Divine Wrath for This Holy Armor!
1
Let's rewind a few days. After she finished off the hunk of a would-be general of the Demon King's army, Wiz had shut herself up in her magic-item shop and wouldn't come out. Aqua had been visiting her almost every day, trying to make her feel better. That was where she'd been on this particular day, too, and when she came home… There was Yunyun, waiting on the front step with a gift in hand.
"I wish you would stop acting as if it was other people's fault that you failed the trials!"
"Whose fault is it, then? I kept telling you not to let off your Explosion, so why?! Why do you always have to do it at the worst possible moment?!"
We welcomed Yunyun inside and listened as she explained what was going on.
"Aw, calm down, Yunyun," I said. "Megumin is practically a walking fireworks display. There's no point in telling her not to use Explosion. For Megumin, being quiet and polite would be like an Axis follower showing basic common sense.
It's never gonna happen."
"G-gosh, when you put it that way, it makes me feel kind of like I was the one who made the mistake…" "Excuse me, Kazuma, but that comparison isn't very polite to the Axis Church.
I know my beloved lambs can be rowdy, but they're nowhere near as bad as Megumin."
"Very well, I shall face all three of you at once. Let me show you what happens when a member of the Crimson Magic Clan gets serious!"
At the moment, trials were being held in Crimson Magic Village to determine who would be the next chief. And among the candidates was Yunyun. She'd always described herself as "the next chief of the Crimson Magic Clan" in her self-introduction. And she had attempted the trials back home, but, well… Darkness, sipping tea and listening intently, said, "So a candidate can only attempt the trials three times, and you've already blown two of your chances.
I've heard a bit about the Chief's Trials. In fact, the Dustiness family and Crimson Magic Village go way back. We have a beloved suit of armor that was made in your hometown." She set down her cup elegantly. "The Crimson Magic Trials were traditionally accomplished by one Crimson Magic wizard protected by a defensive guardian–type, or so I've heard… This has to be fate. Megumin is like family to me; please allow me to clean up her mess. I shall be your tank."
"W-will you really?! With your Decoy ability, Darkness, I would feel so safe! P-please, please help me!"
Yunyun was practically glowing. Darkness picked up her tea again with a gentle smile… "I know what's going on here, Darkness. You haven't had anything to do for a while, so you're trying to soak up the limelight. You're still stinging from being shot down by Wiz's boyfriend, aren't you?"
"Pfft!" Darkness spat out her tea at my quip.
Not letting up, I asked Yunyun: "Are you sure you need to become the chief? I know your family has held the position for generations, so are you, like, gonna be disowned if you don't do it? The chief is the number one big shot in the village, right? I bet the competition's pretty fierce." Darkness was looking at me angrily, but I was too busy sympathizing with Yunyun, who was starting to mope.
"Not really. There's a lot of lazy bums in the Crimson Magic Clan, so actually, pretty much nobody wants to be chief, with all its restrictions and responsibilities…" Yunyun looked at me seriously. "I don't have any special skills or talents, so I'm always at a loss for what to say in my introduction…" "I think you'd better give up on becoming chief. I'll help you think of a new intro."
"That's my Kazuma; five minutes and the problem is solved!" Aqua chirped, but Yunyun stood up in a hurry.
"No, wait, that's not all there is to this! There's no unity in the Crimson Magic Clan, so who knows what they'll do if no one is chief…? But like I said, I'm the only one who wants to undergo these difficult trials…" I could definitely see how letting the Crimson Magic Clan members do whatever they want could turn into a serious problem. But with the generally serious, sensible, class-rep-ish Yunyun leading them… Then Megumin, who until that moment had been sitting on the sofa with Chomusuke on her knees, scratching the cat's ears, said, "I can see there is no choice. I shall become chief, then."
"You can't even use advanced magic! What, are you going to come back to the village if you become chief?! If you're just saying that because you think chief sounds like a cool title, I'm going to be very angry!"
I guess knowing advanced magic was a prerequisite for chiefdom in the Crimson Magic Clan.
"All right, calm down, you two," I said. "Point is, Yunyun needs a powerful partner, right? I'm the man for the job. I'll show you that I'm better in a pinch than anyone you know."
Megumin and the others froze as the words sank in. "Wh-what is wrong with you? The Kazuma I know would consider this whole affair too much trouble to be bothered with, so why are you so amenable today?" Megumin appeared to be speaking (rudely) for everyone, but Darkness clapped her hands as if it all made sense. "It's because there are so many beautiful women in Crimson Magic Village!"
"What, you're assuming I'm some kind of sex-crazed animal just because you're a noble bimbo who got shot down? Looks like you're not taking me seriously. I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson." I seem to have gotten Darkness riled up again, though she didn't exactly look upset about it… "I've got it! You had your name in the newspaper the other day, Kazuma, and now you want to lay low in Crimson Magic Village until this whole thing blows over! After you saw Duke come after Wiz, you're worried that some adventurer might do the same to you!" Aqua said blithely but with devastating accuracy.
Why would she pick now of all times to suddenly develop razor-sharp intuition?
"Th-that's so not even it! Unlike all of you who cause me nothing but trouble, Yunyun is my rare sensible friend. If she's got a problem, of course I'm going to help her!"
"Excuse me, but I do not believe we have been nearly as much trouble to you as we used to be… Yunyun, why are you blushing?! He just said the first thing that came into his head, like he always does! You are much, much too easy!"
said Megumin.
Yunyun, taken in by my talk of friends and rarity and whatever, was grinning like an idiot.
"Kazuma, are you really going to be Yunyun's partner?" asked Darkness. "You know there's nothing but powerful monsters around Crimson Magic Village, right? My attacks might not land, but I can at least shield her. You, on the other hand…" "That's right, Kazuma—you're so weak that the only thing you could do with those monsters would be to get eaten by them. You should just stay home with me this time. The newspaper might ask you to do another interview, and anyway, I'm sure Darkness wants to redeem herself for being such a failure… Ow! Darkness, I'm backing you up here; why would you do that? Stop! Stop it!!"
Their logic sort of took the wind out of my sails. And when I really thought about it, this was a town full of novice adventurers. No one would bother coming all the way here simply for a challenge, right…? But just as I was thinking that, and as Aqua was busy eating Darkness's knuckle sandwich, the doorbell rang, and the door opened.
It was a woman from the Adventurers Guild. "Is Mr. Kazuma Satou at home?"
she asked. "Erm… A high-level adventurer from the capital wishes to meet Mr.
Satou. If you have a few minutes, perhaps you could come to the Guild?"
"Sorry, but I'm just about to go to Crimson Magic Village to help a very dear friend of mine. I don't think I'll be back for a while, so tell them to reschedule," I said immediately, then turned back to the others.
"K-Kazuma, thank you…!" Yunyun said, clearly moved, while I flashed a smile at the lady.
"Here's what you should tell that adventurer: Kazuma Satou is off facing impossible trials for the sake of his friend. And since I might not come back alive, they don't have to feel compelled to wait for me."
"M-Mr. Satou…" Even the Guild girl, swept up in the heat of the moment, was getting emotional. I hadn't started my day expecting to leave on an impromptu trip, but it was better than sticking around to be challenged by a high-level adventurer from the capital. I just had to put on a good show of getting out of here, and then I could come back when things had cooled down a little… The Guild lady, her eyes sparkling, said to me, "Yes, sir! I'll be sure to convey your message to the gorgeous woman adventurer who says she's a fan of yours!"
"…Eh?"
2
The next morning.
"Yunyun, aren't you ready yet?! Everything's all set! We're going to knock these trials out in one day flat!" I'd gotten together everything I needed the day before, so now I was just waiting to leave. I was fidgeting in the foyer in the gray predawn light.
"I can feel the call, Kazuma! It's a knight's job to defend! Let me help with the trials!" Darkness was just as fidgety as I was and almost as eager.
"No way. There's a gorgeous lady adventurer waiting for me when I come back. I have to show off and earn some style points!"
"Th-that's a dumb reason to get in my way! Come on, Kazuma—you can afford to share the glory once in a while! This isn't like you! Why didn't you go meet your fan yesterday?" Maybe Darkness was really itching for a chance to feel like a real adventurer again, because she had me by the shoulders and was shaking me… "That's because if you rush off to meet a fan the moment they say they want to see you, it makes you look desperate, and that's not cool. First, I'll go solve Yunyun's problem. Then I can stroll through the door of the Guild, saying something like, 'Ah, another adventure in the books. That last boss sure was a pushover, just like all the others,' loud enough for everyone to hear me. Then, when I just happen to bump into this fangirl, I say, 'Oh, and you are…?' All natural-like."
"You have a whole script planned out…? I see you scrape through each day by the skin of your teeth. You sure choose the weirdest times to act conceited…" Darkness looked so exasperated that I just had to come up with a quip, but what to say? "I need a good story to tell this fan of mine. That's why I'm going to steal the show this time. You just stay here and watch the house for me."
"I w-will not! The Chief's Trials are spoken of in the great tales as a challenge where the vanguard and the rearguard work together to overcome adversity.
Those are the stories that inspired me to become an adventurer! Kazuma, this is such a rare chance! Please, for once, listen to what I want!"
"I don't know what inspired you to become an adventurer, but I'll bet it was something a lot filthier than that! Don't you lie to me! I want to play hero sometimes, too!"
"I-it's not a lie! I won't deny that I have some less-than-wholesome aspirations, but when I was young, it was the trials that gave me a dream! Listen to you! 'Play hero'! If your motivation is that superficial, then let me do it!"
As we each tried to shove the other back into the house, Megumin appeared and said, "If you are both so eager to play hero-and-wizard, then when we get home from Crimson Magic Village, I will gladly let you protect me as much as you want, so please keep it together until then." Her voice came sleepily but with a hint of annoyance. She was dressed in a light outfit.
There was a reason Darkness and I had been at each other's throats. There was a story they told in this world, an epic tale about a girl and boy who overcome every challenge together, until the girl finally becomes queen of her nation. The heroes of the story are a brave wizard girl and a taciturn knight boy.
Once they conquer trials and tribulations and the girl achieves her dream, the last thing she does is marry the knight, and they live happily ever after. An instant classic.
The trials for the chiefdom of Crimson Magic Village were allegedly based on this story. But… "Uh, I'm not sure protecting you would be all that…exciting, Megumin…" "Er, he's right… It seems a bit less like a heroic epic and more like a picaresque."
"Very well, then I shall not be the princess who needs protecting but rather, the last boss! The evil wizard who appears at the end of the story! Now, have at me!" Megumin was flourishing her staff, already way too into this, when we heard happy humming from the yard. We looked out to see Aqua watering the garden with water she had magically created for herself.
"Watering the vegetables for our trip? We already asked Wiz to take care of Chomusuke and Zel—might as well ask her to water the garden, too, ri—?" But before I even finished my sentence, I saw what was growing there and stopped.
The plant Aqua was proudly watering was a sprout about the size of the palm of your hand…and shaped like a little girl. Yes, it was a Leisure Girl.
"That's right! Everything got so crazy for a while there that I forgot, but you said you were growing Leisure Girls out here! Darkness, Megumin! Hold Aqua back for a minute; I'm going to finish this thing off before we leave on our trip!"
I stalked closer to pull the Leisure Girl up by the roots, but Aqua crouched over it protectively, putting up a ridiculous argument.
"What are you talking about?! I won't let you, you cold-blooded NEET! You don't have to worry—I'm sure that if I water her with the pure holy water produced by a goddess, she'll grow up to be a good girl!"
"No way! No more pets in this house! I've got my hands full just trying to take care of Chomusuke and Emperor Zel and you, and now you want to add another burden?"
"Please! I promise I'll water her whenever she needs it and walk her every day… Wait, was I on that list just now?"
I guess the Leisure Girl sprout in front of us couldn't understand our conversation yet, because it was just smiling innocently.
…And I'm gonna kill it?
"H-hey, Darkness, it's a noble's duty to keep the town safe, right? You wanted a chance to shine, so I'll let you have this one…" ... No response from Darkness. "C'mon," I added, "you can't be that attached to it just because you've been watering it with Aqua the last few days! Time to step up, Governor, and protect this town from monsters!"
"You sure talk a good game—all right, this is a compulsory quest from your governor to you, an adventurer! See that Leisure Girl? I want you to…to…" The Leisure Girl pointed playfully at Darkness. Her conviction faltered. "…I wonder what would happen if we replanted her in some corner of Crimson Magic Village, someplace no one would ever go…" She knew it wasn't good for a governor to let a monster live; you could tell from how small her voice was.
It was almost time to meet Yunyun. With the exception of Aqua, all our pets were already with Wiz, and we were set to go.
"Now we just have to wait for Yunyun," I said. "Knowing how, uh, thoughtful she is, I sort of expected her to be super early…" "No, I believe she will appear at precisely the right moment. You see, back in the village, she once made plans to hang out with some friends, and from sheer excitement, she arrived something like half a day in advance. I advised her that if she appeared so overeager, her friends would start to avoid her."
Yeah, I guess there was such a thing as being too excited.
Then we heard the town bell ring, signaling the very hour we had agreed to meet Yunyun. At that moment, a magic circle shimmered into view in front of our house, and Yunyun appeared in a flash of light.
"I know you are perfectly punctual, but this habit of timing your arrival down to the very second will also cause people to avoid you!"
"What?! Wh-why are you so mad at me when I just got here?!" As Yunyun teleported in, Megumin greeted her with a scolding, causing Yunyun to look at each of us, one by one… "Good morning, everyone. I look forward to taking this trip with y— Um, e-excuse me, but that thing Aqua is holding… Is that…?"
"This is Deadscream Bloody Mary, and she's going to be the chief of Crimson Magic Forest. She'll be moving in right next door to you, Yunyun, so be nice."
When Yunyun got a good look at the potted plant in Aqua's hands, she seemed very puzzled. "That's a Leisure Girl, isn't it? That name you gave her— or, well, I guess it sounds more like a nickname or something—but anyway, I think you should change it… Come to think of it, everyone in the village always warned me specifically to never get anywhere near a Leisure Girl. I wonder why…" "Because these monsters are the natural enemies of lonely young ladies.
Don't give them an inch just because they're small."
Yunyun must have known what a Leisure Girl was, and she looked at ours just a bit wistfully. But then she quickly shook her head. "All right, then, everyone, let's get going. Teleport!"
A magic circle appeared on the ground, carrying us off to Crimson Magic Village.
3
The Crimson Magic Clan charged themselves with keeping an eye on the Demon King's castle, and they worked day and night to churn out magical items.
"Wha—? Y-Yunyun? Megumin?!"
This village was populated entirely by paragons of wizardry, some of the most powerful fighting forces known to humankind… "Big news! Megumin and Yunyun came back, and they're with outsiders!
Hurry and get changed, everyone!"
...… "Hold on a second! My robes were all chewed up by moths, so I got rid of them! I have to go buy new ones!"
"Hey, I don't have my staff! Lend me that broom!"
"My black cape! Where'd I put my black cape? Ugh, Mooom! Where's my cape?!"
Our sudden appearance in the middle of the village threw the place into an uproar. Two girls came running from the front gate. "Come on, you two! You know you're supposed to warn us if you're going to bring outsiders here!"
"That's right! Thanks to you, everyone is panicking! It's one thing if you show up on foot, but if you're just going to teleport right into the middle of town, you have to give us a chance to get ready!"
I recognized these girls. They were classmates of Megumin's, if I was remembering them correctly… "Ah, Sakiberii and Nerimaki, my old classmates. It's been quite a while," Megumin said.
"We're Funifura and Dodonko! You can't even remember our names? We visited you in Axel, for crying out loud!"
"Yeah, you could at least remember our names!"
Ah yes, Funifura and Dodonko. They were wearing proper Crimson Magic– style robes and trying to stand in front of us so we wouldn't see the Crimson Magickers racing around the village.
"Hey, girls, it's been a while. I'm just curious: Why is everyone in the village running around like chickens with their heads cut off?" I inquired.
"We're supposed to be a village of wizards. Visitors would be disappointed if we all just dressed like normal people, right? Normally, the band of NEETs that roams the village lets us know if anyone's coming, but…" "But they can't do that when you teleport right into the middle of town!"
"You all don't have to bother getting changed just for tourists like us. Save that energy for fighting the Demon King."
As we spoke, a few of the wizards who had disappeared into their houses emerged dressed all in black. It was kind of obnoxious how they tried to act nonchalant and go about their business but kept glancing at us like, Hey, are they looking?
Aqua trotted over to one wizard stirring a large cauldron outside his house.
"Hey, Kazuma, look at this! A mystery brew! This wizard is making a mysterious potion!" It definitely did look like the black-clad wizard stirring the cauldron was making a classic magical brew.
"O girl from beyond the village, I advise you not to come too close… For I am making the forbidden—" "Curry! Kazuma, it's curry! I can smell it!"
The wizard looked away uncomfortably. His eyes traveled everywhere but directly at Aqua.
"Look, Kazuma, that Crimson Magic Clan girl over there is drawing a magic circle. It looks like she's performing some sort of ritual…," Darkness whispered. I glanced over and saw a gorgeous young lady muttering to herself and preparing a circle. As we watched from afar, the diagram started to glow, then pulse gently. Aqua, attracted by the pretty lights, went over to have a look.
"You there, keep your distance! It's dangerous! I'm about to perform a ritual to free a great and powerful demon who was sealed long ago… The circle is already exuding a dark and terrible magic. Pay me no mind and be on your way.
We Crimson Magic Clansfolk do this sort of thing all the time. Destroying an ancient evil is child's play for us."
The girl gave a fleeting smile and raised her arms resolutely. I knew there were a lot of dangerous things sealed away in this village, from evil deities to goddesses to weapons from long ago, but they even had an ancient demon?
How ridiculous!
"You need a demon vanquished? Just leave it to me! Your friendly neighborhood Aqua, high-level Arch-priest, will put that thing's lights out the moment it shows up!" Despite the young woman's warning, Aqua sounded downright heroic as she stepped forward. Her nose twitched, and she said, "That's funny—I don't feel any dark magic. I'm not detecting any of that demon smell yet. I don't think it's going to show up anytime soon. But it's okay—I've got time to kill. I'll wait around all day if it means I get to beat up a demon!"
And then she sat down right where she was to watch the magic circle. She looked like she was in it for the long haul, despite the fact that she was still holding her Leisure Girl sprout. Meanwhile, for some reason, the young woman was starting to sweat.
"Megumin, is it just me, or does that girl Aqua's trying to help out look like she's in trouble?"
"Ah, that would be Soketto. That magic circle doesn't do anything but glow a little. It's just a thing we do to wow tourists sometimes. Aqua's the first one to respond to it that way, and now Soketto doesn't know what to do."
Why was everyone here like this? After a few minutes, the young woman gave an exaggerated shake of her head. "Hrgh… The demon is fighting me… It seems to be terrified of your power! I'm afraid I don't think I have enough magic to break the seal. But that's just as well. You have my gratitude. Thanks to you, the village is safe…" "Not enough magic? Just leave it to me! Hey, Kazuma, come lend this girl some of my magic! I'll happily give up tons of my sacred MP if that's what it takes to draw out a demon!" Aqua wanted me to use Drain Touch to transfer MP to the girl, but the young woman was making a face like she was trying to pass a kidney stone.
"Demon slaying? You got it. I'd be happy to help out with that."
"That's my Kazuma; you're so quick! Don't worry, young lady! My MP is inexhaustible, so you can have as much as you want!"
"Kazuma, Aqua! You're going to make Soketto cry!"
4
Having been discouraged from continuing to tease the young woman, we decided to briefly part ways with Yunyun to pay a visit to Megumin's house.
Megumin sighed as she walked along with us. "I don't know what to do with you. Soketto is normally so calm and collected, and you nearly brought her to tears. That girl is the greatest fortune-teller in the Crimson Magic Clan. If you give her too much trouble, she might just tell you something about your future that you don't want to know."
"Sorry, she was just so pretty, I couldn't help myself. What wouldn't I want to hear about my future, though? I don't have anything to hide these days. You won't intimidate me that easily."
We'd been together for so long now, we were bound by deep, strong ties. I didn't have any more secrets that could embarrass me in front of my friends… "A while back, this NEET who got on Soketto's bad side, Bukkororii, found out she had divined not only when he took a bath and went to the toilet but even his most embarrassing past secrets and sexual proclivities, plus all the many moments he spent, ahem, 'talking to himself' in the middle of the night. He didn't come out of his room for quite a while after that."
"I'm going to apologize to that young woman the moment we see her again," I said. Then I took another look around Crimson Magic Village. At first glance, it seemed a lot like any small rural town, but closer inspection revealed a number of unusual quirks. As we passed in front of one particular little shop, Darkness said, "H-hey, Megumin, what's that person doing? Their golem appears to be attacking a spinning pot. Is that some sort of ritual?"
"That person is the greatest potter in the Crimson Magic Clan. They are spinning the pot with telekinesis while also controlling the golem. They do it that way because they'd prefer not to get their hands dirty by actually touching the clay."
That person needed to apologize to all the other potters in the world.
"Hey, hey. So what are those people doing?" Aqua said, pointing to where a number of Crimson Magic Clan members were carrying baskets full of clothes.
"Tornado!" one Crimson Magic Clan member who looked like a housewife intoned, and a whirlwind sprang up in front of her.
"Create Water!" another housewife said, sending droplets into the tornado.
She carefully controlled the water so it would stay within the powerful magic whirlwind… All the other housewives started flinging clothes into the tornado.
"They are simply doing the laundry," Megumin informed us.
"You guys sure know how to waste magic," I said.
This conversation had brought us all the way to the edge of town. "...…I think this should be the place…," Megumin said. She was gazing vacantly up at a brand-new house that was by far the largest in the village. It bore some resemblance to the ramshackle old place we'd stayed in the last time we were here, but not much.
Megumin finally shook herself and took a few wobbly steps toward the front door, then rang the bell. There was a pounding of feet from inside, and then someone shouted: "Who's there?!"
"Oh-ho, who do you think?" Megumin said. She was obviously hoping to surprise her little sister, Komekko, since we'd come back so suddenly. While Megumin stood there grinning proudly, there was a click from the other side of the door. Locking it, apparently.
"Our house may look nice, but we don't have any money. Please go away."
"It's me! Your older sister, Megumin! I know you recognize my voice—now open up!" Megumin shouted, and finally the door opened a little bit. Not all the way: Apparently, Komekko was still suspicious.
"…I don't have an older sister. She exploded."
"The things this child says! I am your older sister! You can see me; I'm right here! Look!!"
No sooner had Komekko confirmed that it was indeed Megumin than she slammed the door shut.
"Anyone who comes back to the village again and again but doesn't even bother to show her face at home is no sister of mine."
"Hey! N-no, listen… I was here to help Yunyun with the trials, not for a visit… Komekko, are you sulking because I didn't come see you? I'll play lots and lots with you this evening, so don't be so upset." Megumin smiled—a little painfully, but not without a certain amount of gratification.
"I don't care if you visit me or not, Sis, but if you're going to come home, you could at least bring a gift."
"I'm going to pretend you don't mean that! You're just saying that because you're upset, right? It's quite hurtful, so please don't say that again!"
Komekko still showed no sign of letting us in, so I took a souvenir out of my backpack. "Heyo, Komekko, long time no see. You remember your big bro Kazuma, right? I brought you some treats!"
"Welcome home, Big Bro!"
"Komekko, you do not have a big brother, only a big sister! Welcome me home as well!"
Once we were finally inside, we took a look around the completely refurbished house.
"Here's tea."
"Why, thank you. You're so thoughtful, Komekko," Aqua said, pleased by the girl's assiduous nature.
"Is this for me?"
"Now, sweetheart, she's not food, and she's not your gift, either. You shouldn't try to eat things that are human-shaped anyway."
Komekko was eyeing the potted Leisure Girl on the table and drooling.
"Now then, Komekko. As your older sister who has continually been sending funds home, I think I have a right to inquire about this new house."
"The old house went poof! So we built this new one."
Come to think of it, we had heard something not that long ago about Megumin's house being destroyed.
"Yes, I remember hearing that. However, the furniture and everything else here is noticeably nicer than what I myself have at home…" She looked a bit conflicted.
Komekko, stuffing her face with the treats I'd given her, announced, "You're stingy, Sis."
"Where did you learn language like that? It was that NEET Bukkororii; I'm sure of it! When Mom and Dad get home, I'm going to give them a piece of my mind regarding this house!"
5
That night.
"And that's why we had to rebuild the house, but we don't have any money!
If you hold any love for your mother, please don't stop sending us cash!"
"Fine, I understand, so please stop tugging on my cape! Everyone is looking!
This is embarrassing—stop!" We interrogated Megumin's mom when she got home, only to discover the house had been built and furnished with borrowed money. "Hrm, well, at least the house has gotten a bit bigger. Speaking of which, Kazuma and the rest of us will be in the village for a while, so we'll stay here for a few days, all right? Now, where is my room?" Megumin asked. She sounded tired.
"…Huh? Er, Megumin, your room… Your room is…" "Excuse me, your blood daughter asks you to guide her promptly to her room.
Otherwise, there will be no more remittances for my pathetic parents."
That caused Yuiyui to fling herself down in front of Megumin. "You live in such a gorgeous mansion, we figured you would never come home again! We have a few empty rooms; pick any one you want! I recommend the one farthest back on the second floor, okay?! It's a big room with nice, thick walls so you can sleep with Kazuma."
"If you have all these extra rooms, then we'll each take one, obviously! Please do not try to cause your nubile young daughter to share a room with a young man!"
Despite Megumin's agitation, Yuiyui looked at me seriously. "Kazuma, my good man, you would prefer shared quarters with my daughter, wouldn't you?"
"Damn right I would."
"Shut up! You're only making this worse!" Megumin snapped.
"Hey, you were the one asking me how many kids I wanted!"
"Don't say that in front of my mother! I was talking about the future anyway!"
Aqua beckoned Komekko over to her. "Don't listen to anything they're saying, sweetheart. Here, I'll make you some origami. Look, it's the Mad Bomber Moguninnin!"
"Wow, cool!"
I was extremely curious what a Mad Bomber was, not to mention a Moguninnin.
While Aqua had Komekko distracted, things were heating up with Darkness and Megumin.
"Megumin, why you—! You're always calling me Lewdsader and Pervy Noble, yet you've been secretly making plans to have a family?! You filthy girl!"
"Who's filthy? Forget it! Kazuma, we're going out! I haven't done my daily you-know-what yet. There has to be something good to blow up around here."
She grabbed my hand and started to pull me out of the house, obviously realizing that this situation wasn't going to get any better for her.
But Yuiyui said, "Her daily…what? Darkness, just what is it that my daughter does every day?"
"All I can tell you is that it comes in a great burst that takes all her energy and leaves her unable to move."
"Darkness, don't deliberately phrase things in a way that invites misunderstanding! It sounds so dirty when you put it like that!"
I guess Darkness was getting Megumin back for calling her Lewdness or something.
"I also don't mind telling you that this thing she does every day makes such a tremendous noise that it's become famous all over Axel. Recently, people have even started coming to watch…" "And my daughter does this in public?!"
"All I'm doing is using explosion magic! Darkness, if you continue to mislead my mother, you'll pay for it!"
Megumin was beet red, but Darkness said seriously, "Do you think you can get on my good side just by saying you'll make me pay for this? It's not as if I dislike you, Megumin, but I'm not really interested in doing that sort of thing with another woman."
"I'm not trying to get on your— Argh! I think being hit by too many monsters has scrambled your brains! That's enough; Kazuma, we're getting out of here! … What? Kazuma?"
As for me, I'd activated my Ambush skill so I could escape the house before I got caught up in even more trouble.
6
As far as I was concerned, Darkness could help Megumin with her daily "thing." Out in the twilight in Crimson Magic Village, I found myself standing in front of a shop that had caught my attention when we'd been wandering around earlier.
The facade bore a prominent pink sign that read BAR SUCCUBUS LINGERIE. Okay, so the name didn't leave much to the imagination, but given there was a real "succubus service" place in Axel, it made sense that there might be similar shops in other towns. And the "lingerie" part intrigued me.
In Japan, they had these things called "lingerie pubs," or so I was told. Places where alcohol was served by ladies wearing only their underwear—again, just what I'd heard.
A guy can dream all the filthy things he wants, but once in a while, it's nice to be doted on in reality, too. The succubus place in Axel was almost too good, so that "adult" establishments like this hardly existed.
They say that what happens on a trip stays on a trip. It couldn't hurt to let it all hang out every once in a while. It didn't even matter to me if it wasn't real succubi running the place. I knew how many pretty girls there were here in Crimson Magic Village.
I know what you're thinking: How could I go to a place like this just when I was starting to get into it with Megumin? I'll tell you how: A place like this doesn't count. I was just going to enjoy a little adult refreshment with some lovely ladies around.
That, at least, was the rationalization I repeated to myself over and over as I opened the door… "Oh-ho, welcome, outsider. All by yourself? Maybe you'd like a seat at the counter, then?"
The instant I saw the entire shop was occupied by middle-aged dudes, I knew I'd been baited. I sat down at the counter, throwing away the last of my hope.
"So, uh, is this just a regular bar?"
"Even better. It's a tavern-slash-inn, named by the most intelligent person in the Crimson Magic Clan. Every outsider who shows up here asks the same question."
…The most intelligent person in the Crimson Magic Clan, huh?
"Would that happen to be the same person who named the public baths Mixed-Bathing Hot Springs, even though they aren't hot springs and they definitely don't offer mixed bathing?"
"You're very clever, sir. It is, and the same person came up with the names of all our tourist attractions."
I really wished they would use all this intelligence and wasted magic on fighting the Demon King.
To just turn around and leave the bar would be to admit I had fallen for the ploy hook, line, and sinker. So I decided to have a drink before I left. The drink came right away, and I sipped at it and thought about missed opportunities.
"Welcome, O visitor from outside. My name is Nerimaki, greatest barkeep's daughter of the Crimson Magic Clan! And she who shall one day be the keeper of this bar herself! You're a companion of Megumin's, and I'll be happy to grant you this dish on the house. But in return, you must tell me how she and Yunyun are doing in Axel—sound good?"
I suddenly found myself confronted by a plate of food I hadn't ordered and a girl with long black hair sitting down next to me. From the way she talked about Megumin and Yunyun, I guessed she must be their classmate or something. She was curious how her old friends were doing in a distant land. So, in a voice loud enough that not only Nerimaki but all the eavesdropping Crimson Magic Clanners around me could hear, I told tales of their adventures… "Wh-whaaat?! Yunyun? Two boyfriends?! And? And?! What are they like?!"
"Well, one of them is this blond-haired punk. The other is a guy with the personality of a devil—heck, he might actually be a devil."
Nerimaki was smacking the bar with her hand, her black hair flying everywhere. Now the villagers would finally stop referring to Yunyun as "the lonely girl." It was just a nice opportunity to do a good deed, and I looked forward to how Yunyun would thank me in the coming days.
"She's two-timing! Whatever happened to the sweet, pure Yunyun who helped me research cool poses? She and Megumin were so…you know, close to each other, that I was sure…!"
As Nerimaki whispered in amazement to herself, I shook my glass, clinking the ice, trying to look my most adult. "It might also interest you to know that Megumin is currently building a 'grown-up' relationship with yours truly. I have nothing against girls being into girls, but when two such beautiful women get together, it's humanity's loss. I'm trying to fight the population decline caused by the Demon King with every fiber of my being."
"That sounds great and all, but you're talking about making babies, aren't you?" Nerimaki scored neatly off the opportunity I'd presented to her.
Meanwhile, the bar was suddenly in an uproar. And the perpetrator was…
Aigis sat down next to Nerimaki and gave her a thumbs-up.
"You've got guts, talking like that to a member of the Crimson Magic Clan, the strongest mages on the planet. I guess the line between idiocy and heroism is paper-thin."
Nerimaki, apparently accustomed to this sort of treatment by drunken customers, stuck a finger inside Aigis's armor as if she was actually curious.
Trying not to look too interested myself by the surreal scene, I said, "So what the heck are you doing here? I thought Lady Eris got you off this plane."
"Okay, so you ran away. But how'd you end up here?"
<…You say, 'Crimson Magic Village,' I say, 'powerful monsters everywhere.' That's right—I set the guy a trial. To see if he could become a man worthy of the likes of me!> Geez, first the Crimson Magic Clan with their Chief's Trials, now this guy— what was it with people and trials around here?
"Excuse me, sir, but I seem to remember your exact words being: 'Wow, it's just like everyone says—there are chicks for miles around here! That tears it: I'm gonna live in this village the rest of my days!' Yes?"
"It's a piece of…something."
Aigis, having foisted the milk on me, said, <'Bout that. My plan's to stay here and spend time with the ladies for a while, then roll on over to the Eris church to see my master. Hey, girl, I paid for my room in advance, so stop scraping at me, wouldja?> Nerimaki had a spoon and was industriously trying to loosen some flakes from the front of the armor.
I was still holding the milk as I said, "So you're gonna be around for the time being? Perfect. Truth is, we're doing the Chief's Trials here in the village. I might need a little help. Can I count on you?"
She's gonna scrape me down to nothing at all,> Aigis said, increasingly