6
Chapter 6: five: the bitterness of failureSummary:
Turns out Konoha isn't such a nice village after all.
Notes:
Thank you so much for the support, y'all! In this chapter we see a bit of a time skip, and things start to get a little more realistic, if a tad darker.
I do not own Naruto.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Becoming a Hokage 101
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Second Section
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Chapter Five
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Konoha history had everything to be fascinating, except for the obvious brainwashing and the fact that I already knew the whole thing. While they simply brushed over the history of all the other ninja villages, they made sure to make Senju Hashirama as great as possible, sometimes including tales of his younger brother and the Nidaime, Senju Tobirama. Often enough, our chunin sensei, this time a middle aged female chunin called Hitomi, would also mention my father, and since the beginning of my second year at the academy I had learnt to keep my face carefully neutral whenever she did it. All the other children would, inevitably, sneak up a glance on me, but thankfully Kakashi's glare was more than enough to keep them on their toes.
It was frustrating, really.
A year and a half into the shinobi academy life, I'd had more than enough opportunities to get acquainted will all the kinds of tricks adults had to try and get into my good graces. There was the fact some of the other teachers openly gushed over me, much like they did with Kakashi. It made me sick and repulsed and disgusted, but I would always bear it with a respectful dip of my head and a well-practiced 'thank you'. Sometimes, being a wannabe hokage was a pain in the ass, and a full-time annoying occupation.
"Finally, the Second Great Shinobi War ended with the huge help of our Sandaime Hokage and the Three Sannin, and we have been living in peace for three years."
Inwardly, I sigh, eyes not straining from the female ninja in front of the class. Next to me, Kakashi has long given up on paying attention, and has chosen to nap on top of his crossed arms. Hitomi-sensei has never said anything about him, but Heaven forbid any other clanless kid does that. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Obito sitting next to Rin, struggling to not fall asleep while she keeps on nudging him every so often.
In a small act of mercy from the Heavens, the bell for lunch rings, and I take my time in putting my things away before nudging Kakashi awake, who trails lazily after me to our favorite spot under the biggest tree. I take no time in sitting down and opening my lunch, which grows steadily in size with each passing year. People have long stopped being surprised about the three-person meal I bring everyday plus small snacks to nibble on throughout the day.
"I heard your dad went to another mission." I begin, munching on some rice while my silver haired friend makes himself comfortable and leans against the tree, no doubt planning on sleeping some more. I refused to feel bad about preventing him from graduating at age five.
"Yeah. He left yesterday." Sensing he's even less up for a talk than usual, I let the conversation end there, grabbing another portion of rice with my chopsticks and eating it with my favorite side dish, ume. Almost hesitantly, I feel Rin's chakra approaching us, but feign ignorance until she's standing right next to me, clutching her lunch box to her chest. Smiling shyly at me, she glances at Kakashi before blushing and turning her gaze back to me.
'So her crush begins this early, huh.'
Unsurprising, since Obito had had a crush on her since the beginning of the academy as well. I let myself smile easily at her, showing an honest curiosity.
"Hi, Rin." She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, the action making her purple markings seem more prominent. I'd have to ask her sometime if it was genetic, even though she's an orphan.
"Hi, Chiyuki-chan. Do you mind if we eat lunch together?" Instead of answering, I make a show of scooting further away from Kakashi and patting the empty space next to me. The boy opens one one and looks annoyedly at me, but I ignore it.
Carefully, she sits next to me, the slight smell of lavender reaching my nose. I smile encouragingly at her, telling her to not mind Kakashi and make herself comfortable. Said boy huffs and turns his back on both of us. I ignore him again.
'Obito has such good taste, seriously.'
"I've heard some very interesting rumors about you, Rin-chan." I smirk at her, watching in amusement as she squeaks and turns red, immediately asking me what kind of rumors and who had told me.
'Seriously. Such. Good. Taste.'
"Oh, it's nothing serious, don't worry, but a little green bird told me the medic-nin who taught us last week saw your potential and offered you an apprenticeship." I nudge her lightly, and she sighs softly while fiddling with her hands, lunch forgotten in her lap.
"Chiyuki-chan, how come you know everything? Wait, don't answer that." I laugh, relishing in the exasperatedly fond gaze she directs at me.
Nohara Rin is, by far, the person whom I get along with the best in the academy, with the exception of Kakashi. She's a very sweet and kind girl, soft spoken but fierce when the situation calls for it. I suspect that if (when) she ends up on Minato's team, she'll only get braver and fiercer.
I can't wait for it, to be honest.
(Did I have a crush on her? Maybe. But that's a secret not even Kakashi knows, and I intend to keep it that way.)
"Isn't she a Hyuga?" I continue, popping an egg roll into my mouth and relishing in the way it melts as I chew. "That's fancy."
She shakes her head, brown locks swaying with the movement. "She is, but it's not that much of a big deal..."
I tut at her just as an Aburame boy in our class catches my gaze. I raise my left hand in a greeting, and he nods at me.
'Connections, connections. Always good to be friends with an Aburame.' I muse idly to myself. Renji is an Aburame through and through, wearing sunglasses even at age six. Even though he wasn't shown in canon, I had learnt that I wouldn't always get to know all canon characters, nor do I needed to. Here, it's much easier to remember there are many more people than what the anime had shown me – people who have their own dreams and families and friends and goals to achieve.
"It is a huge deal, Rin. A Hyuga medic-nin deemed your chakra control and intelligence good enough to offer you an apprenticeship on your second year at the academy. Learn to give yourself more credit, girl." Rin blushes, looking down bashfully and nodding.
"Nevermind me, though! How's your taijutsu training going?" I shrug, making a so-so gesture with my right hand.
"It's alright. Mother says I've improved a lot since last year, but I don't really see it. " I sigh, not bothering to hide my pout.
She sympathetically pats my back, and I can feel the gesture is sincere.
"Don't worry," she starts, "I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. It's you, after all."
"You'd better hurry up and eat your lunch." Kakashi mumbles, keeping an eye on a flapping Obito in the distance. "Sensei said we would spar in the afternoon."
I groan, shoving more food into my mouth. Next to me, Rin giggles again.
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One huge disadvantage I would have for the rest of my life would be the drawbacks my previous knowledge brought me. Sure, I knew many things that were going to happen in the Narutoverse, not to mention other non-entertainment relates stuff, but that knowledge took a toll on my brain, and as such I needed around three times as much sugar to feed my brain and keep myself headache-less. It wasn't always easy.
Kakashi feints a punch, only to grab my shoulder and flip me. I fall to the ground with a small 'oof', rolling out of the way of a kick just in time. Getting up, I tense my legs and spring up at him, hitting him with a series of quick punches and strikes. He falls back a couple of steps and I take the opportunity to strike him one last time in the chest with the side of my palm in a move so carefully enhanced with just enough chakra for him to lose his breath and fall on his back. Panting, I offer a hand to my equally breathless friend, which he takes.
The thing about having horrible stamina is that I always needed to finish my battles as quickly as possible, or else I'd use up all the energy meant for my brain and lose the fight because I felt dizzy and nauseous. It's a lot worse than it seems, I promise.
"Stamina doesn't seem to be such a big problem for you anymore." My silver haired friend huffs, briefly looking around before lowering his mask and taking huge gulps of water from his bottle. I snort, accepting the bottle after he's finished and drinking the rest of it.
"Mother's been making sure I make up for my lack of stamina by focusing on my speed and strength." That, and knowing just how much chakra to use in your muscles at any given time was a blessing. It almost made up for my ridiculous stamina.
Almost.
"You've been out of it since yesterday morning." I hum at him after a while, not really wanting to approach the subject. He shrugs, not wanting to make a big deal out of it.
"It's nothing." I narrow my eyes, wiping the sweat off my forehead and all but stomping towards him, intent on seeing through him. I was usually very patient with Kakashi, never wanting to push him, but I couldn't let this go. Not when I knew what it was about.
"Kakashi." We glare at each other for a few minutes, the moment tense with two stubborn personalities clashing. Then, he sighs, frustrated, and sits on the soft grass. I follow his movements, double-checking the area to make sure no one would listen in.
He hesitates before speaking, not looking me in the eyes. "The old man came back from his mission yesterday. Something happened."
I nod, narrowing my eyes. I had guessed as much. I make a vague gesture for him to continue but he merely shrugs. He obviously doesn't want to talk about it, but if it's affecting him this much it only makes me more certain that Sakumo came back from that dreaded mission. It hadn't been too much of a hush-hush mission, which makes me believe he didn't go as ANBU, but as a jonin. A team leader, most likely.
Kakashi remains silent, and I figure I've pushed him enough. Sighing heavily, I take the small solid iron ball out of my hoodie's kangaroo pocket and absent-mindedly channel chakra into it, effectively turning it into a nicely shaped star. It's become both a habit and a nervous tick to feel the weight of the metal object in my hands and mold it with chakra, and I thoughtlessly push a little more chakra into it, enough to shape it into a small cat.
'It wasn't an extremely secret mission, but it was probably a B or A ranked one. I know Sakumo-oji chose his teammates over the mission's success, but what was it about?'
Mulling over the possibilities, I keep channeling chakra in and out of my little iron ball, barely even noticing the way nature quickly absorbs the unused chakra. Above us, a couple of crows fly away from the trees, heading north. Distinctly, the sound they make remind me of 'aho*' and I snort.
"What?" The boy next to me asks, keeping an eye on the kunai he was sharpening. I huff amusedly, shaking my head.
"Nothing. The crows were just calling me an idiot." Kakashi regards me silently for a few seconds before deciding he doesn't want to know and going back to his kunai. We go back to the comfortable silence that's common between us, and I take notice of all the sounds and stimuli that come to me: the leaves rustling with the breeze, the nearly-silent deep and full sound the iron ball makes, the kunai sharpener vacillating against the weapon, the bustling of the village in the distance.
'It doesn't matter what their mission was. What matters is that Sakumo made a decision, and back in canon he paid dearly for it – consequently, Kakashi did too. He was ostracized by his own peers, rejected by the village he holds so dearly, betrayed by the leader that was supposed to take care of it, despite the outcome of the mission.'
The cute cat statue in my hands shivers and turns into a ripped-off version of a starfish. Smiling bitterly, I will the sudden chakra I'd put in the ball to fade back into nature chakra, and the iron object in my hands slowly turns back to its round shape.
'Calm down, Sarutobi. There's no use in thinking about it like this. Sakumo is alive. Not particularly okay, but alive nonetheless. How can you make sure it stays that way?'
I throw the ball to my right hand, then to my left again. This time, the left one charges chakra, turning it into a cube, and the right one turns it back into a ball. I switch the object to my right hand, molding it into a cube once again and letting the chakra fade with my left one.
'Rather, can I even prevent him from killing himself? Maybe. Hopefully. If it's a B+ ranked mission, only jonin and above are supposed to know about it, but ANBU are worse than housewives when it comes to gossip. Was the rumor treadmill responsible for it? Has Sakumo even considered going to therapy? What even is my father doing about this? Isn't Sakumo-oji supposed to be his friend?'
The grey object hums for a couple of seconds before I turn it into a ball for the last time. My goal clear in my mind, I get up from my spot underneath the tree, Kakashi not even looking at me.
"Where are you going?" He asks, and I take one second to be thankful he can't see my face. If he did, he'd suspect of something and would want to tag along to make sure I don't get in trouble, and that I just could not allow. Not when I was starting to have the plan so carefully laid out in my head.
"I'm going to practice hokageship." I turn around before he can say anything, walking with purposefully long and confident strikes to my target. On my way, people greet me back and forth, some smiles more forced than others. My stomach rumbles, but instead of showing any reaction, I keep my face relaxed, smiling and waving at everyone I can recognize in the slightest.
Here, in the heart of Konoha, where most shops are located and where there are civilians and shinobi strolling around, it's easy to get overwhelmed if you have any tracking ability. Since last year, mother had begun to train my attention span, often overwhelming me with tasks and stimuli and asking for one small specific bit of information. The thing about tracking people using the chakra remaining in iron particles was a bust, but at least my brothers and I had gotten a full month of sensor techniques and how to track people through our senses. It had been very messy and it had involved blindfolds, scent inhibitors, and a very amused Aunt Hiyori, but at least my sensor skills were just above average. It was enough, for now.
I arrive in the tower in the span of one minute and forty two seconds, only shinobi training preventing me from being breathless and frazzled. My legs start the all-too-familiar trek to my father's office, and my skin crawls with the amount of ANBU here. It's like when you glimpse a spider, grab your slippers to kill it, and when you look for it again, it's disappeared. You know it's there, but you can't find it and the sensation is the most godawful thing ever.
"Hime." As soon as I round the corner, I see Sasakibe-oji sitting on his desk, organizing papers and making my dad's life that much easier. I smile at him, bowing slightly, an action he mimics.
"Sasakibe-oji. Is my father available?" The middle-aged man gives me a knowing smile before nodding and gesturing for me to go ahead.
"Yes, he is. I'm afraid he'll have to leave in a few minutes for a meeting with the clan heads, though." Well, I had guessed as much.
I thank him, bowing one last time before knocking on the office's door and entering after hearing his voice telling me to come in. I open and close the door quickly, goosebumps crawling on my skin as soon as I do. Inside the office, the missing-spider sensation is that much stronger, and I have absolutely no doubt there are at least five ANBU guarding my dad. The fact is both good and bad.
Good; because it meant high-ranked shinobi would listen in and be aware of Sakumo's well-being – or lack thereof. Bad; because not knowing exactly where people were was something completely foreign to me and made my skin crawl in very unpleasant ways. Even though it would not be good for my plans, I vowed to make this as quick as possible.
"Chiyuki." My father's deep voice greets me warmly before he's soon lost in the sea of paperwork on his desk. I breathe in deeply, calming myself down. It wouldn't do me any good to panic and blurt out all the wrong things. "Did you want something?"
I nod, making sure to keep my body relaxed and neutral, in an universal "I'm comfortable in this situation" body language.
"Yes, father. It's about Sakumo-oji." Hiruzen pauses briefly in his signing, glancing at me before going back to it as if nothing happened.
He hums. "What about him?"
I sigh quietly.
'So he's not going to make this any easier, huh. Very well.'
I square up my shoulders, keeping an intent look on Hiruzen's face even though he's focused on his work. " Kakashi told me he's not been himself ever since he came back from his mission."
For a few seconds, I let the sentence hang in the air, hoping my father would catch the hint. Even if I had pushed him, Kakashi wouldn't have told me anything if he didn't genuinely worry about it. Finally, the hokage puts his pen down, intertwining his long, thin fingers and resting his chin on them. His full attention gives me the courage to finish my thoughts, and I make sure my voice rings out clearly.
"If something went wrong, shouldn't Sakumo-oji be at therapy or looking for help?" I let all my worry show, praying my dad would see the indirect meaning and not get angry about it.
'If something went wrong, shouldn't the village – you – be doing something about it?'
The hokage regards me in silence for a few seconds, his face betraying nothing. Before I can get nervous, I breathe in and out consciously, feeling the way the air goes through my nose, then back out. The urge to grab the iron ball hidden in my overalls is getting stronger by the second, but by the fourth inhale, my father sighs heavily.
"I understand you're worried about him, Chiyuki, but Sakumo is a grown man and a full-fledged shinobi. He has the resources at his disposal, and he'll look for them if he wants to."
'The village has already done its job. The rest is up to him.'
A spark of annoyance blooms inside my chest, but I squash it down before it can grow further. On the outside, I nod, the effort to keep my face neutral nearly making me scream. The thing about not being able to sense ANBU was quickly adding to my already poor nerves.
"I understand, father. However, with all due respect, isn't it the village's job to assure our shinobi that they'll have something to fall back on?"
It's the first time I defy my father. In his own office and in front of his subordinates, no less.
The realization does not make me proud, or anxious, or afraid.
'It's okay. The worst he can do is say you're wrong and dismiss you.'
It's with this odd feeling of calm that I receive his next words.
"It is. And that has been done. You're dismissed, Chiyuki."
Disappointment fills me up just as quickly as resentment does.
'Is that it? Are you going to do nothing about it? About your friend?'
In front of me, my father – no, the hokage – regards me with that same neutral look. His hokage mask. I breathe out softly, bowing slightly before exiting his office silently, a heavy cloud of gloom hanging over me. I barely even remember to say bye to Sasakibe-oji.
'Great. So he's obviously not gonna do anything. What now? I can tell Kakashi to watch over him but-'
As I walk with heavy steps away from that dreaded office and the ANBU, cold resignation slowly washes over me. Telling Kakashi wouldn't change a thing. Getting father to help was a far shot. What was I thinking?
'You have achieved nothing. What you did there was throw a tantrum and show favoritism in front of your hokage and his most powerful subordinates.'
I arrive at the exit sooner than I'd expected, the brightness of the afternoon making me squint my eyes. Usually, the warm weather and sunlight would immediately brighten up my mood, but not today. I resume my walk home, the bitter taste of failure and shame filling up my mouth and remaining there long after eating dinner and dessert.
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Aunt Hiyori puts the finishing touches on my yukata, straightening the fabric and tightening the obi as we both stand in front of our house's only mirror. I look quite nice, all dolled up, and both the sight and the occasion bring a giddy, silly smile to my face.
Wearing pink and frilly things is my guiltiest pleasure Here, and I absolutely love it.
"There you go." Patting my outfit one last time, my aunt stands up to her full height, dressed in a nice blue yukata. It makes her look younger.
"Thank you, Aunt Hiyori." She nods at me, motioning for me to be on my way. Leaning on the doorway, Asuma's waiting for me, wearing a simple dark blue yukata himself. He looks extremely disgruntled, but I haven't heard him complain once since I asked him to go with me to the festival.
"Ready?" He asks, offering me his hand. I take it gladly as I nod up to him, and I can't help but smile bigger.
"Ready." His young face soften and he nods, about to lead me out of the house and onto Konoha's busy, lit up streets, when the hurricane that's known as Tooru suddenly comes barreling inside the house.
"Ah! I can't believe you two were about to go without me!" Our oldest brother doesn't look that tired, but rather disgruntled more than anything else. His messy hair is even messier and his wrinkly clothes betray how much he ran all over the village.
Catching the daimyo's wife's cat was a mission every genin team was going to get at least once.
Asuma, blasé as always, merely shrugs. "We thought you weren't going to be able to make it."
Tooru huffs, running a hand through his hair in an attempt to tame it. It clearly doesn't work, and I giggle. He winks at me.
"Psht, like catching a cat could be that difficult. C'mon, I'll take my two cute siblings to the festival!" His smile looks so hopeful that not even Asuma has anything to say to that. In a silent agreement, none of the siblings mention his disarranged appearance or the fact that he was supposed to report in to mother after a mission. In a true ninja fashion, the three of us sneak off, Tooru holding one hand in each of his.
Every year, the village holds a huge festival to welcome the new year. We take the occasion to thank the Gods for a successful year and to ask for blessings for the new one that's to come, but the atmosphere is jolly and light as if it were any kind of festival. As we get closer to the main street, where all the food stalls are, I take a deep breath. For once, my iron ball is nowhere in sight, instead hidden in Asuma's room.
Today - if only today - , I am not the future hokage, or our current hokage's child. I am not here to make acquaintanceships and allies for my future. I will not watch out for my words and keep an eye out on my surroundings at all times, as the second coming of the Shodaime and as a shinobi.
Today, I am simply Chiyuki. A child like any other.
The thought is exhilarating.
"Alrighty kids, listen up!" Our eldest brother claps his hands once, brown eyes shining in the light of the lanterns. His smile is huge, nearly making him close his eyes from smiling so widely. "I have to meet up with my team for a bit, but I'll be back in time for the fireworks. Don't get separated, don't talk to strangers, don't accept anything from them either, don't go home without me-"
"Tooru-nii." I whine, knowing that he's not really kidding when he says all those instructions. It's like he doesn't realize we're the hokage's kids in the middle of a ninja village. "We know all of that already! I swear, sometimes you're worse than mother!"
Said brother gasps dramatically, hand on his chest. "How dare!"
Next to me, seven year old Asuma huffs and lightly pushes our brother towards the heart of the festival, where we know his teammates are. "Just go already, aniki. We'll see you later."
Tooru-nii still huffs and whines a bit before finally going, and I can't help but let a fond smile cross my face.
'Ah. This is nice. Really, really nice.'
"You look awfully excited today." Asuma comments idly, bumping his shoulder with mine. There are all kinds of smells wafting up to my nose, and my stomach rumbles loudly.
"Does it show that much?" I grin at him cheekily, squeezing his hand before dragging him to the first food stall of the night. "I'm on a mission, Asuma-nii."
"Oh?" My brother spots Kurenai and Gai coming in our direction, and waves at them with his free hand. Then, he turns amused dark eyes to me. "And what's that?"
"I'm going to try every single food in here." He snorts loudly, shaking his head just as his classmates catch up to us. Gai is quick to give me a blinding smile, while Kurenai is more contained in her greeting, but no less honest.
"Hello, my Youthful Friends! A Happy New Year to you!"
'He's even wearing a green yukata', I think amusedly. He strikes a pose, giving us a thumbs up, but no one even bats an eyelash. Asuma and Kurenai are especially used to him by now. Turning striking red eyes to us, the other girl nods, a small smile on her face.
"Happy New Year Asuma, Chiyuki." Her dark, curly hair is pulled up in a loose bun, her bangs framing her face and making her look even more beautiful than usual. Her yukata's color, a mix of white, gray and dark red flowers, fit her really well and made her eyes stand out.
(Did I have a crush on Kurenai as well? Maybe. But I would never tell this to anyone.)
Gai looks around expectantly, but soon turns curious eyes to me. I already know what he's going to ask before he does.
"What of my Youthful Rival? Is he not coming to this Most Beautiful and Exciting Festival?" My brother squeezes my hand oh so softly, and I squeeze it back just as softly.
'I'm okay, niichan.'
"Kakashi's not coming today. He decided to stay at home with his dad." A look of understanding crosses his face, and even Kurenai who isn't in on the loop makes no further comment on it.
It's been a little over five months since Sakumo came back from that dreaded mission, and although I see him once in a blue moon, Kakashi tells me he's less worse. Not better, no; less worse. He doesn't go on as many missions as he used to, and when he does he's often not the team leader. It pissed me off greatly, but I had already said my piece to my father, who refused to listen to anything more regarding that.
My silver haired friend speaks very little about it, as well. He's worried, I know, but it's not in his nature to cry on my shoulder every time I bring up his dad, and I hate pushing him. Sakumo had gone to therapy at some point, but from what I knew he'd stopped going there.
Paranoia makes me stretch out my senses all the way to their house as I will Aunt Hiyori's lessons to come to mind.
'Breathe in, breathe out. There are all kinds of information and stimuli around you. Don't try to ignore them. Simply acknowledge them for what they are. There is no need to process or judge them. Focus on what you are looking for.'
There, at the very limit of my range, I can slightly feel both their chakras signatures, and I nearly sag with both sudden exhaustion and relief.
"I see. We shall enjoy Ourselves for Him as well, then!" I smile genuinely at the green-clad boy, thankful for his outgoing personality. Nodding, I pull on my brother's hand, encouraging the group of children to move further into the festival.
"C'mon guys, I want to try everything before the fireworks." I grin when a challenging glint shines in Gai's eyes, but Asuma quickly puts a hand on his shoulder before he can do anything.
"Don't. There's no way you'll win." At his deadpan look, all of us burst out laughing.
'If only we could be content like this everyday...'
So long as I have food to munch on, I'm happy to let Gai set the pace of our little group as he goes from booth to booth trying out all the games. At some point, he even manages to convince my brother to see who can catch the most goldfish – and what's even more surprising is that Asuma wins, which makes Gai go on and on about his Springtime of Youth.
Two very familiar chakras make their way over to us, and I turn around, mouth full of takoyaki, to greet Rin and Obito. The boy's nearly shining, the dork.
"Ah, it's you guys! We were wondering who was being so loud!" Rin sighs, shaking her head at the dark-haired boy.
"Obito-kun, you were being just as loud not only five minutes ago." Said boy blushes and sputters, and looking at him now, happy and smiling, makes it hard for me to imagine he could cause Konoha so much trouble later on.
'But that's not going to happen.'
"I-I just got a little excited!" She giggles cutely, and the boy looks absolutely smitten.
'Scratch that. It's not that hard to believe he's basically going to start a war because of her.'
"Youthful Friends! I challenge you to that game!" Gai suddenly exclaims, pointing excitedly at a shooting booth. On the front, many plastic guns were all but becoming unsuspecting victims to spend all their money to win one of the prizes, which ranged from festival masks and candy to big animal plushies. Obito's eyes shone, while Asuma just cringed.
"Ooh, you're on!" My poor brother doesn't even get to say his piece as he's suddenly dragged off to the booth, leaving me with the girls. I look down, having long finished my takoyaki.
"Fried squid, Chiyuki?" Kurenai looks at me knowingly, and we all glance to a nearby booth that sells fried squid, one of the many delicacies I'd learnt to appreciate Here. My mouth waters.
"Yes." I link my arms with the girls', and they humour me as we head over to the food. On the way, we pass by many people; and for better or for worse, I'm well acquainted with many of them. Idly, I notice this time the girls are dragging me around as I munch on my treat, absentmindedly noting they're talking about snagging the best spot to watch the fireworks.
That Hyuga lady was a medic-nin and also Rin's teacher. Minato and Kushina passed us by as well, the blonde carrying many kinds of prizes and food while being dragged around by his girlfriend. The Uchiha clan's head, Fugaku, and his wife Mikoto. The Ino-Shika-Cho trio. Sasakibe-oji and his family. Michimiya Haru and her siblings, a well-known and rich merchant family that'd begun their trades sometime during the last ten years. Satoru Mina, as well.
Today, however, I don't make small talk with any of them.
'Let's not ruin this nice night by having to play politics, Sarutobi.'
Just as the girls finally settle on a nice spot near the Naka River, where there aren't many people, the boys manage to meet back with us, holding their prizes like trophies. Well, except for my brother. The boy looks ready to fall on a bed and sleep for a week.
"Hey hey, look at how much we got!" In Obito's arms sit a random assortment of items, amongst them a black mask he hands to me.
"Here, this is for you!"
Before anyone can get offended on my behalf, I throw my head back and laugh loudly, even attracting the attention of nearby people. I clutch a caramel apple in one hand and the mask in the other, and if I hold it right under the moonlight it glows eerily, the smile painted on it looking even creepier.
The mask he's given me is slightly too big for my face, painted in dark colors that fit oddly well together. There are two holes for the eyes plus a third one on the forehead, where a knowing, wide and red eye is painted. The snot of the dragon is eye-catching, especially when it was placed so knowingly above sharp teeth. To complete the picture, two horns can be seen at the top of the mask, making it seem even bigger than it already was. It looked more like a demon than a dragon, but I supposed that was the purpose of the whole thing.
"Thanks, Obito." I snort, handing it to Asuma. Wordlessly, he sighs and kneels so he can attach it to my obi. The accessory looks obviously out of place and it contrasts greatly against my yukata's flowery pattern, but I don't mind it the slightest. Looking back at my friends, only I have noticed the irony of it all, the Uchiha boy looking adorably confused.
"Wait, you actually like it?" He asks, baffled, and Rin looks ready to scold him. I nod.
"Yep. I can wear it when I'm a badass ninja; I wouldn't want people to easily recognize me, after all." I grin at him, satisfied when realization brightens his eyes and makes him point one finger at me.
"Ah!" Whatever he's going to say next, however, is lot between the loud sounds of the fireworks, bright and big and beautiful in the night sky.
'This isn't such a bad idea.' I muse, sliding closer to Rin, much to Obito's chagrin. 'A dragon mask... how oddly fitting.'
I erase all thoughts from my mind, leaning my head on Rin's small shoulder and letting myself enjoy the fireworks. Tonight, there are no plans, no politics, and especially no masks to be worn when I inevitably dirty my hands for this village's sake. Behind me, I can hear Tooru and his teammates finally joining us for the display and, against common sense, I blank out on the real world for a few moments, just enough for me to stretch and stretch my senses some more. To my pleasant surprise, Kakashi and Sakumo are somewhere around the Hokages' Monument, probably watching the show as well. The thought makes me sigh happily and smile.
'Life is good.'
.
.
'Life sucks.'
Is my first thought that afternoon, when I try to sense Sakumo-oji's chakra as usual, and can't find it.
'Don't panic.' I chant to myself like a mantra, hoping and praying to any god out there for me to be wrong, for once in my life.
'He's got to be here. Maybe he's just out of my sensoring range. It wouldn't be impossible. Far from it, actually.''
It made sense. Even if I had gotten better at sensing and tracking down Sakumo's chakra had become a habit, I was still far from being called a sensor type shinobi. I know, however, that he hasn't been sent on a mission lately, and not being able to sense him, even in the heart of the village, makes my stomach curl in an extremely uncomfortable way. I furrow my eyebrows, ignoring completely our chunin sensei, who's taking great care in explaining the fundamentals of simple jutsu like replacement and clone.
My heart starts to beat faster inside my chest. Next to me, Kakashi sits oblivious to the entire world, barely paying attention to what's going on. I keep my face carefully neutral.
'Breathe. It's okay. Maybe he's suppressing it. Yes. That's it. He's ANBU, isn't he? ANBU are great at that.'
To my chagrin, almost a year has passed since that failed meeting with my dad, and I still haven't been able to find a way to sense someone who's suppressing their chakra. Mother had said it would be nearly impossible to do it with an experienced ninja, but I'm on my way to being a metal bender in a world where people breathe out fire on a daily basis. There is no such thing as impossible.
'Why would he suppress his chakra? Maybe someone is chasing him? Or perhaps he just doesn't want to be found.'
There's something icy and unpleasant running through my lungs. Sensing has nothing to do with it, nor does being sent out on missions or not. Mother had given me enough lessons about your gut feeling for me to not take it seriously. I breathe out through my nose and raise a hand. This year's sensei, a bright and polite young man called Arata, pauses in his explanation to give me a curious look.
"Yes, Chiyuki-kun*?" I lower my arm, making sure my chakra is as stable as possible and that my face betrays nothing. If Kakashi notices anything amiss, he doesn't mention it.
"Arata-sensei, may I go to the toilet?" He nods, gesturing at the door.
"Of course. Go on." I quickly slip away from the classroom and close the door quietly, shunshing my way to the toilet.
Then, and only then, I let the mask break.
It's like all the energy is sucked out from me as I grip the edges of the sink, my knuckles quickly turning white. Absentmindedly, I note I'm panting, and when I look up in the mirror, a somehow paler expression stares right back at me, wide-eyed and desperate.
I turn the tap on with ninja speed, splashing cold water on my face again and again. I'm starting to feel nauseous.
'Breathe. Calm down.'
I hastily take my iron ball out of my hoodie's pocket, the familiar motion of molding it into random shapes slowly calming me down. A few seconds pass (seconds? Minutes? It somehow feels like hours) before breathing is easier. I still feel nauseous, though.
'Why? Why did he do it?'
The tears start before I can notice them coming. I haven't cried since I was five.
'Why?!'
Cold rage washes over me. Furious chocolate brown eyes stare right back at me, my pale face suddenly red from the anger and frustration. I desperately want to hit something, and only the metal object in my hand, steadily sucking up my chakra, prevents me from doing it.
'I thought- I thought he was getting better. I thought-'
I breathe out slowly, the urge to vomit stronger by the second.
'We were even joking about Kakashi and I ending up on the same team last week. He was better. He even ate seconds.'
It doesn't add up. It makes no sense. Sakumo-oji was supposed to be better. He was supposed to survive and see Kakashi become an excellent shinobi, he was supposed to-
The metal ball falls from my hands, echoing in the empty toilet and bouncing against the tiles.
'That's... not quite right. Sakumo wasn't supposed to live. He was supposed to die. And it happened, you just delayed it.'
Bitter, sour defeat makes me frown and brings a foul taste to my mouth. The nausea has gotten stronger now. If I don't move, I'll throw up on the floor.
Yet, I can only fall to my knees, not even noticing when the grey object slides back to me, attracted by my familiar chakra. My hands tremble tremendously, pain and anger and frustration and sadness making the tears fall faster, until a sob breaks out. It makes me startle, and I wonder if I really was the one that just did it.
"Chiyuki." Outside, far, far away, Kakashi's voice calls me. "You've been there for thirty minutes."
'Has it already been that long?' I think, swallowing back the nausea. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
Kakashi.
"Chiyuki?" He's starting to sound more worried. I can even see his small face frowning, in the exact same way his father does-
Did.
Out of stubborness and desperation, I tune out the world. My eyes fall shut despite the tears steadily falling down, the nausea suddenly gone, and all noise stops. I stretch out my chakra further and further away, longer than I ever had. I reach the village gates, the outposts, the shinobi on their way back. I can sense ANBU – not in the way I would usually sense someone, but in that missing-spider way. I can sense people bustling about, going on with their lives, and yet-
-yet-
It's like Sakumo has vanished.
A young copy of him stares worriedly at me, small but firm hands gripping my shoulders. Belatedly, I take in a huge gulp of air, not really noticing how the lack of it had made me faint.
'Oh, Kakashi.'
"What? Chiyuki, what the hell happened?" He demands, voice cracking from the sheer novelty of the situation. It briefly occurs to me that he's never seen me break like this - not even close.
I sob harder.
In a way that should have been awkward but is anything but that, he gathers me in his arms ( 'you silly boy, I'm still taller than you' ) and holds me tightly, letting me cry and sob and clutch at his clothes. At some point, I feel very familiar chakra signatures approaching us, some more hesitant than others, but none of them are able to pry my hands away from Kakashi, not even when they inevitably tell him the news.
They don't manage to pry his hands from my clothes either.
.
.
Death in this world is a bizarre thing, at least to me. It's a surreal thing, almost like an urban legend – you know that shinobi die all the time and that they are only expected to live up until their 40's, if they're really lucky or strong. You knew of people who had died, like your neighbor's child, or your cousin's friend, but it never happened to anyone so close to you.
Much less from suicide.
Thankfully, Sakumo's funeral was a very small thing, and only a handful of people attended, my immediate family amongst them. It was a short occasion, and my father only spoke briefly. A very good thing, since at the moment I could barely stay to be in the same room as him.
Kakashi and I had remained glued to the hip since yesterday, when I first noticed his father's missing chakra signature. I had a feeling that he would have preferred to be alone, to grieve and mourn in peace, but I couldn't do that. Everything was still too raw, too fresh for me to able to let him go, no matter how selfish that made me. Not only that, but whenever I refused to let go of his hand, even during the funeral, not once did he complain or try to pull away.
I didn't know whether that was supposed to make me feel better or worse.
Standing in the middle of my room, it feels too big and too small at once. Next to my futon lay Kakashi's, dark blue in contrast to my pink one. Here, in my small sanctuary, it almost felt like he was a intruder; here, where all my notebooks, scrolls, books – all my thoughts, memories, speculations, notes – are, it nearly feels as if he's not supposed to be here.
Yet, I wouldn't allow him to be anywhere else at the moment. Apparently, neither did Sakumo, because that had been one of the first things he had made clear on his testament. As his dying wish, his son was to be taken in by the Sarutobi until he graduated from the academy, when he would be able to live and provide by himself. While that didn't happen, Sakumo had wanted his son to stay with us, behave, put his comrades above missions and serve me well when the time came.
Even though it hurt, I didn't quite know how to feel about it, but I couldn't even begin to imagine what Kakashi was going through.
His father had just killed himself. Because of peer pressure.
Konoha killed him.
The village that I vowed to love and protect, the same village Kakashi had agreed to help protect, had killed his own dad.
Using strength in me I didn't know I had, I force myself to look into my friend's eyes since yesterday. Instead of gazing back at me, he's staring into nothing, eyes fixated on his futon next to mine.
"Kakashi." I rasp out, my throat sore. I ignore it and wait patiently for him to blink once, then twice. After that, he finally stares back at me, and it takes everything in me to not flinch.
"Kakashi." I repeat. The words won't come out.
I'm sorry, Kakashi.
I'm sorry your father died.
I'm sorry you have to stay with me.
I'm sorry I thought I could save him.
I'm sorry I couldn't do more.
I'm sorry our own village took your dad's life.
Repeatedly, I open my mouth like a gaping fish, but no sound comes out.
"Why do you feel guilty?"His voice sounds normal, yet it doesn't. It's like someone took his soul out of his body and put another one in it. The voice is Kakashi's, but the one talking isn't him. It breaks my heart all over again.
'I did that. The hokage did that. The village did that.'
'The village. The village. What village? What kind of village? What kind of people?'
"Because I am." I whisper. Kakashi-not-Kakashi blinks, confused. It takes me a few more tries until I can get the right words out. "The village drove your dad to do it, Kakashi."
'Surely not very good people.'
He shakes his head, disagreeing softly with me. "No."
I feel like ripping my hair out in the face of my blank friend.
'The village did it.'
"Yes, Kakashi, that was what happened. Your dad - a year ago, he made a choice. He chose to save his teammates instead of completing his mission." Infuriatingly, the boy nods.
"Yes. That's where he went wrong." I desperately shake my head, my eyes stinging with an incoming onslaught of fresh tears. I blink it all back.
'Is this what you thrive to protect? People who put orders above lives?'
"No, no, no, Kakashi! He made the correct choice!" If he were in his normal state of mind, the silver haired boy would have scoffed and be ready to argue with me about the right conduct of a shinobi. Not this Kakashi, though.
"No. That was the wrong choice."
I grip his shoulders, shaking him roughly. "No, Kakashi! All of our lives we hear about the Will of Fire and comradeship and- and that's why we're sent out on teams of four in the first place! Because we – Konoha – are supposed to value our people more than the missions! Yet, that wasn't what happened! This village valued your dad's mission more than our ninja, and he paid the price!"
He blinks again, eyes half-lidded and unfocused. I doubt he's paying a lot of attention.
"Kakashi," I repeat, not letting go of him, "what's happening to you? How can you still think of serving this village when it was the one that took your dad's life?"
'How can you still think of serving me ?'
The slap comes and goes before either of us has noticed my mother coming in the room, furious and red-faced.
"You insolent child." She hisses, eyes narrowed into furious slits. I slowly turn my head to look at her, left cheek stinging, and catch Kakashi's surprised eyes in the movement.
'Oh, so now you're paying attention.'
It's the first time either of my parents has hit me, and it comes from my mother, no less. I should be feeling betrayed, or sorry. Alas, all I can feel is disappointment – in myself, my father, my village, its people.
I don't resent my mother, no. If I were her, I'd be furious as well. She spent all her life serving the village – first as a ninja, then as the hokage's wife and a member of the council. To hear your own child say something like that was unthinkable in her head.
But I am not, and in my mind, all I can think of when I think back on Hatake Sakumo's death is 'this is wrong.'
She harshly grabs the back of my overalls and shoves me in front of the shocked boy, forcing me into a bow. I don't resist it.
"Apologize right now."
I see his bare feet hesitating, taking one tiny step back. I think up of all the times that I thought I could save his dad, all the times I'd thought he was going to live long enough to see his son grow into a fine man and shinobi. I see the villagers, shinobi and civilians alike, living happily despite being murderers. All the apologies I had meant to say not one minute earlier.
"I'm sorry, Kakashi." I feel the pressure easing up on my back, and I straighten up, making sure to look at my new roomate with the most sincere and open eyes I can manage.
Wordlessly, I exit my own room, feet silently paddling on the floor all the way to our house's storage room, where the hokage keeps all his scrolls and weapons. Tooru had spent some time here, a few years ago, as mother usually sent him here whenever he did something she didn't approve. Here, in the dark, it smells like ash and sweat, oil and dirt, ink and old paper, and the combination isn't a pleasant one. I don't bother to wonder who activated the seal so I could enter the room.
In my mind, there's too much and too little at once.
Soundlessly, I kneel in the middle of the room, not bothering to turn the light on.
.
.
Edit 18/02/2022: I know Chiyuki might sound annoying sometimes, but 1. she's a drama queen, let her be; and 2. I wrote this chapter four years ago, and i'm too lazy to edit it now. give me a fucking break.
Constructive criticism is more than welcome, but if you're gonna be an asshole about it, then just don't bother.
If you could choose one Naruto character to remain loyal to you no matter what you did (disregarding how you two met and which side they would be on), who would it be and why?
Notes:
Eyy don't kill me! Even though we still one more chapter of drama and mourning (plus a not so nice adventure), things will start to look up as soon as they graduate!
I think.
*Small glossary of Japanese terms:
- Aho means idiot. If you try hard enough, you'll notice that the sound crows make is very similar to the word.
- The suffix '-kun' is usually reserved for boys, but it can be used with girls as well to talk in a more respectful, distant manner.
In case you're curious, the mask Chiyuki got from Obito looks similar to this one: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/e0/64/3fe064ed3cfd6966241d0922508f2ec1.jpg