Applause for This Paladin!

1

Darkness stood proudly before the door leading to the Demon King's chamber. Mitsurugi was behind her, followed by his spear wielder, his Thief girl, and then Yunyun, Aqua, and Megumin.

First, Darkness would bust down the door and immediately use her Decoy skill to draw the attacks of the Demon King and any guards in the room. That would give Mitsurugi and Yunyun, our chief firepower, time to take out the opposition.

The spear wielder would look for any targets of opportunity, hitting the nearest enemies, while the Thief played a support role for everyone else. Aqua would use healing magic from the rear guard on anyone who got hurt while Megumin would bide her time at the tail of the formation. (She'd already done about as much magic as she could do in a day; I'd convinced her to bring up the rear by telling her she was our trump card.) If it looked like the Demon King was too strong for even Darkness to deal with, Yunyun and I would get everyone out of there with Teleport while Darkness held the line and let Mitsurugi and Yunyun handle the king on their own.

And if it looked like the battle was going to run long… "You really are underhanded, aren't you? From your fight with me to that ambush you sprang a few minutes ago…do you have something against fighting with honor? I gather you're spreading the word that you beat me, but it sort of eats at me to have been subjected to such a pathetic fighting style."

Mitsurugi could criticize all he wanted. I stuck to the shadows of the door.

"Underhanded? I prefer the term prudent. And listen, there are some fights you just can't afford to lose, even if you get labeled a dirty, rotten scoundrel because of how you win them. Say, for example, the final battle for the fate of humanity that we're about to jump into!"

I'd taken off the armor; it was hard to move in anyway. I had my enchanted sword out and ready and my bow and my beloved blade—complete with silly name—across my back.

If the battle looked like it was going to run long, I would let everyone else go in first, activate my Ambush skill to keep myself hidden, and then infiltrate the room a few minutes later. Then all I would have to do was find a moment when the Demon King was open and give him one good Deadly Backstab.

"Um, he only mentioned a couple of battles, but I think you've played dirty in pretty much all your fights, right?" Aqua said.

"Shhh! Do not say such things, Aqua. He is trying to look his best before we venture into battle with the Demon King."

"Yeah, what if you ticked him off? I wouldn't put it past him to teleport out of here all by himself and ditch us."

They were whispering behind me, but the fact was, I had been thinking about ditching them… "All right, everyone, lend me your ears," Mitsurugi said, standing in front of the door. "It's incredible that we've come this far together. And now, as we stand on the cusp of the battle for the fate of humanity…" As Mitsurugi started giving some sort of speech, Aqua tugged on my sleeve.

"Kazuma, hey, Kazuma, are we really doing this? We've managed to get pretty strong, kind of in spite of ourselves, so couldn't we find some other way to make money? I have to say that a get-rich-quick scheme like defeating the Demon King doesn't really match up with your prudent, cowardly MO, Kazuma."

I wanted to ask if she was making fun of me, but I could see on her face that she was completely serious—and pretty worried.

"Who was it who brought up the entire idea of taking down the Demon King?

When we get back to the mansion, you and I are going to have a very long talk."

Yeah, earlier, when it had been just the two of us, my resolve had wavered, but now I was sure: When we got back, I was going to lecture her until she cried.

"Anyway, you can say what you want, but you really want to go back to Heaven, right? Okay, then let's blitz the Demon King so you can go back anytime you want, and then we can live it up and have some fun. We're going to do it carefully, though. If we pretend to be all strong and powerful at a moment like this, that's a death flag for sure. And I know you have a history of saying stuff that sets off death flags, so watch it, okay?"

I was remembering what Aqua had said the night she left.

"Look, Kazuma, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I really don't care, so let's just go home, okay? I went to see Emperor Zel again, and I'll listen to whatever lecture you all want to give me, as long as I have some delicious wine to drink while you do it. So… So let's go home, okay?"

I had half a mind to tell her not to plan on ignoring my all-important lecture.

"I wish I could go home…" That's what Aqua had said as she held her knees and looked up at the moon, and it just wouldn't leave me alone.

"Shut up! I don't care if you want to go home; I need to get this whole thing off my back! I need to be able to return you to Heaven like a defective toy if I want to!"

"Like a defective what, you tsundere NEET?! You could at least stand to admit your true feelings at a time like this!" Aqua made to strangle me, but I darted back out of the way. Meanwhile, Mitsurugi and his entourage were really getting into it.

"Fio. Cremea. I want you to both relax. Even if we lose this battle, we'll go get stronger, and then we can come back here someday. I know how long you've worried. I know how hard you've worked to keep up with me, raising your levels whenever you could… Thank you so much for sticking with me to the very end.

Let's beat the Demon King and go home. Together!"

Oops, sounded like that was the end of his speech. I guess whatever he'd said was really moving or something, because the spear wielder and the Thief were nodding, teary-eyed. I wondered distantly which one was Fio and which one was Cremea.

But anyway, more important things.

"Aqua, you understand the plan, right? If anyone dies, the fighting stops. We collect the body and teleport out of there. I need you to resist your instincts on this one. Don't go running over to resurrect them the moment they drop, understand? If somebody gets an attack in on you while you're doing the resurrection, it's all over. First teleport, then resurrection, got it? Because if you die on us, we've got nothing."

As long as we had Aqua with us, then even if the worst should happen… Well, it wasn't the worst that could happen. The question was whether Aqua, who tended to make a beeline for anyone injured or killed without thinking about anything else, would remember what I'd told her in the heat of battle… "You can stop repeating yourself, Kazuma. I understand perfectly well. You just need to trust me. Still, I can't help feeling a bit bad about this one. And not like normal—like you might shuffle off the mortal coil, but whatever. It's like… this is going to be one we can't take back."

"Stop it, moron—that's enough out of you! Why do you like death flags so much?! Today of all days, just do what I tell you, all right? Even if somebody dies, do not pop out in front. Your job is support from a nice, safe location. As long as you're alive and we can collect the bodies, then we can make do. You understand me?"

Aqua nodded. I finally felt like I had repeated myself enough times that even with her famous inability to read a situation, I thought we would be okay.

"Have you finished your little chat?" Megumin asked. "All right, a little something for each of you from me. Starting with Kazuma—I'm giving some of this back to you, just in case it becomes necessary." She reached into the backpack she'd been carting around so carefully and started handing out manatite to everyone who could use magic. First, she pressed five of the crystals on me. Then she took out a single stone for Yunyun.

"Wow! I've never seen such a big piece of manatite! Are you sure? Can I really have…? H-hey, Megumin! Hey, come on! If you're going to give it to me, then give it already!"

Megumin wasn't letting go of the rock. "This is a precious gift I received from Kazuma," she said. "Use it thoughtfully, all right? Seriously, save it for when you really, truly need it. For I my very self received it as a gift!"

"Yeah, fine, I get it; you're happy to have a present—you don't need to brag about it! I'll be careful with it, I promise!" Yunyun, finally in possession of the manatite chunk, looked at it with her eyes sparkling.

Aqua watched the scene, brimming with anticipation. "Neat, Megumin!

Where's my piece?"

"You don't need one, do you, Aqua? We've been together for quite a long time, yet I've never known you to run out of MP, so— Hey! What are you doing? This is very precious stuff! Anyway, if I gave you some manatite, you wouldn't even use it; you'd just sell it!"

I ignored the tug-of-war over the manatite that had started between the two, instead putting my own pieces away in my pouch and taking up position once more in the shadow of the door. I activated Sense Foe and was greeted with a veritable barrage of dangerous auras on the other side.

Ahhh. I'd figured that if the Demon King could strengthen his minions, he would just keep them all at his side. But the knights we'd faced in this room were essentially the overflow from his chamber.

Darkness, standing beside me, started to smile at me—now, of all moments!

"Kazuma… Do you remember when I joined this party? You said that you and Aqua might not look like much but that you swore you were going to defeat the Demon King. I never envisioned it happening quite like this…" Geez, I couldn't believe she actually remembered that. "Quit it! Going all memory lane at a moment like this is a death flag for sure. At least pick something fun, something to get me in the spirit. You know, like tell me that if I defeat the Demon King, you'll let me have a harem so that I can leave plenty of successors to the hero's bloodline."

"Y-you hopeless man… To the bitter end…! No. I suppose this is perfectly like you. Wait… If you defeat the Demon King? If you…defeat…" Suddenly her expression went from a wry smile to one of shock. "Ahhh! Kazuma, do you still have that ring?! The one you stole from Iris when you snuck into the castle?"

Whoa, hold on! "Pipe down—Mitsurugi's right here! That doesn't even matter anyway; why would you bring it up?"

"N-no, it does matter. I can't ignore what I just heard… You snuck into the castle and stole a ring from Lady Iris?" Mitsurugi, who had been standing behind me and Darkness getting his gear ready and had apparently heard everything, looked at me like he had some sort of objection to raise.

"How he got it doesn't matter now!" Darkness exclaimed. "The ring matters!

You still have it, don't you?!"

"Yes! Yes, I still have it. It's back in my room at the mansion, in the same place I keep my precious ero books." That was my little sister's cherished ring, after all. I wouldn't want anything to happen to it. I kept it safely in a box with my other valuables.

"Your—! You can't keep the royal family's ring with a bunch of porn! Listen to me! You have to let somebody else strike the final blow against the Demon King! Hrm… But if Mitsurugi was to do it, that could be problematic, too… Arrrgh! I'll take the arch-fiend's head myself!"

"What's gotten into you? Trying to grab the glory all of a sudden? You always pretend not to care about money, but now you're showing your true, greedy colors, you bankrupt noble!"

"I'm not worried about anything as basic as money! I don't care who does it, as long as it's not you or Mitsurugi!"

Megumin raised her hand. "In that case, I call dibs on the title of Slayer of the Demon King."

"Don't make things any more complicated than they already are, Megumin!

You can't use Explosion indoors anyway! Trust me, if Kazuma defeats the Demon King, you'll regret it just as much as I will! Say something to him, Aqua!"

"That doesn't bother me nearly as much as that armor of yours, Darkness. It's gotten awfully cruel-looking since I saw you last. It seems to me like it's cursed.

But I'll break it for you. Although that might cause the armor to disappear…" Darkness grabbed Aqua before she could launch into her curse-breaking spell, slapping a hand over her mouth to keep her from intoning any magic.

How was it that we were standing one door away from the final battle, and yet we were just wasting our time bickering?

"If our combined efforts can take the Demon King down the normal way, then it doesn't matter if I don't assassinate him. You know what we're getting ourselves into, though, right? As far as I know, Darkness, no one in Axel has better stamina or Magic Resistance than you do. If even you can't withstand the Demon King's attacks, I don't think there's anyone who will be able to take him down."

If even Darkness's endurance and Aqua's healing powers weren't enough to protect us from the Demon King, then we had no choice but to give up on fighting fair; we'd have to resort to having Megumin drop explosions on him from a distance. And that would work only if the Demon King was willing to stick around in this castle now that the barrier was gone.

Oops. Darkness was smacking my chest with the flat of her fist and giving me a little smile. "I might not be good for anything else, but for protection, you can count on me." It was a strange moment for the normally helpless, retiring Crusader. Until this point, Darkness had always been something of an unsung hero, serving as our shield. If she could have had it together like this more often, instead of getting all pant-pant or turning impatient and angry, I might even have been able to muster an earnest word of thanks.

"I've always pursued the path of the female knight, but I never imagined my dream of being sexually tortured by the Demon King might actually come true.

Kazuma… You have my profound thanks."

"I was about to say something similar, but, um…I take it back."

Aqua, Megumin, Darkness—to the bitter, bitter end, they had to be this way… As we waited for Aqua to finish buffing all of us, I looked at each of the others in turn and nodded.

And then Darkness kicked down the door!

2

"Demon King! Prepare to—" "Cursed Lightning!"

"Cursed Lightning!!"

"Cursed Lightning!!!"

The instant she stepped through the door several dozen blasts of dark lightning came crashing down on Darkness.

"Hey!" I couldn't help exclaiming from the shadow of the door at the incredible sight I was seeing. Cursed Lightning, as I recalled, was the brutal electrical magic Wiz had used to eviscerate the dragon in that dungeon.

Darkness's body spasmed with the blows. "Curse you! Launching a magical attack without even introducing yourself? How cowardly can you get? And yet, you dare to call yourself the Demon King?! Show yourself!" Black smoke rising from her armor, Darkness went charging into the room!

Huh? I would have said that was pretty deadly magic they just hit her with… As I hid by the door, marveling at just how tough Darkness was, everyone else went pouring into the room after her. Yunyun was letting fly with some kind of magic. I heard an awful voice from inside, terrible enough to make my heart ache.

"Pardon my minions for being so rude! Yes, what you say has some logic. Well, you intruders have certainly smashed up my castle well enough. Are you heroes…or fools? Now, show me your pow—" "Infernoooo!!"

"Hrgh?!" the owner of the awful voice cried.

That must have been Yunyun with the enthusiastic spell. The heat of the blast wind even reached me where I was standing by the open door.

"Hey…! Yunyun, I told you to save that manatite for when you absolutely, positively needed it most! What are you doing burning it out the moment we get in the room?!" That would be Megumin, exclaiming angrily. Guess Yunyun used up the manatite in one go. It wasn't like Yunyun to do something like that.

I wondered which devil or street punk had gotten her ear.

"Crimson Magickers, eh? You never do things halfway."

"S-sorry! It's just, uh, a no-good friend of mine said, 'So you're dropping by the Demon King's place, huh? That obnoxious S.O.B… If you see him, give him one for us!' So I thought I needed to…" Ah, the Goody Two-shoes had finally fallen.

"My name is Yunyun! Arch-wizard and wielder of advanced magic! Foremost magic-user of the Crimson Magic Clan and, as such, she who will be the next chief! And I'm going to show you what a Crimson Magic Clanner can really do!"

"Yes…you lot certainly have been a thorn in my side. Very well. Show me your power, O future chief of the Crimson Magic Clan!"

Wow! Forget the fights with the generals we'd had. This was the fantasy world I'd been looking for—this very final showdown with the Demon King!

"How dare you put on such an awesome performance and leave me completely out of it! To think, you normally refuse to even say that stuff for sheer embarrassment! And after you struck a blow with my manatite!"

"Ow! Ow! Stop it, Megumin! Not now!"

I couldn't see the girls from where I was, but I could take a pretty good guess at what was happening. Seriously, what was Megumin thinking, pulling that crap right at this moment?

At the same time, I heard a whole bunch of monsters shouting and roaring from inside the room. As if in defiance, Darkness yelled, "Decoy!"

"Demon King! I'm coming for you!" Mitsurugi cried, and then there was a crashing of swords. I heard magical booms and bangs and Darkness laughing, her excitement driven through the roof by the cursed armor.

I didn't know how long the fighting had gone on before I heard Megumin cry, "Darkness, you can't hold them all on your own! You need to decrease the power of your Decoy skill a bit!"

I guess she was still holding out by herself against all the enemy's attacks. She hadn't even flinched in the face of General Winter. I knew she wasn't about to back down here and now.

At this rate, though, it looked like the battle could drag on. The number of enemy auras I sensed hadn't decreased at all, leaving me worried that Darkness would be the first one to cry uncle. There were exactly ten enemies in the room —the same number we'd defeated during the fight here in the antechamber. In other words, it should have been a manageable number, if they hadn't all been buffed to hell by the Demon King's abilities.

And that meant that if I could only take out the Demon King, we might just win this thing!

My time had come at last. It was fine, by which I mean it was low-risk. I could do this!

I activated Ambush and sneaked into the increasingly noisy chamber. I was wearing my cloak like a hood as I crept along. I might've looked silly, like a kid trying to pretend no one could see me, but this was the skill that had activated when I was in the dark shadows along the wall. I thought back to when Chris had taught me this ability. She'd hidden in a barrel right in front of me and been quite proud of how well she was concealed.

As I worked my way along, silent and sneaky, I took a glance around the room from under my cloak hood. Darkness was right in the middle of the chamber, putting on one heck of a show with the bad guys. Maybe her attacks never hit, but the way she swung that great sword, her face red, must have looked awfully threatening. Combined with Decoy, all the attacks naturally came her way, but even after a pretty thorough beating by a group of enemies powered up by the Demon King, she didn't look remotely like she was going to give in.

"What is she made of? Iron?!" one of the Demon King's bodyguards shouted. I glanced in his direction to find three wizard types in black robes, along with four knights. Then there was another oni, with the big horns growing out of his head, and some sort of grim reaper, a skeleton in a robe holding a scythe.

And there, at the very farthest end of the room, was a man barking orders. I couldn't make out his face under his hood, but I figured that had to be him. The Demon King.

This was my chance!

He wasn't even wearing any armor. If I could just get around behind him, one good stab would do the trick. I started sneaking forward again… "You, there! Whaddaya think you're doing?"

Before I knew what was happening, the grim reaper was standing in front of me. Shit! Ambush skill, where did you go?!

The specter of death raised his scythe.

Aqua shouted, "Kazumaaaa!"

Ah. So that's it. Hadn't she told me, back when we'd delved that dungeon?

I pulled my hood back, striking out with my sword. The grim reaper's arm moved so fast, it was practically a blur. And then suddenly, the floor was coming closer… Down in the dungeon, Aqua had told me that Ambush didn't work on the undead.

3

"Power Up!"

Suddenly, someone was casting magic at me.

I was in the usual white room. I guess I'd gotten my head chopped off or something. I was dead. Yet again. I stood stock-still and said, "Uh, Lady Eris, what are you doing?"

I was wondering about the sudden magic, but she responded only by exclaiming, "Protection!"

What was going on here? I could actually feel additional effects from the spells. Aqua was supposed to have buffed me already, but maybe different sects had slightly different spells or something. But that still left a question.

"Lady Eris, um, why are you casting magic on me?"

"Resistance! Why, so you can get back into the fight as soon as my senior goddess resurrects you, of course," she said.

Uhhhh…no.

"Cut me some slack, Lady Eris. We're already screwed on this one. I'll be honest with you—I didn't even think about the fact that there might be undead there." I sat down and kicked out my feet. "I really thought things were gonna go fine this time."

It had worked so well on that guy Mammon, I figured, why shouldn't it work again? But I guess as good as my Luck was, I couldn't expect everything to go my way. Dammit! Aqua had raised the death flag with all that talk about bad feelings, and I was the one who'd bought it. When we got home, I was going to give her a piece of my mind.

"I don't know what you mean. This isn't over. Your friends are still fighting the Demon King," Eris said. "I admit the situation doesn't look great for you, but— Oh! Oh! Darkness's Decoy skill finally gave out, and now Mitsu…Mitsurugi, was it? He's surrounded by enemies…! …Oh, phew! Yunyun blew them away with a magical blast."

Eris was looking into thin air, emotions wrenching her expression one way and then another. I wished she would stop feeding my freshly retired body all these shocking twists.

"No, look, we've got a plan. If anyone dies, we abandon the fight, collect the body, and teleport right out of there. I'm sure they'll start trying to get away any minute."

I was sitting on the floor, practically limp, but Eris cocked her head. "No, no one's given up yet. In fact, Megumin is positively over the edge, and even Yunyun looks fired up. Megumin is waving her staff around and saying something about 'my lifelong friend and rival, let us take revenge for Kazuma!' She looks like she might drop an explosion right there in the middle of that little room. And Darkness is shouting about killing them all…" N-no, Megumin, stop… Don't egg them all on… And Darkness! She was supposed to be a well-bred noblewoman. Why did she have to be so impatient?

I was mentally demanding why they didn't get the hell out of there, but to be fair, the one who had died was, well, me. If it had been Mitsurugi or Darkness or Yunyun, the tide of battle would have turned on the spot—but it wasn't, and I guess they didn't want to give up this chance to take out the Demon King.

Okay, so it wasn't quite what we'd planned, but I was sure that if things got too ugly, they'd get out of there. I only wondered whether, if it came to that, they'd forget the plan completely and leave my corpse lying there in the Demon King's chamber.

N-no. They wouldn't do that. They'd make sure to grab my body on the way out. Wouldn't they?

I was starting to fret a little, but Eris smiled at me. "Call me cruel, but I'm going to have you move on. This is the first time I've broken the rules on my own initiative and not because my senior goddess was being pushy, so I'm a bit nervous, but…" Nervous, right. Eris was grinning excitedly.

"No, hey, I can't do it, Lady Eris. Even Mitsurugi seemed to be struggling with those guys. What do you think I'm going to contribute to a battle like that? I'm the weakest class, and I don't even have any cheats, remember? Let me ask you something. Does stuff like poison or Backstabbing even work on the Demon King? I mean, it happens all the time in games, right? Boss characters are immune to poison and insta-kill attacks and stuff."

"Hmm. You're right—I don't think poison would affect the Demon King. One-hit-kill attacks probably wouldn't work, either…" Eris smiled, with just a touch of pain.

Huh, so my sneak-attack plan wouldn't have worked anyway.

"That's even more reason I can't do anything, then. My stats suck compared to other adventurers'. All I've got going for me is my good Luck. Look, I don't mean to complain too much, but I think it's kind of amazing that I've even made it this far with abilities like these, isn't it? Not to toot my own horn, but…" Eris was just listening to my pathetic moaning with a little smile. "Well, I got sent to another world with nothing but the tracksuit on my back. I spent my whole life as a pampered shut-in, and then suddenly I was sleeping in a stable and doing hard physical labor. Then I had to make my own fortune at the same time as I was trying to keep my friends out of trouble, and before I knew it, I was mired in debt. And no sooner do I think I've paid my way out than I'm caught up with a bunch of big-trouble types, dragged into one dangerous thing and then another."

Geez, a moment like this, and it seemed like I couldn't stop whining. The worst of my experiences just kept rolling through my mind.

"Would it have killed someone to let me have at least a few good memories?

Hell, even I think I've gotten pretty twisted since arriving here. Who wouldn't? I was always a shut-in, but now I feel like an awful human being, too…" Eris didn't say anything about my litany, just listened silently… And then she giggled.

"But you had fun, didn't you?"

…That wasn't fair.

"Well… Yeah. I guess."

"I thought so." Eris was smiling, as if she thought I should be impressed with her.

Aw, Chief… You're so cute.

"Your friends haven't given up. Wouldn't it be lonely if you just retired to the afterlife all by yourself? That's why I want to make sure you're ready to jump back into the fray whenever my senior goddess resurrects you."

I appreciated the sentiment, but there was a problem. "The thing is, that's not going to happen. I made it absolutely, positively crystal clear to her: If anyone died, she was supposed to stay back where she was, not go running over to them." So… "So I guess you cast all that magic on me for nothing," I almost whispered.

Eris, though, nodded confidently. "Oh, I see. Anyway, let's continue, shall we?

Haste!"

It was like she hadn't heard a word I'd said. Did all goddesses refuse to listen to people?

No sooner had I had that thought than a voice echoed around the white room, a voice I absolutely should not have been hearing.

"Kazuma! Kazumaaaa!!"

It was Aqua, ignoring what I had told her to the bitter, bitter end. What did that idiot think she was doing, prancing through the middle of a battle? If she died, no one would be coming back to life! Did she even understand that?! And after I'd warned her as forcefully as I could to stay back. And when she'd acted so scared of the Demon King… "Kazuma, we're in trouble in more ways than one! Megumin's started chanting Explosion!"

That made me sit up and take notice.

I turned to Eris, who was grinning openly. "Why does she never listen?"

"No idea. Don't you think that's part of what makes her lovable?"

I didn't think she was lovable, and I did think that when we got home, I was going to lecture her until she burst into tears.

Eris, however, looked at me and said, "Kazuma, do you know you're smiling?"

She sounded as if she couldn't be having more fun if she tried. Well, this was a pickle… She always seemed all kinds of vulnerable as the chief, but in her goddess form, I found Eris leading me around by the nose. And it killed me that I could never seem to say no to her when she smiled.

I finally stood, smacking myself on the cheeks to pump myself up.

"Yeesh, what does that idiot take me for? Gotta admit, though, I'm impressed she was able to pull off a resurrection in the middle of a battle," I said, walking toward the door back to the real world that had appeared in the middle of the room.

"And Darkness is still fending off the Demon King and his bodyguards all by herself. Hee-hee! Even the arch-fiend and his personal troops aren't sure what to do about her toughness! I wish you could see how annoyed the Demon King looks right now," Eris said, giggling.

Well, yeah. Our Crusader had enviably high defense if nothing else. She was definitely the toughest in Axel—maybe in the whole world.

I kept trying to tell myself that if Darkness could show some guts at a moment like this, so could I. But the thought of the enemy we were fighting still brought a sigh to my lips. "The Demon King, huh…?"

This was a real battle with a real final boss. First, we'd dealt with all those generals, and now this… Why did it always have to be the most powerful enemies for me? That stuff about my Luck being high must have been a load of nonsense… As I reached the door, I turned to see Eris looking at me expectantly, her fist clenched in front of her chest. I said, "Just to be clear, you know I don't have a plan, right? I can tell you exactly what's going to happen if I rejoin that battle.

But… Hey, I've come this far. Might as well show up for the finale."

I doubt I sounded very inspiring, but Eris gave me a serious look and said, "Let me offer you just one piece of advice, then. My senior goddess is with you in this battle. You might not believe it, but she's a real goddess with powerful abilities. She can even temporarily weaken the Demon King's powers."

"She can?! Geez, that almost makes her sound like a real goddess! …But wait, that moron never said a word about that."

"I think m-maybe she forgot about it…" ...Was Aqua really a goddess with actual, powerful powers? I did remember one time she'd threatened to "seal" the lower half of my body with a seal so powerful, no human being would ever be able to undo it. And she'd used a seal, too, after Chris had stolen the divine necklace from Iris. So maybe…?

"So it sounds like the Demon King's most dangerous ability is that he can boost the stats of any monsters around him. Can she nerf that, too?"

"I'm afraid not. She can only weaken the Demon King's physical traits, his Magic Resistance, his Magic Power, that sort of thing… But speaking of lowering his Magic Resistance, I've got a hint for you. You can use Teleport, right, Kazuma?"

Bingo!

"With the king's resistance lowered so that even my magic can work on him, I could teleport him right to the Axel police station! And then all the adventurers in town could dogpile on him!"

"N-no, that's not what I meant! Remember that a detachment from the Demon King's army is attacking Axel right now! The battle is still open at the moment, but if the Demon King was to appear there, the detachment would be strengthened, and the town would be annihilated in an instant."

Shoot, I'd forgotten about the siege on the town… "So what am I supposed to do?" I asked.

Eris raised her pointer finger. "One of your Teleport destinations is the bottom of that dungeon, right?" She looked at me like this should make perfect sense, like a kid who thinks they're being really clever.

Ah! I was supposed to dump the Demon King at the bottom of the dungeon and strand him there!

"So I take him to the bottom of the dungeon and just leave him to die! Ooh, Lady Eris, you're a nasty one. I think it's a good plan, though."

"No! That's still not what I meant! There might be plenty of monsters down there, but the Demon King could easily bend them to his will. It would be no trouble for him to waltz out of that dungeon. And that's why I want to ask you for a little favor, Kazuma…" I had a bad feeling about this.

"Perhaps you would be so kind as to defeat the Demon King…one-on-one?"

She was even crazier than Aqua.

"No! Nuh-uh. Noooot happening. Impossible with a capital I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E. Tell you what. Maybe I could take Mitsurugi, Yunyun, and Aqua with me to the dungeon along with the Demon King, then let Aqua buff Mitsurugi and Yunyun; then the two of them could let loose on him and then Yunyun could teleport us home. Our chances of success are waaaaay higher with a plan like that."

I thought it was a good suggestion, but Eris shook her head. "For starters, I would assume the Demon King can use Teleport himself, so in that situation, he'd just zip right back to his castle."

"Then wouldn't he just do that anyway, whether we all came with him or just me?"

Eris sort of smirked. "An important part of the Demon King's job is to face a brave adventurer in combat and be gloriously defeated. If he was to run away from a lone adventurer challenging him to a fight, he would hardly be the Demon King anymore."

You know, I felt like I'd heard something similar before. Hadn't Vanir or Wiz said something like that down in the dungeon? That at the end, the Demon King had to fight a brave hero in a dramatic battle and be defeated…dramatically?

And that that was what made him the Demon King or something?

"Y-yeah, okay… But then wouldn't it be better to send Mitsurugi or someone along with the Demon King? He actually wants to be a brave hero or whatever."

I hated to admit it, but in a straight fight, that guy stood a much better chance than I did.

"I really don't think that would work. Mitsurugi only knows how to use his sword; in a dark dungeon, I don't think he'd have a chance against the king of the demons. But you… You, Kazuma, with your plethora of skills and your ability to adapt to any situation—with you, there might actually be some hope. And besides…" She clasped her hands in front of her chest, her eyes sparkling. "A boy from the weakest class, with no distinctive abilities at all, defeating the Demon King. Doesn't that sound way cooler?!"

What a thing to say. I guess she did have a righteous-thief thing going. Maybe she liked those manga with crazy, melodramatic plot twists or whatever.

Then, as if to give me one more push, we heard:

"Kazuma! Kazumaaaa!"

It was Aqua, sounding like she was on the verge of tears—definitely not quite in the spirit of our very serious discussion.

"Aw, geez. She's always making fun of me. Why would she rely on me when it counts most?" I said, but even as I spoke, I was bracing myself to fight the Demon King.

Eris's expression as she looked at me wasn't that of a pure, self-serious goddess. "Well, obviously, it's because she trusts you. I always knew you were a tsundere, Lowly Assistant. You might complain, but my senior goddess has you wrapped around her little finger."

No, the look on her face was the same mischievous smile my "friend" often wore.

"And I always knew you were a cute one, Chief. What do you say—once I've gotten rid of the Demon King, will you marry me?"

"Oh, sure. But you'll tell Megumin and Darkness for me, won't you, Lowly Assistant?" Eris giggled, accustomed to my teasing by now, I guess.

"Shoot, really? Now, that's the inspiration I needed to really fight. I'll let Megumin and Darkness know right now that I'm gonna marry Chris!"

"N-no, I'm sorry, please don't! I don't want the two of them to get mad at you! I was just teasing you back!"

Okay, so maybe my chief, still adorably demure beneath her facade of confidence, wasn't quite used to my teasing yet.

I grinned at how Eris was getting all bent out of shape, but we heard Aqua again:

"Kazumaaa! Kazumaaaaa!"

Yeesh, and just when Eris and I were having a nice moment. Did she do this stuff on purpose? I was so annoyed, the first thing I was going to do when I returned to life was chew her out.

"At this very moment, many people are fighting all over the land—in the town of Axel and in the capital, both of which are besieged by the Demon King's forces." Eris snapped her fingers, and the white door in front of me opened. "In Axel, the friends with whom you've adventured, shared drinks, laughed, and argued are resisting a brutal push by the detachment. And in the capital, a squadron of knights led by the king himself is standing shoulder to shoulder with adventurers from Japan and hand-picked forces from the Crimson Magic Clan." She'd sounded serious to this point, but then she chuckled. "And a brave young girl who regards you as an older brother, wearing the holy armor Aigis, has joined forces with an Axis disciple and Megumin's Crimson Magic friend to face the Demon King's daughter in combat."

"Say what?!" I jerked back in shock. What a thing to hear at this moment!

I didn't know exactly what was going on, but I guess they were in big enough trouble that Iris herself had to take the field? I really wondered what the story was, why Iris had teamed up with Aigis, and who these friends of hers were.

Setting aside the Axis disciple, Megumin's Crimson Magic friend must be one of her classmates… "The way this world works is, when the Demon King is born, monsters all over the world gradually increase in strength. And when the Demon King is felled, all monsters immediately get substantially weaker. You understand what that means, don't you, Kazuma?"

Now, Chief, that just isn't fair. How could I not go defeat the Demon King after hearing something like that? Well… Then again, maybe she'd told me because she knew I was already inspired to go do it. But geez, if she'd mentioned that a little sooner, maybe she would have been able to convince me more easily.

Funny time to stand on principle.

"Thanks, that only makes me even more eager to go for it. If even my little sister is out there fighting, then I'd better take down the Demon King and help her."

I started toward the door, but Eris had one more thing to say.

"I've got one final parting gift for you before you head back to the mortal plane, Lowly Assistant."

I guess her work as a goddess was over, because she switched back to sounding like my friend Chris. She held out her hands toward me. This was great. She'd already given me a ton of buffs, but if I was going to take on the Demon King, I sure wanted every advantage I could possibly have.

"This is one bit of magic where I know I can hold my own even beside my senior goddess! In the name of the goddess of good luck, I give you my very best blessing! Blessing!"

With that very encouraging spell cast on me, I turned to go through the door for real. With my already good Luck now boosted to almost unfair levels, I was really starting to get into this.

I can do it. Maybe never before and maybe never again, but I can do it right now.

With both Aqua's and Chris's magic backing me up, I was ready to go.

But leave it to the densest person in any room to take a chunk out of my motivation. She hardly sounded worried at all as she said:

"Kazuma, Kazumaaa! Come on, quick! Hurry!"

I traded a look with Chris and smiled. Then I shouted into the air, "Looks like I've got no freakin' choiiiiice!"

Chris grinned at the way I shouted back at Aqua. "All right. Go forth," I heard my cherished friend—both the goddess and my chief—say from behind me, "to slay the Demon King!"

A stereotypical but perfect way to send me off. I charged through the door!

3

"Megumin, I don't care! Wipe these sons of bitches out! I'll protect the rest of you like a human wall! We know for a fact that I can absorb one of your explosions!"

"Very well. If we die, we die together! And in the event you prove unable to defend us, after letting off so many explosions in a single day and then ultimately confronting the Demon King, I have no regrets for my life! And as long as all of us are together, I'm not even scared!"

"Stooop! Megumin, wait! Don't take out Darkness!"

Hell of a conversation to come back to.

When I came around, I found myself looking straight into Aqua's eyes. The soft, warm feeling at the back of my head must have been her lap, where she'd propped me up.

"Ah! You finally came back, Kazuma!" Aqua said, pleased to see me conscious again.

I scrambled to a sitting position and quickly took stock of the situation. What I saw was— "Your Majesty, stay behind us!"

"Hey, you there, Crimson Magic wizard! Do you know what you're doing?! If you use Explosion in a room like this, you'll take yourself out along with us!"

What I saw was Megumin, threatening the Demon King and his minions with her staff, which glowed with an Explosion spell ready to go off, and Darkness, weaponless and covered in wounds but defending Megumin all the same.

Then there were the Demon King's bodyguards—holding position in front of their liege—and Yunyun, all desperately trying to talk Megumin down.

Mitsurugi was on one knee—maybe he'd been hurt in the fighting—and his two girlfriends stood protectively in front of him. When I looked for the grim reaper who had taken me out in spite of my Ambush skill, I found a bloodstain on the floor where I'd been killed, along with Darkness's sword, broken in half, and a big scythe lying on the ground. I guess the grim reaper had eaten a serious counterattack from Aqua.

I rose unsteadily to my feet and saw looks of relief on Megumin's and Darkness's faces as they glanced over and noticed me. It looked like we had a stalemate going on, but at the moment, the Demon King and his bodyguards weren't paying any attention to Aqua or me. I guess I didn't blame them, considering the dangerous light glinting from the end of Megumin's staff.

While the king's guards tried to convince Megumin to back down, Aqua said urgently to me, "Kazuma, you need to chant Teleport now. We'll all get out of here. As soon as you and Yunyun are ready to transport us, Megumin can unleash her spell on that balcony over there, and we can escape!"

But I told her, "Aqua, I need you to listen very carefully to what I'm about to say. For once in your life, listen to me, okay? Lady Eris just told me that you can weaken the Demon King's power."

Aqua, however, only said, "Kazuma… What are you talking about? You think I can do something as goddess-like as that? Are you feeling all right? Come on— we need you to get it together."

...… "You get it together! I think you're forgetting what class you are! And you are a goddess!"

"Oh yeah! That's right—now that you mention it, I am a goddess, aren't I?

And with my holy goddess powers, I can take aim at the Demon King and... Hey, hold on… I can weaken the Demon King by putting a seal on him, but that's it, all right? And it doesn't look like the king has any intention of joining the battle anyway. I don't think weakening him would do us much good."

"No, you make him vulnerable, and I'll do the rest… Whatever 'the rest' is.

Looks like you took care of that grim reaper guy. That means I can make use of Ambush again."

At that, a dark look came over Aqua's face. "You still want to do this, Kazuma?

Come on… Let's go home, okay? We can get out of here, and let the government handle the Demon King, and we can all have a nice, happy life together. If money's the problem, well, I wouldn't normally do it, but I could earn some cash with my performances. But only until we're back on our feet, okay? Not forever. So let's—" I held out my hand to stop her from saying any more. And then I gave her my most serious look. "Just watch me. We've come this far together. Surely you trust me at least a little bit to pull something out at a time like this."

"It's because I've known you so long that I don't trust you one bit."

Maybe I really should smack her. Here I was trying to sound cool for once, and she'd just dismissed me. I grabbed Aqua and said, "Screw! That! You just get ready to weaken the Demon King!"

"Ow! Owie! That hurts! Okay, fine. I just need to do that thing, right?"

I kept Aqua in a near-iron grip as I explained what was going to happen.

"Listen up. Once you make the Demon King vulnerable, I'm going to use Ambush again to get close to him. Then I'm going to kidnap him using Teleport.

I'll take him to the bottom of the world's deepest dungeon and finish him off."

"No… Does that mean my poor, shrimpy Kazuma is going to take on the Demon King all by himself? My unclouded goddess's intuition perceives nothing but a death flag at the end of that path!"

Was she never satisfied until she had completely torn down my motivation?

"There's more than one way to skin a Demon King. And if things really look bad, I'll just teleport myself to Axel. If the Demon King doesn't come back here, then just assume I finished him off and go back to town with Yunyun's Teleport.

Even if I can't beat him, I'll try to buy you some time. You guys use it to take out the guards in this chamber. Without the king around, they'll get weaker, too, and you should be able to handle them."

If the Demon King did come back, his buddies would be gone, and my friends could just use him as a punching bag.

The further I got into my plan, though, the more unhappy Aqua looked.

"What happens if you drop dead down in that dungeon? You always seem to get badly hurt in dungeons, and anyway, what if some hungry monster eats you?"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Look… If things turn ugly, I'll get the hell out of there. Even if I run out of MP, I've got that manatite with me, so I'll be able to use Teleport."

We needed to get moving or we would lose the element of surprise from my being resurrected.

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! When the Demon King is defeated, then I shall be the new Demon King…!"

"Megumin, calm down! You can't become the new Demon King just because the old one gets defeated! I see how red your eyes are…but it's just a bluff, right?! When the adventurers saw us off from Axel, they said they would treat us to a meal when we got back! But that's only if we get home alive!"

I looked over and, yep, still a stalemate.

That was when Darkness glanced at me and caught my eye…only to immediately avert her gaze again. Almost like she was trying not to let the Demon King and his forces notice me. But I thought Megumin was doing a pretty good job of providing a distraction. Maybe she was expecting me to resume the original plan, where I would stab the Demon King in the back.

"All right, I'm on my way. After I've teleported out of here, Aqua, I want you to let Megumin and the others know what's going on. Be sure to tell them that I'll teleport home if things get dangerous, okay? Otherwise, she might lose it again."

I was just about to activate Ambush, but Aqua grabbed my sleeve and wouldn't let go. "Kazuma… Why are you so bent on defeating the Demon King?"

she asked anxiously. But she looked almost…eager. Like she thought I might say, It's all for your sake, or something else awesome like that. I felt a flash of annoyance at the way her eyes sparkled, the way she was so obviously transported with the idea that she was a goddess seeing off her brave hero.

"It's definitely not for your sake or whatever," I said.

"This one time of all times, can't you say something nice, like, I'm doing it all for you, O goddess?! …Listen, you tsundere NEET. If things get dangerous, you will run home, won't you? You're such a shrimp, Kazuma, I'm scared one good hit from the Demon King will straight-up kill you."

Shrimp! Bah.

"I know that. Trust me. Or what—you think I'm the kind of guy who would be cool enough to try to take the Demon King in a fair fight? NEETs have one defining characteristic. We give up easily."

"Yeah, I know. You all give up too easily, and you're all cowards. And you get caught up in the moment too quickly, and you're super awkward." She was one to talk about ruining a moment… Couldn't she just give me well wishes and send me on my way? "And I know that no matter what happens, you always come through somehow in the nick of time. So go kick the Demon King's butt.

Just try not to get yourself killed."

Aqua looked right at me, real confidence in her smiling face.

I crept along the wall, hidden beneath my cloak. The last thing I looked like was a brave warrior about to defeat the final boss, but I'd given up on the awesome heroics a long time ago.

As I edged nearer to the king, Aqua closed her eyes and spread her arms in a gesture of prayer. And then she started to glow with a light so bright, it filled the entire room.

Huh! For once, she almost looked like a real goddess.

"O my servants who exist in this world," the firefly goddess began to intone, a drop of sweat falling from her brow. "I, Aqua, goddess of water, command you…" Whatever she was doing, it wasn't something you saw every day, and it got the attention of the Demon King and his lackeys. It looked like they wanted to stop Aqua, but Megumin's threat had them pinned down.

Finally, Aqua slowly opened her eyes and exclaimed: "A seal upon those who are unclean!"

It was pretty quick, as incantations go; it almost sounded like she was just making up the words on the fly. And yet, at her proclamation, the room was filled with a sense of purity and cleanliness. I'd sort of flinched when she'd said, "those who are unclean," but I guess her spell gave me a pass.

The Demon King's bodyguards formed a wall, trying to protect their master from the light.

That was, until Darkness, covered in wounds, cried:

"Decoy!"

…and came charging straight at them.

"Huh?! Protect the Demon King! Hold the line!" one of the guards shouted, but Darkness slammed into him, and the Demon King was bathed in Aqua's light.

I looked for Mitsurugi, wondering where the hell he was. I saw him finally getting to his feet; maybe Aqua had sent some healing magic his way. Good!

That meant the others would have a chance against the bodyguards after I made tracks with the Demon King.

While Darkness was feeding the bodyguards knuckle sandwiches and keeping their attention with Decoy, I managed to get around behind the big guy himself… My first impression of the Demon King up close was that he was a tall, elderly man. I could see a pair of horns poking out from underneath his white hair, but other than that, he looked more or less human. Between the over-the-top black robe and a dark mist that emanated from his body, strengthening his followers, though, anybody who saw him would agree he deserved to be called the Demon King.

"It's a bluff!" the king was shouting. "That Crimson Magic girl is never going to fire. Focus on the man with the enchanted sword, not that Crusader! And the other Crimson Magic girl, too!"

That earned a twitch of Megumin's temple. Shit, man, don't antagonize her!

She'll do it; she really will!

"Damn it all… I never imagined an actual goddess had appeared in this world… So the light that descended on the beginner town was this slack-jawed deity?"

The Demon King was mumbling to himself, looking annoyed about Aqua—with his back to me.

What should I do? Should I change the plan again and try Deadly Backstab on him? But if I failed, it would all be over. And anyway, Eris had said that poison and one-hit-kill attacks probably wouldn't work on him.

All right, Teleport, then…!

"The goddess of water of all things…! Isn't your purview supposed to be some other world? What, did you get the urge to come riding to the rescue of your junior goddess?" The Demon King sounded pretty annoyed by Aqua's presence.

Anyway, it was, uh, mostly my fault that she was here. Very sorry, sir.

Ugh. He really is scary up close.

The Demon King was standing with his undefended back to me. This was my chance, right here before my eyes. All I had to do was take it.

Courage… If only I had something to inspire some courage in me…!

At that moment, I felt as if Darkness met my eyes, even though I was using Ambush. No… I didn't just feel it. Our eyes actually met. And not just mine and Darkness's, either. I found Megumin looking at me, too. They both looked away almost as soon as they had glanced at me, but I saw the hope in their eyes, the little smiles on their faces… Then my gaze settled on Aqua, who had a look of pure trust in me on her face, as if to say her work here was done.

It was time to stop hoping for some kind of cheat ability. No legendary magic swords, no incredible talents, no unbeatable powers. I didn't need them.

Please, Lady Eris… Please…Aqua.

Give this gutless shut-in the courage to vanquish the Demon King!

"…?! When the hell did you get there?!" the Demon King demanded, turning around. But I was already jumping at him, crying:

"Teleport!"