38: Guide You Home

Josh's POV

"One does not ask to die in the middle of their life. One does not kiss their child on the cheek, take their mate in hand, and together seek death. Lilian and Akeno lived full lives. Happy lives. They walked these very grounds, hand in hand; love glowing around them. 

"They were great trackers, Akeno a great warrior. They will be missed by not only their pack mates but also their only family, their son, Josh." I can feel his eyes on me but I refuse to look at him. "Rest assured, Lillian, Akeno. I will take care of him in your absence." I bite my lip, feeling several more pairs of eyes on me. Eyes whose connected lips say nothing now. Said nothing ever. Will never say a thing. "May you love from above. May the Goddess guide you home."

I stare blankly at the fire in front of me. Somewhere, beyond the flames and under the ceremonial wrappings, are my parents. I can't even smell them over the smell of the flames, ashes dancing in the air from the burning wood. 

My fingers feel numb, clutching onto the picture I was instructed to bring. The paper crinkles in my hold and I look down. Our faces all smile back at me, clueless of what's to come. Clueless that they would be sent out on a death trap of a mission. 

From Alpha Henry's behavior this last week to his speech tonight, no one outside of his circle would know it. But I know better. 

The picture gets crushed in my hold, crinkling together under the pressure of my fingertips.

I know better.

A hand sets harshly on my shoulder. I jump, my eyes flashing to my left. Alpha Henry stands there, not a regret in his gaze. Not a single bit of genuine empathy. "Go." The word is simple and I gaze back to the fire. 

I don't want to go. I really don't. If I do, then this will all be real. My parents will truly be gone. The loving couple who raised me. Who taught me to ride a bike, who helped me with my math homework, who taught me to identify plants in the forest, who taught me the ways of the Goddess above. Who loved me. Infinitely. 

A push on my shoulder forced me forward. I glare back at Alpha Henry. His gaze doesn't break but his lip twitches. 

My steps towards the fire feel grounding in the worst of ways. Like I'm sinking into a level of hell from which there is no coming back. Between the flames lay my parents, right beside each other. With the wrappings covering their forms, you can't see the hell they went through in their final moments. But the linked hands that I know are there hold them to each other, as I'm sure they'd want to be in this final parting. The picture feels a weight in my hand. I struggle to lift my arm. 

I can feel his gaze on my back. 

I manage to lift the picture with great difficulty. I only begin to admire their smiling faces; a younger, happier me wedged between them when the heat from the flames begin to lick the paper. I watch as the picture begins to curl in on itself, turning darker and darker until I can no longer make out their faces. My face, just for a moment, so young and so free, smiles back at me. And then the flames consume me too. That young boy dies with them. I never let go of the picture, not even when the flames lick my fingertips. The heat is nice. I want to step into it, let it consume me. Burn away all the horrors that have been and will continue to be. The heat is nice

"Josh!" A hand wraps around my bicep, pulling me from a different flame. "What are you doing?" The worried tone in Jacob's voice has me blinking several times over. He holds my hand in his and I don't even begin to think of the entire pack around the steady flames. He turns my hand over, examines each finger, before letting my hand fall. 

"I-" I look around. The crowd is starting to grow smaller. Each person has paid their respects, thrown in their tokens of memorial if they have them. "I'm sorry," I mumble. 

"Just-" he sighs, "don't do that again." Jacob pulls something out of his pocket. I recognize the formal wording at the top. It's an acceptance letter into the pack's warriors. He reads over it for a second. There's a tightness in his jaw that only grows as he reads on. Finally, he flicks the paper into the flames. And he turns to leave, going towards the training grounds. 

My eyes scan the clearing. I walk over to Basil and Autumn's parents. Basil grew up here and I've known their parents for several years now. Autumn joined us from another pack and her parents had to make the journey here. I walked over to them, my steps feeling heavy. Basil's dad, Agnus, gave me a sad smile. Their mom, Louise, stayed with her head buried in her mate's shoulder. "Basil was a damn good warrior," my words feel like poison on the tongue. "I'm sorry this happened." Louise let out a harsh cry. Agnus reached up, patting me on the shoulder. 

"They spoke very highly of you."

"And them, you." I turned to Autumn's parents. "I'm sorry we have to meet this way. Everyone spoke kindly of Autumn. She was a good soul."

"It's not right," her mom spoke, taking in a deep shuddering breath, "for you to outlive your child. It's just not right." Her lip wobbled and she looked toward the fire. 

"We lost our son last year," Autumn's dad spoke up. "Human hunters found him in the woods and. ." He doesn't speak any further. 

"Alpha Xavier has set up accommodations for you in our pack house, if you wish to stay. You're welcome for as long as you'd like." I take both ladies' hands in mine, squeezing them gently. "Are you going to watch the fire burn out?" It's not uncommon for those close to the deceased to stay by the fire until it goes out. For them to see their loved ones, wrapped up as if a babe. To give one final farewell before the burial. 

A sob escaped Louise and she was pulled into the arms of Autumn's mother. "We'll stay," Autumn's mother said. "We'll stay." Her words were a reassurance to the broken mother. 

"I live in the packhouse, second floor, if you need anything. Jacob has several warriors on guard to watch over the area. Stay as long as you'd like." 

"Thank you." The words came from Agnus and I gave him one final broken smile. 

I walk over, next, to Xavier and Celeste. The two stand close together in front of the burning fire. I watch as Xavier drops something in the fire, whatever it was catches in flames and the ashes reach up towards the sky. "Alpha, Luna," I greet them both with a nod. Celeste turns to me first, her hand staying on Xavier's arm. 

"Josh," she greets. She squeezes Xavier's arm before letting him go and throwing her arms around me. I hug her back tightly. "How are you?" 

I shrug. "I'm okay, I guess. I was just giving my condolences to their parents." I trail my eyes back to Xavier. The fire flickers light and shadows across his grim face. "Have you spoken with them yet?" He doesn't answer. 

Celeste goes back to him. As if on instinct, Xavier pulls her to him, never tearing his eyes away from the flames. "We spoke with them before the ceremony," she informs me. I nod. 

"Alpha?" I flick my eyes to Celeste and back to him. "Xavier?"

He blinks several times before turning to me. "Josh," he greets me briefly before returning his gaze to the flames. 

"It was a beautiful speech, Xavier." He says nothing. Celeste gives me a sympathetic smile. 'He's taking this pretty harshly, huh?' My link goes to Celeste only. 

'Yeah, he's taking on a lot of blame for this.' She glances at him, rubbing his arm. He grabs her hand, pulling her knuckles to his lips where he places a gentle kiss before stroking her skin. I glance towards the direction of the training fields. 'Jacob too?'

I'm stunned momentarily, eyeing her. There's no judgment in her gaze, only concern for the people around her. 'Yeah,' I link, trying to read beneath her gaze. Trying to figure out what she knows -- if she knows. 'Are you guys going to stay out here, long?' 

'As long as he wants.' She leans back into him. A small jealousy goes through me at the comfortability of their actions. I push it aside. Not the time. 

'Take care of him, will you?' 

She nods, 'Always.'

"Will you two stop linking right in front of me?" His voice is a grumble as the flames continue to throw shadows over his face. 

"No," Celeste told him bluntly, leaning further into his hold. He grumbles something I can't quite make out, holding her tightly to him. I glance towards the training fields again. 'Go.' I dart my eyes towards Celeste. She nods. 

"I'll see you guys later, yeah?" Xavier says nothing, his gaze once again focused on the fire. 

"I'm going to Lesa's tomorrow. Do you want to join me?" 

"That sounds nice." I glance away then back again. "Bye." 

I try not to run but I'm sure my steps are quickened. The fire continues to burn, casting shadows and flickers of light to stretch across the expanse of the clearing. The crackling of the logs seems to whisper in my ear. The whispering and the solemn chattering grows quieter the further away I go. 

By the time I make it to the training field, I see it empty. I furrow my brows, ready to tune into my senses and smell him out. Only I don't have to. Grunting and an occasional 'thwack' sound emerges from the indoor training center. The doorknob is cold to the touch as I pull the hefty door open. It glides shut behind me. 

"Jacob," I call to the man who stands in the back corner of the building, punching a punching bag over and over. He didn't even change out of his black suit. Instead, the tie is removed and sits on top of the discarded suit jacket, the black button up having several undone buttons. "Jacob," I call again as I get closer. 

"I fucking failed them, Josh." He hits the punching bag again. "I fucking failed," he hits the bag until it shakes, dust seep through the seams. "I failed as their leader." The bag swings forward and back towards him. I take a cautious step forward. "And now." The chain and its links creak. "Two people." He hits it so hard that I worry about it falling back to hit him. I take several more steps. "Are fucking dead." The last hit causes one of the seams to fully rip open. Sand begins to pour out of the swinging bag.

I grab Jacob's hand, pulling him away from the bag just in time for it to swing back right towards where he was. He rips himself away from me, slamming his fist into one of the wooden beams. It creaks, a splinter forming from where his fist hits. I hope to the Goddess that it's not load-bearing. 

"Jacob."

"What?" His voice is a yell. He flexes his hand several times, pacing as he huffs. I try to go to him, try to grab his hand. He doesn't let me. My heart clenches.

"You can't go around being destructive."

"Why not?" He spits the words, grabbing a water bottle off the ground. He practically rips the top off, chugging the water inside before throwing the metal bottle at the wall. It bounces right next to a window. 

"Jacob," I scold him. 

"What, Josh!? What do you want from me!?"

"I want you to calm down-"

"I am calm!"

"No, you are not." I keep my voice calm. He begins to pace again, running his hand through his hair. 

"Don't tell me what I am!" He punches the beam again; the splitter grows. I can smell the blood now coming from his knuckles. 

"Jacob," I take a deep breath, "I need you to calm down. Before you hurt yourself any further."

He throws his arms in the air. "I Am Calm!"

I raise a brow at him, deciding to walk away from him. I don't leave the training facility. Instead, I go to the opposite side of the room. "Josh," he calls but I ignore him. I get to the wall opposite where he is, taking a seat on the floor. I give him a pointed look. "Fuck," he mumbles, following after me. "Josh," he sighs, running his hand through his hair again. 

"Are you done?" His shoulders sag before he nods. I pat the space next to me on the ground. He joins me, leaning his head on my shoulder. I grab his hand. He lets me. Examining his knuckles, I brush my fingers over the bloody skin that's already healed itself. 

"I'm sorry you lost a warrior, Jacob." I feel him tense beside me. "But life has to go on."

"They died less than two weeks ago, Josh," he says with a scoff. 

"You're allowed to grieve." I squeeze his hand. "But not like that. Not like this," I gesture towards the broken sand bag and splintered beam. He says nothing. "When my parents died, I was depressed." He lifts his head from my shoulder, looking at me as I talk. "Alpha Henry-"

"Bitch-Ass-Henry," he interjects. I roll my eyes. 

"Henry aside," I continue, "I was just sad. I also felt guilty."

"You shouldn't have."

"Well, I did. I locked myself in my room for weeks. I would refuse meals, keep my curtain shut, I rarely showered. I would wake up, reality would kick in and I would cry myself to sleep again. For weeks." I didn't realize a tear had fallen down my cheek until Jacob wipes it away. He keeps his hand on my cheek.

"And what did you do? To feel better?"

"Well, I had nothing to feel better for. Eventually, Alpha Henry-" He growls deep in his chest. I nod. "But you, Jacob. You have reason to feel better. Reason to act better. Take better care of yourself." I show him his own hand, still slightly red with blood. His thumb traces up my cheek. "You know I love you, right?" 

"I love you too, Josh," he whispers. Looking around at the damages he made on the opposite side of the room, his shoulders slump. "I'm um, I'm sorry," he whispers, "for yelling."

"It's okay." I don't tell him how I hate yelling. He already knows. 

"No, it's really not." I say nothing, letting the silence sit between us.