May We Settle Matters with This Dark Goddess’s Servant!

1

"Just stop causing so much trouble already! Take it off! Or do you want me to tear it off you?! Stop fighting me!"

"N-no, don't! I…I can't believe this…! What's gotten into you, Kazuma? What sudden impulse…causes you to lust after my body like a wild animal…?!"

What an idiot!

"I mean take off that stupid armor! Why do you always, always go charging into the enemy formation?! It's cursed! I'm sure that armor has a curse on it!"

"It's not cursed! A cursed item can't be removed once it's equipped and continues to cause catastrophe for the wearer until they die. I'm able to take this armor off, so that weird excitement that comes over me in battle must be a blessing, not a curse!"

"So you admit you get weirdly excited in battle! That'll make things easy. I don't care if it's a curse or a blessing or what, just take it off already! C-come on —stop fighting me! I'll buy you the very best armor in town, just get this thing off!"

After leaving Axel, we and the other adventurer bodyguards had been involved in a number of other fights with monsters, until we finally made it to Arcanletia, but… "No way! You gave this to me as a gift; you can't take it back! It's the very first armor anyone's ever given me, and it's special Crusader equipment with powerful enchantments to boot! I'm going to hand this down as an heirloom in the Dustiness family. I've made up my mind. Until we defeat the Demon King, I'm not taking this armor off except for when I sleep and when I bathe."

"Why'd you have to get so stubborn all of a sudden?! I can't use any of my offensive magic because you keep winding up right in the middle of it! Do you know how much suffering you've caused on this trip?! The adventurers who are supposed to be guarding us pretty much end up in tears every time!"

We were standing in the road in Arcanletia, and I was arguing with Darkness, who steadfastly refused to take off the armor I'd given her. Whatever it was, it clearly had some weird side effects. It appeared to banish fear from the wearer's heart and cause courage to well up within them. Probably would have been a huge blessing for a normal Crusader, but with our Crusader, it just meant more trouble.

The upshot of this side effect was that when a battle started, Darkness went charging straight at the monsters, regardless of what anyone else said.

I'd forgotten that Wiz had picked out this armor. I knew her sense of judgment, and I should have been perfectly well aware of what that implied… It was then that Megumin, who had been observing the argument closely, spoke. "Perhaps we should give up, Kazuma. The side effects are no doubt strange, but this armor is certainly a good thing. It may indeed be legendary-tier equipment. With this on, she might even survive one of my explosions."

"What are you saying?! That you would do it? Are you saying you would drop an explosion on a bunch of monsters even if Darkness was in there with them?!"

Darkness met this obnoxious pronouncement with folded arms and a nod. "I wouldn't mind in the least. The last time one of Megumin's explosions hit me, I lost consciousness. But this time I'll pull through."

"A good point. This journey might be the perfect time to settle once and for all which is greater: my magic or Darkness's durability."

"Save it for when we have Aqua back or when we return to Axel! In fact, just stop already! If you won't take that armor off, I really will tear it off you!" I said, and then I stuck my hand out toward Darkness, assuming the Steal position…!

"Go ahead, try it."

"Huh?" I said dumbly.

Darkness, her arms still folded, responded, "I said, try it. I couldn't care less."

I was shocked she would say something so stupid right out in public.

"Wh-what's wrong with you? This is Steal we're talking about. Right out in public. You saying you want a humiliation game out here in front of everybody?"

"At this moment, I can't be broken with such talk! Besides, I'm the only one who's never experienced your Steal. That might have been enough to make me back down before, but with the blessing of this armor filling me with courage, I fear nothing now. So go ahead and do it! I know you always get cold feet at the crucial moment. If you think you can tear this off me 'out here in front of everybody,' then just you try!"

"Y-you pervert! Why're you so aggressive?! Are you even listening to yourself? I knew there was something wrong with that armor! Fine, I can't do it —I admit it! So just back off!"

The pervert (her lewdness focused in an ever more awful direction by the armor) was bearing down on me.

"This is quite odd… We're making all this commotion, and yet, no one has come to gawk. I'm sure most of the population of this city is made up of Axis followers. And they are always full of curiosity, love fights and trouble, adore chaotic situations, and will never fail to get in on the action in the hopes of doing even more damage. Standing by the roadside and shouting about how Darkness may have her armor torn off should bring them running."

"I sure get tired of the trouble they cause, but you know what? You're right.

The last time we were here, you couldn't keep the evangelists away with a stick.

What's going on?" When I looked around, I realized that, in fact, there was hardly anyone else on the street at all. It was awfully quiet… "Doesn't it seem like there aren't many people around for such a big town?

What's going on here? Did something happen?" Darkness surveyed the land as well, then tilted her head in curiosity.

It was Megumin who suggested, "Perhaps we can ask about what has happened as we continue our journey. From this point, we have to decide whether to take a carriage or to walk, so we better get started arranging our transportation."

2

"Welcome, welcome! What would you like? We have a limited-time daily lunch special that comes with something sweet. If you want my recommendation, that's it. Incidentally, this shop offers a thirty percent discount for Axis followers. Take one of these if you're interested!" The waitress smiled broadly and handed us menus along with sheets of paper. The papers were, naturally, professions of faith in the Axis Church.

…Ah, yes. Arcanletia was like that. We had come to the restaurant in hopes of getting information and lunch at the same time, but we were immediately receiving our baptism in the ways of this city.

"Um… Okay, I'll have the lunch special."

"Certainly! And for you, Miss?"

"A Neroid and a sandwich, please."

"Of course!" The waitress continued to beam as she took Megumin's and my orders.

Then Darkness opened the menu. "Let's see. I'll have—" "—dirt shoved in your stupid face, I hope," the waitress spat, her smile never slipping. Then she went into the kitchen.

"..." Darkness sat there with her menu open, shaking, her face flushing.

"Geez," I said, "hide your Eris pendant when we come to this city."

"I… I will not…" Darkness had made sure the pendant was clearly visible from the moment we arrived in Arcanletia; I guess our last visit had given her a taste for the sort of treatment she received while she was wearing it here.

"Still, this place does seem awfully quiet for lunchtime. Normally, this town is always bustling with freaks and weirdos," Megumin, a member of the Crimson Magic Clan, said of the Axis Church.

It was true, though, that everything seemed like a lot less trouble than the last time we had been here. Back then, we'd been the object of depressing invitations just walking down the street… "The Axis followers of this town have gone, under the command of Lord Zesta, highest leader in the Axis Church, to clear the monsters from the path to the Demon King's castle," declared a woman standing proudly in front of the Axis church building. A follower herself, she bore a blue chest plate and carried a mace in one hand and a silver shield in the other.

We'd come to the church after lunch, figuring it was the best place to get information. With Darkness in the middle of it all at the restaurant, we'd lost the opportunity to ask them for any tips.

"So Axis followers actually do something for the world's benefit every once in a while," Darkness observed.

"Please stop viewing us Axis followers as if we live only to cause trouble to others. All nasty rumors about the Axis Church are started by heartless, evil Eris followers." The woman sounded downright grief-stricken as she stood protectively in front of the church building.

"Say, why aren't you with the others?"

"With most of the Axis followers out of town, the bill for having done exactly as we liked every day is coming due. The city's various minority groups, starting with the female clerics of Eris, are coming to do mischief to our church."

"So you do know that you run roughshod over this town! You going to be all right by yourself?" I was just a little worried for the woman, who looked familiar to me.

"I'll be fine. I have this big, hard, thick mace that I'll pound into any heretics who may accost me."

"S-stop that! This is why people speak poorly about the Axis Church! By the way… Have you seen an Arch-priest named Aqua around here? She's a companion of mine. We're trying to get some information, but none of the shops in this town will hear us out."

The woman smiled brightly when she heard the name Aqua. "She was here!

Yes, Lady Aqua was here! She flinched as she came into town, saying, 'You're… not mad that I purified the mainspring?' My, but she was adorable! In fact, it was her words that sent all the city's Axis followers out on the road! Ahhh, how I wish I could have joined that monster hunt…! Unfortunately, I lost the game of rock-paper-scissors to see who would stay behind."

She scuffed her feet, kicking a nearby stone. She had been talking fast, obviously excited. The stone jumped up and smacked Darkness in the shin guard, but the woman didn't appear to mean any harm.

"They're hunting monsters on Aqua's orders? What's that about? I'd like to hear a little more about that."

"Lady Aqua said, 'O Axis followers, who walk every day upon my pure and righteous path. So that travelers and stuff may move safely and quickly along the road between here and the Demon King's castle, I request that you, strong and indomitable and cool as you are, exterminate all the monsters that threaten that path. Do so, and on the day that the Demon King is defeated, Lady Aqua, who was merely passing through this world, might just show up here for a visit and be all, I was a goddess all along! She may indeed give compliments and gratitude to each one of you.'" The woman recited this entire speech in rapture, totally oblivious to the tears forming in Darkness's eyes when the stone had hit her armor.

Something felt off here, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. Wait, that was it:

This lady's reaction to Aqua was really weird. Yeah, almost like… "Like all you Axis followers already know who Aqua really is…" The words sort of slipped out. It was most obvious with Cecily, the Axis priest who'd been sent to Axel.

"But of course we do. Our unclouded vision has no blind spots, you know?"

She couldn't be serious.

"But you guys accused Aqua of being a fake! You tried to stone her…" "That was the doing of Eris followers in Axis believers' clothing. I don't remember being any part of it myself."

Man, she sure could lie with a straight face.

But forget about that. Why was Aqua trying to make the road safer? Could it possibly be that she'd expected us to come after her? Sheesh, she really was just like a kid who'd run away but secretly wanted to be found. Instead of going to all this trouble, she could have just slowed down a little.

Grrr, just how much of a headache did she mean to make for me…?!

"Erm, was Aqua alone? She didn't happen to be accompanied by a nasty hunk with a magic sword or a sad-looking Crimson Magicker, did she?"

"Ah yes, I did see people fitting that description. When I went to the city gate to see Lady Aqua off, the hunk with the expensive-looking sword got into a very fancy carriage, as if he was specifically rubbing my nose in it after I lost all my money trying to play the market. He somehow remained unmoved by even my most powerful come-hither glance."

She was starting to let her trash-fire side show.

But anyway, that meant Mitsurugi and Yunyun had managed to link up with Aqua. That made me feel a little better.

"Okay, so she's got protection… Oh, I meant to ask. Is there a place around here where we can rent a carriage? I don't care if it's a little pricey; we just need something that can go fast…" "I believe the horses kept by this very church are the fastest in the city… But you, the Eris follower, you can go crawling on all fours like the dog you are. It's only fitting for an evil follower of Eris like you to— Hey! What are you doing, you damnable heretic?!"

Darkness must have finally hit her breaking point, because she was suddenly involved in a wrestling match with the woman.

Meanwhile, I held out a fistful of eris bills to the impoverished believer and said, "Sorry, but could we borrow those horses? If money is the issue…" "The Goddess Aqua's blessings on you!"

3

We stayed one night at the Axis church so Megumin could recover her MP;

then we set out by carriage to go after Aqua. Maybe the Axis monster-extermination campaign was working, because even though the roadway looked long abandoned, travel was perfectly smooth.

Well, "smooth"… "Hey, Darkness, it's terrific that we're making great time at all, but don't you think we're going a little fast? We can afford to slow down just a tad. The Axis followers obviously did good work, but there's no way they uprooted all the monsters. What if an enemy comes jumping out and spooks the horses?"

Darkness, sitting in the driver's seat with the reins in her hands, didn't respond.

When you were traveling with only a few people, it was best to go with the smallest carriage available. And two people could ride in a two-horse vehicle. So Darkness was in the driver's seat, while Megumin and I sat behind her.

"Um, Darkness…? I agree that we seem to be truly flying. I sympathize with your concern for Aqua, but if you go too fast, won't you tire out the horses?"

Megumin sounded just as worried as I was about our pace.

"...…" Darkness, though, didn't respond, and she didn't slow down.

Starting to feel uneasy, I tried again. "Hey, are you listening? We said you're going too fast. We need to slow down a little…" Finally, Darkness turned to me, and I could see tears in her eyes. "The horses… They won't do what I tell them…" ""......…"" Now it was Megumin's and my turn to fall silent.

"I've heard about this," Darkness went on. "They say that in Arcanletia, even the horses are brainwashed by the Axis Church. They won't listen to anyone but an Axis follower…" "You've got to stop them!"

"Oh! Kazuma, look! There's a profession of faith in the Axis Church tucked in the corner of the carriage! We've been had! That believer trapped us!"

Sitting there in the runaway carriage, I was reminded just how crazy Axis Church followers could be.

"Arrrrgh, damn it all! We should have destroyed the Axis Church before we bothered about the Demon King's army!"

"K-Kazuma! I think you, as our representative, ought to sign the paper so that…" "H-hey, listen to me! How about this? If you do what we ask, I'll give you some nice fresh vegetables later! So fresh they jump right off the plate!"

Darkness was trying to reason with the horses; I could only hold my head in my hands and scream.

Megumin had picked up the profession of faith but lost her balance in the careering carriage. And then Darkness shouted: "Oh no, there's someone up ahead! Kazuma, what do we do? We're going to run those people over!"

Despite the rattling carriage, I somehow managed to get my balance well enough to look down the road, and there was indeed a crowd of people ahead of us. And not just a couple of them, either! At this rate…!

Then Megumin said, "Let us run them over."

...… "I do not care. Darkness, simply drive straight through them."

"M-Megumin?!" Darkness said, looking at Megumin with a pained expression, and that was when, belatedly, I realized who the silhouettes were.

"I do not care," Megumin insisted. "In fact, I hope you will run over as many of them as possible! Standing at the head of that group is—!"

The crowd seemed to have noticed the oncoming carriage, because the figures scattered. But one man continued standing smack in the middle of the road. He saw Megumin in the carriage and shouted something.

It was a white-haired old guy dressed in cleric's robes and a metal breastplate.

He was clearly waving at us.

"Well, well, Miss Megumin! It's been so long—do you remember me? It's me, the most important person in the Axis Church—" The carriage went plowing right over the most important person in the Axis Church.

4

"Heal! Heal! How's that? Any better?"

Granted, our carriage had been rampaging because of an Axis follower, but even so, I felt compelled to use my newly acquired Heal skill on the person we had just run over.

"Yes, that's much better. Goodness, I could have done it myself. But a youngster's Heal is quite nice! Not only my flesh, but my soul has been rejuvenated!"

"That's Lord 'Anything Goes' Zesta for you! He's a diehard!"

"You know what he always says: 'I'll try anything once, even an orc!' You go!

Lord Zesta, you go and go and go!"

Zesta: the entire time I had been casting Heal on him, he'd said only the most awful things. So this guy was the Church's head honcho, huh?

"It's been such a long time, Miss Megumin. I never imagined our reunion would be prefaced with such a brutal greeting, though. I'm afraid the only ways you could apologize for this would be to join the Axis Church or to go steady with me."

"For the record, it was the rampaging horses we borrowed from your church that caused us to run you over, sir. Please don't do anything…strange to them."

Megumin glowered at the old fart with his bizarre pronouncements, then heaved a sigh.

The old guy turned to me. "I've heard a great deal about you, Master Kazuma!

You're welcome to call me Zesta—no need for a title—but you can also feel free to call me Papa, Darling, or Daddy. Whatever you like."

"Megumin, a word of advice. You should be more careful about the company you keep."

"It was not my choice to become acquainted with these people! Speaking of advice, Kazuma, I think you should heed your own. You wouldn't want to be corrupted by this lot, would you?"

At that, I looked around again. The crowd was full of men and women, up to and including the elderly; everybody was dressed in different outfits so that at first glance, it wasn't obvious what sort of a group it was. But they all had one thing in common. Namely… "Hey, Big Bro, you look like a really cool guy! I can call you 'Big Bro,' can't I?"

"Stop that! True, he's quite handsome and seems like an outstanding person, but I don't know about calling someone who's not an Axis follower 'Bro'… I know you want a big brother to be friends with you, but pick one from the Church, okay? What a shame; he is so handsome…" "Awww, okay… Hey, Big Bro, don't you like the Axis Church?" The little girl looked at me anxiously.

I don't not like it.

I managed to swallow the words before they got out.

Growing impatient with my lack of an answer, the little girl and the woman I assumed was her mother reached out and touched hands with another believer. The person they switched off with was a cutie-pie wearing a frilly gothic-Lolita dress, who looked up at me pleadingly. "Um… May I…call you Elder Brother?"

"Like hell you can! I hear that bass in your voice! You're a man, aren't you?!

First Zesta, now you! Will the Axis Church take anyone?!"

"I'm not anyone! I'm like Lord Zesta! Any and all are welcome, both in the Church and in—" "Stop, shut up, just go away! I've got all the fashionable archetypes I need with my hard-masochist Crusader!"

"Huh?!" Darkness pointed to herself, apparently disagreeing with my characterization; meanwhile, I chased Goth-Loli Boy away.

I couldn't believe this. It was exhausting talking to these people. But there was someone here who looked even more exhausted than we were.

Namely… "Looks like you really had a rough time of it. Man, you've lost weight," I said.

"Aw, shaddup… Pfah, what are you even doing here? The only thing around is a tiny village that serves as a forward base against the Demon King's army. Ugh, I feel sick…! First I get caught up with this bunch of goons, and now I run into the one guy in the whole world I least want to see!"

The speaker was a priest, who kicked a rock near her foot angrily as she spoke.

Serena: escapee from the Axel police station, worshipper of a dark goddess, murderer of me, and general of the Demon King. For some reason, she was with these Axis followers and looking very frustrated by it. I guess the "priest" disguise had gotten her swept up in the monster hunt.

As Darkness continued to mope from being called an "archetype" and Megumin got ready to fight, her temple twitching, the Axis followers (unable to read a room) started sexually harassing Serena.

"Bah! Where do you get off, having such a sexy body?! Where are you from and what religion do you follow? You'd better tell us!"

"Yeah, yeah—we'll go pay 'em a little visit, so make with the spittin' it out!"

"Hey! If you come around behind her, you can see her bra strap, clear as day!

With boobs this big, maybe she really doesn't have anything to do with the Eris Church…?!"

"No, hold on—a paper has been submitted to our academy arguing that religion and bust growth might not be so closely related after all. To give us some more data for the resolution of that debate, we'll need you to tell us what religion you are! Specifically, which church in which town you hail from, and at what time of day we should show up to meet the clergy! I promise, we aren't intending to gleefully charge over there to sexually harass them in the name of holy war, so please, don't worry on that account!"

"...Y-you all don't know when to quit, do you…?"

I turned toward Serena, who was obviously nearing her limit, and said, "Actually, this is perfect timing, meeting you here. There were some questions I wanted to ask you. It does kind of tick me off the way you killed me, but if you tell me what I want to know, I might just pretend I didn't see you here."

Serena gave me the same kind of look you might give the dirt under your shoe and: "Pfah!"

""""""Ahhh!"""""" She spat on the ground as if to say that was her answer. The Axis followers cried out; I guess they objected to her prickly attitude.

"Heh. Think before you speak, kid. Why would I answer your questions?

What, you going to compensate me somehow, again? Hell, I don't even want you for a puppet anym— Hey, what are you all doing?! S-stop that! Why are you digging up the ground I spat on?!"

That's what was happening: A crowd of Axis believers was digging up the dirt Serena's spit had landed on and were fighting over it. Man, these guys were on a different level from me. I couldn't keep up.

I didn't know (and didn't want to know) what they wanted to do with it, but Zesta won the fight for the dirt and triumphantly put it in a bottle, which he tucked into his robes as if it were a priceless treasure.

"Phew… My apologies, young lady, that my fellow believers should show you such an uncouth side of themselves."

"You're one to talk! Throw that stuff away; it's so creepy! Anyway, what are you guys? You've been abusing me to your hearts' content all this time, but not one of you seems to think you owe me anything—what's with that?! All this sexual harassment, you ought to at least feel a little gratitude!"

Zesta threw up his hands theatrically. "Gratitude?! Oh, we feel gratitude indeed, to our goddess! Ah yes, this blessed day is all thanks to our devout lifestyles and unyielding faith…! Ah, how grateful we are…!" He bowed his head deeply in Serena's direction as he spoke.

"I don't understand these people. They're all completely insane! Arrrgh, I feel like I don't understand anything anymore! And, Kazuma, what are you doing here anyway? I was sure I cast Instant Death on— Hey, you old fart! Don't pretend to bow to me just to catch a glimpse of my panties! Quit it already or I'll kill you!"

It didn't matter how much Serena howled and threatened; nothing deterred the Axis followers.

"You remember a priest called Aqua, right? She might not have much else going for her, but she's a damn good priest. She brought me back with resurrection magic. So, about those questions I wanted to ask you…" I had been trying to offer an explanation, but Serena reached for the mace she kept at the small of her back. "Like I said before, why would I answer any questions of yours? Want to try to force it out of me? My level might have dropped, but I'm still the equal of everyone here. Besides, it doesn't look like that priest friend of yours is around to resurrect you right now. So what do you think? Still want to do it?"

Serena had a blessing from the goddess of revenge. She smirked, knowing that as long as she had that, I couldn't do anything to her. She might be a piece of trash, but she was still a general of the Demon King; even with her level at rock bottom, she had confidence to spare.

Darkness was clenching her fists so hard, I could hear it, and Megumin's eyes were blazing crimson when Serena said:

"Aqua, is that what you said her name was? I should have killed her first, not you. Huh, that was my mistake…" The air went cold.

The Axis followers who had moved around behind Serena, trying to get a look at her bra strap.

The Axis kids who had been busily throwing stones at the Eris follower, Darkness.

The Axis women who had been sleepily watching the whole affair, just killing time.

And last but not least… "What did you just say?"

Zesta asked as he crawled on the ground, trying to somehow get a look at Serena's panties. Mr. Most Important Person in the Axis Church had lost all expression on his face; his voice was quiet, and as he stood up, he didn't even bother to brush the dirt from his knees.

"What do you mean, what?" Serena, who hadn't noticed the changed atmosphere, stopped pointing her mace at me and rested it across her shoulder. "I said I should have killed that bumbling Aqua girl. So what's your answer, Kazuma? My patience has just about run out. You want to live, you're gonna have to beg. You know what a dangerous opponent I am. But I know what a pain in the ass you are, so if you throw yourself on the ground, I'd probably let you go, eh? Ah, but…" She smirked as if she was completely in control of the situation. "…this lot, not so much. I guess they're friends of yours, but they've harassed me one time too many. We're close enough to the Demon King's territory that no heroic knights are gonna come and save you, either. So how about it?" Bursting with confidence, she switched her mace to her other shoulder, thump.

"Master Kazuma. You seem to know who this young lady is. Perhaps you could introduce me," Zesta said. The airheaded attitude was gone; his voice was completely flat, no intonation, no emotion.

I glanced at Serena as if to ask whether I could tell them who she really was.

"Go ahead, introduce me," she said. "Not like they're gonna leave this place alive anyway. They might as well die lamenting having offended me."

Wow, she was almost as bad at reading a crowd as Aqua was.

I gestured at Serena and said, "This is Serena. Dark Priest, worshipper of the dark goddess Regina, and the one who ultimately hurt Aqua so badly that she decided to leave town." Then I waved at the Axis followers, who had gone deadly silent, all of them looking grim. "And these are those Axis followers you hear so many bad things about, all from Arcanletia, along with Zesta, the most important person in the Axis Church."

When I'd finished my introduction, there was a wumph.

I looked toward the sound. Serena was pale-faced, shivering, and drenched in sweat. She'd dropped her mace.

5

We were on a small road, not much used these days, that led to the Demon King's castle. Typically you wouldn't see anyone there; you'd hear only the insects and the birds. But today… """Get a rope! Tie her up!!""" "Sttttttttttoooooooooooooooooppppppppppppppppp!!"

The first chorus of voices belonged to the enraged female Axis killers—er, I mean, followers—while the second belonged to Serena, tears streaking down her cheeks as she hung from the tree where they'd strung her up. It was a pretty tall tree, and Serena's face was covered with tears and snot and contorted in terror.

"I-I-I'b breally zorry! Please forgib me! I didn't know! I d-d-d-didn't, I didn't know that lady was your goddess!"

"What was that? 'That lady'? You dare refer to our glorious deity as 'that lady'?"

"Heek! S-sorry, I'm sorry!"

The women got angrier and angrier with every word that came out of Serena's mouth. The way they pulled on the rope, which was slung over the branches of the tall tree, they could have stood proud among the ranks of religious fanatics anywhere at any time in history.

After she dropped her mace, Serena had tried, trembling, to run away, but they'd caught her in short order. Then they'd tied her up like a bagworm, and now it looked like the Axis women were going to put her to death… "Uh, hey. Sorry, but I'd like to ask her a few questions," I said, keeping a distance between myself and the murderous Axis believers. "Think you could give me a hand? It'll help Aqua."

Serena twisted from her perch, trying to cling to me. "K-Kazuma! H…! Help me! I'll tell you whatever you want to know—just save me! We're friends, aren't we?! We were fellow worshippers of Regina for a while there! I let you do whatever you wanted, and I worked side jobs to take care of you, remember? I know that at…at the end, we had a little fight, but! Even so, we share a profound connection forged through day after day of living and sleeping under the same roof, ri—? Ow! Ow, stop that! I said stop that! At least let me finish!"

Megumin had flung a stone at the immobilized Serena, interrupting her. It hit her in the forehead, and a bruise appeared on Megumin's brow in exactly the same place. She might have been reduced to Level 1, but I guess the revenge curse was alive and well.

I didn't know what had Megumin so worked up, but she was getting ready to throw another rock; Darkness attempted to hold her back, while I cast Heal on her to try to calm her down. It must have felt nice, because she smiled;

meanwhile, Serena, watching us, seemed to think of something. "Y-yeah, that's it! If you kill me, Lady Regina's power will kill you, too! I'm not bluffing; you saw it work just now! If you see what I'm saying, then let me go this instant! If I fall from this height, I'll die for sure! All of you who strung me up, know this: You'll all perish as well!"

She looked triumphant, but the Axis followers didn't so much as bat an eyelash. They simply said, """So what?""" The unfathomable response left not just Serena but the three of us, too, lost for words.

One of the female believers smiled at Serena, who still looked uncomprehending, and said, "You seem to be under some sort of misapprehension. We're Axis believers. Yes, believers in the very Axis Church.

And among the things we believe is that when we die, we shall go to be with Lady Aqua. We shall be united with the very goddess we adore! And… And…!

After we die, we shall be reincarnated in the world Lady Aqua oversees! We shall be reborn in the paradise called Ja-pan!"

"Huh?"

What did she just say?

Why was she talking about Japan?

Serena looked at the woman, dumbfounded. Zesta spoke as if on behalf of all the believers. "Ja-pan. Lady Aqua tells us that land is like a paradise. People such as myself, whose interests span well beyond two genders, can live unashamed there… And not only that! I hear it's overflowing with books that cater to every possible taste, proclivity, and disposition! Yes, we, who are treated as heretics and perverts here, will be able to hold our heads high in that world!"

Please stop.

"Th-they say that a man such as myself—who loves to wear dresses and the like—is actually in demand over there! I would be treated like a queen…!"

Please, please stop.

"In that world, there is no starvation, and everyone is safe; we need fear no monsters. What's more…! They say that books featuring dandy old dudes locked in wrestling matches together constitute their own genre…! And, and…!

They even sell the forbidden shota books! Oh, I…! I'm so grateful that I'm an Axis follower! I'm so glad to be alive…!" a young woman said, her face flushed and her eyes full of tears.

All right, I give up. It's way too late for these people.

Serena, tears still beading in her eyes, could only whisper: "Y-you're fanatics… You're insane…!"

And for once, I had to agree with her.

"Now, then."

Zesta's voice was completely calm; Serena shivered up in the tree.

"Perhaps you'd be so kind as to answer Master Kazuma's questions?" He sounded so collected. Serena looked back and forth between me and him.

"I want to know about the Demon King's army," I said. "How many enemies are left at his castle, and what are their weaknesses? Oh, and fill me in on the king himself, too, of course."

6

"By today, the Demon King's daughter will have already left the castle at the head of the king's forces. In other words, there are no generals defending the castle. But of course, there's a reason for that." Serena spoke as calmly as she could, considering she was still hanging from the tree. "A long time ago, Wiz attacked the castle, right after she became a Lich. She forced her way through the barrier around the castle—just blew it right open with her magic. After that, the longest-serving general retired and took over the job of guarding the castle gate."

"Sounds like someone who must be pretty damn strong. Who are they, and how do they fight? And what's their weakness?" I asked.

Serena, who had become awfully forthcoming, said, "'Pretty damn strong' is right. This person has established a magic circle within the Demon King's castle that draws power directly from the demon realm. The catch is that they can't leave the magic circle. But while they're in it, they wield immense power. The constant flow of magical energy means every wound inflicted heals immediately, and the guardian is surrounded by a powerful barrier of their own so that normal attacks can't touch them. They're a powerful wizard in their own right, after all. If you try to come at the castle head-on, they'll smash you with magical attacks powered by an endless stream of magical energy, and that'll be it for you."

Ugh, this guardian didn't sound like any fun… "So how do we take them down? Any way to just slip past them?"

Serena somehow managed to shrug despite being tied up; it was kind of impressive. "You can't take them down. You can't get through their personal barrier without serious firepower, and even if you did manage to injure them, you'd never be able to keep up with their healing abilities. Even if the castle wasn't surrounded by a magical barrier, this guardian is like…maybe if all the members of the Crimson Magic Clan attacked at once, relentlessly, they might manage something. As for getting past… I don't know. I guess a small unit might be able to sneak in, but the kind of magic you'd need to get through the barrier would call attention to you. Either way, the guardian finds you and blows you away." Her attitude seemed to be that it was pretty hopeless.

So getting through the barrier would call attention to us. But what if Aqua opened a hole in the barrier?

"I guess you could say this guardian is more dangerous than the Demon King himself, in a way," Serena said. "As far as I know, he's the most powerful wizard in the entire world."

That got a shiver out of Megumin.

So as long as this guy was in that magic circle, they were more powerful than Wiz? Well, I'd think of how to deal with it on the way. Right now, I had something else to worry about… "Okay, now the important part. The Demon King…" "Uh-uh." Serena seemed set on refusing that particular request. "You're going to kill me anyway, right? I've told you everything I'm going to tell you. Or, what —want to make a deal like last time? Here's the conditions: You let me get away. You promise that, I'll tell you about the Demon King." And then she smirked again.

"You think you're in a position to negotiate? Use your brain. I've got a whole crowd of religious nutjobs behind me just itching to bash your head in. We have ways of making you talk…" "I'd like to see you try. Torture doesn't work on me. It bounces right back on whoever inflicts it. Now, if you're going to kill me, then kill me! I'll take that information you want to my grave!" she crowed. A grin appeared on her face, but if you looked closely, you could see that she was trembling ever so slightly.

She was putting on a tough act, but she was probably desperate to survive.

I was just trying to decide what to do when Darkness stepped up and said, "Why don't you leave this to me, then?" Her cheeks were flushed, and she was clenching and unclenching her hands in excitement.

N-no way… Is she going to…?

"My indomitable will can't be overcome by a little pain! I'm going to give you the full course now, and the first one of us to make a squeak is the loser! Maybe a little heat would help… N-no, I think first—" "H-hey, stop that, you pervert! Hey! Why are you taking off my shoes? … Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you want with my toes? What is that, a brick?

Where'd you get that from? Stop, I see the corner of that thing! Just what do you have in mind?!"

Serena was growing ever more frantic as Darkness approached. But at that moment, Zesta, who'd been watching the scene silently, suddenly exclaimed:

"I have received a prophecyyyyy!!"

"""?!""" Everyone was startled. Zesta had been so quiet and composed until that moment. Now he was visibly trembling, his eyes wide, as if he'd had the most astonishing insight. What was this prophecy or whatever? I had nothing but bad feelings about it… "I've realized the most astonishing thing. This must surely be a revelation from Lady Aqua…" "What's the matter, Lord Zesta?"

"Yes, what revelation have you received?"

A stir swept through the Axis believers, while Zesta looked straight at Serena.

"Miss Regina Follower. It seems that when someone does harm to you, that harm rebounds back on them. Is that correct?"

"Huh? Y-yeah…that's…that's right." She spoke very quietly, intimidated by the force of Zesta's gaze.

"One more question, then," he said. "Are you a virgin?"

"You don't mince words, do you?! I may serve a dark deity…but she's still one of the gods. I think you can glean your answer from that," Serena replied, sounding just a little embarrassed.

At that, Zesta grabbed his head in his hands and fell to his knees. "Aaahhhh, what a revelation! In other words, I myself—a man! Were I to defile the purity of this follower of Regina…! At that very moment, I, though a man, could know the sensation of being deflowered! Is this not a miracle akin unto virgin birth?!"

"You're not making any sense! I don't understand what you're saying! And I don't want to!" Serena exclaimed.

I didn't get it, either.

"Lord Zesta, p-please let me! Please afford me this opportunity! Then I might taste what it is to truly be a woman!"

"That's no fair! You always keep the best stuff for yourself, Lord Zesta!"

"Naw, let me do it! I'll probably never get another chance at this priceless opportunity as long as I live!"

First the goth-Loli person, then the other believers started clamoring.

"Eek! Stop! St—! Th—they're…they're gonna violate me! Kazuma! Kazumaaa!

I was wrong! I'll tell you everything! Just stop them!"

7

"Power Up! Protection! Blessing! Now that Regina follower's chastity is mine!

If you think you can defeat me in this state, then go ahead and try!"

"You filthy cheat! Lord Zesta, borrowing Lady Aqua's power to use buffs like that is a dirty trick!"

"Traitor! Monster!! Using your Arch-priest position in this way is a clear abuse of power!"

While the Axis followers started a really juvenile fight over Serena, I ignored them and crouched down in front of her where she was trembling helplessly.

"All right, Serena. I've got one idea that might save you. Cough up the info about the Demon King. Then maybe I'll help you."

"Y-y-y-you mean it?! You'll really get me out of the clutches of those fanatics?

I'm trusting you here. I'm trusting you—do you hear me?!" Still tied up, she looked at me with pleading eyes. She must have been really terrified. I just nodded, and she started spilling the details. "The Demon King… He's old enough that his combat power isn't actually that great. But the special abilities passed down by his tribe…those are powerful. I'd go so far as to say that it's that power that allows him to be the Demon King."

"Special powers?" I asked, and Serena nodded.

"Yeah, that's right. The Demon King has powerful abilities, just like you guys with the weird names. Like…just by being around him, monsters and demons power up to the point that even a puny goblin could take on a decent adventuring group all by itself."

"That's broken!"

If even a goblin could get that powerful, how strong must the guards around the Demon King be?

"But that's not all. He can also confer protection on his subordinates. You remember how the Dullahan Beldia had unusually high resistance to holy magic, right?"

What, so he could grant status enhancements that even eliminated a monster's weaknesses? That was just lazy game design.

Serena smiled a little, seeming to guess what I was thinking. "You ought to give up the idea of beating him in a fair fight. If you want to take out the Demon King, a better plan would be to attempt to assassinate him when none of his friends are around. You should know, though, that his daughter inherited most of his abilities. That's why she's leading the bulk of the army in the attack on the capital. As he is now, the Demon King wouldn't be able to extend his powers across the whole of his army. But I doubt he'd have any trouble strengthening a monster in the same room. So as long as he's around, you'd best consider every personal guard he has with him to be as strong as one of his generals."

Well, shit.

I'd thought I might consider taking out the Demon King if it didn't seem like too tall an order, but that whole idea was obviously out the window now. In other words, once we had Aqua back, I would talk to Megumin and the others who were all fired up until they came around; then we could all escape using Yunyun's and my Teleport abilities.

I thought I had an idea of how to persuade Aqua: I could tell her that the Demon King was already getting up there in years, and we could just sit around and enjoy our lives until he kicked the bucket due to natural causes. Yeah, that seemed like the most realistic plan.

Okay, that was what I would do. If I told everyone else what Serena had just told me, they would have to see the sense in it.

"How about that? Happy? I don't know much else about the Demon King. Just that as he's gotten older, his daughter has become the apple of his eye, and that it's made personnel management kind of tricky."

"Oh yeah, you're fine. Anyway, it looks like they're almost done arguing," I said, glancing toward Zesta and the others.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! O great Lady Aqua, look upon me! Watch as I vanquish these evil heretics!"

"You old bastard, treating us like unbelievers!"

"Just 'cause you can use a little magic, you let it go to your head! We have Lady Aqua's blessing, too! Do it! Get him!!"

Zesta, despite being alone and barehanded, was handily beating the rest of the believers into submission. He might have been a pretty crappy excuse for a human being, but the old guy was still Most Important Whatever, and with all his buffs, he looked like he could take on an ogre.

Finally, Zesta wiped at his brow with a towel, like he was working up a sweat at the gym. "How about it? Have you finished your little talk? We'd like you to hand over our heretic now."

"Eek!" Serena trembled; the female believers came and stood near her. Their eyes were even more terrifying than Zesta's. They looked ready to kill her on the spot.

"Kazuma… K-K-K-K-Kazuma…!" Serena looked at me beseechingly, probably hoping for that plan to save her that I'd promised her. In answer to her unspoken plea, I produced a sheet of paper.

The Axis profession of faith that had been in our carriage.

In other words… "Do you hereby repent of all your former deeds, reject all religious faiths you've embraced to this point, and promise to worship, venerate, and revere the goddess Aqua? How about it? Feel like becoming a devout Axis disciple?" I asked.

Serena, looking like she might burst into tears, whispered: "Y-you can't be serious…" "C'mon, lackey! Stop sniffling! We haven't got all day!"

"Y-yes, sir! Sorry, senior!"

"Senior, huh? I like the sound of that! Call me senior, too!"

"Eek! Wh-what can I do for you, s-senior…?"

"Now listen here, lackey! Don't let it go to your head just 'cause the boys are soft on you. First things first: Go buy everyone here a Neroid. I'll have a Hellishly Heavenly Sweet-n-Sour Neroid—the one they only sell in summer."

"B-but, senior, it's almost winter…"

"Did you say something?"

"Nothing! I-I'll go get it! I'll try every town in the area until I find it!" Serena gave them a smile, although her eyes were brimming with tears and the corners of her mouth were twitching.

"All's well that ends well," I said.

"How is this well?!" Serena snapped. She was going to be carted back to Arcanletia to repent everything she'd done to date and given an appropriate punishment. At the same time, she was going to be the lackey of the Axis Church, made to work like a dog, for as many years as she'd been a sinner.

I just prayed I was the only person she'd ever actually killed.

Everything was pretty much wrapped up, and I was just thinking about returning my focus to the Aqua situation when someone called: "Well, Master Kazuma. Shall we get going?"

"Darkness, squeeze over a little more. You stick out in various places and take up a great deal of space. Couldn't you make yourself a bit more compact?"

"I-it's not as if I like being this endowed. I think you might be a little too compact, Megum— Ouch! Ow, ow, Megumin, stop pulling my hair…!"

As the two of them argued, we heard: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Now, now, small chests and muscly busty types are equally necessary to this world. You mustn't fight;

that's the main thing. Although if you truly wish to settle the matter, I will happily referee. Just let me have a look, and I'll deliver the final judgment!"

Zesta had volunteered to be our driver, since the only horses we had were the ones corrupted by the Axis believers.

"Listen, creep, no sexually harassing my friends. That's my right and mine alone. I'll kick your old ass outta this moving carriage without thinking twice."

"If this idiocy continues, we'll shove you both out of the carriage. Megumin, are you sure it's safe to have this guy with us? He didn't need to be the one to drive the horses, did he? Couldn't one of the other Axis believers have done it?"

Darkness kept looking uneasily at Zesta in the driver's seat.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," Zesta said. "I boast the greatest strength of anyone in the Axis Church. There's no one better to ensure your safety along the way. I shall see you safely to Lady Aqua." He grinned, ignoring the dirty look Megumin gave him at the word greatest.

Incidentally, we were in one of those two-passenger carriages. I had begged for a passenger seat, but they'd turned me down, and I ended up squeezing into the driver's bench with Zesta.

"Ah, the warmth of a young man. What a beautiful reward! Lady Aqua, you have my thanks!"

"I wish you would shut up. Hey, Megumin, Darkness. You sure you don't want to trade places?"

"I—I certainly do not; I'm almost positive I would be sexually harassed."

"Y-yeah, same. I'm used to being harassed by you, Kazuma, but with that guy, it's a little…" No dice, huh?

"If you're ready, then. Shall we be off? My dear fellows, I leave the rest in your hands!"

One of the female believers smiled. "Yes, sir. And we pray that you will be of assistance to Lady Aqua on our behalf, Lord Zesta."

"'Kay, see ya, Serena. I think it'll be easiest if you just give up and go full Axis believer as soon as you can."

"Shaddup and get lost, ya jinx!" Serena's trembling voice was the last thing I heard behind me as Zesta cracked the reins and we set off for the Demon King's castle…!