chapter 3

A realisation of my sexuality was the beginning of my struggles.

Previously, it wasn't a problem since I had no mobile device, no social media handles, no access to the internet and most importantly, no queer friends.

But then, as soon as I got admitted into the University of Uyo to study English and Literary Studies, my parents got me my first smartphone to celebrate another step to greatness.

My female best friend who was oblivious of the recent happenings in my life, especially my sexuality, helped me set up a Facebook account, taught me the basic things I needed to know about the app and that was all that I needed.

In addition to the Facebook app, she equally showed me the things I needed to know about the WhatsApp account she activated for me before leaving me in the hands of my devourers.

I was careful not to get addicted to my phone as my school went on a 6 month strike just when I was about to resume.

I stayed at home all day and with the intention of finding out more about myself and my sexuality, I led myself into p o r n o g r a p h y.

"Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away and these desires give birth to sinful actions."

It didn't take long before I swam into the pool of m a s t u r b a t i o n.

I indulged in the act of m a s t u r b a t i o n with the intention of comparing the straight kinda p o r n and the queer kinda p o r n in a bid to find out which one does it for me.

As expected, I fell into the awaiting arms of g a y p o r n and whenever I switched, I found my attention on the male figure throughout the entire session.

I wasn't addicted to my phone, but I got addicted to something more than a mobile device. M a s t u r b a t i o n.

Funnily, I was still diligent in my service to God. I never stepped out of my room without my usual 30 minutes of intensive study of the word and prayers afterwards.

I still went to church daily, still led the worship and choir sessions on Sundays and contrary to my expectations, I still spoke in tongues every single time.

Was I still serving God? Did he still still have me in his plans? I had no answers, but I knew I had my own silent d e m o n s to fight with no idea of how to overcome them.

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Peace of mind departed from me the moment Mrs Rose, our Sunday School teacher, talked about the danger of homosexuality and m a s t u r b a t i o n on a Sunday morning.

Being uncomfortable, I kept chewing on my nails and praying no one notices my uneasiness.

Looking up, I found the mischievous eyes of Ben that noticed my uneasiness and derived pleasure from it.

Left with no choice, I had to listen to Mrs Rose, hoping for a change of sexuality at the end of the day.

I reluctantly said a few words of prayer after the morning teaching as instructed by Mrs Rose and moved down to the only place I found solace. The toilet.

Won't lie when I say the teaching got me thinking about my life. Pondering on the threats of eternal destruction and condemnation, I deleted all traces of homosexuality from my private folder.

I was ready for a fresh start with God. I felt I was, until the opportunity of having my first sexual experience with an actual queer fellow walked into my door without a knock….