Hate this feeling

Nothing gives him that right to stand in front of me and talk about feelings and the past, what the fuck does he know.

I have let him take his anger out on me these last few months, I have let him get his fill from publicly humiliating me every day, I have paid enough for whatever pain he thinks he felt.

A large body steps in front of me and pulls me into an embrace, wrapping its hands around me.

I didn't realize I had started to sob, but now I find it hard to stop, tears and mucus dripping from my eyes and nose, I hold on to him tightly letting that sweet scent comfort me.

We both stand there by the side of the road, his hands around me hugging me close to his chest oblivious to the cars driving by us.

I finally settle down feeling extremely tired, he lifts my face to meet his eyes and begins to wipe the tears with hands. I stay still for once not trying to run away from him. He leads me back towards the school parking lot to his car and I slide quietly into the passengers seat as he holds the door open for me.

He stops the car in front of my house and cuts the engine.

"I'm sorry for making life so hard for you.... I'm sorry I..." I don't let him finish before exiting the car and banging the door shut.

I get inside the house and lock the door making sure he can't follow me in.

I want him, I know I want him so why is it so hard to admit it to him, to look into those brown eyes and smile.

Zachary had been the only constant in my life, the only thing that remained when every other thing fell apart.

I still remember the last conversation we had in that distant past that doesn't belong to me anymore.

That was when I started pushing everyone away, shutting out the world and everything in it.

He had tried to help, tried to understand but I didn't want any of that, I didn't even want him.

"I'm going to be in your life one way or another " he had yelled at me from outside this same closed door.

"Either as a friend or as an enemy but I promise you anna, I'm going to be in your life."

I sigh slumping down on the kitchen floor, atleast he had kept his promise.

What is this sadness I feel? This need for warmth. I fold myself on the cold ground wrapping my slender hands around myself with my chin resting on my knees.

I slowly drift into sleep.

I see a gigantic brown wolf standing in front of my house, its eyes filled with a familiar kind of warmth and pain.

I open the front door and walk towards it stretching out my hand to touch its beautiful fur but it turns away from me and strides into the woods that opened up before it.

I open my eyes and realise I am still on the kitchen floor.

As I pass by the living room window to pick up my bag that I had dropped earlier I see a car parked in front of my house. Isn't that Zacharys car? I question internally.

I check the time on my phone and see that it is past midnight.

"Why the fuck is he still here?" I contemplate ignoring him and just going to sleep but I find it harder to walk away. The night is cold, I can't leave him out there like that.

'Are you ready to tread that road again, the road of feelings and emotions and friendship 'a voice in my head chided

"No" I reply aloud. But even i did not buy that answer. Well fuck it, whether I want to admit it or not I'm already in this so I might as well go all in.

I open the door before I found more reasons to change my mind, the night breeze bites against my exposed flesh as I step into the night.

I see zachary curled up in the drivers seat, eyes closed in slumber.

I knock gently on the window and he opens his eyes, he has always been a light sleeper like me.

He opens the door and steps out looking around him carefully.

"Why are you outside, its late" he asks

"I should be asking you that. What are you doing parked in front of my house, I could call the cops on you" I respond folding my hands on my chest. He ignores my question and walks over to me

"You're going to catch a cold, go inside"

"What about you" I ask stubbornly not moving an inch

"I'll be fine in my car"

"Why are you here is what I mean" I huff arrogantly trying to sound unbothered .

"I just want to make sure you're fine, I won't bother you" he says ignoring my act, he knows it's all an act, he must know.

I turn to leave but my heart tugs me towards him.

"How will you know if I'm fine from out here" I ask trying to still sound unconcerned looking everywhere but at him.

"Come in" I invite and then quickly walk into the house.

I see him smile widely from the corner of my eyes as he follows me inside happily.

I bolt the door locked.

"You can sleep here" I say pointing to the couch.

I know I want him in my bedroom, I want to feel his hands around me...

"Hope you won't kick me out in the morning again" he says playfully.

My face turns red in embarrassment as the events of last Friday play in my head, I turn my face away.

"I have not been able to get it out of my head" he says his eyes dancing with excitement .

"I will kick you out right now if you don't shut up" I say roughly, my voice betraying my true emotions.

"I'm sorry, I'll shut up now" his grin wide on his angelic face.

I go upstairs and lock my bedroom door behind me.

I throw my self on my bed feeling weirdly excited and nervous.

I hate this feeling, I hate how perfect it makes the world look, I hate how colourful it makes my life.