Chapter 39

Sometimes this thought rushes pass by my head, "What if he has moved on?" And I know he should and could have and I'm happy if he did. But if I'm being honest here then, I would say that I will be happy if he moved on but that smallest part in my heart would feel a little envious. I know I was the one who initiated the break up an dated someone else but still then, selfishly, I still want him back with me.

But that is a thought that seems impossible so I just sit here, staring into nothingness, trying to convince myself that I'm just saying this because I feel lonely and don't really want him. It works because, even if I was in his position I would give up for good. Have I told you about how I listen to sad songs but I don't imagine myself in it instead I listen to it from his point of view. I feel sad, angry and betrayed on his behalf. I need to stop doing that though.

I won't lie to myself anymore because acceptance is also a part of healing and me faking that I'm all fine without him would be betraying and gaslighting myself into thinking that I'm moving on from him when small strings in my heart tugs whenever I see our old photos or when he views my stories or when he send me snaps. I miss him, sometimes too much and no matter how much I deny it, I want him to be happy–with me again.

He was sweetest guy who knew almost everything about me. The things I love and hate, my preferences, my traumas and above all, he knew how to love me through all that phase. He didn't just tolerate me but he genuinely loved me so much to the point that he ended up getting hurt in the end. If I was given another chance, I wouldn't mess it up and be there for him all the time. But that isn't possible now because as I have mentioned it a million times, we should stop living in what ifs.

The only thing I can do now is pray that life is kind towards him and he becomes the best version of himself. While I, will work on myself and who knows, maybe we might be able to meet in the future and talk about it. Everything would be the same, the same energy and laughter but the difference would be that I would be a better person the next time we meet. Until then, I grow quietly, becoming someone worth meeting again.