Chapter 29

Well now that I've finally learned to be in peace with my presence I didn't want anyone to ruin it. I ignored everyone and I'm not lying when I say that I literally deleted most of the people from my life. First, I started with my phone contacts. You might be thinking how it's related to my growth? Well let me clear up things, if I keep the numbers then whenever I feel lonely I will call them and try to hangout with them and I already know how it's going to end. Some won't pick up my calls, some will just not want to come and some I can't call them even if I want to, which leads to me sabotaging my happy and peaceful mind by convincing myself that I'm not worthy of their time and that I'm not enough. Eventually leading me back to square one.

So, to avoid that stuffs again I deleted all my contacts except my mom, dad, my elder sister, my friend D and someone very important that I just can't yet let go of. Well that makes only five people but I only talk with the first three. I can't and won't show my contacts to my sister because she's already worried about the fact that I always hangout by myself. She told me that it looks pitiful to which I just replied that if I can pay my own bills then I don't need to worry about who's accompanying me or not. That I liked my own companionship more than anyone else's. To which she said that she worries how I will survive in the future, I told her that the answer is simple. I will live in an apartment by myself, enjoying my own money and I'll have a cat with me. She said that I'm a loner which would've hurt me in the past but not this time because this time I chose this life for myself.

The second thing I did was to stop initiating conversations and I'm not joking when I say that the moment I stopped initiating things maximum of the people that I knew stopped talking with me all at once. W and I have stopped talking since my training days and I think it's an end to our chapter but you know what I find funny is that a relationship that didn't even have a proper begining could also end. He did text me once telling me that I was becoming distant and that he was going to Japan soon. He knew that I wasn't keen on long distance relationship so I just said goodbye and that was end of the conversation. The situationship didn't end officially but I know it's done because we don't talk anymore lol. And to be completely honest here, if I was really in love with him then him moving to Japan would've been really devastating for me but the news was just meh for me. At that moment I didn't care if he stayed or not. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice guy but he's not the one for me.

Now, I don't have any plans for both a situation ship or a serious one. And definitely no plans for new friendships because why even make one when people always disappoint you. I'm just planning to work on myself and maintain this same peace. I'm busy building a career that I will love doing. I think I will try for a librarian because I definitely feel at peace near books. Recently my sister got me a job at a three day trade show to sell books and I just loved it. The books felt so comforting that I clicked a photo of it and now it's officially my wallpaper.

Since I'm single again my sister's trying to set me up with one of her college mates who used to be my classmate in the past. She did try that even when I was with W. I refused because I don't think I want anyone till I feel that I'm ready for them. I want to be the best version of myself before meeting someone else in order to save them from my toxicness. I don't think I'll ever consider dating again. Sure it looks cute when couples are holding hands and being all lovey dovey but I don't imagine myself doing that again. I guess I still haven't properly moved on from my Shayla. I still remember him trying to make things right even when I told him that I loved someone else. Breaks my heart till this day but we can't cry over spilled milk now. Maybe it wasn't meant to be and even if it was, maybe the timing was just not right.

So here's an apology to my Shayla even if he won't be able to see it. Hi! How are you doing? Hope all good? I know it isn't all good and it breaks my heart to know that I am the major reason behind it. I'm sorry for throwing what we had just to find some attention in the wrong place. I didn't realize until now that how badly I messed it up by shattering our dreams of having kids and two pets. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to live up to my promises but just know that I meant every word about how special you are to me. Maybe this is the end for us but hey at least we were happy. Just know that I will forever be your biggest supporter even if I won't be able to stand next to you when that happens, I'll make sure to appluad the loudest even if it means doing it from the shadows. Someday if we meet again I hope you remember me as someone you loved and cared for even if I couldn't do the same. I hope you forgive me and even if you can't I totally understand it but just know that if you ever want to talk I'm all ears. If you want to cry, because I know that you're really good at keeping things to yourself just so you won't bother others with your worries, just know that I have strong shoulders to lend it to you. If not as a lover then as a friend. I'm sorry and I'm forever thankful to you for showing me how beautiful love can be.