Chapter 30

You know how I told you that I was always the silent kid. It used to bug me alot in the past because it made me feel that I couldn't make friends because of it and that I felt like I was unlikeable. I thought that people just beared me and never really genuinely liked me. I was just a ghost that was rarely seen in any photographs and I definitely thought that people were annoyed by me. I was so scared that I won't find any friends and would be left all alone. Maybe that's why I started to act loud and fun even if it meant downing my social battery. I started being too available for anyone. Didn't matter what time or place or situation it was, if they wanted me then I would be there. I did so much for people who didn't even try to give me the bare minimum. Even after all that effort I still felt very lonely. I didn't know why and I kept sinking in the deep pit of self doubt.

But things really changed for me after that three months training. Things were tough but it made me realize stuff. I barely talked with anyone and even thought that I could stay all by myself. It became a habit and I stopped seeking validation of others. Even if I was the quietest girl in the dorm people still talked about me. But this time they were appreciating me for how independent I seemed. People were attracted to my nonchalant attitude and all of them would try to talk to me. They truly found me interesting and would talk to me about how cool I was. They were in awe of how both lazy and efficient I was. Yes they considered me lazy because whenever we got free time I would always be laying on my bed and hardly moved. But they were utterly surprised when I would get ready in the span of 3-4 minutes while they were still busy applying sunscreen or brushing their teeth. They appreciated me for my honesty. They loved how random I was.

They loved how I was able to fall asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow and slept undisturbed even if they were shouting or talking loudly. That clicked something in me. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I was not just so I could be liked by others. Staying true to myself was one of the major things I learned there. Even if I was totally boring people were still attracted to me. Which brings me to the conclusion that if they truly love you then they will accept you in any form and that you don't necessarily have to lose yourself in the process of finding someone to stay with you. I met this girl L at the training center. She and I always stayed together during that time and we were polar opposites of each other. She was chatty and lively while I was the silent one. She was the one who befriended me in the first place and when she first met me, she found me weirdly amusing. We were eating together with two other girls and when I was done with my food I just left without saying anything, no explanation or anything and since she came from a family oriented background it was not usual for someone to stand up and leave first when they were eating together. And when she saw me do that one of the girls (who knew me before her) told me that I was just that way and lived accordingly to my rules. She told them that I was independent and L was so impressed with me after that.

We became really close, almost like sisters if you ask me. We would insult each other and even playfully hit each other but none of us minded it. Sometimes the girls in our dorm would get shocked at how we were conversing with each other. I would call her baby elephant and I had become really tanned from the training so she would tease me back by saying that I should go and apply sunscreen instead of arguing with her.

Those were the good old days. I once remember her telling me that she sometimes wished to be like me and when I asked her why, she told me that she liked how carefree I was. How I never looked stressed or how I rarely cared about anything except for food (yes I became a devoted foodie after I reached there) and how I never really found the need to impress anyone. I was just existing and living in my own world peacefully. I wanted to say that she was wrong but I then thought about it and grasped that she wasn't wrong. I had stopped worrying about anything after reaching there. I didn't care about anyone and just focused on living my life to the fullest. The only thing I was worried about was when I would get to eat my food. I was becoming happier.

That's strange, because even if I had tried to find peace in the past I never found it once and kept having emotional roller coaster rides but when I stopped trying that's when I found it. I unintentionally turned into the person I always wanted to be. I had become someone that I could proudly show to my teen self. Now you might be thinking why I'm suddenly talking about this? Well I'm telling you this to take it as a sign to stop finding. It will be hard at first especially if you're like me, someone who craved for happiness for her whole life and tried fill that void by pretending and not setting proper boundaries and getting hurt time after time. You know what's the best solution for that? Run away from that place, leave them, be alone, be your truest and unapologetic self, be selfish and stop caring about what others might think. Let them, if they think that they have the right to judge you, don't burst their bubble but instead you continuously learn to chose yourself. If you lose friends in the process then they weren't even worthy of your time in the first place. What matters most is that you make yourself happy because, if it isn't you then who.