Chapter 28

I started thinking too much and I went out to drink again. I first went to the place I use hangout with M and then I should've just headed to my work place but I just couldn't so I headed to M's bar. The place where we made so much memories. I guess I had too much because I blacked out and the next day I was at W's place. I had no idea what happened and thought I called him in a drunk state. But he explained to me that M's friend called T and informed her that I was totally wasted and asked her to pick me up. T told W about it and he found me in a very drunk state and that I even peed my pants. I still cringe thinking about that day. He told me that I even tried picking a fight with the bar's new owner. I wanted to die right then and there but I can't do that so I sulked deep in my embarrassment.

M texted me and asked me what happened and I told him everything about it. I had called him multiple times and even told him that I missed him. Guess I still wasn't over him and honestly, no one could get over that guy because he's such a sweetheart that it still breaks my heart for leaving him. I did feel that W wasn't meant for me but I tried ignoring it. I tried being happy with W but life was so much different with him. I did meet W's parents and they wanted me to introduce W to my family because if I did then there wouldn't be problems in the future. I was against it initially but I couldn't just act like that anymore. I had to reciprocate his feelings so I did introduce him to my dad at first and then my mom. My parents had nothing to say since they thought that I knew what was best for me, I didn't. This reminds me of the time when I came home a little bit tipsy and my dad asked me about M and if we had broken up, I just replied with a nonchalant yes but I know he heard the pain in my voice because he didn't question me any further and didn't bring up that topic again. W was never the problem actually it was the total opposite.

He was gentle and caring and I was a wreck who couldn't sort out her life. I tried my best not to think about M anymore but even the slightest thing reminded me of him. With M it was really easy to imagine my future. Two kids with our pets, just like how we had planned it but with W even the thought of marriage sounded scary. I was never able to think of him as someone important in my life in the future. I thought I would let go of M with time and tried my best to do that. After all I was the one who ditched M when he needed me the most. It felt like I was drowning little by little and I wasn't able to do anything about it but God didn't lose hope in me.

God showed me a very different path when I was in the verge of giving up. I had to leave for a mandatory three month basic military training.

W dropped me there and after saying farewell to him I started a new life. At first my new life felt impossible to adapt into. I cried for the first few weeks because I found it so hard. I didn't get to smoke nor drink, my only coping mechanism. W and I did talk but it didn't matter much. Honestly, I would re read my conversation with M and cry about it. After a while I finally adapted to that place and it was such an amazing experience. I met new people and most importantly, I found myself. I never knew I could live my life to fullest like that. I never knew I could be genuinely happy. I discovered my worth and how to prioritize myself. I learned to forgive everyone who wronged me and I learned to forgive myself. I stopped being so hard on myself and lived my life to the fullest without any toxicant. If you ever ask me about the happiest moment in my life then my reply would be this. The three months that I spent there were the most memorable and happiest days of my life. I never knew life could be so beautiful until then. God didn't really forget about me and he showed me a way out when I felt like I was walking in circles. I was able to find my spiritual self again.

But all good things come to an end and I kid you not when I say that I literally bawled my eyes out when it was time to leave. I didn't want to come back home and I desperately wanted to cling on to that memory but I couldn't do that either. I couldn't be too attached to something because if I did, then I would cling on to it and never be able to move on. I realized that there was a big difference between love and attachment. Love meant freedom wherelse attachment meant holding on to something and not letting it go. You could love something but you could also let it go if it doesn't serve you purpose anymore. You won't hate it or anything but just remember it as a pleasant memory that will forever live in your heart. You won't look back at it in disgust but you will remember it as something that you had to experience to be able to grow into the person you've become now. Attachment meant holding on to something so tightly that eventually it would start hurting you to the point that you won't remember anything about the moment except for the pain you've experienced. It could've been something totally different but you didn't choose to love instead you decided to attach yourself which made things just worse. I have never resonated with the quote ' if you really love them then let them go, if it's really meant for you then they will come back' until now. Guess I've really changed over these three months. I've become happier and content with whatever I have.