupid, and just and even your best friend thinks he's gay," my dad yelled.

Oh. I felt sick to my stomach and I felt my heart drop.

"I don't want you hanging out with him anymore. He's dying his hair, he's getting bad grades, and he's got a boyfriend now. I don't want him hanging around here anymore either. He's a bad influence on you," my dad spat at me.

"Not happening." I watched his face fill with rage and he started to scream at me. He had officially blown a fuse. He was screaming so loudly that I couldn't hear a word he was saying.

"So is your wife being scared of you because of your anger management issues a bad influence on me or just Kegan?" I asked. I cooked with that one.

That shut him up real fast.

This was low, but I'm dropping him so low that he's going to be in hell.

"Answer me," I said simply.

"Your own wife is scared of you. You should have seen the look on her face. The horror of remembering her husband beating her and her kids. I'm surprised she's still with you," I said.

Now who's the one stuttering?

"I've changed," he said.

"Have you? You almost choked me out over laughing at Jason's video. Have you really changed?" I asked him.

No.

I gulped. The homophobia stung; it really did. No matter how bad he acted or was, he was still my dad and I cared what he thought. I wanted him to support me. 

"If you aren't going to change for me or around me, at least change for Mom. And the baby, you don't want to cause her stress," I explained.

He nodded.

I saw remorse on his face.

Something I wasn't used to seeing.

"Uh. Uh, I. I'm. I'm sorry for what I said about your friend. Uh, I didn't mean it. I'm just stressed out and angry. And I know you don't want to hear those excuses. And the words were already said, but I'm sorry," he said.

Damn. It wasn't for yelling at me for no reason, but hey. It was a sorry. A sorry? From my dad? No way.

"Go apologize to your wife," I said, and I pushed past him towards the door.

He grabbed my arm.

"I'm sorry," he said.

I nodded.

"Okay," I said, opened the back door, and walked back into the house with my dad following me.

Breakfast was cleaned.

"I'm sorry, Jason, for taking your phone," my dad said, handing his phone. 

"I'm sorry to you as well, Kegan," my dad said and bowed in a way.

He turned to my mom and held her from behind.

He was mumbling in her ear, "I'm sorry for yelling, baby. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to yell; I'm just stressed. I'm sorry."

Nasty.

"Kegan and I are going to leave now, Jason. You want to go with Dad or us?" I asked, grabbing my bags, that my best friend in the whole wide world had brought down. And then my car keys.

"I'll go with Dad; no promises; he's making it to school with whatever they are doing right now," Jason said, laughing.

I nodded.

"I'll see you guys at school then; I love you, momma," I said, and I kissed her head without interrupting whatever she and my dad were doing.

And just like that, Kegan and I were off.

He was blasting his music as I gripped the steering wheel.

I'm genuinely really pissed off, and I think I shouldn't be behind the wheel right now.

I keep angrily zoning out, thinking about my dad and what he said to Kegan. 

And a little fun fact about being behind the wheel, you want to give it all your focus. And not fucking zone out. 

"Dude, the light is green," Kegan said; that was the fourth time he said that.

I hit the gas pedal as I sped into the parking lot.

"Are you okay?" Kegan asked as I parked. I brought the roof up.

"Yeah."

"That's a lie," he said and he grabbed my football stuff.

"I'm fine," I said.

Kegan looked at me and the two of us walked towards school. 

"You aren't."

"I'm fine."

"Jesus, acting like I'm the problem; I'm just asking," Kegan said, rubbing my back.

"I-."

"What's up, stupid fucks?" I turned around. Stupid ass Jaxon.

"Where have you been?" Following Jaxon was his girlfriend, Maya. 

Jax had a tall, muscular build, light brown skin, and probably one of the ugliest fades I have ever seen in my whole life.

Maya, on the other hand, was way out of his league; she was really beautiful and very intelligent, completely different from her stupid boyfriend but they were cute.

"He's been ditching," Maya spat and Jaxon started laughing.

They were my friends, and I had no clue where Matt, Aisha, and Tyler were, but they were also in my friend group.

"Hurry up, bye Elijah, bye Kegan," Maya said and somehow her small ass dragged her big ass boyfriend into school.

"Wish that was you, huh?"

"Go to hell, Kegan," I said.

We walked into the hallway and made our way to our locker.

You know when your world stops when you see them.

The whole world stands still and you can only see them.

Like they are the only thing in this world that matters.

He makes me forget about my anger and forget about everything.

"I heard they are dating now." Almost everything. I turned around. It was, uh, what was his name? Like Mike or something or one of his goons.

I looked back at Alex; he was talking with Mike.

Is that why he rejected me?

It can't be. Oh lord. I'm getting even madder right now.

"Yeah, they came here together this morning."

"Elijah, Elijah, don't let them-."

I took a deep breath. It's okay. I'm fine.

No more anger; anger scares Alex. Just like my dad does to my mom.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay to be imperfect.

Alex's hair was covering his eyes; it's a bummer he didn't have his glasses on but he was still cute. 

He had on some tight jeans that really did him justice and he had on a hoodie.

He was so perfect. Everything about him.

I felt a hand go around my shoulder.

"He's been talking to him for such a long time now; I'm surprised they weren't dating sooner." anger. I feel it coming back.

Stronger and stronger.

"Eliah, don't let them get under your skin," Kegan said.

I rubbed my hands on my pants.

I'm fine. They are just trying to make me rage.

It's okay. It's okay to be angry.

I just.

"He even kissed him at the game."

He didn't. He wouldn't.

Fuck, I didn't know.

I didn't know if they were lying or not.

I shouldn't get this mad at someone who isn't even mine, but I'm pissed off.

I'm seething and bothered by little comments. Fuck. fuck. 

I started walking forward.

"Elijah-." I was seeing red. I was hearing red. I'm actually seething. I can only hear my mind racing and racing about how I'm going to rip this fucker's head off and feed him to the wolves.

Fuck.

That little bitch?

Who does he think he is?

I continued to walk forward.

Bitch.

Cunt.

Ugly.

Disgusting.

He's getting all touchy and feely and all. Fuck. Fuck.

That cunt.

That douche bag.

That little fucking freak.

Get your hands off of him.

Get your ugly fucking hands off of him.

Ugly fucking whore.

Bitch boy.

What the fuck?

He doesn't like you.

He doesn't like you.

You are stupid.

Dumb fucker.

Dumb idiot bitch.

Annoying ass, fucking bitch.

Get your stupid hands away from what's mine.

Get the fuck back, ugly.

Get back, you little bitch.

I'm going to rip your arms off and your eyeballs out so you can't look at or touch what's mine. Stupid bitch.

STUPID FUCKING BITCH. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.