9 Years Ago Part 1

"Hey? Hey kid!" I feel the fog around me start to break, my glowing prison deep inside myself relinquishing me for a time, the void forever surrounding me cutting off all avenues of escape. "Goddamn fucking kids… made such a fucking mess… shit I better not get arrested for this crap!" The anger in the voice is self-evident, but doesn't seem fully directed at me.

I open my eyes, a dark roof greeting me, a window to the side bringing through just enough light to illuminate my surroundings, yet not cast shadows. It was some kind of storage room, endless boxes stacked around me. Under me lies a mat, something I'd seen in my mothers exercise shows… I-I did break into a gym… I don't remember fully what brought me into the room. But at least I know I was found… I check myself and find parts of my body wrapped up with bandages, I move my arms and feel no wounds though. I pull them open and see no scars, no pain… no nothing… I feel… fine? Or my usual I guess… my stomach letting me know quickly that I should eat something. Maybe lots of things. A hunger that I have never been able to get rid of.

My head throbs, another migraine coming on strong, something that has just become normal life at this point. A screaming inside me, pushing at me, turning into a sharp noise all encompassing as I hold myself, waiting for it to pass.

The door to the room bursts open and I shuffle back into the wall as fast as I can, fumbling while I try to hold my brains in through my ears at the same time. Adrenaline pumping urging me to flee as far as I can. A man looks down at me and sighs, he looks familiar… maybe from last night… but I can't connect to his grizzled face, only a subtle feeling.

He speaks with exhaustion, the slight anger in his voice still there, "ahhh… now I look like the goddamn bad guy! fuck…" He gets closer and squats in front of me before sighing once again, looking more tired. "Look kid… you broke into my place, took my food… and then fucking bled all over the place!"

I look up at him, mind blank at his words. I don't have any wounds, I don't have any scars… How did I bleed everywhere? Maybe I spilled jam or something… or tomato sauce! I can't utter any words, I can only stare up at him blankly. Waiting anxiously for a question or a command. Finally he asks one. "Where are your parents…. Have you got anywhere to stay?" I slowly shake my head, keeping eye contact.

He slaps his legs and pulls himself back up. Muttering to himself in anger before turning back to me. "This fucking world man… ugh… alright kid… how about... If ya want a place to stay you can crash here… but! and of course theres a fucking but! you help clean up the gym… you can do that at least right? cleaning? surely fucking kids can clean nowadays…" I nod hurriedly, if in acceptance of just to please this person who seemingly won't tear me apart for what I did, what the hunger made me do.

He nods back before continuing, "Alright… that settles it… I had to clean up your mess but the gym will be open again in a few hours… so get some rest… When it opens I'll get one of the guys to grab you some food." He sighs and closes the door behind him as he walks out, muttering in disbelief at what he was doing.

The mention of food brings me some joy, the need of it all, the building needs that I crave constantly. So much more than when I was a child, that my body screams at me for. Pushing me harder and harder. The street has been a daze, so little safety.

I smell the mustiness of the room and feel that at least… it's not that sterile smell filled with traces of blood that I got so used to. I wrap myself the best I can with my clothing, and drift back to sleep for the precious hours I can get, conserve and keep my energy for as long as I can.

The man's whispers filter through as my chest beats deep and my brain hums, forever drifting through the void speckled with red.

…

"Alright you gym junkies! We've got a helper with us today, help him learn how a real gym works!" I falter under their gazes of curiosity, the group of tattooed, bulky men in tight fighting elastic clothing, great big beards and too much hair sticking out everywhere. I look down at the floor but try looking up every so often, trying to be polite as I can before the anxiety strikes again. "Fuck, Kid whats your name again?"

I feel a panic run through my system. A name… my name… I-I have nothing tying me to my name anymore, my old name… Everyone from my past is dead, anyone who knew my name was dead. A name… I look up and try my best to speak, stuttering as I do. "J-just call m-me Kid…"

The man who gave me a place to stay nods and then looks back at the group, they all seem to nod along in some kind of understanding. "Alright ye herd em, Named Kid! I'm Jesse, Kid. These brutes in front of you may not look like much, but you need help, you ask em! We do lunch runs at 11, Ye can go with Dan for that one. Then after will get you to clean up the kitchen, help put away any gear that ye can, don't want any bells or whatnot on the floor. That's a damn tripping hazard. We can teach you how to spot which would save up a lot of time for everyone having to spot each other. Maybe get some muscle on you at the same time. Then! at night I'll get you to wipe down the equipment, any oiling etcetera!" I nod along to everything mentioned, trying my best to note it all down mentally.

…

The days seem to pass quickly, the gym becoming my home, a place of rest and peace. A place to eat and sleep that's not out on the street. Jesse becoming like a father figure to me. Everyday I work at the gym, I seem to have a knack for working out, each day my strength growing. Being treated like everyone's little sibling, I feel bad for Jesse, my hunger feeling limitless, eating as much as I can. I try my best to hold everything in, the hunger, my feelings, even my words. Speaking little and revealing even less.

I can't leave this home, I can't. Everyday feeling more and more special to me, have I finally made a place for myself?

Sitting in the gym one night, talking to Jesse. What feels like a normal night, what should have been a normal night. He's been looking more tired than usual lately. Is it my fault… should I eat less… but If I do… I'm afraid of the hunger.

"Hey kid… have you seen those ahh blue crystals?" I flinch at the mention of it, looking away from him and into the darkness of the gym, only the light above us on. I shrug and try to look like I don't know the best I can. He chuckles at my reaction. "Mnn yeah I get it… they ruined many peoples' homes… I mean not just the pain it brought, but the after effects too…" I can hear the clinking in his pocket as he moves his hand inside it. Such a familiar sound, one that I could never forget. "I've heard that you can sell even a small bit for a heap of money… thousands… I know a guy, but I don't think that's enough."

He looks at me with concern, worry. I feel… blessed, and cursed that he would talk to me about this, that he would admit to having such a thing worth something, considering I tried to steal from him… that he would trust me. I nod in response, trying not to panic and give myself away.

He continues with a sigh, "If only there was a way to make more of it… the uhh gym, is in a lot of debt." He looks like he just ate something foul along with his words. "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to afford this place… but it's such an important place for the guys here, it's their home too."

I start breathing in harder and panicking more, feeling like he was building to something, something bad.

He pauses for a few minutes before grabbing a beer out of the fridge and sitting back down, trying to put the words together like a puzzle, the puzzle being me. "I heard you talking in your sleep. Thought I'd check in on you… you were saying so many things that didn't make sense. But… one of the things you did say…" I feel my heart giving out as he looks up at me, trying to clarify his own words to be true through my actions. "Was that blood made the crystals grow… fresh blood."

I pull myself up in fear. No no no please don't take this place away from me, I'm doing good I'm making a home for myself! Grabbing Jesse's arm I plead for him, "Please Jesse please don't don't it's bad the crystal is bad, it's bad please… please… it's bad…" I fall to my knees in front of him, the tears flowing freely as I beg again and again hoping the words will reach him.

Jesse stands up, pulling me off him in desperation for me to stop, anger in his voice… this time, is it at me? "Stop! Stop… alright kid I'm sorry… just forget it alright…" He sighs and goes into the kitchen, his voice coming off the walls and back into the gym, the sound of the fridge opening, the clinking of beer as I sit limp on the floor. "You've got to understand kid… adults have a lot more to think on than just the next meal… we have to find meals for others as well… you included…"

His hand slaps into my shoulder, slightly harder than usual, but no less friendly. The lights to the gym go off as he leaves, locking the door behind him, words fluttering through but unable to enter my brain as I sit there in the dark.

This is where I deserve to be. Please.