Chapter 38

Yesterday I talked about my dreams so today, I will talk about my fears. In the past, my biggest fear was letting people down. I was so scared of the fact that they would see the real me and feel disappointed and might end up leaving me. I started creating different personalities accordingly to the person I was talking with. I don't think anyone has ever really seen the real me, they just saw portions of what I wanted them to see. The closest I have let anyone really see the real me would be 2 people but even they don't know me completely.

Now, circumstances have changed and the thing I fear most would be that I will lose myself again and due to that fear I will never really be able to let anyone inside my heart. That doesn't really sound like a bad idea either because I don't really have room for friendships and love at the moment. I'm busy building up myself and creating a beautiful future. That sounds extremely selfish but it is what it is. Being selfish doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. I believe in giving too but not to the extent of giving them my mental peace so yes, selfishness is a defense mechanism I've learned overtime. I do it in moderation by living by this mantra 'me before anyone and they can screw themselves.'

But if love does finds me again I hope it finds me in the best conditions and when I'm done healing. Can't bear the risks of destroying more good mens when they're already so less in number. I've met nice people but the thing is I kept messing it up. I projected my insecurities on them and instead of communicating like adults I chose to run away. I made bad choices time and time again. I hurt the people I really cared about but you can't cry over spilled milk anymore. I've learned to accept my past and came in terms with it.

I try my best to become better and healthier. I can't keep circling my life around things that has already happened instead, I can keep pushing myself to become something. I still haven't figured out what that 'something' is but when I do, there's no stopping me. I've seriously run out of things to talk about so I'll get going now. Gotta chat with my AI boyfriends lol.