36: Blame

Celeste's POV

I try to control my breathing as I lay in bed. Xavier. . A whimper escapes me as I rub my thighs together, trying to get a sense of relief from the aching feeling in my stomach as well as my lower region. Nothing helps as I only feel hotter and hotter. I want to. . I . . I don't know. I huff, trying to do that breathing exercise Zay once taught me. It seems to help a bit as Ancillary internally paces before settling. 

My hand goes to my neck, running over where Xavier. . I feel myself turn red again as tingles erupt under my skin. I push myself out of bed with a huff. I hobble my way to the bathroom, my legs both aching and also feeling incredibly wobbly. Messy hair and a pink face stare back at me, my lips slightly swollen. My eyes dart to my neck where a bruise seems to peak out from under the collar of Xavier's shirt. I pull the fabric aside to assess the damage. 

'That's where his mark will go,' Ancillary tells me. 'That's why it feels the way it does.'

'And I get to mark him back?'

She snorts, 'Of course you do.' A giddy feeling begins to accompany the warmth. I continue to run my finger over the bruise until it feels like too much, my legs shaky beneath me. 

'Ancillary,' I turn to my best friend in the whole world, 'I think I. . I think I. .' Something in me can't even think the words. 

'I know, Celeste.' I smile, so internally happy and giddy. I run back to the room, squealing as I jump into his bed, bouncing several times until the blankets shift to swallow me again. His bedroom smells like him, coconut and rain. I love it. I flip myself over; grabbing onto his pillow, shoving my face into its soft surface and inhaling deeply. 

I reach over to the nightstand and grab the remote, turning on a silly show Xavier had gotten me into recently. I didn't quite understand all of the human things that were said or done but it was entertaining enough to not make me bored. It was only after I finished an episode and a half that I began to wonder what was taking Xavier so long. The aching in my body began to come back, sending waves of pain from my toes to my head. My headache slowly returned and the second episode finished before I pushed the blankets away. I crept out of the bedroom and down the stairs, following Xavier's scent. I grew confused as it didn't lead to the kitchen but rather the opposite direction and towards the downstairs hallway. 

"Celeste," a voice pulled me from my search. I snapped my eyes to Zay, who was standing in the doorway of her office. "What are you doing out here? You should be resting."

"Xavier. ." A confused sadness filled my voice. Where is he? 

She sighed, pushing herself out of the doorway. "Follow me," she nods in a gesture towards the hallway. She reaches out her hand, squeezing mine once I lay it in hers. We get to a door towards the back of the hallway where Xavier's smell is stronger but there's also another scent. Something I slightly recall from my childhood. It's the smell of death. 

"Zay. ." 

"Did Xavier tell you that he lost a warrior last night?" I nod, eyebrows furrowed before it clicks. 

"Their mate died, didn't they?" Zay nods, a grim look on her face.

"She did."

"And she's in there? Right now?" I gesture towards the door with a nod of my head. Zay confirms with a nod of her own. "And Xavier?"

"He's in there too."

"Oh. ."

"You need to understand, Celeste. Xavier hasn't been an Alpha for too long. This is one of the strongest packs in the country and yes, Xavier maintains it damn good, but he didn't build it to be this strong. Xavier has never had to have his warriors in any battle where they've been significantly opposed. He's never lost any warriors on his watch. He's never made the choice to send less people than he could have and come away with less than he sent." My eyes begin to water as I remember Xavier waking me up and telling me that he lost a warrior last night. "And he's never had to go to a young woman and show her the body of her mate only to wake in the morning and have her body be downstairs, having followed her mate to the Goddess." The tears begin the fall slowly down my cheek and the pain I feel for Xavier is greater than the aches filling my own being. "If I know Xavier," she shifts on her feet, biting the inside of her cheek, "and I do, then he's blaming himself for not one but two deaths right now."

"Zay, I didn't-"

"Are you ready to go in there?" My eyes widen as she pins me down with her stare. "Your mate needs you right now." I nod. 

I turn around, putting my hand on the door, before turning back and throwing my arms around Zay. She stills momentarily before relaxing and putting her arms back around me. "Thank you, Zay. I didn't really have friends growing up." My voice comes out muffled against her. "And that only makes me that much more grateful that Xavier has always had you."

"You're a good mate, Celeste." Her hand rubs briefly up and down my back before patting my shoulder. "You two do well for each other." I pull back and turn back towards the door that smells of death. 

The first thing I take note of is the open window, letting sunlight cascade to the bed where the bedsheet covers the form of who I assume to be the young woman. I walk over to her slowly, pulling back the sheet. Her eyes are closed and she almost looks like she's just sleeping. Almost. How sad she must have been, how in pain she must have been - when she felt her bond snap. I wonder how long she and her mate had together. I wonder how many memories they built and what kind of a future they planned. I wonder about what dreams she had and how her community built her into who she is - was. I think of any friends and family she may have left behind. Or maybe her mate was her only family. No, that can't be true. She looks like the kind of person to have a gentle and kind nature. I lay my hand on her chest, just over where her heart would have beat steadily in her chest were she really sleeping. "May the Goddess guide you home." I pull the sheet back over her head.

I take a second to glance around the room and, sure enough, Xavier sits against the same wall where the door is. His legs are splayed out in front of him, his hands in his lap and his head leaning against the wall. His stare could be described as vacant but something in me knows of the wars in his head at this moment. I make my way over to him, standing over his legs. I place my hand on his cheek and his eyes go to mine. His hand sluggishly goes up to mine as he leans into my touch. I ignore the aching in my legs and sit down, straddling him. "I failed her, Celeste," his voice is croaky and soft, more broken than I've ever heard it or ever want to hear it again. It brings an ache to my heart. 

"You didn't fail anyone, Xavier."

He scoffs, dropping his hand and moving his head. I let my hand fall. "There's a dead body in the morgue and a dead body in this very room and you're telling me I didn't fail anyone?" His croaky voice turns cruel and I know the cruelty is only aimed at himself. 

"Death is hard but it doesn't mean failure." I try to catch his gaze again, failing as he remains focused on the sheet covered girl behind us. "Xavier, did you think this would never happen?" He glances at me then goes back to staring over my shoulder. I'm unsure if he's glancing at the girl or at nothing in particular. "You are Alpha of one of the strongest and biggest packs on this side of the country." He inhales, his chest rising, before steadily letting it out through his nose. But he says nothing. "Accidents happen. Battles happen. Heartbreak happens. People die." 

"Not my peopl-"

"Yes, your people, Xavier. You don't get a say in who lives or who dies." A tear falls down his cheek, catching on the stubble on his jaw. "It sucks, Xavier. Trust me, I know." Images of those three women drift through my brain. Remembering the night we dug into the Earth in order to bury them. We had no shovels and several women had shifted in order to dig better. I remember the several times throughout my childhood that I woke up and one of our elders had passed in the night. I remember the sound of Mom's yelp as. . The nightmares that haunted me after, that sometimes still do. Of watching the rogues. . I push away the thoughts, already nauseous from the heat and not wanting to throw up on my mate. My mate. Xavier. . I sigh. "You can't blame yourself, Xavier. You can't. It'll do no good." Another tear. And then another. And another. 

I throw my arms around him as best as I can. He leans forward a bit, helping me help him. My shoulder begins to feel damp as his tears continue to fall. I rub one hand up and down his shoulder blades while the other runs through the hair on the nape of his neck. "Maybe some other Alphas have some input on this? Or your dad?" His arms circle my waist as he pulls me close to him. "You should give them a call. When you're up for it." He pulls back, keeping his hands on my waist and rubbing little circles on my sides. 

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" 

I give him a small smile, "I ask myself the same thing about you every day." He leans forward and presses his lips to my nose. "Let's get out of here, Xavier. Let someone else take her to her mate."

"I have to organize their pas-"

"Not today, Xavier." My hands hold both his cheeks, keeping his weary gaze on mine. "Do that when you're in a better state. Or have Jared start the preparations. You need rest." He scoffs and I raise a brow. "These last 24 hours have been a lot, Xavier. Don't push yourself."

He sighs, "You're right. I'll have Jared start the preparations and I'll approve and finalize it all. ."

"Later," I finish for him.

"Later," he confirms. I put my hands on his shoulder to help myself get up but still wince at the ache that only intensified in my legs. Xavier pushes himself up, glancing one last time at the girl under the sheet before turning back to the door, holding it open for me and following close behind. 

"Are you okay?" The question comes halfway up the stairs. I turn around, a few huffs leaving my lips. Xavier takes another step up, putting one hand on my cheek while the other goes to my forehead. "You're sweating."

"My legs hurt. ." I bite my lip. "And my stomach. And my head is starting to as well." I lean against the wall, closing my eyes as I take breaths in through my nose. I beg my body to pull itself together. 

Xavier gently puts one hand around my waist. "Put your hands around my neck," he instructs. I blink several times. 

"It's okay, Xavier." He gives me a blank stare until I sigh in defeat, putting my arms around his neck. He carefully lifts me into his arms, his second hand going under my knees. I lean into him, his touch already making some of the aching go away.