[re]admission of guilt and agony

i am back , after months of silence and no one caring.

I AM BACK!!!!!

yes , yes , yes! applaud me , clap and clap and clap clap clap clap clap , calp for me louder and faster .

why?

well that's simple its because i just stated a statement that is life changing and amazing and is probably the best thing you have heard in this miserable world .

what did i say that is so amazing and beautiful and life changing?

well that should be obvious , i'm back .

i have decided to grace all of you non existent beings with the simple fact that i am back.

but since I've last seen you I've had a lot happen , and in that time I've gone through hardship and happiness and i can feel myself getting more and more positive as the days goes by . but i can also feel the shadow of agony presiding over me like a hat that never comes off.

so what now? what happens now? what do i write about? what do i tell myself? what lies and promises[a promise to yourselves is a lie] will i make to you?

when will i find that peace ive been searching for all my life.

i hate to say it but as the days go by its evident that my only option at peace is death , and im scared of death even though i fantasise about it all the time.

what part of death am i afraid of?

well im afraid of loosing everything , of becoming nothing , of all my work and time spent alive being worth nothing.

and i know that when i die i wont know it , i will on feel the fear before my death but after that i go into a state of non-existence.

and that's scary , the fact that you just disappear and you wont even know it , no thoughts no emotion , you will be no different to that of a chair or pencil or any object with no soul , never knowing that they once existed as life.

that's what scares me more that anything , but i know that this fear will only last for my last moments and after that nothing. no fear, no reality, no me, no existence.