Why me?

New post in "Introverts Lifeguide" from the owner "The extrovert introvert":

[ Do you know what? I lie a lot..

To you less ..To myself more.. To everyone else a lot more..

I love it when someone defends me, but hate it even more that I am not capable of defending myself..

Let's make a promise. One day, even if not an extrovert, we will still become individuals who speech out their minds.. 

#action #talking #advice #quite #introvert 2025/06/19 ]

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I am not in a state were I can receive reassurance, since now I am responsible for someone else's life too. Therefore, for the first time in 14 years that I had the blog, the comments disabling feature was used.

A blog where people slowly but exponentially started to gather. Where I felt like I could talk with like minded people. People who really understood. Individuals who would not criticize me for who I am.. for complaining.. for not being perfect..

People who are not expecting me to be perfect. Anonyms only seeking mutual understanding. Something that couldn't be find in the real world..

My small comfortable world. Where I could be the little weird me who could see things and not be called a disappointment.. Where I was allowed to be selfish.. Where I could give all the explanations I never got the opportunity to give.. Where I was for once told not to care.

I lay down on my back, looking at my phone again. Usually I would only post once a day but thinking about the incidents of the day, my fingers started typing automatically..

click click..

[ Why me?..

I was always the most considerate!

Why should I always be considerate of others?

Why can't they for once be the ones to consider my feelings?

Why am I always asked to consider others feelings?

#why?]

[click!] And sent.

I closed my eyes without being able to sleep.. Tonight I was said I should consider others feelings. That I was a selfish person who loved no one but myself. I wasn't even asked why I was there, I wasn't asked why my head is bandaged, I wasn't asked about my studies and I wasn't introduced to their, new, in laws as a family member. 

When I saw Diana and Theodore I said my condolence only to get introduced by Theodore as a school friend and for my syster to get introduced to me as his fiance.

I don't think I will ever forget, Diana's golden eyes burning with hate and Divine's similar colored eyes with coldness. What had I even done to deserve this?

Non of my family members present showed any sign of familiarity as I met them on my way out. I was only called out, in the middle of the night, to get slapped and called a heartless selfish person by my father while getting cold glares from my mother. To get my things thrown to my face and to get additional bagages to deliver to my new address.

Talk of additional luggage, I got one at the funeral too. Luckily he wasn't the one casting hateful glares. Not even the mischievous one who wanted to call me "aunt", or the one prone to throwing up. It was the bold one with eye color similar to the divine ones. However unlike them his eyes were as clear and bright as a morning dawn.

Looking at my empty ringfinger another event came to mind. Tonight, I was also called unworthy of being loved and deserving of the hate I received.

When I finally placed the shattered glass of my heart on the driver sit and rode to Eun-Woo's house, he gave me yet another smash. 

"What is with your face? Did you except your syster to thank you for cheating on her with her fiance? or did you except Divine to give you reward for being in contact with Theodore all these years?" he took a hammer and started smashing everything there was left with a cold piercing tone.

He had been so good today, I almost thought of him as the childhood friend whom I once was close to. During these 8-9 years I had become quite accustomed with this version of him, bombarding hurtful remarks, every time the opportunity raised or he was in a bad mood.

 Usually I would have just listened. Thinking of it as a punishment for ruining what he loved, for piano. However in presens of the TEENAGER I was supposed to teach how to be a decent human being, it was just too embarrassing to bear.

"I'm riding!! Could you please stop it?" I tried to prevent him from ruining my image any further with a desperate voice.

"If you don't want to listen it is never late to get out of my car and get lost!", he said in a in a coldly and indifferently.

We were already at his gate. So I just parked in front of his house. Then turned my head to him and placed his keys on the dashboard in front of him.

"Can he stay the night? As you could see there were no room in my apart-.."

"-No, I can't share my house with a stranger!" He cut my word, as he firmly denied.

"And leave the ring.. I just got it cause there was no way they wouldn't become suspicious. As you may already know, I am pursuing someone else, so I really hope you didn't misunderstood it, thinking I got it for you..Or thinking that I still have feelings for you. I will get us another appointment and call you! " He added looking at the ring I was still wearing and said in cold voice.

Of course, I knew. Who in the entire hospital didn't know how crazy he was about her. An outgoing and kind person with a warm personality. Apparently also a childhood-friend as well as his father's business partners daughter. 

Blip, Blip..Blip..

"What are you doing?", he said seeing I was indifferent to his words, on my phone.

I turned my head to him again, showing my phone. I was looking where the cab I had called was. It would arrive in 2 minutes. 

"Isn't the dorm just 15 minutes away from here?" he asked looking my way frowning.

"Lucas get off. Were the bagages yours?" I called to Lucas and ignored his question. I wasn't in the mood to entertain him anymore. It was really unfair that I couldn't hate him. Damn that evil fairy.

Pressing the trunk button, I took off the ring and put it besides the keys. Then got off the car and opened the trunk. Lucas who was already beside me took out one of the baggage. I took out the other one.

"Is this everything? " I asked him, with a confused frown.

"Yea." Lucas said unfazed.

Our cab arrived. So showing the digital receipt, I asked the driver to open the trunk. loading the bagages we got on the cab. 

"Could you please take us to Hotel XX?"I asked the driver.

Passing by Eun-woo's car, I saw him still in his sit looking moody. Now, what is with his face? Did he want me to beg him to let Lucas stay? Should I have gone on my knees? Or should I have cried my eyes out since he loved someone else..

Trying to forgot about him, I started explaining things for Lucas. 

"I am moving so my place is a total mess.. Can you stay at the hotel alone?" I asked feeling an strange and unfamiliar feeling. Something a bit awkward, a bit endearing, a bit anguishing, and a bit heavy. 

"Sure." 

Exhale..

His respond made me free the breath I was holding in.

"Umm, we are moving a bit fare away for the sommar, there might not be any markets or other things nearby..Or even phone signal.. I mean think if there is anything you you might need and text me." 

"Are you gonna dispose of me there??"

[Beeb Beeb] the chauffer was so shocked hearing that, he almost went out of line.

And I was so surprised I almost chocked to death.

"Cough, cough.. Sire could you give your attention to your riding??? "

"No! of course not! Why would you even think that?" 

"Then why would you take me somewhere that doesn't even have phone signal??"

"Cause. I. Just. Inhered. it!!!"I spelled each word with force as I looked at him with rounded eyes.

"Wow, so your really poor!" He stated referring to what Melissa had said.

"I got the expression the first time too, but your one direct one aren't you?"

"So what? Do you hate it?" he answered looking at me from corner of his eyes with an aristocratic and indifferent tone.

"No! The exact opposite, I like it!" I said as I got off the car.

As the chauffeur helped us taking out his bagages, I stretched out my hand to him.

"By the way I'm Dawn. Let's get along well."

Instead of his hand he stretchad out his phone. 

"You know my name. Give me your number, I can't text you if I don't have your number!" 

Unfazed, I took his phone and saved my number as "The pretty guardian". Called myself once and stretched his phone back to him. As he was about to take it I fastened my grip. He looked up at me with a brow up.

"I have paid for the stay and food for two days. You can order whatever you want to your room or go to the restaurant. I will probably be back to take you tomorrow night, call me if you need anything." I said looking into his eyes and then loosened my grip. Letting him take his phone back.

After accompanying him to his hotel room. I got a phone call from father, ordering me to come home immediately.. And I, just like the night I run away from home, had that feeling, that fear..

The fear of myself..