chapter 5

Being d e a d would have been better than the kind of life I was living, because I knew in the days of old, Andy and I would have been been d e a d meats, consumed by the wrath of God.

I knew I had to talk to someone. I really wanted to talk to someone. Someone who would understand me at least.

"Should I go to my pastor?"

I dismissed the thought of it immediately.

I certainly did not want to be used as an example for one of his many sermons.

I remember Aunty Cynthia, who had confided in our senior pastor's wife concerning her struggle with m a s t u r b a t i o n and promiscuous living, who in turn told our senior pastor.

The moment Aunty Cynthia stopped coming to church for certain reasons that were not disclosed, her secrets and struggles were the center of discussion on a hot Sunday afternoon.

Men, women, youths, teenagers and even the children formed little groups after the service, with Aunty Cynthia as the subject of their gossip.

That was definitely not what I wanted for myself. I was young, but I still had a reputation to protect.

Was I remorseful? Yes, I was.

Did I stop? Yes, I tried a couple times, but like a bright light of destruction, I was always pointed back to my weakness, with my actions getting greater than the former.

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After the incident with Andy, we became sexually inseparable. We literally became boyfriends.

My parents didn't know him, but he was a constant guest in my house because they were never around.

Church? I convinced him into becoming a member of my church, giving others the impression that we were cousins, but Ben knew better. He knew there was more to our relationship.

Oh sneaky Ben!

One figure I had wrapped on my fingers, since the day I bumped into him jerking his p e n i s in the toilet during a church vigil.

He knew better than to say a word to anyone.

I don't know which was sweeter; the look on his face when I lied that I had a video clip of him w a n k i n g or the look of disgust and disapproval on his face whenever he saw Andy and I.

A new version of me began settling in that I started losing a greater part of myself.

I didn't know who I was anymore, but I knew I was a lost teenager looking for love, answers and acceptance in all the wrong places.

18th March, 10:32AM, and I felt God was about to punish me for my sins and negligence just when I thought I had everything under control.

Andy and I had just finished what we knew how to do best. Sex! and we confidently slept off on the couch in the living room with lubes, c o n d o m s and our clothes scattered everywhere.

I wasn't bothered since I knew my parents were not returning anytime soon and I wasn't expecting any visitor, so I f o o l i s h l y left the door unlocked.

A v i o l e n t tap on my leg interrupted my sleep. I thought was Andy, but then, I turned and Andy was still sleeping peacefully and I was tapped again.

Turning to the opposite direction, I knew it had to be just one person.

"Mummy??" I muttered in shock, confusion and a realization of how doomed I was…..