An Explosion for This Wizard!
1
There's a group in this world known as the Demon King's army. They're way more powerful than humanity, and they've been the common enemy of all living beings in this world for a very long time. They're fearsome foes: Even with immense power granted by the gods, humanity has proven unable to fight back.
And we were standing before that terrible force's home base, which was surrounded by a nigh-impenetrable barrier… "Explosion! Explooooosion!"
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's it, Megumin, keep 'em coming! You are the world's strongest wizard!"
At that moment, though, one wild wizard was putting the nigh in nigh-impenetrable.
"Check it out, Darkness! Is this great or what? The Demon King's army has caused me an awful lot of grief, and I'm finally getting my revenge! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Demon King—pfft, whatever! How do you like them apples?"
"Oh… Ohhh… One manatite worth enough to buy an entire house, two manatite worth enough to buy an entire house…" Darkness seemed to get paler every time Megumin unleashed her spell.
"Explosion! Explosion!" Megumin's ecstatic voice echoed around the field, while her outrageously powerful explosions continued to batter the Demon King's castle.
"Look!" I cried. "The Demon King's handpicked troops are running away crying like babies! The strongest enemies we could possibly face are like pathetic kobolds before us!"
"Ahhhhh… Ohhhh…" Not long before, Megumin, her eyes brimming with tears at the mana-crystal blessing before her, had unleashed her explosive attack. And now, as the third wave of blasts impacted the barrier, the Demon King's troops started rushing out of the castle, practically frothing at the mouth. Dark Knights in pitch-black armor appeared with all haste, along with a wizard-looking guy in a robe the color of night and some sort of winged-gargoyle thing.
I could tell at a glance that each of them would have been powerful enough to give us a serious headache all by themselves. Normally, we would have run away from them as fast as we could—and now they were running toward us, racing past the barrier and heading in our direction explosion.
The gargoyle tried to lead an air assault of winged monsters, but Megumin just pointed one of her spells toward the sky, and then it was raining gargoyle dust.
"Exploooosion! Exploooosion!"
Megumin had skipped actually doing the incantation for her spell today, like she had during her showdown with Wolbach, one of the generals of the Demon King. An incantation normally serves to stabilize a magic spell's power and make it easier to control. An incantation would both increase the power of the explosion and keep the magic from blowing up on us. But Megumin had arrived at utter mastery of explosion magic and no longer needed incantations to do whatever she wanted with the spell.
It only made sense. After all, this Arch-wizard had devoted herself heart and soul to Explosion… "Explosion! Explosion! Explooosioooonnn!"
It was the only spell she had ever cast in her entire life.
Her magic could take out gods and demons, so the elite troops who came out of the Demon King's castle didn't even leave bodies behind. Darkness was pale and shaking as she watched Megumin's display. "Th-this is hell… It's hell on earth…! I know it's only because there's so much manatite around, but if the king or the nobility saw this, they would label Megumin the most dangerous person alive…! The state would have to get involved…!"
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! God, does this feel good! I don't feel the least bit depressed now! Keep at it, Megumin! Blow through that barrier and then drop a few more explosions on that castle! Aqua and the others only just went in.
And you know the Demon King's room has to be on the top floor. When the barrier comes down, just raise your trajectory and wipe out the top part of the castle!"
"Nooo, stop! Knowing Aqua's luck, she'll be right in the middle of your explosion! And look at Megumin's eyes—they're a purer red than I've ever seen!"
Not only were Megumin's eyes shining red, there were little crackles of blue-white electricity all around her. Was that from casting such a powerful spell so many times in a row?
The barrier around the castle was beginning to buckle under the relentless assault of powerful magic; even the untrained eye could see it. Little cracks were appearing in the semitransparent surface, and it looked like it might give way at any moment.
"Exploooosion! Exploooosion!" Megumin kept unleashing her brutal spell, and monsters kept popping out of the castle like balls from a gachapon machine. I don't think they were exactly eager to die an instantaneous, ignoble death, but they knew that if they didn't do something, that barrier was coming down.
While Megumin was briefly distracted by the oncoming troops, some wizardy-looking guys behind the barrier were waving their hands frantically. I assumed they were trying to repair the barrier, but I could see—with my Second Sight skill—that they looked desperate, like they might just burst into tears.
Meanwhile, the Dark Knights who seemed like the elite of the elite found their numbers severely depleted, leaving only some anguished-looking Japanese-style oni demons to come rushing out at us. They were all blown away.
Finally, the area around the castle was pockmarked with scores of giant craters. And the Demon King's troops stopped rushing madly out at us. Maybe there weren't any left… That was when a wizard appeared, wearing a white mask, practically oozing power.
His robe and his staff were as white as his mask. He was obviously on a different level from the small fry we'd been dealing with. He seemed oddly… pure for a member of the Demon King's army. Almost holy… "I see someone has come out. I wonder if this is the alleged 'world's strongest wizard.'" Megumin, her cheeks flushed and her eyes redder than ever before, stopped and watched the wizard emerge from the castle. She caressed a piece of manatite with glee; she was still buried practically to the waist in the stuff.
Seeing that the barrage of explosions had abated, White Robe walked past the barrier, heading leisurely in our direction. A semitranslucent shell seemed to cover him, and he had those white robes that just screamed Big Trouble.
He was still too far away from us to have a conversation. I assumed he had come out to ascertain who exactly we were and what we wanted. Then again, maybe he saw that Megumin was more powerful than anyone he'd ever encountered before and had emerged to throw down with her for the title of strongest. Or maybe… Right at that moment, with no hesitation whatsoever, Megumin unleashed her spell.
"Exploooosion!"
""Hey, hold it!"" Darkness and I cried, but obviously it was too late to stop the spell that erupted from her staff, spearing toward White Robe. A second later, there was a huge blast and a massive boom.
When the smoke cleared, we could see a man collapsed on the ground in the middle of a crater—now naked, his mask and white robe blown away by the spell. We could see white wings on his exposed back. Was he some kind of angel monster? Like the "fallen angel" Duke who Wiz had exploded out of existence?
We watched from a distance as, trembling, the naked angel got to his feet.
""Oooh!"" Darkness and I were both very impressed to see he'd survived Megumin's explosion. He really must be the guard they called the world's strongest wizard. The naked angel, still not very steady on his feet, faced our plateau and looked up.
"My…n…! Str…f the Demon King's…! How dare…!"
He was shouting something, but he was too far away to really hear what it was. It was probably, you know: My name is So-and-So. How dare you blow me up, etc.
Megumin and Darkness looked at each other, perplexed, evidently unable to hear him, either. In an effort to figure out what he wanted, I combined my Second Sight and Lip Reading skills.
"If you can hear me, give me a sign! Who or what are you? Are you adventurers?! To attack the castle directly from such a distance—have you never heard of the legend of the Demon King and the Hero? Or even common decency? Confronted with such base and foul deeds, the blood of the Clan of the Gods that runs through my veins—" My skills allowed me to understand what the naked angel was saying but not to, you know, actually make sense of it.
"What's with him? Do you know what he's saying?" Megumin asked.
"I used my Lip Reading skill, yeah. I guess he thinks it was unfair of us to attack the castle from a distance. Like, super unfair."
"Kind of childish logic for someone who's supposedly the strongest wizard in the world… Although it's true I've never heard of anyone defeating a Demon King quite like this…" Darkness looked conflicted.
Megumin gave a shake of her staff. "Whatever. Can I blow him up?"
"Be my guest. We've got the range on him. We don't have to stand here and listen to him."
"G-gee, I kind of feel bad for him…," Darkness mumbled.
Megumin was more patient this time—she started chanting, the way you're supposed to. She wasn't going to drop a whole series of explosions on him, but she was going to make it powerful enough to do this in one shot.
"You have been warned! Behold my power! With infinite magical energy drawn from the demon realm and versed in every form of magic known to man, I shall take aim at you and—" "Exploooosion!" Megumin intoned before he could finish. The naked angel was blown into the sky mid-sentence. It took him a long time to come back down, and when he did, he hit the ground. Hard.
This time, the explosion seemed to do the trick: With a look of shock frozen on his face, the naked angel twitched a couple of times and stopped moving.
But then a complicated magical circle appeared beneath the angel's body, shining with an intense light. As we watched, the wounds on his body began to heal themselves.
Come to think of it, we had heard something about him having powerful regenerative abilities. The wizards who had been repairing the barrier scurried out and tried to pull the naked angel back to safety.
Megumin thrust her staff out in front of her, watching them. "It seems they've taken refuge behind their barrier. Well, it matters not, for I shall destroy it in any case. And then we shall see who the strongest wizard truly is!"
"Exploooosion! Exploooosion!"
As Megumin continued going nuts with her spells, I read the lips of the guys behind the barriers.
"Aaahhhh! What do we do? What do we do now?!"
"This is it—we're done for…!"
"Good gods! What in the hell is she?! Is she completely insane?!"
"The barrier's not going to hold! If we don't get out of here, that awful Crimson Magicker will blow us to smithereens!"
"Why would a last-boss type like her suddenly attack us? And how can she use so many explosions?! Is she a Demon King from some other world?!"
"M-Mommyyyy!"
While the Demon King's mages were busy panicking, the naked angel groggily opened his eyes. When I saw that, I signaled to Megumin to stop firing for a moment.
The angel somehow managed to get to his feet—not very steadily—and the wizards put a cloak on him. I activated my Lip Reading skill again.
"W-with my…profound…power…s-such a pitiful…Crimson Magic Clan member…could…never…" "He says that if he got really serious, he could OHKO the chestless wonder of a Crimson Magic Clanner up on that plateau."
"Exploooosion! Explooooooosion!"
My interpretation caused Megumin to resume her attack, until it was clear the barrier was about to give.
"K-Kazuma, is that true? Did he really say that?!" Darkness asked.
"More or less."
The former general of the Demon King stood, wobbling a bit. I could see that his wounds really had healed up pretty well.
"A-ahem. We need that crazy Crimson wizard to run out of magic! She may outdistance us, but we only need to keep repairing the barrier! I can draw a limitless supply of MP from the demon realm! If we can force a contest of endurance, we need not even face that insane spell-caster directly!"
"""Right!""" The cloaked angel, never knowing that I was listening in on his plans, raised his hands and got to work fixing the barrier.
"They say they're just gonna wait for the crazy Crimson wizard to run out of magic. He's all, I've got unlimited MP; I don't give two shits about some insane spell-caster, blah, blah, blah. They're going to keep repairing the barrier to draw out the fight."
"He's so dead."
"Wait, Kazuma! Is that true?! Is that really how he said it?!"
"Pretty much."
The cloaked angel and his wizards were desperately trying to repair the barrier… Megumin's eyes glowed a particularly sinister shade of red, and she took a deep breath…!
"Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Exploooosion!"
"W-wait… Wait!"
In the blink of an eye, Megumin's rapid-fire volley of explosions demolished the barrier that had protected the Demon King's castle for so many years. The enemy wizard was reduced from "cloaked angel" to "naked angel" again. He was shouting something, but… "Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Explosion Exploooooosion!"
…Megumin didn't let up with the magical blasts, blowing away the other wizards around him and leaving the battered, naked angel in the center of a whole pile of craters. Maybe there really was something to this "strongest wizard in the world" stuff.
Megumin, almost looking impressed by the enemy's resilience, started a very long chant. There was another thrum of magical energy, but it was different from before. She wasn't drawing from the manatite this time. She'd saved her own MP for when she really wanted it, and now she was going to use it, summoning up every bit of magic she had. And her most powerful magic was even more potent than the stuff stored up in that super-high-quality manatite.
The angel found that even his healing powers were overwhelmed by the relentless string of explosions, and he was on the cusp of death. He could see the uncanny aura coming from Megumin, and he began to whimper: "I am…the strongest…and longest-serving member…of the Demon King's army… And my name is…" He was trying to mumble out his name, but he never quite got there.
"Explooooosssiiiioooonnnn!"
Megumin's explosion spell, the most powerful she'd ever unleashed, slammed into him, and he disappeared before we ever learned his name.
2
"Awesome work! Man, that was one hell of a show. I don't think even Mobile Fortress Destroyer made things that hard, did it? Anyway, this certifies you as really and truly the world's strongest— H-hey, Megumin, you're bleeding."
"Huh? Oh…" I was using Drain Touch to give her the absolute minimum amount of MP.
Prompted by my remark, Megumin, her face flushed with excitement, rubbed the spot under her nose with the sleeve of her robe, but it just spread the blood around.
"Awww…" I used Create Water to wet a handkerchief, then dabbed at the mess. Maybe she liked the feeling of the cool, damp handkerchief, because she closed her eyes and let me wipe away the blood.
Man, she'd gotten so worked up that she'd started bleeding?
Wait… Could this be…?
"Megumin, your cheeks are really warm, too. What's going on here? This isn't just excitement, is it?!"
"I-it's quite all right; you needn't worry. But behold, now I shall take aim at the top floor of the Demon King's castle and—" Megumin, clearly feverish, raised her staff weakly in the direction of the castle.
Darkness grabbed hold of her. "Explosion is the most powerful spell a person can use. How could it not cause weird side effects to use it so many times in a row? Using manatite involves drawing MP from the rock and cycling it through your body. It doesn't take too much of a toll on the average spell-caster, but…" "But it might be too much for Megumin's body," I concluded.
"Please do not act as if this has happened because I am physically small! It's all right. I can keep going. In fact, you must let me keep going!"
I held the jabbering Megumin steady with one hand while I started gathering up the scattered manatite. I put it back in the backpack I'd brought it in, only to find Megumin weaving her arm through mine.
"Stoppit, no more explosions today," I said. "And I'll carry the bag of manatite. Don't fight me about this."
"Say what you will, but if we find ourselves in trouble, I won't hesitate to use explosion magic again. Also, as the manatite is a gift I received from you, I shall carry it."
Pushy, pushy… In the end, I caved to Megumin, as long as she agreed that she would use her magic only when it was absolutely necessary. She'd used up most of the manatite, making the backpack a lot lighter, so I was a bit concerned about the way she wobbled under its weight all the same.
But anyway, with that, the biggest obstacle to us getting into the Demon King's castle was finally out of the way. We started toward it. I made sure my Sense Foe skill was active, but it was completely silent all around. We were totally exposed as we worked our way across the field, but no attacks came from the castle, maybe a sign of just how chaotic things were inside.
"Okay, showtime. Everybody ready?"
"Yeah, just leave this to me. I don't care if we run into a dragon. I won't retreat a single step. It's killing me to let Megumin have all the glory." Darkness, who scarcely looked different from the Dark Knights we'd defeated earlier, was raring to go.
"Heh-heh-heh! I believe the only deed that could outshine mine today would be the defeat of the Demon King, don't you think?"
"Damn…! A female knight's job is to be captured by the Demon King, but we've come here to kill him! Do I do my duty as a member of this party or as a female knight…?"
"I'm sorry, you two, but what do you think we came here to do? Have you forgotten about Aqua already?" I asked my two overexcited companions. I approached the gate, keeping my skills active. I didn't sense any foes, so I went ahead and just walked through. And that was when it happened.
"Ahhh!"
"Whaaa—?!"
Someone shouted in total astonishment, and I cried out, too, every bit as surprised as they were.
Then several familiar figures appeared in front of us. Namely… "Megumin! Waaaaah! Megumin, Megumin!! I was s-s-scared! I was so, so scared!"
"N-now, what is the matter, Yunyun? I know you cry quite frequently, but you look even worse than usual today!"
It was Yunyun, along with Mitsurugi and his party.
"Kazuma Satou, you were able to follow me? Frankly, I'm amazed you're alive.
Wasn't that the Demon King outside?!" Mitsurugi, with a young woman hanging off each arm, sounded pretty shocked. His girlfriends must have run into something really frightening, because they were clinging to him tighter than usual, tears in their eyes, and mumbling something about the Demon King over and over.
Wait…Demon King?
"Um, what would the Demon King be doing outside his own castle?"
Yunyun, finally getting herself under control after copious head-patting by Megumin, looked at me, puzzled, and explained: "W-we were able to break in here thanks to Miss Aqua, but right after, while we were searching the building concealed with magic, there was a whole series of mysterious explosions aimed right at the castle… Miss Aqua claimed that it had to be the Demon King himself, having realized that his mortal enemy, a goddess, had infiltrated his stronghold. She said he was trying to destroy us right along with the building, and she made a mad dash for the exit…" Darkness and I looked at our "Demon King." The red-eyed, manatite-carrying archfiend refused to meet our eyes.
Hey! That reminded me!
"You mentioned Aqua! Where is she anyway?" We'd actually managed to join up with everybody, but the one person we were looking for wasn't here.
"O-oh, uh—!" Yunyun, an apologetic look on her face, started to explain, but Mitsurugi interrupted her.
"Lady Aqua, ahem… We sort of lost track of her. What with all the confusion caused by the explosions and everything… We got this far using Yunyun's concealment magic and my Ambush skill, and I'm pretty sure she must still be nearby someplace. She was with us until just a moment ago. I took my eyes off her for one second…" And one second, it turned out, was all it took for her to cause trouble. How could she get lost when they were all supposed to be running away together?
"I'm really sorry… After I acted so condescending to you, I wasn't able to protect Lady Aqua, either… Damn! Some Hero of the Enchanted Blade I am! I can't even look after a single loved one—!"
"Listen, sorry to interrupt you in the middle of your tragic monologue but getting lost is kind of her thing. Happens all the time. Don't let it get to you. We can figure out what Important Lessons to take from this later. Right now, we have to find that moron."
I couldn't have Mitsurugi moping around forever, and I also knew that if Aqua bumped into the soldiers of the Demon King's army all by herself, she would be down and out on the spot. And with her luck, I was sure she would bump into them. Meaning time was of the essence… As soon as we stepped inside the castle, we conferred with Mitsurugi and his party about what we would do next. "I hate to split up in an emergency, but I think that's what we should do to find Aqua," I said. "If you bump into any enemies, shout, and Mitsurugi or Yunyun can run to you and take care of them.
Not to brag, but I think you can assume that my group and I won't be any help at all in battle."
"W-well, okay. Considering you're willing to be so blunt about it, I won't plan on counting on you too much. If anything comes up, just call me."
I instructed Megumin and Darkness not to get too far away to shout for either Yunyun or Mitsurugi; then I activated Sense Foe, and we started searching.
I still had misgivings about getting into any fights, but lone-wolf infiltration— that, I could do. I stealthily slipped away from where everyone else was searching and tried to think of places Aqua seemed likely to go.
I don't see any enemies around here… Most of the guys on the first floor seemed to have been done in by Megumin's explosions. That meant that with my ability to detect traps and enemies, plus Ambush, I would probably be safe going a little farther.
"Let us head this way, Darkness. Knowing Aqua, she must have been terrified of running into enemies and gone somewhere dark where they wouldn't be able to see her."
"No, she was running away with Yunyun, wasn't she? But she is a scaredy-cat, so I'm sure she went to the widest hallway in hopes that we would find her right away…" That was Megumin and Darkness, somewhere behind me as I scanned the inside of the castle. It was built almost like a dungeon. There were lights along the walls here and there, and the hallways were a confusing mess, maybe to discourage intruders. I'd expected the Demon King's castle to be a little more… you know…creepy, but despite its imposing exterior, the inside was relatively clean. Heck, maybe even demons and devils didn't want to live in a grimy old castle.
As I looked around, I noticed something strange.
At the end of a dead-end hallway was a piece of paper that said Don't Push. It hung right by some kind of magic circle, and there was a button beside it.
What was going on? If this was a trap, it was a little too obvious. I activated my Detect Trap skill just to be sure, and lo and behold, the skill alerted me that yes, it was a trap. That didn't tell me exactly what kind of trap it was, however. I happened to possess the Disarm Trap ability, but I'd never used it since Chris had taught it to me on my very first dungeon dive, so I wasn't confident I could make it work.
But, hey. If it was a trap, all I had to do was not touch it.
That was when a light bulb flickered to life in my brain.
Was it really a trap? I mean, what kind of idiot would make it so blatantly obvious?
So was it some kind of camouflage, then, to hide something? Maybe it was a teleporter that took you straight to the Demon King's chamber. Having a teleporter right by the gate would be a great plan just in case the king ever needed to make a hasty escape… The Detect Trap skill activated, meaning there was definitely a real trap at work here. But maybe that only meant they'd set another, very small trap on it.
Something to keep the teleporter hidden. After all, it wasn't only deadly traps that set off the detection ability. Like, maybe you went through the teleporter and a blackboard eraser immediately fell on your head. That would set off the Detect Trap skill.
The Demon King might be a demon, but he was also a king. Of course he would have an escape route ready in a pinch. And anyway, it wasn't like he spent every minute cooped up in this castle. Think about what a pain it would be to work your way through this maze, all the way to the top floor, every time you came home and just wanted to kick back in your own room. No, this was definitely a secret passageway (or teleporter or whatever).
The Demon King was supposed to be getting up there in years, right? I could say with confidence that this was no trap!
"Heh! You might fool those other idiots, but I know what I'm really seeing here…" With that, I stepped into the magic circle and pressed the button that the paper said not to press.
Oh, crap. I'd been so pumped up about my own discovery that I'd forgotten I probably should've called to the others first.
Oh well. If my guess was right, it wouldn't matter anyway. Once I was sure where this thing went, I would just pop right back…!
In the blink of an eye, the scenery around me changed. Now I was in a small, dark, funny-smelling room. There was hardly any light in there; it felt like a ghost might pop out at any moment. And I thought I could hear a woman weeping nearby…!
"Shoot! It was a trap!" I exclaimed.
"Waaaaahhh!" My exclamation was met with a very familiar yell from a corner of the dim chamber.
Hold on… "Aqua?"
"Wha…? Kazuma…?"
There in the corner of the room, with tears in her eyes, hugging her knees, and making herself as small as possible, was Aqua. For a second, she looked bewildered, but then her face screwed up, and she said, "K-Kazuma!
Waaaahhh! Kazuma, Kazuma, oh, Kazuma!" She jumped up, obviously deeply moved. She must have been frightened just about out of her skull here, because she flung herself at my chest, tears and all.
With my inborn Luck and my Auto-evade skill, I neatly dodged Aqua's would-be hug.
3
"Waaaahhh! Bwaaahhh! Aaahhhhhh!"
"I'm sorry, okay?! It's not my fault! That skill has a chance of activating on its own! Come on—I said I was sorry, so stop crying!"
Thanks to my dodge, Aqua had gone headfirst into the wall, and she still hadn't stopped bawling about it. She got hurt way worse than this most of the time, so why was she crying now?
Well… To be fair, I guess if the same thing happened to me, I would cry, too.
"Hey, pipe down already. This is the Demon King's castle! If you cry too loud, we'll end up with his minions all over us!"
"But! But! I finally see you again, Kazuma, and you… You…!"
Oh, for God's sake!
"Here, show me where you got hurt. I'll fix it up. Heal!" I put my hand to the bump on Aqua's head and cast my healing magic. It must have worked, because she instantly stopped crying. In fact, her eyes were open wide… "Y-you healed me… Kazuma, you used Heal…! Ah… Ahhhh…! Waaaaah! You stupid NEET! You've finally come to steal my very identity, haven't you?! It wasn't enough for you to make fun of me and call me the goddess of toilets;
now you want to take away my one defining trait?! Fine, come at me, you thieving NEET! It turns out my real enemy wasn't the Demon King at all—it was you! Well, let's settle this right now!"
"Give it a rest!" I exclaimed. Aqua had her dukes up, but I was ready to give her a piece of my mind. "While you were having a nice little walk, I was working my ass off! You left your dumb little letter just begging us to come after you, and then you disappeared—I've never known a woman who caused as much trouble as you!"
"Dumb little letter? A woman who causes trouble? Ooh, you're angling for some real divine punishment, mister…! You're going to regret provoking the wrath of the goddess of water! I'll punish you by causing the shower to stop working when and only when you're trying to wash your hair!"
"You always come up with the stupidest punishments! That's why— Hey, hold on!" When I heard footsteps in the distance, I activated a certain skill.
"I swear I heard a woman's voice."
"You're making that up. This is the upper level. The intruders are supposed to be bumbling around on the first floor, remember?"
A conversation accompanied the footsteps, and by using the Eavesdrop skill (which belonged to a unique class called the Darkstalker), I could hear what they were saying. The person who'd taught me the skill had informed me (really, boasted to me) that despite the name "-stalker," the class was basically an assassin, which, I was assured, was much cooler.
Aqua, who had no idea that I'd learned this skill, said, "What's going on?
What's with the weird look all of a sudden? Are you saying you want to have a face-making contest with me? I may be a dedicated performer, but I admit I'm hesitant to do anything that would impugn my image as a beautiful goddess…" "Nobody's suggesting a stupid contest like that! And I'm not making a weird face; I'm trying to be serious! A couple of the Demon King's lackeys are coming this way! C'mon—we've gotta hide!"
In a moderate panic, Aqua and I looked for somewhere to conceal ourselves in the dark room.
"That reminds me. What are you even doing here? Did you press that button, too?" I said.
"Of course I did! Who wouldn't want to press a button that says Don't Push?
It was impossible to resist such a devious trap! Which means I'm sure that enchanted-sword guy and everyone else will be right behind us."
"You're right. It's frightening how that trap plays on human psychology. I'm sure the others will fall for it the same way we did. But that means we just have to buy time until they get here… We just need someplace to…hide… Ooh!"
""Pot spotted!"" Aqua and I both noticed a jar, big enough for one person to hide in. At the exact same time, we both put a hand on it.
"Hey, I saw it first," Aqua said. "Find your own hiding place!"
"You find somewhere else to hide! …Hey!" When I opened the jar, it turned out there was water inside. I guess this was where they stored their drinking water.
Aqua chuckled in triumph and held up her hair. "Well, well, it looks like I'm the only one who can hide here. Only a beautiful goddess, capable of breathing underwater, could—" "Man, what a rip-off." Annoyed by Aqua's obvious satisfaction, I kicked the jar over.
"Nooo!"
The jar broke with a crash, sending water everywhere.
"Did you hear a sound just now?! I knew it! There's someone here!"
"There! It came from that room over there!"
The Demon King's minions, drawn by the noise, were so close now that I hardly needed a special skill to hear what they were saying.
"What are you doing?! What's wrong with you?!" Aqua demanded.
"Shoot! Even I know that was a mistake! It's just been so long since I got a chance to quip at you that I didn't think…!"
"Sometimes I don't know whether you're an idiot or a genius, Kazuma! But oh noooo! What do we do? They're gonna find us!"
"Who's there? Come out!" someone shouted, flinging the door open with a crash. Aqua and I ducked into a corner, trying to make ourselves as small as possible. Aqua had a death grip on my arm—probably trying to make extra sure my Ambush skill extended to her—and she was clinging to me like her life depended on it.
The room might have been gloomy, but Aqua and I could both see in the dark, so we got a good look at the lackeys who came through the door. One was a knight in pitch-black armor; the other was a crimson oni with two horns on his head who must have been at least two meters tall.
They looked around the room… "Huh. Nobody here."
"Grrr, that's weird. How can there be no one here?"
But then, from behind them…
"You're an undead, a wraith at that, and yet you dare call me depressing?
You've got some nerve! I'm going to purify you so hard, there won't be so much as a wisp of you left!" Aqua danced out of the corner of the room, pointing right back at the wraith.
"Dammit, I knew something would happen the moment I found you!" I followed her, drawing the magic sword Dust had lent me.
"Intruders! I knew it! Hurry up and call reinforcemen— Hey, hang on a second. Do these two look ridiculously weak to you?"
"Um, yeah, I guess we could handle 'em on our own. How about it? Are we gonna handle 'em?"
"Whoooo! Kazuma, you're so cool! Say, Kazuma, do you need a buff that makes you an amazing performer?"
"Give it to me! That's a great one!" I said, getting ready for battle.
The Demon King's minions lined up across from me. "G-gosh, these intruders don't seem very worried about us…" "We'll show them! There are only two of 'em! Let's tear 'em apart!"
"Hey, Kazuma, I wonder what's going on. We're in another tight spot, and I know that really isn't a good thing, but for some reason, I'm having a lot of fun!"
"Dammit, me too! What's happening? I hate this! But for some reason I'm really relieved to feel like things are back to normal!"
Then the battle began!
4
Buffed and ready, I stood with Aqua at my back. "Aqua, you're on that wraith over there!"
"Got it! Ha-ha-ha! Woe betide the undead who appears in front of me! What shall I do with you? There are so many ways I could torment a pitiful wraith!"
"All right, Payne, let's trade opponents, then! You and I can take on this weak-ass kid! Nos, you handle the lady who's got Payne freaking out!"
"I'm on her! Feel free to hide behind us, Payne!"
"My killer what?! What's 'you know,' and why the hell are you bringing it up now?! I know I talked up my awakening and stuff…but is there really some secret power within me that's going to show up right in our moment of greatest need?!"
<""?!""> The monsters stopped, worried about what "you know" might be.
"No! Kazuma, you're completely, totally, and remarkably ordinary! I mean… You know! You have it for moments just like this, don't you?!" I glanced back over my shoulder to find Aqua holding her pointer and middle fingers under her eyes.
Ah! That's it!
"I gotcha! Take this— Flash!"
""Hngh?!"" "Eeeek!"
Flash was a magical spell that produced a blinding light, and I never made the same mistake twice. I held my left hand over my eyes as I sent the knight and oni reeling with a blast of light.
"Grrr! Damn! Stupid kid!"
"D-dirty little trick…!"
It worked great on those two, but—
"K-Kazuma… Kazuma… Where are you?!"
I guess the spell had blinded Aqua along with the monsters.
"You're the one who told me to blind them! Why'd you let it blind you, too?!"
"How was I supposed to know you'd learned a spell like that? When I said 'you know,' I was thinking of that obnoxious thing you do with your Earth this and Breath that!" Aqua, her eyes still closed, stumbled around, flailing until she managed to grab hold of my clothes.
Now it was the wraith's turn to sound triumphant. I told you physical attacks don't work on me, which means your chance of beating me is one in, like, a gazillion! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!> The ghost's pale face twisted with pleasure, and then he flung out his hands toward me. His ghostly arms bent in impossible directions, but just before his fingers touched me— "N-nice try!" I hooked Aqua in front of me, using her like a shield. " If the wraith said he was starting to vanish just by getting near Aqua, then actually touching her must have been awfully painful for him. "Hey, Kazuma, what was that just now?! I felt something really, really cold!" Aqua exclaimed, her eyes still closed. "P-Payne, how's it going over there? We know the lady's your natural enemy, but you can at least take out the guy, right?!" The knight shouted, facing completely the other direction from the wraith. Ah-ha-ha. Now I know all their names. Payne was the wraith, Nos was the knight, and Logia was the oni. And at the moment, Nos and Logia still couldn't see. Nos had his sword out and ready—and Logia was stumbling right past him, trying to turn around. You're mine now! "Nos, he's right there! The guy is right in front of your face! Finish him!" "Got it!" "Eeeeyaaarrrrghhh!" I used the Performer buff to imitate Payne's voice and cause Nos to stab Logia. "How's that? Did I get him?!" "Oh no! I cut down Logia?! Wh-wh-what's that supposed to mean? Payne, tell me what's going on!" Nos said, shaking uncontrollably. He could tell something was very, very wrong. As for me, I made sure my throat was in good working order and then said, "Ha, that's perfect! Yeesh! You've always been a thorn in my side, muscle-brain! You were never the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can't believe you've found a way to make my life hard even at a moment like this!" "P-P-P-Payne?! Is that r-r-r-really how you feel about me?!" "Eat this, you sonofa—!" While Nos and Aqua focused on recovering their vision, Payne and I were really duking it out. I stabbed him with the enchanted sword Dust had loaned me, but he reached out and touched me, draining my life away. "Shit! Get away from me, you…! Heal! Heal!" Instead, I plunged my left hand into Payne's transparent body. "D-dammit, you'll never, ever learn to read a room, will you?" Aqua kept looking at me, hoping I would compliment her fighting, but now wasn't the time. "Y-you bastards… How dare you…!" Nos, who'd gotten his sight back just like Aqua, took a step forward, his heavy armor rattling. I held up my sword for form's sake, but I didn't think my pitiful attacks were going to do much against armor like that. "Hey, Aqua, would you listen to this guy? He cut down his own friend with a malicious sneak attack, and now he thinks he's the protagonist of some revenge story!" "I guess that's what makes him a knight of the Demon King's army. He doesn't feel shame no matter how awful or cruel or mean he is." "Y-you were the one who made me kill my friend!" We'd succeeded in getting him to lose his cool, but he proved that he belonged here at the castle. Even enraged, I didn't see any openings. I didn't have a lot of hope that I was going to find a gap in the armor of a knight, a guy who specialized in swordsmanship. But I wouldn't be able to activate Drain Touch, either, because I couldn't touch his body. And then, without warning, Nos attacked! "D-dodge!" My Luck saved my neck, Auto-evade activating and allowing me to get away from his blow. "Hrm? Well, you know how to move—I'll give you that. I never expected you to avoid me so readily…" This was bad, though. I'll be honest: I hadn't even been able to see his sword. He was exactly the sort of knight you'd expect to find in the last dungeon. I wasn't going to be going toe to toe with him. As a lifelong gamer, though, I knew that these meathead types were always weak to magic. It had been ever thus: in old games and recent, Western and Japanese titles alike. "Lightning!" "?!" I intoned some intermediate magic and thrust my left hand in Nos's direction. A bolt of blue-white lightning flashed out as if connecting us. Nos shook violently and dropped his sword. "W-wow, Kazuma, you really do have a whole new arsenal of skills! You just overpowered an enemy coming straight at you, like the hero of a story or something! I can hardly believe it!" "H-hey, shut up! Even I have my moments!" While Aqua was busy jabbering about whatever, Nos picked his weapon back up. "Sorry to burst your bubble," he said, "but I was just startled. That lightning bolt only kind of tickled." "Ignore him! Don't listen to him, Kazuma! Although honestly, I do feel a little relieved!" "I said, shut up! What's with both of you dogpiling on me? I was hoping to conserve my MP, but I think it's time to play my trump card!" ""?!"" Nos held his sword squarely in front of him, sinking down into a fighting posture. Aqua was watching with bated breath from behind, but I knew it was going to be all right. She didn't have to worry. When it came to opponents with low Magic Resistance, I had the perfect killer move! "I wonder what it is. Is it a beam? Is he finally going to shoot a beam?!" Okay, so she may have been on tenterhooks, but I guess Aqua wasn't especially worried. She watched expectantly as I started to mumble a magic incantation to myself. Nos sank his stance even lower. "I don't know what you think you're going to do, but the second you cast a spell, I'll put a hole in your belly. I'll even tell you how I'm going to do it: a thrust! I'll stab clean through you and the lady behind you. Dodge me again, and the girl's dead, got it?" "You heard the man! Aqua, dodge like your life depends on it!" "Uh, does that mean you plan to get out of his way?! You're not going to use yourself as a shield to protect a vulnerable, gorgeous goddess?!" With my incantation finished and ready to cast my spell at any moment, I watched Nos's movements like a hawk. It was really annoying, the way Aqua was clinging to the back of my shirt. Was she hoping to use me as a shield if it came down to it? I mean, using your own party member as a shield—that was inhuman. Or in-goddess or whatever. Hold on… Was she trying to get me back for using her against the wraith? "Who are you people anyway? Where did you crawl in from? We only heard the barrier was brought down a few minutes ago. And you'd have to have some pretty serious strength to even reach the top level here. You know, I think I remember the trap team setting up some ridiculous teleporter that goes straight to this room as a…joke…" Nos, who'd been muttering to himself, his grip on his sword growing less and less steady, suddenly looked straight at us. "D-don't tell me… You didn't get caught in that stupid trap, did you?!" "H-h-hell no, we didn't get caught! I knew it was a trap! And I knew it had to be the quickest way to the Demon King's chamber, so I deliberately tripped it!" "Y-yeah, me too! I definitely knew that it was a trap right away, at least! My unclouded vision discerned that this was the shortest path!" Nos sighed to himself. "I didn't think that ridiculous trap would ever—" "That's enough out of you! Take this!" I cried, unleashing my spell. Nos's reaction was instantaneous: He charged at us with his sword. Shit! I thought I'd caught him off guard, but he had better reactions than I'd expected! Normally, it wouldn't have mattered what spell I'd used. But the trump card I'd played was… "Teleport!" "Grrr! Heh, Teleport, huh? Too bad for you Teleport doesn't work on m—" Nos stood there with his arm stretched out, as if he was stabbing with a sword. But his sword had been magically teleported away. For some reason, though, the armor was still there—and it fell noisily to the ground. "Kazuma, you even know Teleport?! You really did have a trump card up your sleeve! Hey, where'd you send that guy anyway?" "Axel police station." I currently had two registered Teleport destinations, both set up before we'd left for the castle: right outside the Axel police station and the lowest level of the dungeon I'd visited with Vanir and Wiz. Maybe I could have sent Nos to the dungeon just as well as the police station, but I'd promised Vanir that when I got back, we would go collect the rest of the treasure from the dungeon. If there was a knight waiting right there, he might kill me the moment we teleported in. So I went with the police station just to be safe. "You're going to reduce the poor patrolmen to tears, sending them a villain like that." "What's state power for if not to help out when you're in a bind? These are people who deal with Axel's street punks and unruly adventurers. I think they can handle a monster. Heh! And now you see what happens to anyone who tries to get in my face now that I've awakened!" I grinned broadly, and Aqua looked at me, her eyes shining. "It's so wonderful to see you relying on others to solve your problems again! I knew you just weren't Kazuma if you didn't act like a pathetic weakling!" "Ha-ha-ha, you joker! If you make too much fun of me, I'll teleport home on my own!" "Hee-hee! Kazuma, you're a barrel of laughs! Pfffft-hee-hee-hee! Uh… You are joking, aren't you? That was a joke, right?!" I ignored Aqua, taking a fresh look at our room. The only things around were the corpse of the oni who'd been cut down by the very friend he trusted (you did have to feel a little bad) and the pile of armor formerly worn by Nos. "I wonder why I couldn't teleport his armor…," I said. "If I had to guess, I'd say the guy you teleported had weak Magic Resistance. You remember that Dullahan from way back? He had armor that protected him from holy magic, right? And if you can't resist magical teleportation, you might be sent who knows where and even killed the moment you show up at your destination. It would have been enough for his armor to interfere with Teleport, but he probably got carried away and got armor that actually couldn't be teleported instead." ...… "Okay, that explains the armor, but what's that mean? The guy inside still got teleported? I might call that a pretty serious product flaw." "Hey, don't ask me. It seems like the sort of thing a muscle-brained knight would come up with." Geez. So he'd been all confident that Teleport wouldn't have any effect on him, and now he was standing outside the police station…buck naked. If we were all lucky, he was at least wearing some sort of clothes under his armor… "I thought maybe my trump card wasn't working right, but if this is how it's supposed to work, then that's fine. Anyway, how about we hunker down here and wait for the others to show up?" "Good idea. A trap like that, they should be right behind us." She was right. The trap had even succeeded in catching her and me. The others would come sooner rather than later. Aqua and I settled in to wait, sure that the rest of the group would be joining us soon…